I find that my arrangement is ideal with partitioning the left side of my downstairs living space divided with adjustable room dividers. Both parents have seperate beds on opposite sides and they can see the living room smart Tv watching I love Lucy episodes . My mom died at home with full view of the activities of the multi generational members while having privacy simultaneously when needed. I had shower extensions and figured out how to not require so many diapers yet never have rashes etc. It’s all possible without anyone sacrificing their lives. The key is to prevent or reverse any current illnesses using a functional medicine coach and doctors . My dad is off all 8 medications and down to topical cream of 500mg on his ankles daily at 96. It’s possible .

I had my grandparents move it when they were 100 for their final years. I had already been trekking to their house once a month to do the big shopping and books. My Princess mother was no where around. Grandpa was grateful, Grandma not so much. She did settle in. Fast forward 15 years and my mom needs some help. We co-existed for 45 years post my moving out with my dad as a buffer, he is gone and she is a hissing spitting mess to try to get her own way.... My sibs ran decades ago.... I have food delivered, I take friends when I make short over night visits. She want to stay in her house thank goodness.....Organizing help has been a nightmare... Fortunately I own a cottage I rent out next door to my house. Mom will live there when needed. It will be easier to organize care with her close. You know in your gut if you can live with your elders.

What an excellent article. The first consideration you give is so crucial. If only I'd read it or had the ability to realize that a few years ago.... Two torturous years of being beaten down until I had to leave. The damage is still there though.

My parents and my family split the cost of purchasing and remodeling a 4200 sq ft home on 2000. A big enough house...most days! I homeschooled our son, age 10 when we moved together, and worked as a nurse every weekend. My dad was always the caretaker for my invalid mother. He needed more help with meals. And, the 2am phone calls to lift my mom up from the floor though we lived 10 min away were awful. Plus, living with us, we created a suite of 2 large bedrooms, handicap bathroom (shower we could drive my mother’s wheelchair into), and all 3ft doors to accommodate the wheelchair...all with a door on it. While living with us, we put a nursery monitor in our 2 bedrooms for the middle of the night “Mom’s in the floor” notification to pick her up. So much easier!

We split bills 3/5 us and 2/5 them until the electricity bill became an issue. Before moving together, he was very proud of having the lowest electricity bill in the neighborhood...because he didn’t use ANY! On a certain visit, I noticed my mom all red-faced and hot. Of course, I adjusted the thermostat! We have 3 zones in this house with 2 water heaters - he put water heater timers on so they would turn off. Ok on his water heater because their life was very much the same every day but my laundry day was the same as Mom’s shower day. I forgot to turn on the water heater more than once which caused a cold shower for Mom. I heated water for her on the stove. He had a thermostat zone all to himself but we regularly fought over the one for the main living area. Once while preparing dinner, we had a thermostat war. I realized I was hot. Checked the thermostat... he had adjusted it up. And again, was hot, rechecked the thermostat and Dad had turned it up again! His thin body was cold but my menopausal hot flashes were kicking. Told him to go sit on his side of the house! We eventually paid 3/4 of the electric bill.

The relationship with my mother was always tense but with her limited mobility and generally bedridden , it was easy to control. She developed Alzheimer’s and became sweet which was delightful. She was moved to a nursing home when she became unable to sit at her bedside or on her bedside potty as she had done for decades. I herniated a disc in my neck trying to handle her. In retrospect, wish I had diapered her and kept her at home. Mom had a home care aid who showered her 3X/week. I always rolled/dried her wet hair after washing.

My dad became the contentious one to our surprise. He became involved in a foreign lottery, get rich quick scheme, sent them $ by Western Union, acted like a teen - “get out of my life”, talked on the phone while walking in the yard, etc. I had to take away him car keys because he weaved all over a main road near our house as I followed him home from the nursing home once. Unless we had lived together, I would have never know of the foreign lottery or his bed driving. Many times we had late night guests. He commonly came around the corner in his pjs to see who was here. Embarrassing!

The good part of having them in our home was hearing some stories for the first time ever. WW2 stories from my dad. I was able to facilitate conversation with my mother who had a grudge against her sister. They hadn’t talked for decades. That was sweet! My son’s job was getting his grandma to the dinner table...putting on her shoes, getting her robe on her, helping her into the wheelchair. It was good for him and she loved it. Glad we did it though very hard! They moved in 1/2001. Mom went to the nursing home 10/2003. Died 10/2006. Dad spent the last year of his life between the nursing home and hospital. Our home was half way between both. 5 minutes to either place. Died 12/2005.

My Alzheimer's-ridden mom lived with us for 5 yrs, and 3 months. We tried Assisted Living, but it just wasn't a good fit for her. She was more comfortable here and did pretty well, (within the scope of intermittent hospitalizations and Alzheimer's episodes of paranoia). I even wrote a book about our experiences: "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." Hubby and I learned to find the humor where we could. My mom living with us was absolutely stressful, bit it was the best choice for us, as she did better here, physically and emotionally, than she did at Assisted Living. Every family needs to make the decision that's right for them.

