When my mom got Alzheimer's, she became a new woman, and not in the good sense. She had no good sense. She became paranoid, delusional, irritable, you name it, she had those behaviors. I had to curse the disease and not her, and remind myself that as much as I didn't expect to have a mom with Alzheimer's, neither did she. I even wrote a book about our experiences called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I thought of the title when I was driving home from work one day, and I realized that my once broad life was redued to the pressing health concerns of my mom and dog. It's a scary situation for all concerned. Especially these days, I'd check rehab faciltiies if a parent needs that, due to physical limitations, for example, to see what their Covid policies are in terms of visiting, allowing visitors in as well as releasing patients when they're better. During the height of Covid, often, people weren't allowed in or out. Best of luck to everyone.
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I'm at my wits end with my 92 year old mother-in-law, who refuses to plan for any form of assisted living, etc. Reading the nightmares some of you have gone through makes my troubles seem minimal by comparison. She's capricious and self-centered but at least she's still relatively sane. I will now count my blessings.
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My mother is 104 and to say she can be controlling is an understatement. She is used to getting her way. She recently took a fall because she wasn’t using her walker. Consequently she was unable to walk so to the hospital we went. After a round of tests it was found that her red blood counts were very low. They have determined a cause and we have a plan in place. She needs to do a two week rehab. Yesterday I was berated for four hours. She doesn’t want to do a rehab. I patiently explain to her that until she is able to walk with her walker she can’t return home. She says you are putting me in rehab to die. She is agitated beyond belief. It’s a rinse repeat cycle. Fix my sleeve, pull down the blanket, pull me up in the bed, I want to sit on the edge of the bed. As soon as we get to the last response she immediately starts it all over. She saves this behavior for me. One of our caregivers visited yesterday and my mom was fine with her. Maybe I need to separate myself . My sister has done just that. She won’t take my mom’s abuse and just walks out. I haven’t done that as someone needs to be there. The stress of dealing with my mother is getting to me. It’s affecting my health.
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Boundaries are very important. AND being compensated for the work you do if you have little support from siblings. Both my parents are pushing 90 and live in a seniors apartment with no help. I cook, clean, look after meds etc. I have numerous siblings busy with their own lives.
I am gifted money each month by my parents, one who is sharper than a tack and another with mild cognitive decline. One parent recently chose to yell at me. I promptly responded that this was unacceptable and walked out. Things went much better after that. Set boundaries fellow caregivers!! I will never move my parents into my home. Another boundary.
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I don't know when I even started to assist my parents more and more, but we all live under the same roof with one sibling out of state, too far to be of any practical help. There is no apparent appreciation of that, and no way for her to contribute even financially. I was the "it" girl doing it all, with no appreciation from my father of cleaning up the mess he and my mother (with dementia) regularly made, although he does contribute in his own way as he cleans the room they most often occupy and tends (very happily) to the yard etc. I felt increasingly stressed and knew I had to take care of me and was aiming toward that goal. Then suddenly, the end of the September I did not feel well one morning. I also felt like I had lost some strength. In the end a friend came over to help with my pup, and we called 911. I was taken to the hospital, and then by helicopter to the main hospital where I was diagnosed with dissected aorta, which is often fatal. I ultimately was BLAMED by my sister for this, for not seeing an MD, for not knowing I had high blood pressure (which may be a contributing factor). My point is we may be doing damage to ourselves, life-threatening damage by trying to do all we can. I truly thought I could handle it. Now I am sitting here with a $47K bill from the air transport company with no idea of how it will be paid (aside from a suggestion to apply possibly for MEdicaid). Think of how much assistance that 47K would have bought us, while protecting my well-being. Of course now recovering, and even prior, I still feel I'd rather have dust than an outsider aide or agency employee bringing in the risk of COVID--to any of us, since we are all Seniors. ....
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This subject is obviously of great importance and relevance, considering that the other three subject presented today each only had less than a dozen comments while this one has 150 as I type this!

