Great advice, cmagnum, as usual. You've covered the bases well.
Carol

Suegirl, no grownup likes being told what to do.

Where does your brother live and how involved is he with all of this?

Who if anyone has durable and medical POA for your mother?

If you move your mother to CA, I would strongly recommend that you not take her into your home.

You can search this site and you'll see the stories of those who wish they had not taken that step.

Your own health and your marriage needs a boundary between ya'll and your mother that just living in a separate room in the house would not accomplish.

This is not going to be an easy balance to achieve and maybe your brother will help, but primarily your mother needs to be safe and cared for more than she needs to be "happy" because "happy" has to come from inside of her.

Plus, your health, plus your marriage should not be thrown under the bus in dealing with all of this which I have seen take place. I wish you the best in working through this mess.

Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing and how things are working out.

Not sure. I have to talk with Brother. Husband said he thinks I should come home. Calif. But I things would be better with her in Calif with us.my husband is wonderful with her. She's a very Critical Mother. And at 69 I don't like to be told what to do.

Suegirl, having read this article, what are your plans for your mom's care and for yourself since things sounds so very toxic for you two?

Helpful, I also made my Mother the same promise (never put her in a nursing home). I'm not a Caregiver. She is so resistant, and mean spirited. I was cleaning her shed, full of stinking clothes,cardboard and animal feces, cat pee. She had a fit. Looking through trash cans. I stopped her. She yelled at me she didn't want me to walk by her casket, whe she dies. I yelled back that's good because I'm not going to your Funeral. She's ill,I know. I'm just not very good at this.

I'm so glad that the article helped, susieq26. That's what we are here for.
Take care of yourself,
Carol

susieq26, with that powerful of guilt, you may well find a therapist helpful in getting freedom from it.

I so desperately needed to find this article. My Mom is 90 and has had a stroke that left her paralyzed on her right side. I have cared for her over the past 15 months. 24/7 no family help, no outside help. Not that I didn't ask for it, there just wasn't anyone willing to help.
Two weeks ago I placed Mom in a wonderful home environment, assisted living facility. There is not one day that I don't wake up with that same guilt that I thought I had cryed away the night before.
The last line" know when to say when" has helped me tremendously. Thank you for these articles, I will be reading and re-reading them as I work my way through this challenge.

So much depends on the quality of nursing homes in your community. When there are good homes with caring people, the increased safety for the parent and the fact that the caregiver can rest better and spend as much time with the parent as possible is a huge plus.

My mother-in-law gained a new lease on life when we got her a room in the nursing home within blocks of our home. She made friends, they got her playing the piano again - it was wondrous to see. Even though I spent a lot of time with her while she was in her condo and brought her what she needed, she was afraid to be alone and it affected her cognition. I had no way to take her to be with us (five elders needed care plus a child with chronic health issues), Not everyone adjusts that well, but many, once adjusted, do extremely well when they have the increased social contacts. Often, as has been mentioned, it's the family who struggles because of guilt. You are all doing your best. It's good to see you supporting each other.
Carol

It's easy to make a promise but it's hard to keep your word. Sometimes you have no choice but to break your promise just to give them the proper care they need. But this doesn't mean that you don't care about them or you don't love them. This is actually a sign that your parents mean a lot to you because you want them to receive high quality care from nursing homes or other long term care facilities. Make sure that you visit them regularly and to make them feel that they are still an important part of your family.

But there's one thing that really concerns me and it's the cost of long term care facilities. Aging in place is more affordable but sometimes this is not enough to satisfy your parents' needs. I'm still encouraging my parents to purchase long term care insurance since according to LTCOptions, this is an efficient way to pay for long term care expenses. The cost of care is soaring these days and I don't want my parents to suffer more in the future.

I made that promise as well. Its heartbreaking. I wanted to bring my father to live me but my husband doesn't like the idea even though I would be 100% responsible for my father. It breaks my heart that I am not in a position to take him in. There is a guilty feeling that comes over you when you have to place your parent in a home. We are the sandwich generation where we are caught between our own kids and our aging parents.

A month ago I put mother in a nursing home. It is ironic that she sailed through the change while my children and I are still adjusting! I have come to realize it is all about perception. Mother is over 100 and has dementia. Her needs appear to be sustenance, comfort, safety and interaction with people and family. My children and I, on the other hand, have a perception that nursing homes are to be avoided, that mother needs to have her privacy, her home environment, her home cooked food, etc.

I have felt a definite shift in responsibility from me to the staff at the home. So, that is a good shift that allows me more freedom. Emotionally, I have to work on changing my perception.

Thank you for your comment and information. I fear I could be closer than I want to be and want to make sure I do my homework in advance as this all falls on me despite being one of five children. This site and members has been such a tremendous help to me, especially during those times where I had no where else to turn.

First off all - no guilt. Your mother needs care and safety and you can't provide this 24/7 forever. It's tough to make this move and adjustment can bring out the guilt in a caregiver. However, keeping in mind your mother's needs, you'll know what needs to be done.

