Hi Karen, (Bookworm)
I just read your story. Wow! Caring for two elderly bedridden parents. Geesh! Hang in there.
My Mother -inlaw, who lived with me for 17 years, the last 3 she had Altzheimers. I loved her and she was a sweetheart, but I do know what your going thru. Sometimes she was wondering the Street in the middle of the night and the Police brought her home. I really, really understand what you are going thru. As much as it pained me, I had to ultimately put my Mother inlaw in a Nursing Home. She was my best friend for so many years, but eventually she did not know who I was. She lasted only 6 months in the Nursing home and to be quit honest we were relieved, because she was long gone. When people have Altzheimers it's along Goodbye.
By the way, my Mother hated my Mother inlaw, she thought she was a mouse and had no opinion. My Mother inlaw was a Teacher and she was kind to me and that is why once she became a Widow, she came to live with me. Her kind and sweet disposition helped me thru out my life. But all the good ones left me and now I'm stuck with the mean spirited one. That's Life!
Hugs

Thank you Bookworm. I liked your last comment, "7 more days to go and you will be Free" I'm counting.
I had no clue what Narcissistic behavior was either, but yesterday I spend quit a bit online researching it. Mostly I think I was looking to see if I'm the only "Senior" out there who has a Mother from Hell. Well, I kind a knew that there had to be more people like me dealing with their elderly parents, but my situation was a little different because my mother did not get like this because of the aging process, she always was nasty and mean and I did not know that there is this cause, which stemed from her childhood. How much understanding should one have, even if the parent has a personality as such? Most people who know me and know her on a personal level wonder why I even talk to my mother, considering she has been a tirent since my childhood. I have no clue, why I keep coming back. I guess I keep hoping for the best. Mind you, over the years at times we did not speak for long period of time. She was punishing me. Giving me the silent treatment, as she is doing it now. You stated that you thought she was behaving in a hateful way towards me and this is not the first time I heard it, but what puzzles me is "Why?"
As a child she was brutal with me and later when I got married my ex-husband was my buffer, he knew my story, he always was present when she came over and made sure that she did not upset me. And yet she managed to sabatage many Holidays, Birthdays or other occassions by her verball condemnation. Each time making sure that no one was around to witness any kind of verbal abuse. Mind you my Father was wonderful to me. They Divorced a long time ago, but my Dad, always made sure he told me he loved me each day, even when I was married. I got along with him great. He has passed away 15 years ago. Let me say this, when the chips are down, then my mother is always there and is willing to move mountains for me, which is what's been so confusing and frustrating. Her love is a bag of mixture. After I read about Narcisstic behavior yesterday, I now understand her behavior. I think she strives when I'm down, then she comes to the rescue, but when I'm doing great she somehow turns into a beast. I can't do anything right and she constantly pushes my buttons, which I keep in check and will not allow her to get to me. I think because I'm calm and not willing to join her in a battle, she get's super angry and lashes out. I want to keep my mouth shut because I don't want to say anything for her to use against me. I'm acutally a straight shooter and I can say what I think easily, but I'm containing myself for I know I can really hurt her by unleashing all the bad stuff she has been doing. You see, Narissistic people hate to be critisized. They also have 2 faces.
Thank you again for your input and I will get something Red to look at. By the way i I'm going on Lunch to my Apartment, let's see what the day brings with Mommy Dearest.

