If anyone is left in charge of parents' affairs...I have advice- include all siblings in your parent's life and funeral plans. Don't ask for advice unless you will consider it. It is a big job so don't accept it if you aren't going to make the hard decisions. Don't complain if your parent gave you the responsibility- your siblings could have done the job too and probably would have liked to have been asked. Inform siblings about your parents' health and other changes. And for parents- buy insurance for extended care and don't tell your kids that you will never move out of your house. Siblings complain about other siblings not helping but often they don't want help. My siblings only asked me to do difficult appointments when I came in town to visit my parents and I live over 400 miles away and they live 10 minutes away. I am free from worry now that my mom has 24/7 care in assisted living.

Looking for some feedback. Let's see if I can sum up my situation without rambling too much. I am the oldest (daughter) with 4 other siblings. My stepfather has severe dementia and is in an expensive care facility. My mother up until now has been living in an apartment complex for seniors. Her health issue is depression and no interest in eating (continuing weight loss). No interest in socializing with other seniors in her complex. My two sisters and one brother live the same city as my mother, my husband and I retired 8 years ago and moved about 500 miles away (before any parent concerns), and my other brother lives about 300 miles away. One sister has a very demanding job (VP of a major corporation), the other recently retired, and the in-town brother owns his own business. The brother out of town is also involved in a demanding job.


My recently retired sister and her husband have convinced my mother to move in with them. Mom is excited about it and my sister and Mom are close. My mother and I are not. We have nice conversations, but we have nothing in common and if I spend any amount of time with her, we are both not happy.


So, what's the issue? I'm kept out of the loop. I've had a tense relationship with the care-giving sister for the last 25 years, so we rarely talk on the phone. When I call my Mother, she doesn't share everything going on. I just learned of the move last week--it's happening in a few more weeks. There is resentment there by the in-town siblings, but when we visit we are not invited to stay with the siblings. Hotel, food, and transportation bills at over can add up pretty quickly.


I do care about my Mother and I want to be a part of her life before she is gone. We are planning to sell our home, move full-time in a RV (we've done it before and enjoyed it), spend at 2-3 months near my Mother. We will leave in the summer (it is a desert location with over 100 degrees) and the winter (it is bitterly cold often below zero) and the wind blows from 40-60 mph often (you can understand why we left). Do you think this change will help with my family situation? I do care and want to help, but I don't want to live permanently is this location. My husband is supportive, but refuses to relocate back to the area.

Mom has been living with me over 25 years in my home, where I pay all the bills. In all that time none of my sisters have offered to take her "on vacation" so I can have some time of my own. I have offered that any of them can come and stay in my home, with Mom, while I go elsewhere but they never want to do that unless I am home and they can come to visit with me there. Now Mom was diagnosed with dementia last year and can not be left alone at all so I am 24/7 with her. This last year one sister has become very vocal that I am not doing enough for Mom and she never gets to spend enough time with Mom. She has criticized me to family and friends but never offers to help in any way. I again offered that she and her family could come and stay with Mom while I have other commitments this fall and she attacked me saying I have never offered this before and she should not have to come from two states away to give me a vacation since I take off and leave Mom alone all the time (not true). I asked her to back up her statements but of course she can not. I have never denied my sisters access to Mom and won't but at this point I don't care if that sister ever comes to visit again - I know I won't be available to entertain her and her family. In the meantime I am working on getting coverage during my commitments and not including that sister.

I am the sole caregiver of my 85 year old mother, who has Dementia and early signs of Parkinson’s. I have two sister and a brother who lives close around, but I guess in their eyes, because they work, I should be the one taking care of my mom. I am disabled. I’ve had 2 back surgeries and 1 neck surgery. I have 3 bulging disc in my back and 2 in my neck. I have to do everything for my mom. A couple of years ago, we were suppose to trade off on weekends, but my 1 sister said she works, I’m not using my weekends. My brother, he doesn’t do anything. 1 sister lives with me and my mom. She doesn’t help in household chores and doesn’t help do outside chores. Maybe some families don’t want any help, but I would welcome any help that I could get.

