Good luck talking to you parent like an adult. I appreciate this article but it assumes you can talk to a parent reasonably I hope many people can!

I relate all too well to all of this. However, I have added the added complication that one of my two sisters is also an extreme hoarder. Indeed not only is her home full, but she still has stuff at my mother’s house. I have known for decades that WWIII is on the horizon when we have to deal with the decades of filth and clutter. When I have tried to matter of factly address the pending situation, my sister responds by saying something like “All you want to do is throw out nana’s cookie tins.” Well, damn straight as they are rusted shut and dangerous.

Do you have a group of friends? Could you have an "estate sale" to raise $ for cleaning & repairs? A friend of mine rented a community hall for a week - had friends and family swoop in and take anything sellable and had a tag sale. They spent a little $ advertising and it was a success.

Have that issue with my mother, but what if we can't afford the cleaning and repairs? I have tried for a year to find some type of assistance, to no avail.

Darlingthere: I think you are an insensitive being of the highest degree. Children of hoarders are living in a h*ll I hope you never have to experience. This h*ll doesn't go away. It is humiliating and will suck the life right out of you if you let it. My parents hoarding has hung over me my entire life and still does. It is time and life consuming as it is left to us to clean it up. We do an immense service to society in doing so. How dare you!

Oh come on ,the sibling just want daddys home..Give me a break...

Mom moved out of the house 15 years before my Dad passed. Neither of them bothered to tell me Dad was ill until it was too late. I had dreaded the thought of cleaning that mess my entire life. When my husband and I tried to intervene and clean up my Dad mocked us and told my husband it was "woman's work" as my husband cleaned his filthy bathroom. My Father fought me any time I tried to remove anything. "I have plans for that." & "This is my legacy." We eventually came to the conclusion that the dust bunnies killed him.
It took three years & 8 gallons of bleach, knee deep in dust bunnies and mouse poop to clean the house well enough for mom to sell it and not to have the house condemned. This was only the beginning of the nightmare as mom is/was a hoarder also. We had to do the same with her apartment although on a smaller scale.
This is a horrible thing to do to one's children. I understand this is a sickness but if I had to do it over again would realize it is not worth risking my health also. My parent's hoarding has eaten up a huge chunk of my & my husband's life. I am no minimalist but there is a limit and the authorities need to be involved when it threatens an individual's health. This situation has also compromised my ability to care for my parents as I have been kept busy sorting out and disposing of this mess for 16 years now. My mother's idea of a filing system was to throw ALL mail into grocery bags & into the closet for over 50 years! Important documents were mixed with junk mail and all camouflaged together so everything has to be examined.
If you are a child of a hoarder I would advise getting started as soon as possible before it gets any worse. It Will get worse if you allow it.

Yes, sometimes we just have to step back. We worry but they make their choices and have that right. It's got to be hard to see your parents live in a way that is less than they could have had if they'd thought ahead, yet you have no choice now but to just see how it goes. There will be a time when you'll need to help them make changes. Please keep us updated on how this plays out. You're helping a lot of people just by giving us a play by play.
Carol

Good article.... but the part about adding onto the house may sound great until you find out it would take an act of Congress to get a zoning variance that may or maybe be approved, and then the cost... in my area, to add a bedroom and full bath addition on my home would cost between $75k -$100k, and take four months to complete. Let me check my piggy bank.... nope.

My parents current residence is not elder proof, way too many stairs. Dad has a hard time just going from the garage into the house because of the high step. The half bath doesn't have enough room to move around using a walker. And their bathroom has a regular tub. Of course, they won't spend any money to update to make it more compatible, even though they could afford to remodel.

It took me 5 years to finally learn it was their choices to do the things they want, and that they have to deal with the negative side of their choices. But it still worries me sick.

