I am a disabled veteran female with same problem.i am 63 and find it difficult to convince myself to bathe. Lack of motivation and not caring about myself. Don't know how to deal with this. I do take cat baths for months on end. I want to take a bath but feel so worn out to do so . Any suggestions.

A lot of times it's embarrassment that causes the problems. That peculiar emotion is expressed is so many ways, such as avoidance, anger, or even agitation to name a few. A personal care garment especially made for bathing can eliminate the dread of being naked in the presence of a caregiver. Plus, it gives the caregiver a sense of dignity as well, allowing a privacy barrier between the care giver and care receiver. My mom used one and didn't mind both my husband and I helping her in the shower.

My mother-in-law was a very modest person. She did better with hired in-home aides bathing her than family. The "medical" part of having this person come and do the work took out some of the humiliation she felt with family.

Everyone is different, but outside help is worth a try, even if it's just occasional. Do remember that they don't need a full shower or bath, daily, either. A sponge bath works well and then a full shower or bath when possible. It may not be ideal, but it's something.

Blessings to you all. We fight these seemingly small battles all the time. It's draining, but we move forward. Keep checking in.
Carol

I help with the elderly, the woman I work with is afraid of falling. I think you have to be more forceful and say, it is time to bathe, I will be standing by in case you need me.

My mom is exactly like the parent described in this article. She used to bathe once a week and put on clean clothes everyday. Since she has gotten I'll, she doesn't bathe or change clothes or even put her dentures in. It's very embarrassing because she smells bad and wears dirty clothes. It seems to be a very complex set of reasons like you are suggesting, not just one thing. She seems depressed, lacking energy, and I know it's at least partially a control issue. It's bad for her health as she has a terrible skin condition and itches and scratches constantly and makes bloody scabs everywhere. We recently asked the home health care nurse to send an aid to bathe her. Mom is very resistant to the whole thing. At times she refuses and that's embarrassing too. It helps a little to know that it is a somewhat common problem. I thought it was just our mom!

Wow. Didn't realize this was such a common problem with people who have dementia/Alzheimer's. Mom fell and broke her hip when she was in assisted living. She had surgery and then on to a nursing/rehab facility for three months. She can no longer live on her own (even in assisted living) so she now lives with us. When she was in the nursing home, they would call me to come over and get her to take a shower. She would always do it for me. Now that she is home with us, she is refusing and I don't know what to do. I've tried just about everything, but you cannot reason with an Alzheimer's patient and she just gets mad because she thinks I am treating her like a child. Sigh. It's been a week and a half since she let me help her with a shower. We installed a grab bar, it's a "walk in" shower, and there is a bench for her to sit down. I think I'll just try to give her a sponge bath in bed - maybe she'll be ok with that.

Thank-you for your advice. I will suggest the sterile wipes to the staff at the nursing home. My mom says that she bathes but the staff tell me otherwise. She doesn't even like them to clean her bedding. They took advantage last time I visited to grab the bedding for a cleaning while my mom was on the couch talking to me. I think my mom spends most of her day in bed. She can walk with a walker but chooses not to. She won't even leave her room. Its hard to see but I just need to adjust my way of looking at my mom I guess.

My 91 yr. old mother is in a nursing home. She has been there for 2 and 1/2 mths. The staff there could not be nicer. They are kind and loving but yet my mom refuses to let them bathe her. The last time I was there they said it is against their policy to force a resident to do anything against their will. My concern is that my mother nearly died of kidney failure and suffers from frequent urinary tract infections. If she does not clean herself properly I fear the consequences.

I don't have anything new to add. Just feels a bit comforting to know it's not only my Dad who struggles with changing clothes and showering each day. He really believes it when he tells you he took a shower this morning and that he showers daily. Changing clothes somehow seems related to a concern for doing laundry even though it is done for him.

UGH!!! Yesterdays excuse was the usual "I took one yesterday"!! No she didn't! It's a week! Then she started to act like she was sick and didn't get dressed until 3pm!! Without the shower!!

Today she knew I was going to say she needed to shower so I did of course and she is ignoring me and I KNOW she is waiting for me to leave the room so she can jump up and get dressed!!
I'm sitting here right NOW and she keeps trying not to look at me.
AAAARRRR!!!

what do you do when an old person (parent) wont wash,and theres a smell in the house,probably from unwashed underwear . the smell in the house is vile.

My father has not bathed in 3 years. His clothes are litteraly falling apart on his body. He sleeps 18-20 hours a day. My mother enables this. She doesn't want to leave her "dream" home. She thinks if I try to get help, they will put them away.

Thanks so much for this forum! It has been war to get my mom into the shower. Issues for her are Being embarrassed, self conscious, and the fear of being cold as well as wasting precious water. I matter of factly get her into her shower chair on the premise of washing her hair and then quickly wash everywhere and in between.....with the bath sponge and shower sprayer. Then a full size Terry super absorbent robe! She also hides her soiled adult pull up. Kind of like a treasure hunt. Thanks again for this way of knowing we are not alone.