I understand your perspectives and don't disagree that those types of caregivers exist who you describe. In fact, I hear fairly often in online support groups, that one person has taken over and won't let others help.
My own brother and his wife and adult kids believe that's true of me. But, I'd just like to offer a different perspective, maybe even different from that of the "defensive" caregiver who is controlling. I actually arrived 2 years AFTER my brother and his family. I'd been told that all was well, and my short 2 day visits didn't reveal much. However, once I moved to the area, I saw that I'd missed far too much about their living conditions. Their closet was piled waist- high with clothes on the floor. I pulled clothes out to wash, and by the time I got to the bottom, I noticed the clothes on the bottom had urine in them that had caused them to mildew and soaked through the carpet into the subfloor.
Also, many of their appliances were broken, and their dishwasher was filled with rotten-smelling brown water filled with swimming larvae.
Gutters outside were so full they had pulled away from the fascia and damaged the roofing.
So, I took over and didn't ask for help. But I often wondered if or when they'd offer. They just weren't around for me to turn them away. THey never called, and if they came by, they just visited with Mom and ignored me. They never once said, "hey, we're here; how can we help?"
They first complained that they didnt know what to do to help, but to be here 2 years before me, and not do any repairs or cleaning had nothing to do with me, since I wasn't even here.
If I got something repaired, my brother would say he could have done it himself "for free" or hired someone cheaper.
So, the whole "she won't LET us help" narrative is an excuse that is suspect considering how much time they had to do it all themselves.

Every time I took either parent to a doctor, my brother's daughter (who I'd not met before moving here), would undo whatever I was doing to follow doctor's instructions. If I asked her to comply with the doctor's orders, she would demand a verbatim replay of the doctor's words. Then she'd insist I was lying and demand proof or would demand that I give her the doctor's number.
I've known Mom and Dad for 60 years and lived with them for 20. She, otoh, has lived 10 hours for her entire life up until she moved with her parents 3 years ago to a house lived 20 min away. She clearly viewed herself as the expert on them and said to me once "I KNOW what they need and want!!"
Her boyfriend of 6 years insisted I need to communicate more, which is highly hypocritical considering that he has a criminal background that they all chose NOT to communicate to me or to my parents before bringing him in to their house. I found out about it when I googled their house to pay them a visit.
I kept hearing tales from both parents about my brother begging for money all the time but I didn't get involved until Mom had a stroke. I took her checkbooks to pay all the bills coming in and noticed that my brother and his family had bilked her out more than $25,000 in their first year here. They also had convinced Dad that he had to reimburse their wages for coming to town, so he was paying their mortgage on a house he didn't choose that is far more expensive than he told them he'd be willing to buy. And my brother's daughter talked Dad into buying a new car for her (saying she wished she could more for them, but her car just wasn't reliable enough). He was unaware that he was continuing to pay her tags, registration and insurance 2 years later...until I noticed it.
Once he and Mom saw how much I was doing, and that my brother and his family weren't doing anything, it empowered them to stop giving him money. At that point, the feces hit the fan and my brother's daughter tried a scheme to get rid of me by accusing me of a crime in the hospital.
So, yes, I actually HAVE begun to shut them out at this point, for my own protection, as well as Mom and Dad's.

Well done article showing both sides of the conflict. I see myself in the caregiver who wants to avoid drama and resents "suggestions" that only add to my workload. I do try to keep siblings informed and invite them to participate in significant decisions, but as POA, I have no intention of revealing parent's financial specifics other than what they can afford.

In 11 years my 6 sibs never said, Hey, take a week off and go camping- I'll stay w/ the folks. Instead they would visit and expect that the house would become a B&B, so I had to clean my half of the house extra well, as well as the folks half, which I had to clean all the time. Seldom a thanks. Did they think I kept my bathroom that clean all the time? Once I overheard 2 agreeing to go out to breakfast, obviously excluding me, the better to talk about me over their restaurant meal. And some wonder why I don't feel much affection for them as I once did. (Thanks for letting me vent. . . Happy Mother's Day)

Begged and pleaded with parents to ask for their other child to help. Finally did get some help, only to find out that not only were they going behind my back and smearing my reputation, and accusing me of outrageous things, but they also wanted complete control of finances and decision making. Everyone I asked for advice told me that I was doing exactly the right thing for parents, but they disagreed to the point of calling me names and even telling other people that I was abusing parents. Yes I would love to have help, but not when it makes an already stressful and depressing situation even more so. I don't need the drama, and like my parents have said - I will never be so dumb again as to trust them. Never. Now they can go on all the trips they want and live it up. A counselor said they will have this to think about during their final moments on earth - true. My mom used to say that sometimes the people who will treat you the worst are your own family members. This is what happens with a dysfunctional family where there was resentment and jealousy all along.