Hi Midwest. I'm absolutely not familiar at all with narcissistic parents. It's one of my to-do list. First of all, your mother is very ..hateful..towards you. After spending 2 months with her, why would you offer her your home? If you think the situation is bad now, it will definitely be worse if she decides to accept your offer. There are all kinds of alternatives - but she would have to be willing...Assisted living or the senior community housing, etc...If she has no desire to leave her own home, then perhaps you can visit her there and meet her friends. Maybe one of them will be willng to give you "updates" on your mother's status. Hopefully, someone here will be able to give you practical advice. All I can say is, from what I've read throughout this site on different discussions, you do Not want your narcissistic parent to be living with you!!! ....How do you survive the following week? You have lasted 2 months. Think of it as when you were a child and was counting down xmas day. You have 7 days to go. Write somewhere reminders and post it on the mirror, the bathroom, fridge, postive encouragements like: I AM Strong. .. Just something... when I started my job, I hated it. I cut out cartoon funnies and would put one up on my desk. Every time I looked at it, I smiled. When that got stale, I put another cartoon. When those were no longer working, I read that bright red flowers are calming. I went and got a fake red flower. That worked for a while. Remember, 7 more days to go and you will be Free!!! HUGS!

I'm sitting in my Bedroom for the last 6 hours, reading on the computer all about Narcissistic Parents. My Mother came from Chicago to California to visit me 2 months ago. She is 85 years old. Today is her Birthday. She made it a point to take away any joy we could have had today. Last night I was getting ready to go and see a friend of mine for her Birthday and when she saw me getting dressed, she flipped out and began her barrage of insults. She literally had a temper tantrum. Mind you I asked her earlier in the day what she would like to do for her Birthday and I suggested we go out for dinner for Ribs. She was in agreement and was set to go on her Birthday which was today. My mother always was a ti-rent. Since I was a child she was abusive. Verbal and physical. I'm 63 years old and have a high position which I deal with over 250 people. I'm respected in my field and sometimes I have to wonder how I got thru that abuse. I'm nothing like my Mother and yet I have a soft spot for her and I pity her. But this visit has taken a toll on me. I should have not agreed on her visit. The last time I was in Chicago to visit my family, she spewed her venom, by making a statement as I was standing in the doorway, "You don't know how much I hate you." I rarely react to her nastiness, I simply say "Mom, I love you but that was a mean thing to say" I try to be calm, otherwise I will get ill. I have taken an approach that I will not react to her tantrums and bad language. Last night was a dozy, she compared me to my father, ( I call that dirty fighting and she will use anything that reminds her of my father in a negative way) told me she wished she never gave birth to me. Called me names and was so incensed that I had the nerve to go out the night before her Birthday. How dare I enjoy myself. Mind you, ever since she got here I have been home continually. I said to my mother to calm down and that I was going to my friends Birthday. She snarled and said "I hope you choke on the food" She could not understand why I was not taking her with. I explained to her earlier, that it was meant for a few girlfriends and she would not be comfortable. And besides I was invited only. As it was she would have been totally out of place and made my evening hellish. She does not know anyone other then my girlfriend, who she met for the first time a few days prior. Despite my mothers tantrum I went anyway. I will not allow her to manipulate me. When I returned around midnight, I wanted to check on her in her bedroom, as I opened the door I could see and feel she stacked her luggage and other items in front of the door so that I could not get in. There are no locks. My mother jumps up from the bed and hobbles to the door, to keep me out. This is one of many antics I have been subjected to and I wanted to share my experience with all of you. My mother will return to Chicago in a week. During the on going drama last night, she threaten me, that once she gets back to Chicago there will be changes. Being that I'm an only child all the burden is on me and the only thing I can assume she will try to do is bad mouth me as I have overheard her on the phone with some of her acquaintances and here is the big one, the property she owns, she might see to it that I don't inherit a penny and quit honestly, I never counted on her money anyways, because I have my own property and I make my own money. Today I got an eye opener regarding Narcissistic behavior and I want to kick myself because I did not see it earlier. I always thought she was a mean and nasty person because she had a hard life, but today I'm putting a name to her personality. By the way, I have not lived with my mother under one roof since I was 23 years old and seeing her interact with others I noticed she is down right mean and rude to almost anyone that crosses her path. She has something negative to say about anything or anyone. She is a racist as well. Has no empathy for no one.
I went in to my Bedroom because I have privacy and she hates it when she sees me on the Computer or I'm watching TV. Nothing pleases this woman. How sad and what a waste of energy. I was hoping that her visit might give us a chance to be together and perhaps mend our previous ugly moments. After all my thoughts were, she is 85 years old and I did not want to have regrets. When she decided to come and visit me, she said on the phone that all she wanted is to be with me for the Holidays and our Birthdays. And as long as someone came home at night she would be fine. She complained on the phone she was alone and nobody was around. She cried and made me feel guilty that I was so far. I have a job and Im not at the retiring stage yet. So I said to her in our conversations, that if she was all alone she could be at my place and I would be home always at nighttime. When I reminded her of our conversation, she looked at me as if I was from Mars.
How will I survive the next following week? Any suggestions?

