Thank you for writing this article. We don't feel so alone now, though our story is sad as elder has paranoia and persecutory delusions. Carers do need to look after themselves too. Hugs to all fellow carers. L

My mother has developed aggression during her dementia and nurses allow the agitation to escalate to a certain level and then give her Seroquel to assist with her agitation. The family is thankful for this medication because it is very difficult to visit her. Some of us have just walked out of the room and the residence when mom would not settle.

Today my mother had a total meltdown. Both parents live at home with me handling much of their daily needs. They will be 100 in a couple of months and both have terminal cancers. My mom has some dementia as well and doesn't remember she has cancer. My dad has kidney cancer which metastasized to his lung. Because of my schedule over the next six months we met with my dad's doctor who agreed with my request for a referral to VNA. We met with a nurse two days ago. My dad is onboard with this course of action,not my mother. The nurse thinking ahead had their pharmacy send some meds she thought my dad would need soon. She asked me to be sure they are kept refrigerated. My mother had a total meltdown screaming she doesn't want the meds,nurses ,or anyone else in the house. She screamed we should put my father in a nursing home and this is her house not a hospital. My mother has always been difficult to deal with ,but today was over the top. She flipped out because my dad needs meds and will take them. She needs meds,but won't take them. When we signed her up for Hospice she chased everyone away. She is used to getting her way and knows acting out will get her what she wants. Today I had enough of her terrible behavior and asked would she prefer if I got her a room in a nursing home. You can't reason with her. She is totally irrational. My dad knows he doesn't have much time and would like to stay in his home,and with help from Hospice hopefully keep him comfortable as long as possible. I am at my wits end with my mothers behavior.

I have been caring for my father for 5 years now. He lives with me and my family and he is the sweetest man in public- but once the door's closed, he treats me like absolute dirt. He recently had a heart attack and survived; he now blames me for calling the ambulance an getting medical help. I can't take any more, but no one in the family is willing to help me at all, they all hate him. I am at the end of my tether- my life is seeping away. my husband is an amazing man who gives me all the care and support he can, but he has to work to support us. I don't know what to do or where to turn.

Sadly, difficult behaviors can make caring for an elderly loved one so challenging, especially when Alzheimer's and other forms of dementia come into play.

I have a mother whose placement is on a secure dementia wing of a seniors residence. She was wandering at her last senior home as an independent adult and really lost touch with the real world.

Her behaviour was also unpredictable and abusive and the doctors could not find the right medication to help her, friends and family. Her aggression grew and she physically assaulted a nurse. How do you deal with this aggression? As family members we "duck" and speakly calmly to her but we want to run away from her too. The grandchildren in particular do not understand this behaviour and do not want to spend much time visiting.

She has been lucky in finding doctors who do understand the disease but many types and dosages of medication have been offered and may last a few weeks to give her some peace of mind. However, we eventually get back our aggressive and abusive mother and start all over again.

More study on Alzheimer's would be nice for us to review and this is a very insightful website.

Carol

My father is 89 and has always been a spend thrift super saver, he is short tempered, anxious, judgmental, jerk who doesn't get alone with humans. Now... as his only child and caregiver he is all mine to carefore. Although it's my honor and duty to do so, I am facing challenging obstacles. He has dementia and is quickly sliding into the great abis of LaLa land. He cant follow a conversation or speak for himself, loss of words, thought patterns and frustration causes me to make his calls and relate in a common langue he can understand if only for a few minutes. Forgetting where he puts things is a increasing problem, Dad looses food in his freezer when it's in front of him. He seeing faces of people when his eyes are closed. His body is frail and legs have weakened and he falls from time to time, but doesn't tell me until a week later. He consumes huge amounts of sugar and has lost his appetite. His eyesight is so poor he uses binoculars to watch tv but won't pull the tv close enough to see it. His house is filthy but won't allow me to clean it. He sits alone in the dark mist of the time with just the radio on but when I visit he can not wait for me to leave. I have began shopping for him and with him but he stubbornly tries to keep control and rides along, back seat driving even though he can't see, looking down isles but can't see items. Pointing at food but can't read labels. He still insists in his way. I graciously point at each thing and let him grab it so he can feel some control. I pain stakeninly sit in doctors appointment with a closed mouth while he yells abrasiively at the dr. that kept him waiting for an hour. And watch dad walking out the door as the doctors telling me what he's going to do for him. I give my dad Freedom of choice in regards to what what he shares with his doctor because I know that he wants to stay in his home as long as he can and should the doctor realize his frailty he could not allow it. So each day is on its own merit I watch carefully I listen I ask questions about what he's feeling and thinking, I watch to see if his medications for empty or laying in a position where I know he has it taken them. It's day by day, frustrating, heartbreaking an long. I can't know exactly what being 89 is like but it sucks, it's lonely m, scared, frustrating, embarrassing,humiliating and demasculizing. I hurt he hurts. We both develop in our tolerance, our appreciation for each other for life. The only live connection I can share with him is through his cats. He pets them then I do, when I kiss them Its like I am kissing him. It's rough, it sucks and it's a long road. I ask why me then I say Why not me?