2nd best, many are defensive because they have a right to be. And it's not "some", it is "most". Sure there maybe some who like playing the martyr role, but as I said before in most cases you can beg and plead for some help and none is forthcoming.

I know easily a dozen people over the years who have had done caregiving for their parents, and it's the same story. They get no help from siblings.

If you think your sister has embezzled money from your mother, than do something about it. Seriously, have an investigation. Call the local authorities.

I will give you an example that just happened in regards to caregiving.

A friend of mine has an elderly father who still lives alone, friend lives less than 5 minutes away by car. Friend is over there everyday. Father is having heart surgery tomorrow. The brother who lives back east promised to come out and spend a week or two, he was supposed to be here yesterday. He has tons of frequent flyer miles so he doesn't even have to buy a plane ticket.

Brother is not coming now. He called my friend yesterday and he can't make it. He said he talked to dad and dad sounded shaky, but did he call my friend and say "hey can you go check on dad he sounds shaky"....NO, it was all BS. He doesn't want to come here, because he is afraid after surgery(he was going to stay in the father's house) he would be asked to assist dad.

My friend even told me, " I bet he doesn't come", sure enough...LOL. He's not coming. Very nice, two days before your father's surgery and now you're not coming. No excuse given, just not coming.

I said to my friend "what will happen when your father passes?", answer "He will be out here so fast it will make my head spin".

This happens all over America(and other countries) all the time. This is more common than some martyr caregiver trying to shut others out.

Thanks for you note, 2ndBest. You are not alone. While there are likely more caregivers who have siblings not interested in helping, I did feel that the other side needed representing. I hear from both sides and I know for a fact that there are adult children who have a very difficult time even seeing their parents. Ideally, the whole family should work together in parent care but as we all know, Ideal is rare. I'm so sorry about what you are going through and grateful that you had the patience and took the time to read comments and provide your own perspective. Please keep checking back on the site. There is room for everyone.
Carol

Sorry to hear so many on this thread are so vehemently defensive about their role as primary caregiver. Maybe some have good reason to be resentful about their siblings' lack of participation, but some of us are just, as the article states, "shut out". I have enjoyed reading all the comments on this thread, on both sides of this caregiver/sibling issue, and my situation is very similar to palmtrees1 and BlackSheep's. I live 600+ mi away from all my family of origin. I also have a "Big Cheese" sister that is 100% in control of my mom's every need and decision, healthwise, financial, everything. She is Executor, healthcare advocate, and if the need arises, will be POA. Her name was added to our mom's bank checking account after my dad died. She has acquired about $200k from their assets since his death. She has manipulated our mom into making a downpayment on a house for her (about a year after our dad passed away), paid for her kitchen remodel, and my brother and I have good reason to believe our mom secretly gave her a $140k insurance settlement. This sister of mine has always been the "Squeaky Wheel" in the family and always seems to get the "Oil." Oh well...On my last visit to my mom a couple weeks ago (sister was out of town) my mom and I had a nice time together. My husband and I did some helpful things for her - she had moved to another floor in her Senior Residence a few months ago. It seems whoever helped move her just randomly tossed everything in cabinets and had no regard for her comfort. It's hard to explain how haphazard everything was, but we spent some time hanging pictures on the walls for her, moving furniture to better use the limited space, organizing her pantry and stuff like that. It feels good to help her, and we would do a lot more if we lived close, but we don't. So we did what we could while we were there. But the fact remains that I and my brothers are completely locked out of her financial affairs that my sister has all under her sole control. I told my mom I would be happy to assume the duties of paying her bills, banking, etc. since it is all done online, but I really doubt my sister will release her death grip on all that. She has it all just like she wants it - totally under her exclusive control. Plenty of secrecy and opportunity for exploitation since our mom is clueless about financial matters. So that's the situation and I have come to accept the fact that I am very limited in my ability to change any of that. My sister is supposed to be dispensing my 86 yr old mom's meds, but my mom is now doing that herself, even though the doctor told my sister she needs to be doing that for her. I could report that, since my mom is very confused about the meds (three of the pills look almost identical) but don't want to see her possibly become a ward of the state. So I go along to get along. If I complain at all to my siblings, I become the "bad guy". My sister will lie and fiercely defend any and all of her actions, or lack thereof. So I just look the other way. My mom will always side with my sister in any confrontation, so it does me no good to do anything but butt out. Not the best thing for my mom, but apparently that's how she wants it. I have let go of the notion that I have any say or influence in how she is taken care of. My sister has "won". The prize is she gets to take care of every detail of my mom's care for as long as she lives, and then if there is any money left, she gets her greedy paws on it. Whatever. I have resigned to these facts and life is a little easier knowing it's all out of my hands. I, my husband and kids will never have anything to do with my sister again, actually we all cut ties with her 7 yrs ago soon after my father's death. Her true colors have definitely been shining through. Sorry if my comments here are a little wordy and rambling...just venting and getting my feelings out in hopes that someone here can relate. My husband gets tired of listening to me so I share it on this forum!! Thanks for reading and letting me air my feelings of hurt, and frustration and rejection. I can only hope that once my mom has passed away and I never have to hear my sister's name mentioned again, things may get easier emotionally. 'Til then I'll be checking in here on this site from time to time. Thanks to all here who have shared their experiences.

