We've been trying to "have the talk" with my husband's mother for 2 years. Lately she refused to even discuss where her living trust is on file, or if he as backup executor should have the attorney's phone number in case his older brother were to die suddenly. Her memory is going, she becomes disagreeable if we try to talk about plans such as assisted living (she's 95). I have treated her like she was my own mother for the past 20 years since her husband died. Another rude episode today prompted us to decide we will leave her future care, trust plans, legal issues and medical treatment up to the other siblings. We will still take her at holidays since the other ones won't but if she needs anything else, forget it.
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just quickly, as I am dealing with this exact issue as a caregiver.
retired RN
It would be helpful to address the issuing of timing for conversation & cognitive health issues of parents. I think that is why this first comment is so truthful (for her) but negative. Pretty tough to have this conversation at any age...avoided in our society - next to impossible to have a good outcome when parent's are declining.
Once there is some dementia/alz - often comes suspicious/paranoid thinking & changes can be perceived as a threat. With no wonder, those parents living thru the depression seem even more protective. all about surviving & thriving not dying & the future was the next day or week...
Maybe our younger generations will be more receptive even tho there is much societal pressure to "stay young". Sadly they may be more in-tune with death with the increase in violent senseless crime & the reality of rogue viruses...
Someone said - "timing is everything" at least a start at a more optimal time in someone's life plan.
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Ah, if we were all like the Waltons or the Brady Brunch or the gang from Modern Family or black-ish. Alas, real life rarely resembles the fantasy of tv life and the tv families who hug all the time, have constant heartfelt discussions, bare their souls, and all get along. Utter BULLSH*T!!!!

I have been experiencing the torture of dealing with elderly parents for years now and it's more like a horror movie.

On the positive sides, my parents (81 & 86) do have a will, living will and an up to date POA (the POA is due to my relentless efforts and refusal to back down). But everything else is a battle. Endless complaining, disagreeableness, etc. etc.

They have been secretive, difficult, impossible, aggravating. My father refused to stop driving when at 85 his vision was quite bad. I do blame the medical profession and legislators for this awful state of affairs where the elderly can stay on the road forever. My mother had innumerable falls, they fired the home health aide before she started, it is miserable. And I could go on for hours.

Expecting adult children to initiate these conversations is bad advice because I expect that in about 99% of the cases it does not work. Unless John Boy is in charge.

Around 2005, I bought my mother an organizer called Information My Family Needs to Know. This Simple 1-2-3 kit includes sheets to complete of asset and property list; Investment accounts; Insurance policies; Memorial instructions, and more. She never filled it out and never mentioned it again. Another time, I sat with her with a list of items to address and nothing got done.

It is truly exhausting trying to run my life with my family as well as my the life of my parents.

I sincerely hope this generation of adults in their 50s and 60s will do a better job of preparing for the future. Perhaps the US Dept. of Health & Human Services can do an ad campaign encouraging people to get their affairs in order. That would actually be a useful tactic.

It's a losing proposition to follow the advice of this article ... pie in the sky.
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ugh
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91 year olds should not be driving anywhere. There is no way they are competent to do so. Dangerous.
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I think all of this advice is helpful with some elderly but certainly not my parents. They have always made poor financial decisions and refused to take advantage of a financial advisor. They by their own admission made absolutely no retirement plans. Now dad passed and mom is left with minimal funds. She refuses to discuss moving to AL at all and gets angry when sister and I broach the subject. We remind her what her self care (declining) has to be if she is to stay in her independent living apartment on a senior campus with her part time aide. Like trying to make plans with a small child. Decisions will be made for her and not with her when the time comes.
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There is an old saying, you can lead a horse to water, but can't make it drink. My father is stepmother will die of thirst. Neither one has taken any steps to get their affairs on order, to include wills. I am done trying to talk to them. Why should I waste my time if they will not bother listening or doing something to insure their wishes. My sisters or stepbrothers cab deal with it when the crisis hits the fan.
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This approach might work for normal people but not for dysfunctional families. My parents always were, are now, and always will be, not able to discuss anything with an honest, two-way conversation on ANY level. I have resigned myself to expect nothing and let the chips fall where they fall when it's time. They have their wills in place. At least they did that much.
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I found that sharing what I was doing and how I was planning and asking for advice has been the best way to engage a loved one about a topic they may be uncomfortable with. I shared my estate plans and where they could find a copy of my records should they need to step in and help.
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Stephanie, when in doubt utilize a professional. Many wealth managers are trained to act as a sounding board in regards to such sensitive issues. Aj
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How to talk about the future with an aging family member? I know for myself, I guess I never thought of my parents becoming elderly. My parents were still walking two miles a day come rain or shine when they were 87 and 91.... Dad was still driving without any problems, they were taking the subway into Washington D.C. on a regular basis visiting everything D.C. had to offer... and my parents were doing volunteer work twice a week at the local regional hospital. And I was busy with my career, being an independent woman, life was good.

Because of the above, it never dawned on me to have the talk about the future. I never thought if their Wills were updated, in fact at the time I never heard about Elder Law, Trust, and Power of Attorneys. I had nothing to relate to because my parents never needed to care for their own parents. And no one in my peer group was doing caregiving. If there was something on TV about elder care, I never paid attention, it didn't relate to me.

If only I could have seen into the future, then and only then maybe I would have had that talk about the *what ifs*, if I knew what the *what ifs* even were.... like what would my parents do if Dad stopped driving?... like what would my parents do if they needed hands on care?

It wasn't until my Dad had a heart attack that my parents independence took a totally different course. All of the sudden I was needed to be my parents *wheels* and here I was at the age where I didn't like driving that much. I thought this was temporary and Dad would be once again back on the road. Oops, thought wrong, this is now permanent.... as were other things that were happening as my parents started to age. I still didn't have the talk. I didn't even know what to ask.
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