Than you for this article, very nicely done.

I'm having the same problem with my father who is 81. He's had two strokes and since the last one he hasn't driven because our car has broke down and we drive his car. My husband takes him everywhere he needs to go but some times it's such a bother. My husband is always on the road and he just recently had a heart attack. So, it has been stressful. Sometimes I say we need to get our car fixed and give him his car back and let him drive just so we can have some relief. My siblings are in denial they think he's just fine with his driving. So, I get no help from them. I don't know what to do about the situation. The last time he drove we were with him and it was on a test drive. He stayed on the road well but if had to ask him where he was going because we think he was just going to drive home. We're afraid he'll forget where he's going.

An old person I know drove in such a way that I refused to be a passenger in his car. I drove both of us if we wanted to go somewhere together. His family wouldn't stop him driving. Then one day he disappeared while driving someplace he had traveled to for years. It was about 15 hours later that he was found in an Emergency Room in a town miles from where he was headed. How fortunate it was that he, as far as we know, didn't kill anyone , but he did total his car--and suffered an injury that required attention every day for a few weeks. And has had additional health issues.

In future, I will do more than refuse to travel with an impaired person. I will contact someone with the authority to act on behalf of both the public and the driver. If we can't do that for people we care about, then what kind of people are we? I'm just glad no one has died, yet, because i was too wimpy to stand up and do a public good. Color me ashamed of myself.

I have one very vital point to make. I understand that sometimes circumstances due to mental and physical problems make it important to give up driving. For many seniors (like me) this could be the difference between life and death (and I am dead serious on this but won't go into more detail on that part). Regardless of why you want the senior to stop driving or what you say to them and do about it, you cannot proceed UNLESS: YOU ASSURE THEM THAT THERE WILL BE SOME WAY FOR THEM TO GO PLACES AND DO THE THINGS THAT MEAN A GREAT DEAL TO THEM - AND YOU CANNOT LIE. If there is no means to replace what is taken away from them, you will destroy that senior's life and worse. So, before you proceed, figure out what you can do to make sure - and do it - to provide transportation to that senior for his/her needs and wants. If you don't do this, you will all be doomed.

Amc716, the neurologist that I am going to has told me that he has had to help out many times in these situations with a written letter about their dementia and risk, so maybe you can talk to a neurologist in your town who will do an exam and give you ammunition to refute this person. One doctor we had, knowing that my dad really was wanting to drive, was willing to fudge a little and claim that his driving was 'not that bad,' but his other doctors said no way!

It may not be completely fair to go from the general to the particular, but when the writer comments:

"I always wondered why no one had addressed their unsafe driving and taken their car keys away."

- it leads me to wonder whether she herself has ever had to do this.

And, as a lawyer, where indeed does she stand on the removal of property, with the intention of permanent deprivation thereof, from the person to whom it legitimately belongs?

I personally have ditched ethics before now and been extremely rude to at least two elderly gentlemen whose driving was, as I told them, beyond a joke. It is worth escalating the confrontation in order to prevent the greater harm. But let's not pretend that "speaking respectfully" or using sweet reason will do the trick. We are talking about not only egos and but also practicalities which militate very strongly against voluntary surrender of the keys. People who will come up with extraordinary explanations for why they drove at speed into their own garden wall, for example, (a pigeon distracted me. These shoes have never fit. It rained last night so the foot pedal was slippery. Your mother kept talking*) rather than face the fact that their muscle memory can no longer be trusted. But also, we live in societies where not having a car is a royal pain in the behind until you have got the hang of the alternatives - internet delivery, cab services, volunteer organisations etc.

Whatever you do about this, though, don't pretend that isn't a big deal - and don't be so quick to assume that friends and families just aren't trying.

* Yes. She was saying "MIND THE BLOODY WALL!!!"

When my husband had the major stroke that killed him, the first words out of his mouth were "I have to be able to drive!" In reality, I had not let him drive for several years as his vision was definitely compromised (he had been diagnosed with MCI)--but then he took driving lessons and his instructor certified him to drive 2-3 miles a day, no left turns, 30 miles an hour! In actuality, he only drove once every month or so to get haircuts or nails cut. In my opinion that was also dangerous, but luckily he had no accidents as he stuck to the driving instructors lessons.

I just went through this with my mother (she is 84).

We live in PA and when she went to the gerontologist, he diagnosed her with moderate dementia. PA is one of the few states that requires the Dr. to inform the DMV and he did just that.

She had a fit and no longer wanted to be under the gerontologist's care and found another Dr. on her own. She took the driving form to the new Dr...who in turn told her she could not sign off until she passed a driver's test.

My mother spent $600.00 for a written and behind the wheel test...while at the same time lying about it to me. I found out because the therapist at the rehab center (that offers the driving program) contacted me by mistake thinking it was my mother. I am POA...so it was OK (financial and medical) for her to share with me.