I agree with Carla, BlackSheep. JeanneGibbs is compassionate and right on with most of her comments. You have every right to your feelings. Your family has treated you in an unspeakable manner. But we only have surface knowledge to go by. Whether or not Jeanne got it right this time she didn't deserve such a harsh response. She was trying to support you. No one should have to go through what you have gone through, so we are all behind you and simply trying to support you in any way that we can.
Hang in. People here do understand.
Carol

Wow BlackSheep, that was beyond harsh! I don't agree with JeanneGibbs on this issue either, but she didn't in any way victimize you, and she didn't blame the victim. She was totally supportive of your choice not to provide care, and sympathetic regarding your relationship with your sibling.

You should understand this: you destroy your own credibility when you appear to hear things that weren't said and read things that weren't written. Not to mention when you attack someone who did nothing to offend you. A word to the wise, hopefully.

Jeanne Gibbs, no one chooses to be The Family Outcast. And you are incorrect, the favored "Golden Child" often throws the other siblings under the bus in order to retain favored status. Read about Nacissistic Parenting and the co-dependent relationship between the Narcissistic Parent and the Co-Dependent (Golden) child. There can be no relationship when a dysfunctional (Golden Child) sibling is using deceit, secrecy, and power plays to maintain their tenuous thread that ties them to their co-dependent relationship with the Narcissistic Parent(s).

But thanks for blaming the victim (again). Us Black Sheep are used to it. When you've been emotionally and sexually abused by the people you are supposed to be able to trust the most (family) it is a badge of honor to be able to stand up for yourself and say "you can't abuse me any more".

And that goes for you Jeanne Gibbs. Go victimize someone else.

BlackSheep, I always maintain that each child in a family has a right to make his or her own decisions about if/what they will do to help parents. I cannot understand how children who were abused or neglected can be expected to do personal caring. MAYBE, if there is no one else to do it, such children might arrange care, see that the parent is in a good facility, etc.

The Golden Child did nothing to deserve that role, any more than you chose to be the Black Sheep. It is too bad the two of you can't have a relationship. That is another thing your parents' behavior deprived you both of. Sorry.

Hold your head up, and don't feel you ever have to justify you caregiving decisions. There may be some situations where you want to explain the decisions, but please don't feel defensive.

When the parents have spent 50+ years favoring and praising one child while simultaneously criticizing and devalue another child don't blame "the Black Sheep" for wanting nothing to do with caregiving for the so-called "parents". I wouldn't treat a dog the way my parents treated me and now that my Martyr Golden Child sister is stuck taking care of them she has no right to complain.

That is one of the worst that I've heard. It's amazing how clueless or selfish some siblings are.

I experienced what I guess you would call an emotional collapse about 3 years into caregiving, I ended up in the hospital myself. I had just gone through having mom in one hospital for scheduled surgery and than dad in another (30 miles apart) for an emergency surgery, not scheduled.

