Their reality isn't our reality, that's for sure. My MIL, upon my husband foolishly asking her to reminisce about his late father, her ex-husband, shared some very disturbing things about how he had tons of affairs with men AND women (nope, not true) came home drunk every night and vomited in the street in front of their house (again, possibly once, after a party or something, but not every night) and did some other things that he couldn't possibly have done that are just too bizarre to relate.
No matter how much my husband tried to steer her away from this line of talk, she wouldn't be deterred. Every man she'd ever seriously dated had cheated on her hundreds of times, sometimes with random strangers whom they met in the street and ducked into doorways with. She's become obsessed with sex, and drops the F-bomb all the time.
She talks about events in the news, but I have the feeling what she says is carefully prepared beforehand, to prove to us that she's still "with it," as she's unable to really discuss issues, and just parrots what she hears on NPR.
She keeps forgetting that we know her sister died two years ago, and constantly asks if we knew her sister was dead. When we say that we do, and we're sorry, she states with great satisfaction how her late sister was fat. She likes to talk about how she's slender, unlike some of the people she knows. She didn't like it one bit that a bracelet that was too small for her wrist fit loosely on mine, and glared daggers at me for the rest of our visit.
She also imagines that her father, who was a successful real-estate lawyer in a moderately large Southern town, was the finest legal mind the world has ever known, and boasts to my husband, when he's wresting with a particularly difficult case in his criminal law practice, that "Daddy" could have figured it out with ease.
It's annoying, but it does no good trying to reason with her. Her thoughts are all about sex, money (who has it and who doesn't) and how her family background is better than anyone's. She's always been a dedicated narcissist, but dementia has made her far worse. Taking her away from familiar places is an absolute disaster, as we found out on a recent trip with her. No way in h*ll would we ever subject ourselves to that again. My husband shudders when he thinks of how awful it was when she offered t show a TSA agent at the airport her "bosoms," so he could see she wasn't concealing a gun in her bra. That horror on his face was something I'll never forget.
I need to know something though. Any help would be great on this, I work around The elderly And a few that have Alzheimer's And this one little older lady , Has touched my heart ! I actually care for all of them But I make a point to go see her at the end of my shift and We talk about the same thing every day the same story over and over. Today was a little different she went through the halls looking for her sister, One Nurse told her she saw he go that way and pointed towards her wing where her room is located, to me I felt really awful this nurse would lie to her and I stood there watching as she got all excited and walked off a bit faster then normal. I finally got done doing what i had to and made my way to Her and told her to follow me, we would go to her room and I explained to her that her sister would not be able to make it over to see her today. was it wrong of me to tell her or should I had just left it alone and she would have been looking all day for her sister as one of the nurses told her she went walking that way ( the way of her room) .. I am confused. I feel telling her the truth was better and I also told her Your sister will not be here today but I will visit with you Sweetie.
I am so glad that I am not the only one going through these terrible times. My story is somewhat different in that my mom does not believe she has demetia and refuses to see a doctor. My dad is very mean and always has to have the last say. He is not well physically nor do I think mentally. Yesterday I was at their senior living apartment for three hours trying to break up a verbal fight that would not end. I am so tired. I have 2 sisters and 2 brothers, my sisters are great although one lives out of town, my brothers are staying away because of my father. Thanks for giving us this avenue to vent.
Excellent story. I loved it. I just commented on another post about those with dementia and Alzheimer's and dreams, and right after I made the comment, I found this post. Excellent information. Reminds me of an elder in her nineties that I cared for, and she kept asking where the baby was. I told her the parents came and picked her up and she was just fine.
INSIST on a neurological exam by a geriatric doctor that specializes in Alzheimer's! All the drugs in the world are NOT going to help someone that has Alzheimer's. Even the 'dementia drugs' don't seem to make a difference. Better nutrition, interaction, rehab exercises, and yes even being with her husband may make more of a difference. I would be VERY concerned about a facility that just uses DRUGS to manage a patient. PLEASE get involved with her care and insist on the proper exam.