The therapist informed me that my mother "borderline" passed the written test...which is basically the same test that the gerontologist gave to her. I am not sure why this woman passed my mother knowing the previous diagnosis.

My mother continued to lie to me...telling me she had "no way to get to the driving test" when I knew in fact, they were coming to her home. It was one of her manipulative ploys to get me to feel sorry for her...but it didn't work.

Apparently, she passed the driving portion as well but can only drive during the day. Again, this is not something she shared with me, she shared it my cousin in CA! She still has not said a word to me about it.

Yes it's true she can navigate from point A to point B when things are familiar to her. But the gerontologist gave a scenario if there was construction or an accident, would she know how to detour and get home? I refuse to get in the car with her while she drives...but I have driven her places and every time we go somewhere, she tells me it's not familiar when it could only be minutes from her home and roads she has traveled all of her life.

Her decision to fight this, while understandable is very selfish. Not only is she putting herself at risk, she is putting others at risk as well.

My mother is also a Xanax addict and again, the therapist knew this. I am certain that my mother is taking more than the recommended dose because her anxiety levels are off the charts. In addition, the Xanax does not metabolize as it would with a younger person...so it stays in her body longer....which will definitely have an affect on her while she is driving.

My question is what is the liability from this rehab center and this woman who said it was OK for my mother to drive...when the same exact written test (I asked her to explain the test to me) was given to my mother in early July...and it stated that she had moderate dementia?

I will appreciate any input.
Thank you.

My own mother was very crafty about this! When my sister and I tried to turn her in for not being able to see the road anymore, due to advanced macular degeneration, she dug her heels in. According to DMV in her area, she needed a note from her primary care physician to determine her ability to drive. When we gave the paperwork to her PCP, he had NO KNOWLEDGE of her macular degeneration, and therefore, he couldn’t attest to her ability to see or not. She never told him she had AMD.

When she and my dad would venture out for the day, he would tell her that she was drifting over too far to the left or right. He couldn’t drive anymore due to problems with reflexes because of Parkinsons. But that’s how they got around. Yikes!!

Finally one day, she ventured out on her own and almost hit a person walking along the road. This scared her enough to come home and hang up her keys for good! She said she never saw this him until she almost hit him! I believe someone caught up to her and chewed her out and threatened to call the cops.

This was over 7 yrs ago. She has since moved closer to me and now I take her where she needs to go. My dad passed away 6 yrs ago. God rest his soul.

We have handled this situation for two elderly persons in our family. My Mom was driving and getting lost. She had a Dementia workup by a neurologist who advised that once he diagnosed Alzheimer's if my Mom had a car accident all her money would be lost in court. He ordered a evaluation by Occupational Therapists at a local hospital. Mom went in the first day and did not return to complete the evaluation. She did recognize how low her score was. She was angry for a minute and then would state, "I am glad I am not driving anymore." My 90+ F-I-L does not have dementia and was only driving off interstates to the grocery store etc. My husband and I explained his ability to react to situations was very slow. We explained that if he were injured we would all be sad BUT if he injured a child none of us, especially him, would ever get over it. It took him a week or two to ponder that conversation but he did turn over his keys. He still drives the golf cart on our ranch. That seems to satisfy him.

It makes it even worse when you have siblings who would rather your mother or dad have a terrible accident, or kill someone, then to have to sometimes provide transportation. They refused to believe it, to the point where my parents doctor wanted to know if they were crazy. Dad pitched a fit - and sibling said to let him drive despite him getting sick while on the road and almost passing out. Finally had to get his doctor and DMV involved - they sent a letter saying that there must be a physical exam - and my dad balked at that. Next thing you know a letter comes from DMV ' since you did not go for exam, your license is suspended.' That was a real relief, and now my dad says ' No one should be driving after eighty.' He agrees that he put his life and others at risk. I agree and think that DMV in every state needs to require a driving test after 80, at least. I have seen some people who could barely get out of their car - and the car was a huge SUV. Yesterday I saw an older man who was straddling the lanes all the way into town. People were blowing their horn at him.

My mother's (91 yo) driving was terrifying, especially on the freeway--she almost ran us in to a concrete divider at 92 mph. After much thought I reported her to the DMV.

They called me, wondering if it might be better for me to approach her, but I knew she'd balk and insisted they investigate. She had to get medical and eye exams. They revoked her license the moment they saw the eye exam--turns out she's half blind in the left eye and 1/4 blind in the right. She has glaucoma and in some people the optic nerve is damaged even when the intraocular pressure is normal.

She continues to drive without the license but thinks I don't know. She isn't capable of researching other transportation so I'm doing that and working on getting rid of the car. The writer is correct--it's a lot more work for me now.