I held it together while this was all going on, with no help, going back and forth, one parent coming home, one going to a rehab for a few weeks.,,,than fell apart.

My sweet brother upon hearing(long distance) of my condition said to me on the phone "I'm so disappointed in you"....amazing. Not "OMG what happened?", "How can I help?"

Amazing.

Arose4you, I totally related to this comment "What's most infuriating is none of the sibilings (even the ones that are helping some what) truly understand the stress of caregiving. They are not involved in the future long-term planning for our parents or how much of a financial strain their needs cause on us."

It is the lack of emotional support and moral support that gets me, and that can be provided from across the world if the sibling is willing to provide it. It's out of sight, out of mind for my siblings. I have one sibling who lives only a few blocks from Mom. She doesn't stop in, check up, call or anything. I have tried to enlist her (and others) in working out some longer term plans for Mom, but she's not willing to be involved. The burden isn't falling on her, so she doesn't care. Then she accuses me of creating drama when I freak out about how much more dependent and demanding Mom is getting all the time. I'm not taking the blame for my sibling being a horse's rump. It's all on her!

Butterfly2015, there is something called an airplane, you can get on one if you're so concerned. Why would you have POA? You don't even live in the United States, POA is for someone who can be contacted easily, not living in another country.

Why there may be a small percentage of caregivers who have a "martyr" syndrome, most would cut off their own finger if someone would say they would give them an afternoon off in exchange for the finger.

I am the middle sibling of three. When my father died I was very hurt because my siblings kept from me details of my father's inquest and refused to discuss it when I found out- instead, they just blanked me. That went on for 11 years until my mother fell ill - (now diagnosed with Alzheimers) - then same thing happened again, they took control and kept me out of the loop. I live abroad, so difficult for me to see for myself how my mother is doing. Both siblings are PoA for my mother - I am not. My mother refused to discuss it with me. Her house was sold and she went to live with my sister - I found out about that from someone else. I've been pushed out, insulted (told to F... off, told breaking contact with me is no loss) and have been through alot of upset. My mother may be old and sick now, but over the years she has caused bad feeling amongst us, distorting things and trying to manipulate us, playing us off one against the other. It's very sad, I think about it every day, but feel there is little I can do when others refuse to even speak about it. I have become a scapegoat - every communication I have tried to have with them is ignored, dismissed as nonsense etc etc I feel all I can do is detach for my own sanity. Other family members have seen what's gone on and tried to intervene - they have also been yelled at and frozen out. So, it's a real dilemna that becomes impossible to resolve or even discuss.

Each family situation is unique - you have to view it in context according to family dynamics and history.

My siblings and I live fairly close to each other.
In my case, my sister needs to take a good hard look at her behavior and how she treats the rest of us. When mom is in the hospital and nursing home, she appoints herself as the one in charge. She takes over, cuts me off from having an opinion or getting involved. She cuts me off from talking to the nurses, even when they wanted to talk to me, she acts like I'm not even in the room. She knows more than anyone else, even mom's doctors and nurses. There's no such thing as a discussion. She doesn't delegate, she dictates. She'll make appointments for mom expecting me to take care of them, but won't talk to me about it beforehand and ask me if I can do it or if I'm available that day. She gives out orders and criticizes. (If she doesn't like the way we're handling things, she should step in and do it herself. But she won't.) She won't do any of the actual work, like running around, running errands, taking care of mom's house and appointments, etc. because she's too busy for that. She dumps that on me, treats me like a servant. Mom has always had a habit of telling me one thing and telling sis something completely different, then she'll get angry and criticize because I'm not doing what mom wants. I don't want to be around her anymore.

Mom spends more time living in her own home by herself than she does in the hospital or nursing home, but when she's home, my sister becomes uninvolved and unavailable I have to do everything, by default. (including her health care and paperwork) I've tried to set boundaries and expect others to take turns, but it made things worse. Everyone's passing the buck, I'M busy, I'M not doing that, I'M not taking her shopping, I'M not taking her to the doctor, I'M not having her at my house for Thanksgiving. So I've just given in and become constantly available for mom and doing everything.

Hi Irishboy,

We all have had different caregiving experiences.