Thanks for listing the various issues and providing practical suggestions for dealing with each type!
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toddrachel
You say you find this title a joke. Well reading your answer its very obvious that you view any kind of 'Elderly Bad Behaviour' in exactly the same light i.e. behaviour resulting from a deterioration in mental state. Consequently, you place all elderly people under this umbrella which is maybe a somewhat naïve view point.
I've worked with people who suffer from Dementia/Alzheimer's so I do know a bit about that subject.
What you fail to see are the elderly who are of very sound mind. Who have displayed very controlling behaviour throughout their lives and who become even more controlling as they age.
This describes my own Mother and many others. She is very aware of everything and very intelligent. However, she has always been a very domineering and controlling individual who has just got worse with age, especially towards those who try to help her the most.
So maybe if you look outside your own box on this one you will understand that many of us really do not consider the title a joke whatsoever!
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Hey all. Hope everyone is doing well during this difficult time. I just want to say, as a professional memory care caregiver and medication technician of over six years, this article is really disheartening. I actually thought it was a joke when I saw the title. Yes, these behaviors occur. They usually have a lot to do with loss of independence and dignity in a highly individualistic society where aging is considered a failure. Our elders are losing their sense of self and self-worth. These are not behaviors that need to be “fixed,” they are behaviors that need to be explored and understood. If we do not respond to a behavior out of a place of understanding and empathy, we are not going to get very far in terms of cooperation or the maintenance of a healthy relationship. We all live in the same society, and depending on our own bodies and demeanors, it is quite likely that someday we will all find ourselves behaving the same way.

For those who are trying to maneuver behaviors with parents with Alzheimer’s/dementia I would highly recommend Teepa Snow’s Positive Approach to Care https://www.youtube.com/user/teepasnow . Her teaching is also very good for those without dementia because she teaches with so much empathy. This is what some memory care communities use to train their employees. She teaches based off of life experience with a loved one living with dementia. She would never refer to an individual‘s behavior as “bad.” They are acting the way they are for a reason, and invalidating that further contributes to their misery. This is coming from a person who has been hit, kicked, punched, spit on, bitten, thrown, felt up, dragged by the hair, and nearly stabbed as an employee in an assisted living setting (working with those with and without dementia). This is not to say that those behaviors are acceptable or ok - it is to say that everyone deserves to live with dignity and respect. We all have the right to be seen and known. I implore you to check out Teepa Snow - She has a YouTube channel and an online, free dementia journal that talks about dementia and the way it impacts the brain in more detail. I would also recommend checking out free classes offered by the Alzheimer’s Association. These sources provide a much more empathetic framework for situations involving challenging behaviors.
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Hi, I read through many comments. It is bittersweet to see many others are facing similar difficulties with their loved ones. My mother has always had a strong character, a bit too strong. Over the last 10 years or so, she has gradually lost the filter we usually have which tells us what's okay to say to others and what is hurtful. She's not terribly hurtful, but definitely she makes comments that one would not normally make to others. She has also always been very sensitive. She's becoming much more sensitive and defensive to the point that it complicates even very simple and innocuous situations regularly. My question is this: Do you think it's a good idea to mention these things to an elderly person so that they can check themselves on it? I think she is unaware of them, especially as she has lived alone for something like 30 years now, so she has no one who can serve as a mirror in which she can see her own behaviour. If it were me, I would want to know - but of course, that's me, in my 50s, when I can still think quite clearly about all this. I don't think she is able to think fully clearly about some things any more. She will hopefully come live with me or my sister soon, so I'm wondering even more than I was before whether it would be helpful or not to point out these things to her. Thanks very much in advance.
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im going thru this with my grandmother and most of the stuff I read above is true except for 2. she is currently in the hospital she was always talking about a plane which was very strange. she thought I flew in on a plane to visit her. also she put up a fight with the physical therapist on my visit Monday she was yelling at her she refused to put on the socks with traction so I had her pair of her light weight shoes and pretty much the same and almost ripped off her heart monitor. she fears her house may be taken away from lawyers who are acquiring her house since its across from the county courthouse easy way to run their law businesses I guess. shes been talking about her diabetic doctor so much. but at her house she loves buying stuff at QVC as much as I clean more stuff gets bought so tomorrow at some point Im gonna have to clean her house and try to get a POA try to balance this and work is tough. but I must hang in there for now.
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My mom died in 2011 and Ive been the only one taking care of my 88 year old dad since then.. he did not speak a civil word to me for a number of years prior to my moms passing until the day she died.. at first tjings went mostly well, but he has become increasingly verbally abusive at different times and constantly tells me I do nothing for him.. Its been years since Ive had a life of my own.. I went to a friends wedding for about 6 hrs 3 days ago and he keeps digging me about having gone.. a tv stand needs to be put together and I need help.. I finally said I was going to try to hire someone to put it together and pay for it out of my own pocket because it looks so complicated and has 60+ different screws bolts and pcs.. so he says " well these people sure have time to ask ya to their damn wedding".. id had enuff.. said "I gotta go dad.. we'll talk about tjis later" and got the hell out cause Im about to go nuts.. I just don't know what to do.. he called me right away and I told him I was upset and just couldnt talk til later.. this angered him and he started yelling.. I tried to get a word in but could not so hung up again.. he called again.. ended same.. I don't think I can take it anymore.. I am patient most of the time but I need a vacation but noone to help
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I care for an elderly man in exchange for room and board. I cook breakfast and dinner and make sure his bills are paid as well as do some light housekeeping. I also pay some rent to help with the utilities.