By the way, the DMV did this in a way that my mother doesn't suspect that I turned her in. If I had tried to stop her driving it would have alienated her. I had no idea that she's 5/8 blind and wouldn't have known if the DMV hadn't stepped in.

My dad loves to drive, but was not safe. When his license was set to expire (in IA), he thought he would be able to just walk right in and renew it. Knowing he would not listen to us "kids," I called the DMV and found they had a form I could complete stating I believed him to be an unsafe driver and why and requesting a written and/or driving test. IF he asked who said he was unsafe, they would have to tell him, but the test would have to be given. When he walked in to renew his license, he was extremely mad, but he is no longer driving!

I wish drivers licensing places had a number to call if you were concerned about someone's ability to drive safely. And they were the ones to talk to them and evaluate what the next step should be. And take it off the families to have this conversation. As many family members dont always agree on which outcome is better.

My father has free transportation available to him through his apartment but never uses it. He wants to drive but has no where to go. He wants to drive to my house but I tell him I could be out when he gets there. His walking ability is very limited so going to the store isn't something he wants to do even if someone else drives! We have an agreement that he can only drive the car if another adult goes with him because he might get lost. No one but me will go with him. Our drives are to the local mechanic to change the oil in the car. Once a quarter he calls AAA to come start the car. He's losing interest. We are slowly getting there.

One thing we need to remember, if we take away an elder's privilege to drive, we need to replace it with something else. You drive... or taxis... or senior buses.

I found out the hard way when my Dad had to stop driving, I became my parent's chauffeur, and my parents wanted to get out of the house 2 to 3 times PER DAY... so I did what I could, taking time off from work, using all my vacation days, sick days, and no paid days. After several years of driving Miss Daisy and her husband, my job was eliminated by the corporate office... oops.

Now I had to set boundaries which were meet with fussing and guilt... no more driving Mom to the grocery store so she can buy just 3 items, it's now a full cart or we are not going.... no more going to the doctor unless it was back-to-back appointments for Mom and Dad.... and now taking Dad to Home Depot once a month, so he can roam around the store for 2 hours and buy just one light bulb and a tube of epoxy.

All the above stress of driving, and especially driving their car which isn't user friendly [my Mom can't climb up into my vehicle any more]... and stress of trying to get approved time off from work, I now have developed panic attacks when I drive.

Oh how I wished my parents would have moved to that lovely retirement village down the road where the community has free transportation for them.

I agree with Cricketfarms. The DMV should be testing all people over a certain age. Some people are perfectly capable of driving well into their 80's or 90's. Others are not. Maybe some sort of vision and reaction test at age 75, then again at 80, then every three years - computers can simulate this sort of thing, it shouldn't be that difficult or expensive. Its a horrible thing to lose the independence of driving. When we took Mom's car away, she was 92. She would make a wrong turn out of her driveway and go miles before she realized it. She drove in the middle of the road, at high speed. She could not follow directions and would get lost going anywhere but on a straight road. Yet, for five years she badgered us, complained, and mourned the loss of her car. I think it would have been easier if the authorities had given her a test and then explained she must give up her license than the way we had to do it. Two neighbors finally gave up theirs, but only after they totaled their cars and put themselves in the hospital.

What should we do when a relative's got it together enough to make it impossible to just grab the keys, or disable/lose the car ... and yet s/he should not be driving (but does it anyway)?

My dad refuses to give up his keys, and my brothers refuse to confront him (he won't listen to me). I worry about him hurting someone else ... I've actually considered having someone disable his car ... if that happened, I'm sure he couldn't figure out how to get it fixed (his ability to deal with multi-pronged projects is gone). I am at my wits end.

92 yr old plows through car wash at 40 mph
msn/en-us/news/us/driver-plows-through-car-wash-at-40-mph/vi-AA8cOf6

If the DMV would insist on annual testing for people over a certain age, it would certainly take the heat off of many families who struggle with this issue. My MIL was a bad driver for many years but refused to see it. She drove her car like it was a badge of honor and was furious when we insisted she shouldn't be driving. At first we merely had the discussion of her not driving and I offered to drive her anywhere, anytime, night or day. She agreed she would no longer drive. But she would sneak her car out when she thought we were busy so we had to insist on the keys. That's when she got furious. She finally came around to seeing and admitting we did the right thing. It was not easy, but for the sake of others, it is an issue that has to be pressed when they can't self evaluate. There is no particular age when the discussion should begin, but rather an evaluation of the elder's capabilities. But for everyone's safety, I do wish the DMV would get involved and the issue would moot - if the DMV says you can't drive, you can't drive, end of discussion.