I cared for five people at once running from place to place for 24 hours a day seven days a week - for many years. You are right, I didn't have anyone living in my home (I do now). If this has been part-time, then I guess you are right.

My caregiving is now going on 30 years, although now the one person left lives with me.

I've had people tell me I was/am playing martyr and that's made me as angry as it does you.

The point of the article was that for some - I repeat - for some - there is another side to the story. I try my best to tell both sides even when it does not apply to me. That's what writers do.

About the title "expert" - It's a title used by most websites to denote someone with experience. My experience is different than yours, but 30 years is a long time to be responsible for multiple ill people who need you on a daily basis. So, I stand by the fact that I do have experience, although, as noted, it's different than yours.

I'm really sorry you're having such a rough time and that your brother is so uncaring. It's got to be extremely hard.

Please keep finding support on the site. There are many people here who have experience that mirrors yours more than my experience does so you'll find comfort there.

I truly hope that you find some relief somehow so that you can have time for yourself.
Carol

Carol Bradley, per you other posts you only did part time caregiving. What makes you an expert? I took care of two elderly parents for 5 yrs on my own, I and others on here are more of an expert than you.

Do you know how many caregivers plead and beg with siblings for help and never get it? Not even when they ask for someone to give them a break for a week.

I couldn't even get my brother to come down when our father lay dying in the ICU for 4 days, but his hiney was on the plane the day after he was gone looking for his cut.

In 5yrs he never offered any help, and when he would come to visit never offered any help. The last time he came down to see our father(my mother had already passed) I had to ask him to do simple tasks such as get the mail, bring in the garbage can, as I was doing soiled laundry.

PLEASE, while there may be a small minority of "martyrs", I have talked to so many caregivers where it all falls on one adult child who can hold their breath and turn blue to ask for help, and none is forthcoming.

You're an expert at insulting caregivers.

I was reading j azzyjul56 and that brought back memories. I often left my siblings out of the loop because I was too exhausted to sit down and do what I needed to do to inform them of everything. I was fortunate, however, in that I didn't get the brush off or worse yet, criticism many of you've gotten.

When I was asked to write this article, both Agingcare and I knew that many on the forum would be insulted, if not angered. The reason for writing one article in support of out-of-town caregivers (when there are countless ones in support of the sole caregiver left to carry the full load) is that we do hear from left out siblings, and yes, I've interviewed a few. They do exist. We felt that they, too, needed an outlet.

However, the stats would fall in support of the fact that one in-town caregiver is generally left to do most of the work, is often criticized for the decisions made, and is brushed off when she (or he) asks for help. There's no getting around it. Most of you who were insulted by the article have a right to be, even though I tried my best to put across to readers that this doesn't apply to most situations.

Keep sharing your experiences. It truly helps to let it all out.
Carol

kathyt1, then why isn't your father using his funds now to provide some in-home care, to lighten your load? Is he laughing at you, too?

The truth is my siblings are quite happy to dump caring for a 92 year old father who has Parkinson's all on me. Or as one sibling said, "we have busy lives'. If i die or am unable to care for Dad they will place him in a nursing home so fast it will make your head spin. But Dad will have the last laugh. He will use his fortune to have 24 hour caregivers in his home. As he is fully competent he will have the last laugh.

Out of town children and their spouse sometimes complain about the care of the parent but do little to participate in their care. When they come around they complain but do nothing to help. When children come in town spouse talk down to siblings that care for parent, and try to go behind sibling back and talk to parent doctors and suggest Hospice without anyone knowing. But their parent has serious illness also, but no HOSPICE care for their parent. They overstepped !!!! So sometimes out of town siblings only have opinion through spouse

This was very helpful in giving me some insights into my sibling's not wanting to becme more involved and there have been resentments on both sides; I have tried to keep her in the loop and email or text or call when I get a moment but when i am home after working hours it is all I can do to deal with whatever issues come up for my parents; sometimes I walk in and immediately I have to drop everything and attend to whatever is going on. I feel the resentment and anxieties that sometimes I just cannot deal with the stress and the feelings. I have a good friend whom has had similar experiences and she gives me support and advice so I am not needing to pick up the phone and call my sister long-distance. I hate to bother her too because of her own life situation and just moving into her beautiful new home in Fla. I guess that I just have to start to let her know more about my feelings and see if I can get more support that way.