That is exactly what I am dealing with. I don't know what to do!

if anyone thought deep purple disbanded years ago, your mistaken. if you look on you tube for deep purple / wacken fest youll find the old guys doing a great old tune " into the FIRE " . so you see where this is going. fire up the old woodstove and make one piece of crap at a time vanish into the FIRE.
great tune too..

My parents were broke and living in a dilapidated trailer with no running water or heat. I was truly afraid my beloved mother would die in these conditions, so took out a second mortgage on my own house to get funds to build them a decent place. My husband and I then spent 3 months building a nice house for them, and let them live there, rent and house payment free.

My mother enjoyed her new house for a few years, but died unexpectedly earlier this year. Now my dad is in the house, with many dogs, drinking, basically destroying it. I've told him we need to find a smaller place he can live in, closer to town. The twist is that my husband and I own it.

I need to get him out of this house before it's completely ruined and sell it, but he continues to resist. APS would probably consider him competent, even though he is going downhill fast. Ideas?

I'm facing the problem that my parents (both in there 70's) live in a very cluttered old country house. Though my parents have been wanting to move to town for years, there is always an excuse as to why they can't (mortgage needs to be paid, we need to clean house before we sell it, what to do with the dog, etc.). It costs a fortune to heat the house in the winter and there are so many repairs needing to be made that they can't fix. We've tried cleaning up the house but it's very difficult. My dad doesn't know how to clean up after himself (he was a bachelor up until his 40's, just drops his clothes, lottery tickets, etc. everywhere) and my mom is due for another hip replacement later this month. She still works (though it has decreased dramatically in the past couple of years), but due to other recent surgeries and heart problems she can't do much around the house. I am an only child but I've been living in town the last few years, going to college and facing extended unemployment. I've tried cleaning up the house for them whenever I visit (and for years before that) but my mom has so many "sentimental items" that she gets mad at me if I try getting rid of any of the clutter (yet they complain about the clutter all of the time), even if she hasn't worn, used or looked at it in over ten years. If I mention the clutter or ways to try to improve it at all my mom immediately snaps at me. I am at a loss for what to do. The other problem is with my extended unemployment I am almost broke and will have to move back in again. I'll have to be here more after my mom's surgery anyways, but everytime I move back there I get extremely depressed and nothing I do to clean this house seems to last very long without my mom getting mad at me.

This isn't uncommon, but it's a problem, none the less. I hope you put the money in his account. The problem with cashing the check and using the money for his needs is it's hard to prove it went for his needs. Did you keep receipts? It feels awful, I know, to have to prove yourself innocent when you've given so much. However, with people like your Grandfather, it's best to be self protective.
If you really need legal help, you should see an elder law attorney and explain the situation. Best of luck to you,
Carol

Hi, I have been taking care of my grandfather for 16 years now, not 24 hours a day, but, with daily living, shopping, meds, bills ect... Well, grampa is a drinker, he has been since he was 14 years old. Now, adult protective took him and placed him in assisted living, and have slandered, and accused me of being a dirtbag, in so many words. I was his fiduciary for the VA money, for 2 months, then I resigned. His checks came for another 2 months, and I cashed them for him, (I am also his POA) so, now I am in trouble because.... I don't know. Please help, feel very confused at this point. I never did anything to harm a hair. I have always been the one to fight for him, hired him attorneys, fought evictions for him. (he always paid his rent) He is a drunk though..

NAUSEATED / MIA MADRE:

This is one of those darned if you do and darned if you don't situations. To succeed at this mammoth task, we pretend to be a hybrid between a masochist and a tyrant lest we be manipulated by individuals who might not be aware they've given up on everything.

Mustering the courage, passion, and compassion to go through this type of intervention is borderline superhuman. If your love for the individual is strong enough, you'll see it through. There's no doubt your mettle will be tested, but in the end something within you will definitely be sacrificed. If your efforts bear fruit, you'll feel rewarded and make up for your loss.

Well dear family, I bid you farewell for now. Have to go to the gym in search of enough endorphins to get me through the day.