My father has Alzheimers and my mother took care of him until last January when we had to put him in an ALF because he kept escaping from their home. After this, my mom got increasingly paranoid and nervous, having frequent panic attacks and would make up excuses why she couldn't go visit him. My mother has delusions that people are stealing from her, that "they" are going to kill her, and other psychosis. The psychiatrist put her on several anti depressants and anti anxiety medications, but did not put her on demetia drugs. The psychotherapist thinks she has anxiety disorder, but this is very rare developing in the elderly. My mom is 86! She is now in the same ALF as my father, but not in the memory unit. She continues to have hysterical panic attacks daily, and now they have added Xanax to the cocktail of drugs, which helps some, but has her confused. I need to find an answer, I don't think were on the right track with all these medicines, without addressing possible dementia. She had a CT scan in the hospital, but they said there was nothing wrong and put her in the Psych ward under heavy drugs for a week. Now she's off those drugs, but back to her same condition. What should I do?
Thank you so much for the kind words and advice Miamadre, this really helps me with ideas :) I am still in a little shock over this, my grandma progressed so fast in the last 6 months. Last summer we were still going on our lunchdates etc. I will use this advice when i am visiting her tomorrow with my two young kids ( 2 and 6) she has always doted over her great grandkids. God Bless you too and thanks again.
It good that you want to see her and to see that she is happy. Don't let her emotions prevent you from visiting. There are ways to 'visit her' without it being a emotional upheaval. So much of this will depend on how you conduct yourself. I mean this in the NICEST of ways, but you have to visit her with your best face on. Bring a small treat, her favorite coffee (iced so it is safer) and a SMILE! Come in and visit her as you would if she were at 'home'. Have something to DO with her while you are there. Bring in a MOVIE, if she has a vcr/dvr in her room. Take her outside to enjoy the sun, or even for a DRIVE if she is up to it. Then when you take her back "home" to the facility, just make sure that she is distracted with another activity such as her bath, or time to get ready for 'bed' and then ask her is she needs anything from "the store". Have her made a 'short list' and then tell her you will "be right back". Don't make it a big ordeal when you leave. Ask one of the nurses assistants to distract her with an 'urgent need for HER help' and then leave quietly.
I know I used to cry AFTER I got outside, sitting in my car to compose myself after I left my mother at the nursing home. but I KNEW she was in very capable hand, getting the best care that could be provided.
I tried NEVER to let her see how 'upset' it made me to not take her 'home' with me. (And my mother lived with me for (most) of the last five years of her life).
If Mom didn't need anything from the store. I would make another excuse to leave her side, "phone call" have to check on the mail, anything that would get me out of the room without upsetting her, and then I would leave the facility.
Make your visits pleasant, and as long as you like. Change the subject if she asks about 'going home' Make up some "white" lies on why she can't come home with you and then change the subject. Even excuse yourself to go to the bathroom (that worked for me SO many times) even if its' just for you to regroup.
I would also recommend that you start a NEW topic so your concerns are not buried on an old post. (although this was an active one, it has been dormant for 18 months.
May God bless you and give you the strength you need to get through the hard times.
Please give me some advice, we just recently had to move my grandma into a very nice alzheimers nursing home where they thrive on keeping the residents independence as much as possible. I would have rather seen her stay home or with a loved one but she is not covered under medicare and my grandpa is 82 and not in good physical health. It got to the point where she was leaving the house all hours of the night in winter, getting frustrated and physical with him etc. She was becoming a danger to herself as well as my grandpa..she is so sad though when we come see her or leave she cries its heart breaking. I feel helpless, its just so hard to see her this way. Its only been 3 weeks since she has moved in so hopefully she will adjust soon. I just want her to be happy. I have a small house with 2 kids and a husband, so there is no room for her here...thanks for sharing. All the posts are nice to see there are others going through similar things.
Yesterday, the facility that cares for my dad had a surprise for everyone. With effort, we got my dad to follow us, and he lit up when he saw someone's horse peeping in through the door of his dementia unit. Many of the residents enjoyed that, and the feel of the gentle horse's nose. What a treat for everyone, including my nine year old and me. I love the way this place tries to nurture the soul of everyone there. Nighttime footsoaks are wonderful, as well. I know where I'm going when I'm old.