You don't need a doctor to sign off on when to go to a nursing home though it may help to have a doctor's opinion. Generally, there are a few medical things to do in order to not spread illness, but if she is going in private pay, you shouldn't need to do anything but decide on the nursing home and put her on the list if there are no openings, which is common with good facilities.

This is the time to start. Look at all of the homes in your community and try to find the one that seems to have the best staff. A beautiful facility is nice, but the staff is what (in my opinion) is important. Watch how the staff interact with one another and look for respect toward the residents.

Medicare has a site, called Nursing Home Compare, with information and ratings. This is a good tool, but there's one thing to remember. Many inspections are done by states and counties and not every state has as strict rules as others. Therefore, a facility that has had an issue with "cleanliness" in one state may be top notch by the standards in another. Still this is a starting place.

From there go to on site visits. The "tour" is nice but don't get drawn in by the talk. Look at residents and how they seem to be doing. Look at staff interaction. Ask about activities. Ask about family involvement and even resident councils. The more open they are the better.

Good luck! Please keep checking back. Many of us have had this experience. Sadly, some parts of the country have far better facilities than others. However, with diligence, we can hope that you'll find what you need.

Carol

Can someone point me in the right direction of what steps have to happen before someone can apply/be approved for a NH? I understand a doctor would need to sign off on the order. What else? I've found some great NH questions checklist, but what do I need to know before I even get to that stage? My mom has dementia and it is getting worse. She's now talking about running away. My dad is stressed out and has his own health problems too. I want to be prepared so I can keep her safe. Many thanks!

There comes a time for many of us where the care that we can provide isn't enough. One person can't do it all. For me, because of the fact that I had responsibility for several elders, a nursing home was the only option. We were fortunate to have one near my home and I visited every day for a significant amount of time (likely more than was needed). I don't regret the nursing home help at all. Not everyone was perfect, but I met some of the most remarkable people I'll ever meet and was grateful to have them help me with my loved ones. I took care of their little needs, but I was freed up from the nitty gritty care that can take over our lives and therefore was free to give more emotional support.

We are not giving up on our loved ones when we get help with their care. We are looking out for their safety. Everyone has different circumstances so we shouldn't judge each other or compare ourselves to someone who made different choices.

Unearned guilt will do us in if we let it. Listen to these wise people and give yourself a break.

You may want to read this article, as well: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/deal-with-alzheimers-disease-caregiver-stress-143253.htm

Faithfulness to see it all the way through to the end. This is a long haul.
You are entitled to your feelings - ALL of them, whenever they happen, however they happen. I think a lot of us suffer the guilt of feeling guilty. How's that for a puzzle!

If writing isn't your thing, then it really pays to find what is. For me, writing down what I'm experiencing in the moment helps me get through it. Some people need to paint or go on long walks, or scream into a pillow. You have to find something.

Know that you are doing the right and good thing by looking out for your mom's safety and wellbeing. Don't lose yours along the way. Check back in and let us know how it's going.

Daughter52 - It has helped me to deal with the changes and guilt to journal out what I'm feeling very, very specifically. Guilt is a trap. I say this a lot, but it's true - guilt is appropriate if you've done something illegal and immoral.

I challenge you to "unpack" what else you are feeling and just scribble it down on paper as fast as it comes to you. Fear, panic, regret, helplessness, isolation, loss of control, loss of possibility, sadness, ANGRY, etc.

Use a thesaurus if you need to. Write until you are exhausted. Even if it's repetitive. The first time I did this, I felt like an elephant was lifted off me.

Then applaud yourself for this:
You are COURAGEOUS to admit that you can do no more.
It takes DRIVE to make the necessary (undesired) changes.
It shows LOVE to safeguard your loved one.
FAITHFULNESS

I have been caring for my mother with dementia for 5 1/2 years now. It has been a very hard, long road downhill and I have absolutely reached my limit. I didn't want to put mom in a nursing home and am in the process of seeking out a decent one nearby. I hope (fingers crossed) that it can be worked out financially. I have had her in day care 3 days a week which is all that is available. That is costly too and it is not enough. I am hoping that we can make the best of it with visits and attention to her. All I know is I am done. Next is the guilt. I don't want to feel guilty but I can't even feel happiness about my own life watching her daily go downhill.

In response to sandwich42plus, I agree that our society does a poor job of preparing for old age. Reference a recent article by Ezekiel Emanuel in The Atlantic wherein he says he wants to die at 75. His premise is that medical science has made it possible for us to live longer but the quality of life has not improved...the end result is that we have merely lengthened the dying process. I agree with him.

I, too, have told my children that they must live their lives. I am on record that institutional care is okay with me.

I agree, aferrino. I don't want my children to give up their lives to care for me when I need assistance. While I wouldn't change what I've done in the past and am still doing as a caregiver, I have other thoughts when it comes to myself.