Oh, Maciesmom, I know your pain! MIL has been with us a little over 3 months. Longest 3 months of my life! She is NEVER happy. She has alwats been the most negative person I have ever met. She did not want us to put up a tree, and was pissy the entire weekend becayse we did. She wants us to be home all the time, and not go anywhere. I think my husband is at the end of his rope. So, I have detached somewhat emotionally. It helps me not get upset. Aso, I have accepted she is never happy, so I don't worry whether or not I am doing something that might upset her. What issues did you have with AL? Honestly, for the sake of everyone's sanity, we need to get MIL her own place. AL seems like best option, but I am sure that will not be smooth sailing. Ugh. I cannot understand how such a bitter, negative person is the mother of my husband, who is infinitely patient and kind.

I am caring for my 84 year old mother-in-law, who constantly complains from the moment she wakes up until my husband gets home in the afternoon. (She says she knows he doesnt want to hear it) She is constantly pushing my buttons,, i.e., asking for something and when I get it for her she says she doesnt want it, its always too cold or too hot in the house, the food I give her makes her sick.. It has only been alittle over a month of her living with us, and my nerves are SHOT. I leave the house and she calls me begging me to come home, saying she is soo sick, I get home, and she isnt sick anymore. She is in too good of shape for a nursing home, and assisted living didnt work for us either. I dont know what to do to keep my sanity, and to keep from blowing up at her...

Ahhh, beckieb, sounds like you are doing the right thing. By fightng do you mean verbal exchange over the issue? You might consider keeping it to one clear statement about what is or is not going to happen, and then let her go on, and complain. You could walk away to show her that you don't want to listen and aren't going to give in. It takes two to fight. Generally when mother gets "difficult" I just listen, and say little, or make reflective statements like. "I can see that that makes you angry", or "I do understand that you want it done that way," or just "I hear you, " and if anything repeat your original statement. but don't budge from your position, and don't get sucked into an argument Yes, she will get mad, but that is her problem. When my mum gets miserable I often leave. Maybe you have to resign yourself to the fact that she will argue about these things, and practice some detachment - emotional distancing. It really helps. You can't change her, you can only change you. I wish my mum was easier to get along with too, but she isn't, so I have to accept it , and deal with her and my feelings about it. (((((((hugs))))))))) I know it isn't easy,

Think you Joan andCrystal and others that have given me some very good advice. Your advice is what I have been doing when she tries to get me to do things I know she can do or the caregiver can do.I just don't like fighting with Mom. She has always gotton her way with my Dad and also her parents and this is new to her, not getting her way!
Beckie

Hi beckieb - set boundaries as to what you want to, or will do or not do, or can do or not do, and let her know calmly. My mum would like me to be her "go to for everything" person too, but I can't do it. She gets mad, but she gets over it. Your job is not to do everything, but to see that your mum's needs are met, but not to do everything yourself. As someone said - to see that she is warm, safe and fed. You need to maintain your own life, your job, and also have "you" time, or you will get burnt out pretty quickly.
Kritini - you took charge of the addiction that was controlling you, now you need to take charge of your life, and take that control back from your mom, She can only control u as much as u let her. She wil get mad, but she will get over it. She can tell you what she likes, but you can do what you like - e,g put out the garbage when it works for you. If she doesn't like, it be assertive, and tell her that it is your job now, and you will do it when you can. She is striving to keep control of some things as she is very ill, and her life is slipping away. Do arrange a breaks for yourself, and a life away from her. You need that. Again she won't like it, but she cannot stop you. Let the guilt go. People manipulate others through FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. Don't let any of those drive your behaviour. Love yourself well enough to look after your own needs, and not be controlled by mum. She is fortunate to have you. I may be wrong, but I suspect she has been controlling most of her life, and is worse now. You certainly don't owe her your sobriety, and if you are thinking that way, it is time to make some changes.
maryclare - I think austin made a good suggestion -how heartbreaking.
everyone - let us know how it is going,
(((((((hugs))))))) Joan