-- ED

Years ago, I could see that Mom could not manage that big house she was living in. It took a fracture for her to see how challenging it was to navigate in that home she loved. I had to contact a caregiver organization to help get a wheel chair down her outside stairs so I could get her to a doctor. From that moment on I had many calm conversations with her about selling the house and finding a more suitable place to live. I reminded her that the house is a "thing" and that she could take all those family memories with her. Once it became her idea, everything happened fast. I helped her find a realtor, had a yard sale for her, and helped her move to a senior apartment.
Looking back, it was the best decision she could have made. Because she had already "transitioned" and downsized to an apartment, she felt more free and mobile. And when the day comes, it will be eaisier to make an ALF her home.
So my advice to caregivers is to look ahead. If you are seeing that a home may eventually become a prison to your parents, talk to them NOW about the joys of "non-homeownership." Keep up the dialogue and, when the time is right, help them move toward more freedom.

I was told that Adult Protective Services really did have any power if the senior refuses help? Our elder appears competent but is not making good decisions - home clutter & cleanliness are bad, unpaid bills, driving without a license, etc. Can APS force the issue?

Thank you for publishing this article. Obviously your concerns are valid however I ask that you consider an alternative that can solve most of the reasonably functional senior citizen. I specialize in home modifications for the mobility challenged. Most want to call this universal design for the aging in place concept. More specifically I spend the majority of my accessible bathroom and ramp time sculpting the floor in such a way that is mechanically inviting to the human element. As a matter of awareness please visit my before and after pictures of just a few of my bathrooms and ramps. You'll see a recurring theme with these 20 bathrooms. It's about creating real flooring of concrete, tile, and wood and not plastic. The floor is my domain. The floor is where we as human beings interact with our environment and when our abilities less and we need our environments to be more user-friendly to match that reduced ability.

There are no easy answers. My mother is extremely opposed to any kind of "help." She becomes abusive and will not budge on anything. She has even thrown me out of her house. She is living alone, unsafely, in a cluttered, ill repaired, filthy house.
She wants to be left alone, and is sorry she ever had children. The difficult part is the fact that they are not children, even though they act like it. When something does happen, and she falls, or becomes ill, my brother and I as next of kin, are forced to step in, and we are treated like we are uncaring monsters that "abandoned" their poor aging parent. Far from the truth! We only want what is best for mother. We want her safe and comfortable around people her own age. Mom has the financial means, but acts as if she is ready for the poorhouse. So what can we do?

Good article, hey i need all the help i can get since i',m an only child starting on the road of taking care of both my parents who are in their mid 80's

I'm glad you enjoyed it. I think it's too easy to "take over" with our elders, if we don't watch ourselves. There are times when we have no choice, but as much as possible, I think they should be able to make decisions, even if we disagree. They are adults.

Take care,
Carol

I really appreciate the spirit of this article, working WITH your aging parent, and not IN SPITE OF him or her. Even if a child has a power of attorney, it does not give them the right to "force" their parent out of their home and we must look at ways to encourage, support and guide our parents to make the safest decision. As the author states, involving the physician is always a good thing! Thanks for this.
Stephanie

You're welcome : )

You are not alone. I know it feels awful to report your mom to Social Services, but sometimes that's all you can do. I'm surprised the nurse doesn't feel compelled to do the same. Your mom is ill and she doesn't know it. She won't let you help, so it's right to have Social Services make the decision.

Take care,
Carol

Thank you. That is very much like the situation with my mother in law. I have recently thought about contacting social services about the safety issues in her home. She has a two BR home that is so packed that she must sleep in a recliner (yes even the couch is packed to the top of the windows.) you cannot walk through the house without stepping over or knocking over something. She has three four feet high piles of newspapers for her dog that died two years ago and five of everything, freaks out if she gets down to four. her house stinks because she doesn't make it to the batroom in time. She won't tell her Dr. and when I tried to, I'm not allowed to go with her to Dr.'s appointments anymore. She has a nurse that is coming in twice a day for the MRSA infection. I hoped they might make a report, but no. I've tried to discuss moving or cleaning and get yelled at every time. I felt bad about even thinking about calling social services, but reading this article helps me feel better about that,
Thank you!