No matter what they are thinking, no matter what they are saying, it is very real to them! It is how WE react to what they are saying and doing that makes the difference sometime! Have fun at your 8th birthday Grandma, learn some German or Italian, so you can at least try to communicate with them.
I'm not sure if his condition is too far advanced for you father, but it might be worth a try.
Get some flash cards, or PICTURES of common everyday things. Kids 'flash cards' will work, or a big book of things, and offer them to him if he is trying to communicate. Maybe ONE of the pictures will help him let you know what is he trying to say. Or make him smile. I'm not talking about pictures of people.. although that might help too.. I'm talking about pictures of a piece of PIE, or a sock, or a car, or a truck, the more VINTAGE, an OLD phone instead of a cell phone. Get a few coffee table books full of nostalgic pictures, and see if that makes him smile.
PETS: my dog makes my mother smile. My german shepherd reminds her of all the dogs we raised when we were all younger, So see if you can get a pet in there to visit with him. OR get a few large life size stuffed toys... dog, cat, tiger... anything and offer them to him to hold. OR soft sculpted 'manly' toys, like a soft sculpted hammer, or even a soft soccerball or basketball.
I have seen how mia madre will respond to 'soft' toys positively and how she will sit and sort through a photo book of flowers and other things from her life for hours on end.
And this song comes to mind that I heard Josh Groban sing, THANKFUL....when I think of our loved ones:
..... So for tonight we pray for, what we know can(t) be and every day we hope for.... What we still can't see. It's up to us to be the change, and even though we all can still do more..... There's so much to be thankful for!
My dad seems hopelessly lost in a world of his own these days. He's still in the Nursing Home, with Advanced Stage Alzheimer's of the Lewy Bodies variety (awful stuff!). When he does try to communicate, it is no longer understandable, and he does not seem able to understand when we speak to him. He doesn't respond to requests, and rarely smiles anymore. Hard to believe, since he seemed so vibrant and active only one year ago. I am amazed at the progression of his disease. His delusions were prominent then; I can only imagine what his mind takes in these days. What comes out in his speech is so mixed up, can't imagine his thoughts being any better. How lonely that world must be shut off from others, and no longer recognizing loved ones. Dad's eyes and facial expressions are beyond sad. So's my heart. Thanks for reading, and for your prayers, Anne
Excellent post Jacqueline. Our "reality" is the chemical and electrical activity in our brains. Sight, sound, smell, taste, touch... all of it.
In my professional life I have seen (among other things) a 96-year-old woman having a grand time eating cake and icecream at her 8th birthday party, 80-year-olds who have spoken only English since they were 5 - now only able to speak German, and 60-year-olds "walking" through their place of work carefully checking the guages of invisible machines marking down readings into notebooks I couldn't see.
Your post brings up a point that I think bears repeating.
What our loved-ones experience in "their" world - regardless of how far away it is in time or place - is every bit as "real" as what we experience in ours - all of it - what they see, touch, taste, smell and hear. Approach these times thoughtfully, with understanding and love. Don't feel obligated to drag them back to "our" world unless it's to their benefit. I wouldn't have asked the 96-year-old to leave her 8th birthday for all the money in to world...
Do you suppose we are growing wings' - we just do not see them right now? You know I did have a great childhood. Thank you for your kind support! Jerome.
You've been blessed, Jerome, haven't you? And now you're blessing your mother in return. Another of God's angels. Thanks for being a part of these discussions and being so encouraging.
Angela, I am glad you and you mom can still cook together, even if all she could do is stir the pot! When my mom took a hot casserole dish from the oven without mitts, she dropped the dish on the floor and it melted the sheet linoleum. She cleaned it up and pretended nothing happened when I came home from work. She did this twice in as many days. I then had to cut off the power at the service panel so that would not happen again. She did not burn her hands.
Growing up in the military, we traveled some, and every country we lived in, mom was cooking the country's cuisine within a month. I never had the same meal twice in a row in 18 years. She started teaching me when I was 12 - I demanded she fix me a sandwich, and she told me to fix it myself.
She also sewed her own clothes, and made outfits that were of the country's designs.
What a treasure of a post! Thank you! Love your names, too: Mia Madre Anna and Angela... And Jerome, you add so much to these threads; thank you as well. Blessings, all!