@beckieb My only suggestion is to tell mother that this is the way it will be and none of the I don't want others to do it will not work. It is either that or you have to have a Plan B. We can not as caregivers do EVERYTHING! You have a job to do and yes that is a demanding job taking care of kindergartens. I will pray for you to get to talk to your mother and explain to her how difficult it is and how much you love her but you NEED that caregiver help in the home or else there will have to be different arrangements. I am going through that too and I know one thing when burnout comes there is no alternative then to speak up and out less we need caretakers ourselves. I hope I don't sound too harsh here. Hugs to you and Mom.

My mom has decided that I am the one to take on everything she feels she can not do. I shop for her and handle the banking for her. I am still working in a very demanding job,Kindergarten teacher, and I just can't do a lot for her. We have a caregiver that will do more,but my mom does not want that. Any suggestions.

oh no Kritini, dont go for a bad choice escape!!! My parents are 83 and 86, and as their bodies deteriorate and their minds. They have both become more controlling. I think that it is very common. They cant control what is happening to their bodies anymore and as they lose control of their own lives and independence. they try to take control of anything they can!!! My dad has also become very rude, especially to my mother and those of us who are the closest to him. I know it drives you nuts sometimes, and you deifinately need to take a break before you emotionally bankrupt yourself. Just know that you are not alone!! I just found this site a week ago, but i have read some great posts that made me feel like i wasnt alone and that agave me ideas of how better to manage or just enough support to get me through a particular bad day! Hang in there and educate yourself as much as possible about caring for and reacting to the elderly.

I love my mom dearly. She is 75 and always been there for me. She is now immobile, on oxygen and in end stages copd. I get so frustrated that she is bossy and picky. I am not allowed to think for myself. I can't even dump her garbage until told to do so. She must tell me every move to make. This control extends to my family where she must know everything that's going on with my kids ect... Everyone else (my siblings) avoids her. She has latched on to me and makes me feel guilty for wanting a break or having a life away from her. I am in drug recovery 6 yrs now but can't help thinking how nice an "escape" would be once in awhile.

You might report the abusing to APS-if you fear for her safety but she has to want the abuse to stop -if she blows it off there may not be anything you can do-if she does not accept help from outside.

I would like to know if anyone of you is dealing with an aging parent being abuse to their spouse. My parents live across the street from me and my father is 86 and my mother 83. My father is becoming more and more negative, confused, and not making good decisions, but m y m ain concern is the emotional abuse he is putting on my mother and what I can do about it. T hey have been married for 47 years and it kills me to watch what is happening.

It is helpful to know I am not the only one dealing with this issue. My father died 2 years ago & I as the only child have given up social life, time with my husband & grown children, housework & my exercise program to care for my mother. I have spent an average of 12-15 hours a week at my mother's home helping with paperwork, garden, listening to her patiently, grocery shopping, etc & spent many lunch hours (I work 9-5) on the phone for her affairs or rujnning errands for her at lunch or after work. She says I don't give her proper respect & care & has now told the caregiver that she is "not allowed" to talk to me (never mind I have POA for property and medical.) She has always been difficult & demanding & has now isolated herself (a concern of the caregiver) & pushed away/criticizes my husband & children, now me. I am at my wit's end to know what to do.