My 85 year old Dad lives with me and my husband, he moved in May 2016.
The difficulties have far outweighed the positives to the extent that my own health is deteriorating and my husband's too now.
The situation is destroying me and my husband is very stressed.
Old memories of a domineering Dad and Husband to my Mother, have resurfaced from the depths of my soul. I never anticipated this and certain actions and behaviours of his in present day, trigger my massive emotional scars.
I love my Dad but it was a huge mistake inviting him to stay with us.
If you are contemplating asking an elderly relative to live in your home, please bear past issues in mind. They can resurface in the most painful way and it's hard to let them go again.

Lots of love to everyone out there.xx

What is the normal financial arrangement for remodeling a home so that our elderly parents can move in with us? They will be selling their house and want to loan us the money to remodel, since we cannot afford it. I am thinking that this should be something they pay for, at least partially. What do most people do in this situation?

My Mam died in April 2015. My dad came to live with me and my husband in May 2016, he was not managing very well on his own.

Our invitation to move in has backfired spectacularly on us and we feel trapped.
He is difficult to live with, our home is no longer my sanctuary, my mental health is deteriorating and my physical state worsening.
Dad is thriving.
I want to hide in my room, my husband is running out of energy. Our relationship is under great pressure.
I want to die.

Don't do it.

Our verdict is in: We were selfish to bring an elderly parent into our home; we should have never done it. Put them into a home of some sort with other elderly folks and I will tell you why. My 84 year old MIL was living back east with her brain injured son and her grandson. She was cooking, cleaning, paying bills, doing it all for them when she decided enough was enough and moved out west with us. We thought she would help, not do it all, but help. She moved in, sat down and has never gotten back up. We are watching her waste away and have felt like we have done more damage by letting her live with us. Her own Dr has told her she needs more activity in her day. You see, we are literally gone 20 hours a day. Between our sleep time and work time there is no one around to motivate her. She is sleeping the vast majority of the 20 hours or watching television. In hindsight and I will yell this from the mountain tops, we should have brought her here, put her into a facility and taken off a month to stay with her in the facility so she could get used to it and get a routine going. The facilities we have looked at have activities, people to mingle with and make friends with, a dining room to walk to, hair days, nail days, movie days, entertainment days, etc. So, if you have any sense at all please heed our warning. Now that she is here and moved in it is impossible to get her out without hurting feelings. Don't let them move in in the first place.

Every situation is going to be different for each family unit. I know that my mother requires constant care. She does not tolerate children well because she does not like them. Period. In fact she didn't even like us as children. So how would she adapt to grandchildren and great children? Not to prepare your family for the addition elderly parents to your family unit is a no brainier. However it is something that is implemented over the years and not something done on a moments notice. My feeling on the subject would be that it would be that it would be with a child with whom the parent or parents feel comfortable or prefer to associate themselves with or have made a living arrangement with long before their mental faculties have broken down. They should put all of it in writing and have all of their OTHER children read and agree to it if possible.

It obviously depends on the personalities of all involved to make things work when an elderly relative comes to live in. My mother-in-law is living with us now after having lived by herself (by choice) very independently for 50 years. She values privacy and has always been very conservative and somewhat introverted. She doesn't show a lot of emotion and keeps things very close. It is hard to tell when she is feeling bad or what she is feeling at all because she doesn't express it outwardly. With a person like this, it is very hard to have them living in your home. She is a very gracious person, but after 50 years of relative solitude (I don't know how anyone could do this) living in a community which did not have much to offer in the way of social activities, living with us is a huge step. Even at 95, I know she thinks that she will return to her house to live by herself without much human contact. Unfortunately, she is less and less able to care for herself and returning to her home (a few hours away from us) is just not feasible. Anyway, I think people make a choice to be involved socially; you can't really force it on them. In the end, to be involved socially, or be friendly with family and involved with them is a choice that stems from their basic personalities. You can't just say: you need social activity; they will usually reject that if they are not used to it.

As we know social skills can make or break a person in life .It can be a wonderful experience for the children to have grandparents in the home to reinforce those skills. Learning to respect others starts early . . Even if the grandparent has Alzheimer Disease, children learn to tolerate differences and be helpful. Bringing in grandparents to care for can be a win win situation for all in the family. I loved having my grandmother stay with us. She had plenty of time for stories and listened to me share my day. She had tea parties with me and played games with me. My mother liked having another pair of hands to fold clothes , snap beans, and many other little jobs since my mother worked outside of the house. She appreciated having a built in babysitter who reinforced the rules of the house. Grandma loved all of us unconditionally and we all were so sad when she died. She did know it all and even more than she shared with us. I often think that my parents attitude toward caring for family influences my attitude toward caring for them. I see and am so proud of my kids having the same caring attitude toward their elders. The old saying is true. "It is not what you say but what you do that makes the difference."

elderly people like to give unsolicitated advice to younger family members who are disrespectful toward elderly because they think that they are knowing all.