Take care of yourself. And don't be afraid of a nursing home for your mom. You and your sister can only do so much.
Carol

When my dad died six years ago, my sister was the only one who lived nearby. She promised mom that she would never make her leave her home that she shared with dad for 30 years. Mom is now 89 and I have moved back to help my sister care for her. We are both trying to live up to my sister's promise, but it is becoming more difficult by the day. I do not want my children to upend their lives in order to keep me in my home. I want them to do the best they can and if it means assisted living, then so be it.

inergystr - Other people are going to judge and I have to let that be their problem. The odd thing is that caregiving gives you a very thick skin. One would think that it would make a person really sensitive, but it's the opposite.

You have to do what you have to do and "d*mn the torpedos".

I guess if you have the energy and inclination, you can tell the kids that the facility has staff on duty 24/7/365, is purpose built, has a bat-phone to the EMS services/ambulance people, a social worker, a rehab area, PT, an activity director, nurses, cleaners, a commercial kitchen, military-grade laundry equipment, and whatever else your mom's facility has. Mine has doctors who come there versus me having to load her up and take her to the doctor.

There is no realistic way on earth you can be expected to reproduce this on any scale in your own home. Nobody is coming into your house to relieve you for the 2nd & 3rd shifts. And that's the end of the argument!

inergystr, Carol is absolutely correct in her response. I am very sorry that your children's lack of understanding is adding stress to your life. You are doing the best thing for their grandmother, even if they can't see that right now. You can be glad that they care about your mother and didn't just shrug and treat this change with indifference. I hope in time they will be able to be more supportive.

You're right that they aren't close enough to the situation to know what you've gone through. Also, they have an idealized idea of "caring for grandma." This is something that you have to detach from and try not to let it bother you.

I assume that you've explained that there are fewer falls now that she has closer supervision. Other than more care, this isn't likely all that different from assisted living.

Do they visit her? If they see that the nursing home is not like the old versions they may feel better too.

In the end, you are doing your very best and you've now made the best decision for her. That over-rides any idealized promises made when everyone was well. Know that you did and are still doing the right thing.

Please keep us informed about how you are doing.
Carol

I recently moved my mother into a nursing home despite having made the vow years ago to never put her in a nursing home. The negative connotation of "nursing home" runs throughout my family. So the problem now is that my children are having a more difficult time with the decision than I am. I think this is because I have lived with the situation close at hand and they have not. It is actually a relief to me that mother is in a place where she is safe and receiving adequate care. (When she was in assisted living, I grew accustomed to regular phone calls saying that mother had fallen again. Now she is monitored closely so that the chances of falling are minimized.)

The problem is that now I feel bad when my children come visit and offer suggestions about her care. It feels like they are judging me. I want to wear my martyr hat and lash out at them. But I know this isn't the right approach so I hold my anger in. Can someone tell me how to deal with these feelings?

I wonder if some have promised not to place a parent in a nursing home back when the parent was still quite mobile, had a sharp mind, was able to do everything around the house, still drive, etc..... and us never thinking about what would happen when that parent has serious age decline, or memory issues.

Not once had I ever promised one way or another regarding a nursing home for my parents, nor had I ever promised they would come and live with me, or vise versa. Never crossed my mind because at 87 and 91 my parents were still walking 2 miles a day for exercise, and Dad was still driving [Mom's of that generation where the husband did most of the driving].

I told my sig other, if anything happens to me, I WANT to be placed in assistant living or a nursing home. I didn't tell him but I would get much better care in such a facility as he's no Florence Nightingale or Marcus Welby :P

Great article !!!!It is a tough decision but not everyone can do it, especially if you are alone and have no back up. Our loved ones go through many stages of illness what we can handle today may be different in 5 or 10 years. Yes, it is hard to find the right place and it takes time and energy and money some charge up to $8,000 a month!. I have found Adult Care Homes to be far better to nursring homes.Check with your local senior center,church, social worker or online. I think they are much happier in a private home/ family enviroment with maybe 2-4 other patients and it is more personal care. Make sure you do your background checks on the owners/employees just as with everything else there are some people in it for the wrong resons. As suggested make unannounced visits.I have found this option much nicer, calmer and enjoyable plus financially you are not paying a large company for major profit and a constantly changing staff.Doctors, nurses, therapists even beauticians will all go directly to the home to see your loved one. Also folks remember to look into long term care insurance before it's too late. It will help you tremendously in the future.Good luck!

I guess I never painted a version of our lives where only I could take care of mom properly. Other people can do these jobs just as well, or better than I can and I need to let them.

Many people don't understand what they are taking on with caregiving and have made very inflexible rules about what will and won't happen. They've written a story in their minds about how it *has* to be and when reality is proving not to be on script, they end up in crisis. It's sad.

We do a very poor job as a society (in the US anyway) of preparing people for their old age. We have all kinds of prep for the retirement years, but nothing about that stage between active retirement and elderly decline. As if we are pretending it doesn't exist.

I am trying to prepare my kids now, by telling them that I want them to do whatever is necessary for my care and so they can live their lives. I don't expect them to drop everything and care for me when the time comes, and that is the only option. We'll be flexible and adjust our plan as things need to change.

I'm glad the article helped. When we share our stories we find that much of our caregiver guilt is misplaced. Tough decisions remain but with support from others who've walked this journey we can move forward with a little more peace.
Carol