I'm sorry you are going through this, and glad you wrote. (I've been there and know how you feel) I didn't have any sisters either. This forum may help with "sisters" in the mean time...and other support groups out there. My encouragement~ Be the best daughter you can be. That is what you are called to do. (Not a nurse, psychologist, or manager) Love on her, (which is easy for a daughter, right?) and give her (and you!) grace as you love on her. I hated the disease, but I found that love cuts right through and both of you can find comfort (for both of you) in the midst of the failing of the body. It's OK to have a less than perfect hair do, or outfits. Watch some funny movies together. Pray for wisdom, and God (who is the expert on grace & love!) does indeed help us get through. Your dad can use some too! You will get through this. Feel free to write again, as it helps to share with other care-givers.

I'm so terribly sad reading all these and not understanding how to watch my mother decline to this state. She would be mortified if she truly understood how she looks right now. She is 85 my dad is 84 and taking care of her is taking its toll on him to say the least. So many questions about what is in her control and what isn't. She can be up on current events but has no idea what month it is. Has made a hair appointment every week for months and cancels every time. My father felt so bad he went and insisted on paying them anyway. I have no sisters to talk to....I feel so helpless

This article makes me feel less alone. My mother is 86, copd, incontinent and showing some signs of early demebtia. She hates to bathe and also comes from a time when bathing was infrequent. She smells, but I just endure because I dont want to embarrass her. Sometimes I can get her in and then i gigive her a good scrubbing and rubdownvwhich she loves, but mostly weeks and weeks go by. She is overweight, she is very incontinent and should wash at every changing for best health, but she is lazy. I have purchashed all the products for her to use to make this effortless.
Sometimes I can't bear to be in the same room with her.

Your article is very helpful. My husband's behavior is getting worse and worse everyday. I talked to few caregivers and gave me some helpful ways to cope. Am really having hard time dealing with his bad attitude. He always yell at me, angry, but nice to other people. Why is that? I am his only caregiver, he doesn't want anybody except me but he treats me bad. Spoke with some caregivers who gave me helpful tips to handle him. They said the reason why he is like that to is because he's comfortable with me. What I do now is find something to do like crocheting, reading happiness books or one that will keep my mind relax so I won't take it seriously when he call me names or blame for his mistakes. Thank you!

when I first started going to my parent's home to care for my Mom she refused to shower. She has dementia but was still able to converse then, She made it very Clear no one was Coming in her house telling her what to do. always using a conversational tone of Voice was helpful. Even when she Might become belligerent even slapping me a couple of times. I learned to Never ask her if she wanted a shower, Never ask her to take to a shower. Never to TELL her to take a shoWer. IN fact never use the word Shower at all. I behaved as Though it were a matter of course ' . The shower is directly in front
of the toilet ' While she was on the Toilet I'd put a towel down onto the floor and turn the water on "to warm it up in here. Just before she stood I put a towel on the Shower chair so it would feel warm and dry when she sat -When she stood I opened the Shower door and Said," Now you Can sit here in this nicewarm Spot." Usually she did. Sometimes she refused but I never backed downIt is a small bathroom and I was able to stand in Such a way that she could only move forward into the Shower. Nearly always she simply did because right in front of her is a Warm chair - and her Knees hurt. About 5 or 6 times she got belligerent ' When I was new at this I tried to reason- which I learned in the Alzheimer world is really only arguing because there is no reason, Regrettably I yelled once. That made things substantially worse' I tried theats but once again' that is just arguing. So I learned to just Shut up or be VERY Conversational yet firm, "I Know you want to sit down. You Can sit down There." She might yell WHY WHY WHY like a 3 yrold ' I learned not to engage this behavior but rather answer only once. "I am not talking about this, You can sit down there. " and then Keep my mouth shut.
Like I said these episodes were the exception and I worked very hard on keeping my voice and behavior the Same as if she were just being pleasant.I wanted pleasant to be What she associated with the process.
Also I ALWAYS did the shower everyday I was There.My niece Only did showers when she thought Mom needed one and she had a LOT more arguments.I do a shower every every every day I am there because it is routine that makes Alzheimer's Copable. It worked because this is 3 years later and although the dementia is much worse she always takes a shower, never argues about it ' and Very much enjoys it.

Oh also I Turn the water off while she is getting in. Once she Is in the chair I hold a towell over the nozzle- tell her I am turning it on -"You may feel some drips ' "Now it's warm." "Here it comes"

It would make my world if my grandmother took a shower or bath or anything! Sadly, I don't know when's the last time she's had a shower or bath. She's 75 with mild dementia. Me and my sisters take turns at her house to make sure she's eating right and not sending money to scam sweepstakes.

I know it's been a long time since she's last cleaned her body because not one of my sisters have reported her taking a shower. We're hoping she'll realize how bad she stinks and finally decide to wash up because, with our relationship, we don't have the courage bring up "shower" to her. She's beyond stubborn and proud and "doesn't need people who don't pay the bills telling her what to do." I think the sun will stop rising before she lets anyone wash her up and I'm really afraid she'll develop an illness with all the filth she carrying around.