My mother is 77 and has moved in with my family. I am a single parent of 3 children aged 7 - 16. My mother is driving all of us absolutely nuts. My older siblings call her several times a week to check on her, but they rarely speak to me about the true status of her well-being and mine. There are sibling issues as my mother has always favored my brother and has always treated my sister and I as burdens. I believe that his is due to her family history where the females were often prey to rape and incest. It is a shocking and disturbing history from the early 20th century, but it was something that I was never familiar with until I heard her history and her mother's history.
I am the youngest of three children and I am also the only one with young children to raise, as my siblings are now in their late 50's and I am 41.
I no longer have my friends visit as my mother is rude to them and it is too stressful. My children cannot have friends at the house because my mother is rude to their friends as well. One evening I actually had a date, but I had to return home by 10 p.m. as my mother was waiting up on the couch with my 7 yr old daughter asleep on the other couch. I had at least 3 calls on my cell from my kids complaining about my mother. My mother is obsessed with my 7 yr old being touched inappropriately by boys. My daughter is only 7 and now thinks that my mother is crazy now that I have been forced to explain why my mother is worried about her safety around boys, ( I did this on such an elementary level because I didn't want to scare my child or give more details than necessary )
My mother loves to drink wine and God help us after a few glasses because then she starts to tell stories of her family from rural Georgia that make my stomach turn. I have tried to talk with her privately about my concerns and I have tried to reassure her that I love my kids and I am protective, but that she is crossing boundaries and behaving inappropriately. She even talks with my daughter behind my back in regards to my parenting.
This is totally unacceptable at this point. I do not think that I have ever met a woman like my mother that is willing to sacrifice all of her relationships and family support just to be right. I asked her tonight if she ever considered how her strife to maintain my child's innocence would be compromised on sharing information so frightening and disturbing from her childhood. I told her that it was equal to making my daughter watch repeated news on children that were victims to these type of crimes.
I have decided to contact my siblings tomorrow and discuss the situation. I hope that they will assist me in this issue, but if they don't, I will contact my local support in mental health.
I love my mother, but I never understood her. God bless you all.

Aging parents are hard to deal with especially if they were hard to deal with when they were young parents. I hope to take the "high road" and deal with them "respectfully". Thanks for the insights and recourses.
My children are watching and I hope to set a good example. It is so hard when elders are not nice.

heart2heart, any way you can get your brother to take her on 'vacation' to his house for a few days or a week? my sister FINALLY ( and let me tell you, this took TONS of begging them both) took my dad to her house for almost a week and it was gloriou! i mean, yeah, i was really sick, ( im waiting cancer surgery) but hes been real easy to get along with since hes been back. i guess he figured out im not so bad after all. im a person that must have a clean, bug free house, sick or not, i will clean it, but m sister apperently is a total slob, he wasnt wild about that . she also didnt have his favorite westerns on tv for him to watch, he definatly found out the grass is sooooo not greener someplace else!!
tell them that you won a free airfare or something, get her a ticket, round trip ( you cant just dump her off, that aint right) to the same ciy he lives.. ( buy a ticket yourself, FIND the money, trust me, ) and talk it up so she goes.. about 4-5 days is usually something folks will agree too, tell her its a great thing for her to travel while she can, needs to see grandkids, blah blah, make up whatever, tell her great casinos there, but hopefully if she goes, you get a much needed break, and if she likes it better there, then your free!!
worked for me, good luck....

Having the worst last few days, with Christmas eve tomorrow... I am absolutely going insane, as my mother talks to her 'perfect' son behind my back, and he hasn't done a THING to help or make my life easier.... He lives in Calgary... and, I'm glad he does... I've never felt so much hatred from my brother's family and my mother does NOTHING to defend or support me... All this after just about giving up my life to help her for the past 8 yrs!... SHE LIVES WITH ME!... My 'milestone' birthday in October was ruined and now my Christmas and New Year will be also... And, nice ... yesterday I called my mother a selfish bit#$%%@^!... In all honesty, I have toted her around all over the place with 'gambling' being the love of her life... (even above me)... This is all really making me sick... Caregiving... don't recommend it for anyone... because, there's really no one out there that gives a crap... especially, the one being cared for or your siblings. (so much for being a christian) My mother is a control 'freak'... it's her way or now way... I can't even do ANYTHING in my own house, especially in my kitchen!