i try its never good enough

My mother is very spoiled always used to getting her way. Now at 93 and has been living with me for 7 years coming and go as she pleased is now suffering from dementia. Up until 2 months ago when she fell she did everything including driving. Now not permitted to drive and do want she wants she has become extremely hostile, verbally abusive, tantrums and throwing things. I hate coming home bc it's always an argument. She doesn't go to bed until 2:00am and that's her time to pick on me and becomes demanding. She threatens me on taking her meds and constantly says how happy I'll be if she died tomorrow. She basically hates everybody. She has full control of our living area. She's incontinent, I'm cleaned direarhia everyday sometimes 2-3 times a day. I love her but she is destroying my life!!!

Thanks for comforting articles. This journey is one of great sacrifice, love and dedication no matter the difficulties...

We are trying to clean out the upstairs so my sister and her husband can move in with our parents. Our Daddy thinks we are taking away all of their things, no matter what we do or tell him (or show him) he gets very frustrated with us. He starts telling to take everything he is going to die soon any way!!! He has Alzheimers.

My elderly mother has always been a stern and unforgiving person. Never one to apologize. Always dealt with any emotion with anger at the end. Happy - turns to anger, Sad - turns to anger, Disappointed - turns to anger. Then comes a hailstorm of verbally abusive epitaphs followed by sullen, guilt inducing, silence - that can go on for months. I had to move in with her because she requires some help, and I pay the going rate for rent (+ roommate). She is still sharp in mind, as it is her body that is breaking down (17 pins in her back). If I do not do something right away, you get the above. If I try to talk to her about 'time and place and letting me go to work on time' it is ignored. If I say no, at the time, she avoids telling me stuff and does the work herself then becomes almost immobile for days with unbelievable pain... so I am guilty again. I have 3 other siblings that live within 8 miles of her, but I was the one that had to move back to help on the acreage we grew up on. None of them stop by. I have seen 1 since Christmas. When I 'fume' and try to blow off steam they all say "You know how Mom is... you can't make her stop.." But they get a reprieve, leaving and... they never come around/back for months.

Now work is getting affected with being late - never anything more than 10 minutes but they are very strict here.

I feel like I am being wasted away to a shell of nothing. I do not matter. My world is constantly negative, consistently wrong, and never good enough.

And all I wanted to do was help, love and be there for her.

This was a great article was looking for some help for my husband in dealing with his father's inappropriate remarks to younger women

I just happened on this article as I was considering why my dad takes out his anger on me. My parents are in their late nineties. My mom was just diagnosed with terminal ovarian cancer. My dad has kidney cancer which to this point has not spread. He had the kidney embolized in January and his symptoms are under control. I am at their house everyday taking care of whatever needs doing. My sister who lives in the next town usually comes over once every other week. I get all the calls when they need something. My dad has always been impatient and feels the world revolves around what he wants. He thinks nothing of walking into his doctor's office without an appointment saying they will see me or of canceling an appointment last minute. He won't make the call,that is left to me. Yesterday my mom had an appointment with her doctor and decided two hours before the appointment she didn't want to go. I get a phone call from my dad telling me to cancel the appointment. When I asked why he exploded at me over the phone. I told him if he wanted to cancel he could call. He then said get an appointment in a couple of days to which I reminded him that the doctor was booked out five weeks. He says she will see us. They did finally go to the appointment. Later he calls and says to come over and fix his phone. I stop on my way home from work and found nothing wrong with the phone. My son happened to be there and he listened in and said it was fine too. Again my dad went ballistic on me. I am at my wits end today. I have decided not to go over there today. I have spoken with my dad about this behavior to no avail. I am open to suggestions. Thank you.

What kind of meds are being given these days..For sleep and mood control???

Most of these odd behaviors are perfectly normal for a *demented* person. Few people want to admit that their parent is demented, but most folks in their 80s have at least the beginnings of dementia.

Mother has been in a behavioral unit for the past 18 months. For the past six months she has outbursts of crying if she does not see a particular male Aide. She tells me she loves him and she loves him. We have explored reasons for this behavior without success. Any suggestions? Thank you.

Thank you for this article. Like Cecile2136, my dad is acting out sexually, kissing and pawing all over some of the women residents at the assisted living center where he now lives. All this started with him hugging and kissing women at church, at the store or when friends would come over to see my mom, his wife, while she was battling cancer prior to her death a few months ago. We realized that his inappropriate behaviors were worse just after a traumatic event, like when Mama was first diagnosed with cancer and after his last visit to see Mama a week before she died. He had in a rehabilitation center for about 5 weeks after a fall and hospital stay. The next day he mistook one of his granddaughters her older sister. A couple days later, one of the CNAs there told me of his horrible misbehavior and lewd comments earlier in the day. When I talked to him about it, he was appalled and didn't recall having said and done those things. Medications are being tried out to see if the will help curb this behavior.