You did exactly the right things by following up and checking the quality of the homes. I'm so happy you found one whose staff know what they are doing. Keeping on top of her care, as you know, is so important. I've heard people talk about how homes shut the family out of the care. No way should a family have to put up with that. I hope your mom can be reasonable content. That is hard during some stages of Alzheimer's, even with the best care. Good luck.
Carol

My mother started losing her memory last summer (and here and there earlier I suspect). Mom worked hard all her life and was determined to stay in her apartment forever.

Her family care doctor didn't really help make the decision to place her in a SAFER home and environment. We had to. It wasn't easy by any means, but in September '08, she had a small oven fire which brought me, the Fire Department and others to her aid. I took the opportunity to send her to the hospital for evaluation (told her they wanted to check her breathing). Prior to this she had started packing her belongs (clothes, food in the refrigerator, etc.) and stated that she was going home. But, she never went anywhere. From there, she was placed in a nursing home for further evaluation. They said she was an Alztheimers patient and needed long term care. This only began our trip down a very frustrating trip with nursing homes.

She was originally placed in a nursing home away from us. But, was eventually moved to a place closer. She wasn't an ideal patient because she was unhappy and anxious away from her home. Several of my brothers and my sister visited her regularly to make it easier on her. She finally settled down and was somewhat happy. We were able to take her out for lunch or breakfast any time and she enjoyed these times with us.

Unfortunately, my mother developed "Sundowners Syndrome" which changed her life. As the sun came down later in the day, she would become beligerent, interferring with staff and assaulting other patients. They would send her to the hospital for re-evaluation. This happened 2 or 3 times until the nursing home kicked her out. They were not able to handle the new her even with medications. Next, after visiting many nursing homes within our area, we found one that we liked and one that was not fazed by her Sundowners Syndrome actions. They have been wonderful to her and she appears very happy there. She was a CNA and continues think she is still helping the nurses and aides.

She was not completely settled until February of '09. As you can see, it took quite a while to come this far. We continue to visit regularly and can see she is happy there. It may take a long while (including working to get a Power of Attorney to allow us to make decisions for her), but it was well worth the effort.

/njb

What a great picture you paint, Naus! I'm smiling : )
Carol

Thank you dear Carol. This whole experience is definately one that I could write a book about, (this would make a great documentary on the subject of elder financial abuse, and how it can get out of control). I'm surprised my dear family and I are still together after all of this. So, if we can survive this, we can survive anything, and so too can others. There is still a very long legal road ahead, but I'm so glad dad is out of immediate danger now. He has made friends at the ALF, mostly women, it is sooo cute the way the women follow him in their walkers. He walks with a smile on his face now, lately, and loves the attention. I feel much closer to him, even though he is not living with me now, and can be the loving daughter once again. This is the rosy side, no telling what the future may bring, but for now, life is good. Blessings to all here.

Good for you, Naus!

I'm not pressing assisted living on people by saying this, and I know some aren't good, and yes, some people are better off in their own homes, but in a situation like Nauseated's, that was wise, kind and in the long run I'm sure Dad has a much better life. Not all elders make friends in AL, but many do. Some love it but won't admit it. And yes, some hate it. But assisted living, in a good center, can be a huge blessing - especially when it's close to you so you can keep an eye on things.

What you had to go though is more than most, Naus. But most caregivers can relate to bits of all of it. When dementia is at a point where the elder is a danger to himself, something has to be done. Social Service agencies have welfare checks for a reason. I'm glad you did all the right legal stuff, and I'm still exhausted just from reading about your trip! Hang in, Naus. You are a powerhouse for good.
Carol