He is exhibiting the beginning stages of all the behaviors listed in the article; eg. everyone is against him, throwing food on the counter demanding I cook dinner, spending without regard to his finances or budget. After reading this I don't feel so alone!

He also recently displayed a new behavior of which don't know whether to laugh or cry.

He still drives him self around and recently took a weekend trip down south with an on-again off-again girlfriend. He is 82 and she is 84. On one of the days he disappeared (with her car no less!) for half of the day, leaving her all alone in the hotel room, refusing to answer her phone calls (she had friends just about ready to drive up and rescue her) and upon returning he refused to acknowledge that he even disappeared much less offering any kind of explanation. Wow.
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How do I opt out of dealing with them. I want to sever ties with my parents
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Wow, did somebody write this about my dad?
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Help me deal with my awful, willful, mean mother of the last 3 months. My sister has not offered any assistance.
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There are some good points to this article; however, it sounds more frustrated and lacks some empathy. They aren't being stubborn by not taking care of their hygene. It isn't because they can't smell themselves. Acting as if they are just being defiant shows a lack of an ability to see through another's eyes. If they are losing track of time like that, they are being left alone for too long. They can't physically move like a young person. They feel sick, often from too many meds. Sending them in for more meds may be the worst thing. The bath can be scary, slippery, cold. When someone is that sick, modesty goes to the way side. When people age, their skin is thinner, more fragile and sensitive. The cold hurts. Falling is terrifying. Nagging them creates anxiety. They put it off until they absolutely have to do it.
It's too bad our society treats out elderly with this little respect. It's no wonder they panic and act out. If we treated them with the respect of other nations like Japan, we would have happier and kinder old people.
Like I said, many good points to this article, but it's missing the other side. It would be cool to interview the elder and present their side, too.
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#1 - my mom was in convalescent care for two months after a fall. She was a great patient, nurses like her, motivated with her physiotherapy. We just brought her home for the holidays and she's snarky with my father, had a couple of tantrums and spent most of her time zoned out in front of the TV. I can tell my father doesn't want to deal with it. (He just had a two-month break!). She's supposed to be discharged on the 30th. My dad talked her into going back a day early.