Well---I am an elderly person, and can understand how the elderly ones feel and would likely react. Yes, I agree that (some of the elderly) do need to be reasoned with in regards to continuing to drive a vehicle when older. But! I also think it should be a fair and balanced opinion on both side of the issue, regarding the seriousness of each individual being considered as to weather they should drive or not. There are younger people that have handicaps created though one reason or other, that must drive vans or whatever with special sticks and devises put in the vehicles so that they can even lift themselves into the van in a wheel chair and herd the vehicle down the road. If they do have an accident or mishap, they are pretty helpless when it comes to rescue. This happened once near where we live. But they pulled him out of the vehicle and the ditch, and let him back under the wheel. I do think, that all persons, no matter whether young or old, should be required to be tested more often. Especially if they have serious medical reasons. This in itself would eliminate heart rending moments for the family members who are worried or concerned about someone they know is driving, that they feel needs checking out. That would be more fair to the elderly, and the handicapped persons, to be evaluated even yearly if necessary due to their health conditions. The very young driver up to the elderly, should all be evaluated if their driving habits were brought into question. A protection to themselves as well as others. joy lee, Give a hug.

I don't believe it is up the adult children to decide when their parents should give up driving. If you think they are having trouble contact Motor V. and let them make a decision. Personally I think someone at age 85 is safer on the road than an 18 year old.

It is true elderly folks have accidents. Do we take away the keys from so very many twenty-year olds, thirty-year olds, forty-year olds! There are many more accidents, fatal and otherwise among each of these groups but we don't hear talk of taking keys away from them. Accidents happen every day involving the age groups mentioned above.

oh, and i also tell him ' i know that your responsible enough that if you felt you cant drive, your the kind of honerable guy that would give up your keys.'and i say this often, but not too often. i always say how honerable a man is when he gives up his keys. and that sinks in, if you dont nag. a guy at lodge gave up his keys voluntarily ( he was an former police officer) and he got respect for doing that.

this is how i look at dads driving. hes 87. now ill try and post of our garages ( we have 2 garages and a HUGE steep driveway.) i do look at his pickup now and again to be sure theres no dents or dings ( in the front, front side fenders) because if hes able to drive his truck in and out of that small garage, on a hill, with a slight curve, if he can do that and not put a ding on his truck, hes good.
also i put a 'brody knob' on his steering wheel because he cant lift his arms as well as he used to, so this knob makes driving much easier for him.
another note, he LOVES the huge side mirrors on his chevy colordo. he says they make all the difference when backing up.

Mother resides in Niagara Falls, NY. After riding with her to a doctor appointment, it was very clear that it was time. Keys were given to neighbor that has know and watch over Mother for years (three plus) and added to auto insurance policy as 'approved operator'. Though Mother never said, 'Why can't I drive myself?', nor has she asked, 'Where are my car keys?' I am quite sure there is some dislike for my actions. As has been said before, 'that's life, deal with it.'

My dad was so bad at driving at 89 that I finally took him to a nurologist and voiced my concerns right in front of my dad. Although I did broach the subject with the utmost respect for his feelings. I had been trying to get him to give up the "keys" for years and no family member or friend would even ride with him. The doctor insisted that my dad would have to take a driving test before he could drive again. Dad would do things like 40 mph on I-95...Well, two weeks later, he failed miserbily the driving part of the test. The woman walked back into the building with terror on her face....he ran two stop signs, never used the rear view or side view mirrors, never looked over his sholder and had to use the brakes on her side of the car several times. She cut the ride short and never took him on I-95 as planned. Durring the discussion part of the meeting she told him that he would have to give up his licence. Needless to say...on the ride home after I took the keys from him, he proceeded to tell me how "unqualified she was". He continued to drive to church with keys he had hidden, but did, at least, limit his outings. I knew that more drastic measures were needed. (It didnt help that no notification from DMV came for about 2 months). My dad suffered a mild stroke and was in the hospital and rehab and I gave one of his cars to the disabled veterans and sold the other one to a neighbor. I was feeling such guilt about being so underhanded. I didn't need to worry though, he never found out because he passed away a month an a half after admitted to the hospital. He shouldn't have been driving for at least 10 years before...it is lucky that he didnt kill somebody. Please, take matters into your own hands...keep others safe on the roads. It is your responsibility now!
P.S. You need to have POA to give away or sell a car.

naheaton, that's hilarious!!!! I needed a good laugh, thanks.

On the way back from the coast once, my friend and I were behind someone that was holding up traffic something fierce. There was a huge line of us cars behind the lead car, who refused to go the speed limit. When there was finally a passing lane and we were all passing this car (and we all knew it was some OLD person). I looked over at them as I passed, and it was MY GRANDPARENTS!! So, from now on when I'm behind some old person going slow, I don't get mad anymore. ha.