I'm careing for my 85yr old mom who blames me for everything, loss of33 yr home,all contents, world famine(kidding)
She has for about one year mistaken me for my father who's past in1986,
"You're out screwing other woman,you've four kids to take care of,you think you're so smart?all those years in med school,your nothing but a +(censors ext.....) I do have 3siblings who won't help an ounce,I'm alone with this insideous disease in a studio hotel room after winter in the car.at least we had and and still have Two Great Danes to keep us warm and definantly protect ed.
Mom is mean viscious and I overlook it when she's sworn she could kill me and nobody would care or notice. I have hidden the knives haha.
Thank you for this sight. I need it bad.at 53 and disabled I fear my own hart attack.believe me her anger gets so bad I've welcomed it for a moment until I remember to distract her or walk out.if I walk I'm just with every woman again and return to find my things in the trash.last week she disposed of quite successfully my c ustom brace I need to walk.$2800.bucks.its time to find help someplace but they keep denying her medical .85no medical.she thinks it's degrading cuz my dad had countless patients on medical.I guess it doesn't pay fair to Dr s.
Not to say dad didn't leave the whole family set but greed and moms close gambling came to view too late.
Entire life's belongings reduced to a few clothes, that's wells Fargo's fault.I digress.
I'll continue to read try to learn and pray.this note would go on but moms again feeding the dogs our food.anytime I leave our food gets low while the dogs get fat I loose weight.
The troubles endless let alone the homelessness .we don't even haveba car.is there any way to finance a car on ssi?

I am a caregiver, when I leave there home for 2 or 3 days my Mom always ends up in the ER then addmitted . Most family believe's her husband is doing something when no one is around.

Good advice. An angry parent is no laughing matter. It is hard to not take the behaviour personally. I'm not one for speaking up but when it happens (yelling) I make sure they know I'm not pleased. Living in a negative household, it is a struggle to maintain a positive outlook.

my 92 year old father is acting out sexual by putting his hand down his pants and playing with himself alot. How do I stop the behavior. When I ask him to take his hand out he gets very angry with me.

My mother will soon be 87 and it has been very difficult.
For many years i visit every Sunday with whatever requests she has (personal items) and with groceries as she has difficulty walking. This has put a great deal of stress on my own financial position.
Her cruel words toward me are ever increasing difficult!
I am one of seven children - so weak - emotionally beaten - don't think i can handle this anymore.

This article helps me understand my mother situation.. She is turning 85 this coming Aug. and she got all the sign of dementia. It started last year after she had stroke and went to coma for 24 hours. Since thin she became a deferent person. She started saying hurtful words, accusing of someone is having an affair and family member is poisoning her. Lately, every one is getting frustrated, because where I came from, they don't understand this kind of behavior in an aging parents. In some part where people are educate probably have a better understanding in aging parents, but the place where I came it's a remote place and away from civilization. I'm glad I found this page. I will pass this on and hope this will gave them a better understanding on what's going on Mom's mind. Thank You

Ok but what happens when they get violent or call the police saying that you or someone else is stealing from them. You are not in the position of blowing it off at that point.

I have been searching for help on my ageing parent. For the last 15-20 years I have been the one sibling that every day there is interaction and demands . Another Sibling lives with my mom and I but avoids my mom and mentaly / emotionaly takes advantage of the two of us, along with my moms inability to handle his behavior when he is stealing from me the sister , the caregver. This article has been the most help for me as I intentivly look for solutions and advice. As the years continued to go by, the problems get worse and Im at caregiver burnout . I have a disability that isnt addressed and this article also helped me as if I was speaking to a professional in my certain challenges . Very informative and hopeful. Thank you .

I pray I do not behave in this manner for my children. Please Dear Lord... I don't swear now, so I cannot imagine remembering how to swear when I am old.

Its really tests your faith when u are surrounded by these types and little support....demanding elderly parents, personality changes, hallucinations, temper tantrums - intresting to know that this happens with age....and what to look out for....sometimes alot of these not aware of the hurt they cause...

All of this behavior some of the caregivers have to put up with is horrible. I would say to the most of these, just leave and get on with your life. YOU CANNOT get this time back. It is your life. Sickenson, I cannot imagine living like this. Can you possibly get another family member to do the caregiving? Putting up with this and probably you are not getting paid, why do it? I feel so sorry for you. I am saying my prayers for each of you today...God must intervene on some of these cases. Maria Lake, I could not live in a home where there is swearing day in and day out. I think about two days of that, and I would be packing. I truly truly feel so bad for you.

This article is helpful to me. I'm experiencing swearing, not bathing, aggressiveness, and not wanting to change clothes. It is hurtful and it makes me depressed.