Well I understand how u all feel. My mother is 80 and a alcoholic well she stays with me I control her drinking but I feel the sam as many of u. I love her to death but feel like i am going to go nuts. She lives in New York and visits me stays for 5month then she goes but to her home calls and complains about everyone that is living with her like my niece starts to drink doesn't eat if the food isn't prepared the I bring her to my home where all she says I want leave soon. I know the only reason is because she doesnt have the freedom to drink like she would. well I least I dont feel alone. I hope I dont do this to my son .

Thank you for the advice,sebring. I think I am going to try to do just that.

if your afraid of him, have the state deal with him, dont subject yourself to abuse! put in a care facility, then file a restraining order

My 84 yr. old father was a mean man when he was young. He beat my mother and cheated on her several times. I also believe he molested my older half sister, and only God knows some of the other stuff he's done. I moved across the street from him and my sweet mother many years ago when she was alive to help her and spend as much time with her as I could, She is passed now and for the passed 12 years my family and I have been trying to manage my father. He has physically attacked my husband, been verbally abusive to both of us and has lied so much , that I think he believes the lies he tells. He only wants us to take him to the doctor when he is between girlfriends and pay his bills after he has gambled his money away. I am so tired of this and I am at my wit's end. We can't move, because everything we have is tied up in our property and both my husband and I are no spring chickens ourselves. We are afraid to try to get him to go to an assisted living for fear of retaliation from him. Is there some agency that we can contact anonymously to get him psychologically evaluated?? PLEASE HELP US!!!

Thanks 195austin. I'll excuse myself temporarily rather than feed the beast & see if the demon subsides. I also have to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve (distance myself emotionally). IE: Cover the buttons so they aren't so easy to push. She is a pro after all & very good at it.

Godhelpus You should not be abused at all but you said you will not allow it byond what you can bear so if it is all right with you you say limit the times a day you can put up with it once twice three times but you need to limit these times I think more than once a day would be my limit-if you keep allowing it she will feel you do not deserve any better-you are good for putting up with it.

Also new to the site & thank God for it.
I've been my Mother's personal servant for over 11 yrs. now & thought I was alone in service to a psychotic. "The parent that can't be pleased"! Talk about hitting the nail on the head!!!! I'd just accepted that the record was stuck and somehow she got the idea she is royalty! The Doctors told me there is no sign of Dementia, so I assume she just wants to "take me out with her". The woman that calls herself my mother has become everything I find repulsive as a Christian, but I am to honor her according to God's command. Quite a dillema.
I soooooooo appreciate all you are doing. I intend to set boundaries and I will not allow the abuse to continue beyond what I can bear.
If it weren't for God's love in me and flowing through me I would have walked away long ago.
Thank you Carol BB & all God's good blessings to you.

hello germancookie,
You have to remember, if you moved in with her in her house, she has a certain way things are done, don't try to change that. You should sit and observe what she CAN'T do anymore, and tell her if she needs help doing it, you are more than happy to help her. You have to remember she is the same person inside that old physique, only getting to the point she can't do what she could do before. And that is making her mad. Be patient and loving, if you need to go outside and tatke a breath of fresh air, do it. It is better to take a break than to lose your temper.

I am new to this site. I moved in with my 86 yr. old mother 3 wks ago to care for her needs. I am surprised at how controlling she is becoming. She can be hateful at times when things don't go her way. She has a different face for other care givers and neighbors. I am just trying to sort out each day and figure out our next move... taking the car keys away.. any suggestions??

naheaton..thank you for that...sometimes it is hard to keep a perspective. I do believe that everyone has their own hell...and even that has it's degrees...so I have heard. Thank you again for your kind words.