So, it's best behaviour with strangers and not so nice with my dad. Sigh. They're both still in charge of decisions regarding their own health. Wondering what's the best thing to do.
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I put up with all of the above, and office politics too, in a managerial position job that I accepted the offer on, and ultimately quit, to start my own business and eventually retire. Now I am in this situation again, due to family. No one works for free, no one deserves any or all of the above from either family or co workers. It's very hard not to take personally some of the comments made. My siblings would dump my father in a elder care facility and let him rot there until his dying day, they couldn't be bothered to visit, or relieve me of any duties, so that I can have a life of my own again. It's thankless, being on call 24/7. Don't let anyone tell you it isn't a job and that you should work for free, that's nonsense.
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My partners mother is 84 she has always been a control freak with a negative attitude but the older she gets the worse she gets she has ruined my life
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They have invented chill out plug ins for cats and dogs please someone invent one for old people
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I am reading all these stories on here and am completely horrified. Why would you allow another person to destroy your marriage, or your own life? I work in healthcare and we nurses cannot believe what some families will do to keep their mother or father at home, even at the expense of their OWN families! Most of the time these elderly nightmares do not even know where they are, let alone know they are in a nursing facility! The Bible says HONOR your mother and father, not give up your own life because of them.
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My 79 year old mother has always been angry and cantankerous. I recently visited her and my dad at their home in Spain which resulted in the most shocking night in our relationship. She has always been critical of me and disparaging as well as of my dad but not my brother. After a few days with her I was exasperated by her childish, aggressive and nasty behaviour to and about the whole world. It brought back a lifetime of her undermining barbed attacks on me and I snapped and challenged her on her appalling treatment of all and sundry. The first thing she always does is lash out to deflect attention from having to admit any wrong doing. This time was the worst ever abuse I have got from her. She said she wished she had smothered me at birth , my brother is a wonderful person and I am useless, my partner is a nobody, I am a lazy greedy person and she then made innapropriate remarks about sex in reference to myself and how unattractive I am. I was stunned to say the least. I fought back and was told to get out of her house. She got my suitcase and threw me out in the street in a small town in a foreign country and I ended up staying in a hotel before flying home the next day.
It's been the worst event in our family history and I doubt if I will ever see them again. I had no support from my father who chooses to remain browbeaten and stay with her. It has occurred to me that she may be in the early stages of dementia but it's hard to tell since this is her normal self only worse than ever. Has anyone else had experience of this ?
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Does a child act rude an say bad things to a relative cause he hears his parents talk bad about that person.
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I'M the problem you are all talking about!!!!! I KNOW I must be a real pain to be around!!! every time I melt down - often . I just withdraw from everybody and thing!! I just don't have a solution. living beyond my time sure isn't good for anybody. but I can put on the mr wonderful act at anytime. so I don't know how to deal with me either. but thanks for trying. it wont last forever.
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Thank you for this wonderful article. I am caring for my 86 year old father who has started taking out his frustrations on me in the form of verbal abuse. I suspect that I needed to set some boundaries as to what behavior is acceptable and was glad to read I am not alone in this experience.
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This advice is for the people who have had a parent who was abusive to them their entire lives… Do NOT… I repeat… Do NOT become their primary caregiver… whether it is in their own home or, God forbid, in your home!

Parents who would abuse (physically, verbally and/or emotionally – like my mother) their defenseless children are NOT going to mellow-out with age. They only get WORSE!

I tried to care for my life-long abusive mother in her home and she would try to hit me with her cane, yell and scream at me for no reason, call my house 10+ times to day insisting that I (or my husband) drop everything and go over to her house to help her with something or other. The last straw came when (after only a few weeks), she threatened to call Elder Services and accuse me of verbally abusing her. Fortunately, I had been secretly recording all of our conversations and her voicemail messages and whenever I was at her house, I made certain that my husband was present as a witness. But, her threat had me seek out the advice of an Elder Law attorney, who advised me to cut all contact with her immediately and allow Elder Services to become her primary caregivers.