I found this post very helpful as far as understanding her situation and how to approach it, I just don't have the right utensils. :(

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Sounds like it's emotional for you both. For me, sometimes it helped to approach it differently, and not give up. Bring it up with a new spin, such as new fragrance, new clothes, the nice warm water... and stress the importance of privacy so they not be afraid of embarrassment. The dread of embarrassment can express itself in anger, confusion, or depression. Stay positive (if you can) and ask God for His creativity. Thankfully, He knows what's going on. My mom felt better when she wore an Honor Guard (personal care garment) during changing, and bathing care. Hope this helps.

what do you do if they just seem like they give up and don't even want to get up to go to the bathroom I was talking about getting a bed pan but he doesn't want to do it and he won't take a shower he is laying in his own stuff what should we do?

Use an Honor Guard that covers the body during a bath.

I didn't say that going without bathing for 3 months or even 1 month is normal. But my mother at 91 bathes about every other week. She claims she doesn't have any odor since she says she does not sweat and has hardly any body hair. I think in the 30s and 40s her family bathed once a week and probably her peers did the same. I saw an old "hygiene" book from the late 40s and high schools girls were told to wash their hair twice a month. Very interesting.

Dad is 93 and lives alone. Mom passed away 7 yrs ago. Dad still drives. I've called his doctor voicing my concerns about him driving and about how his hygiene has gone downhill. The doc gave him a dementia test and he came through with flying colors. I have a woman go in to clean once a month and only just found out that when she runs the water in the bathroom sink, dirty water comes up into the tub. I've noticed that dad doesn't change his clothes as often as he should and that he washes daily, rather than shower, but the news about the water floored me. According to his doctor he's fine, leave him alone. He seems to be alert and "with it", but the not bathing bothers me. Any ideas?

47augie: You're full of it. Going 3 months between showers is NOT normal, in ANY generation.

I find a lot of younger people today have a problem with time. If they are 40 years of age, then their parents would be more often in their 60s or 70s today. The traditional view of bathing or showering was actually more apt for much older people, not the parents of today's younger-than-middle-age media geniuses. It's like that Swiffer commercial with the old couple who have been married for 44 years in 2013. That means they were married in 1969 -- so why are they waltzing to what sounds like "The Merry Widow" waltz at the end of the commercial? Shouldn’t they be dancing like they did at Woodstock (the year they were supposedly married)? Younger ad agency creative types obviously have no sense of what happened before they were born and just assume that elderly people of 2013 suddenly, at some time in the past, became the elderly of 1954 or 1924. (The Merry Widow waltz dates from 1910).

I have been living with my grandparents the past 2 years to help cook, clean and any other things my grandma needs help with. She is always bending over backwards taking care of my grandpa so I take care of everything else. My problem is my grandpa has not taken a shower/bathed since I moved in 2 years ago!!! My gma won't say anything to him and it is bad...he has a catheter and the bag comes loose and pee goes everywhere all over couch, floor, and him all he wants done about it is a clean pair of pj pants and lays down towel he won't let us clean it he just stays on couch and refuses to move. It has made the house smell so bad! You pretty much have to wear a mask when you go near him. I don't know what to do. He is killing my gam slowly and won't let me help him do anything he just wants her to do it. PLEASE any ideas????

I'm a 39 yr old male and the youngest of 7. My father is 80 and my mother is 77 and unbelievably stubborn.
Every time I want to take her to my home and have her take a shower she refuses. She smells so badly sometimes I can't take it and she has actually had a Urinary tract infection a couple times that landed her in the hospital and i'm sure it's because of uncleanliness.
I completely understand it hurts her to shower because of extreme rheumatoid arthritis, but the cleanliness is a real issue. We are talking showers that occur probably once a month or less and it starts really bad arguments.
I just don't know what to do...it's all stubbornness and my niece helps her because my niece is a CNA

We even had a very nice hh aide come in and she could not do anything with her, now we are back to square one. No bathing, grooming or going outside, just eating, sitting in her chair and goes to the bathroom when she makes it. She can only transfer to the wheelchair. We have had to make her change her undergarments and its an ordeal, she would rather wear the wet or soiled ones than change. She says that the "spots" are where she dropped food on them. The only thing she wants to do is go to the hairdresser on Saturday and will put makeup on but doesnt care if her pants are wet. She is more worried about her shirt being ironed than smelling of urine. She is also very demanding and will manipulate anyone to get her way so she doesnt have to bathe or change her clothes. We have tried the shower chair and all of that. We bought a long brush for her to wash her back and legs. She will wash her face and will not wash anything else, she will just sit in the shower then yell for someone to get her out now. If we ask her to wash her private area she becomes angry. There is nothing more besides a nursing home and that is not something we want to do. There are other problems too. She is paranoid and does not want us to leave the house. She thinks we are going through her "things" (we are not) She screams our names on early Saturday morning every few minutes until we are both so frustrated we get up. She will abuse us by phone multiple times if we are out. It is becoming so stressful that we are now arguing. Sad.

We cannot get her to wash AT ALL. She is incontinent and smells and will have obvious feces on her clothes but say she will still wear them. She doesnt even want her clothes WASHED. Our house smells in the area where she sits. Nothing works. This was a woman who was impecibly groomed everyday.