If your abusive elderly parent threatens to report you to Elder Services for any type of abuse, you must take it very seriously. It is very sad that your abusive parent was “allowed” to abuse you as a child (behind closed doors) and no one protected / rescued you from that horrible situation. And now these same life-long abusive parents can try to use the Elder Laws in place to control and abuse you, once again! According to the Elder Law attorney (who listened to the recorded conversations that I made and knew that I was not being abusive and that my mother was the abuser), the enforcement of the Elder Laws are such, that if you are accused, you are assumed to be guilty, until proven innocent, which is why give my mother’s threat, she advised that I immediately cut all contact.

All the advice given in the article will NOT work with life-long abusive parents! They CANNOT be reasoned with. Trying to explain to them that their behavior is hurtful to you will gain you nothing. Come on, someone who would abuse their defenseless child is NOT going to care, at all, if they are hurting their adult child with their abusive behavior!
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@toomuch4me I feel your pain. My father was a dirt bag my whole life. He made my mother's life a living h*ll before she passed from cancer. I am only taking care of this creep so he doesn't sell my inheritance, which is also from my mother, out from under me. He is an ungrateful, angry old man. He treats me like a slave, while calling me every name in the book and taking out . When I don't bend to his ridiculous demands , he resorts to petty revenge tactics like making a mess, throwing away my belongings, and abusing my dog. The world would be a better place if he died. He refuses to go to a home. Like an idiot, I have kept him alive way past his expectancy. No good deed goes unpunished.
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I havent been on this site in a while and I wish I had a positive update. Ive returned because the emotional abuse has gotten worse. No matter how often my father is spoken to he treats me like an employee. Constantly calling me upstairs to cook something for him. He has no regards for the fact that I have 3 teenage daughters one that is getting ready to move to college next month.My siblings keep telling me to ignore him. But I cant. He is very rude to my children whether he is staring at them or saying that they are not part of the family. Im serious about moving out but there is no assistance unless you are being physically assaulted, and I want to leave because I fear it will come to that. I despise my father at this point.
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I have an 85 year old Mother who is now returning items she has had for years-she returned a orchid she got years ago that died and the store told her she had already returned it once already for a replacement but they gave her another and today she was proud that she had returned to Publix an easy off oven cleaner that she purchased years ago as the head was not working now since she heard from a relative that Publix will not question any return. She has also said she is going to claim she was shorted by $5 on her money returned as she will get them to pay her no questions asked. She seems quite proud of this deceit, lying and theft. I am frustrated and I let her know I was disappointed in her inappropriate behavior. Any ideas?
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My mother has been a negative, verbally abusive, cold person my entire life. She's 83 now and broke her arm two months ago, after falling while trying to get out of bed. She also has much trouble walking. She & my father, who has dementia, live alone in their home. Just this week she screamed & cursed at the director of the home health agency that was providing 24/7 aides, who were adamantly recommended by the hospital, the rehab facility she went to briefly, and the attending VNA professionals--my mother kicked them all out after about a month and a half. She has always treated my sister and me with less than respect--we've never been good enough, we didn't marry good enough men, we don't know how to do anything, on & on. To my face she said she has "two worthless daughters, one worse than the other". She bad-mouths me to my husband, and my sister to her two daughters behind our backs. She is impossible, unreasonable, mean, argumentative, and manipulative. She is angry because we have made it clear that we are neither willing nor able to give up our lives to take care of them. After being informed of her inexcusable behavior towards the agency's director--not to mention her abhorrent treatment of two aides who were there to help them, which we witnessed first-hand--we don't want to have anything to do with her. We would like to have our father removed from such a toxic environment. We have talked to every professional we can think of & are meeting with an attorney next week, but we aren't holding out much hope that he'll be of any help, either. It's extremely frustrating to realize there is no help for people in our situation, and we don't know what we're going to do. This website has been a sanity-saver since we came across it about a week ago, and I want to thank everybody involved, just for being there. Good luck to all of us.
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