Jerome, thanks for your kind words! We share some similar good habits with our mothers! I have also used 'silly songs' to keep Mom engaged, or to get her to go along with something.
Bath time was an issue, but once I started singing the Hokey Pokey song, she played along! "you put your right foot in... you put your LEFT foot in and you wash it all about!.... "
I too would make up songs, with HER name in it, or waltz her to bed singing "I was waltzing with my darlin, to the Tennesee Waltz" .... and she usually starts to sing and dance along! Good to hear that works for you too Jerome! So many times we overlook the easiest solution to a situation.
Music is, without a doubt, a key that unlocks Mom's most sullen mood, or gets her mind off something unpleasant. My father was an entertainer, and my brother still is, so singing seems to reach her quickly! Although my voice isn't of the same quality, it still makes her smile!
I have to be careful sometimes with songs sung in Italian, since this seems to push her 'native tongue' button, and she then wants to speak Italian, which I do not speak fluently.
Knowing as much as I do about my mothers past has really served to help me, so I know what will spark a pleasant memory, or what will push the wrong button! We don't want to push the wrong button.
Also.. I have found that their reality can be VERY influenced by what was on television that day, even if I thought she wasn't watching! I now watch Mom's expressions when TV is on, if a commercial earns a sour look, I change the channel if I see it coming on. Bad reviews can mean bad dreams, and we don't want that either! Even the most 'common' shows, such as the news or some 'dramas' are not the best picks for my mother with Alzheimer's.
The FOOD Network has helped me improve Mom's interest in food, and even had her wanting to HELP in the kitchen! Of course her involvement in the kitchen is supervised carefully by myself, but she really had a good time 'cooking' again!
We really can influence their "reality" if we look at what we are doing objectively! Calm, uncluttered areas, easy going shows, a good diet and plenty of fluids AND (try to) keep a schedule seem to help tremendously.
With the brain being 80% water, hydration like I mentioned before is of paramount importance to ALL of us. At first I had to coerce Mom to drink, that didn't work. Now I just ask her to "taste this" and tell me what you think... or Mom, I made a milkshake would you like some? Fresh fruit, milk or ensure, and protein shake mix make for one tasty milkshake! I also use cinnamon, and other natural flavors to help with taste and blood sugar control.
As usual I could go on and on, but I am trying to control myself. It's good to see these topics getting some new input.
You know, my mom sometimes just starts singing - her words are not in any language that I understand, at one time she spoke English and Spanish fluently.
So I listen to the context or to the rythym to hear a trace of a song that we (the family) sang so long ago. If I think I have it, I ask her " are you singing Camelot" for example. She may say yes or she may not answer. If she says yes then I sing it with her. I don't have to remember the exact words, or tune and I sing it with gusto or softly depending on what I think she wants to hear. When I do she lights up like a Christmas tree, smiling and singing.
A lot of times I think those with severe dementia (like Alzheimer's) who appear quiet or sullen or sad, just need someone to interact with them. She still loves to dance and watch little children.
Since my mother is a veteran - and if we need to go to the bathroom she likes to march to music, I tend to voice John Phillip Sousa songs or make them up. It helps her to walk.
Thank you for reminding me about dehydration, that is sooo important. some of the biggest battles we face are dehydration, infection and eating.
I am not a neurologist, nor a doctor of any kind, but I have found that when it comes to Alzheimer's the path of LEAST resistance is the one I take.
I look at Alzheimer's and other types of dementias as a shrinking of the brain, with the most recent memories on the 'outer edge' of the brain. As that outer layer shrinks, our loved DEEPER memories, the ones below the shriveled part, seem to be older memories transporting them 'back in time, remembering days-gone-by like they were yesterday.
Recent memories (lunch, who visited, etc) TRY to stick to the shrunken 'withered up outer layer, but these memories can't stick. So our loved ones brain recalls 'older memories and makes them their current reality!
I have read that asking about their parents seems to indicate a need for more 'security and safety' even if they are in a secure facility or in the very best of care. Perhaps they are feeling insecure or hungry, or thirsty and want "Mom or Dad" to come and take them home where they are safe.
Many times a simple statement such as : "I'll let your parents know you are staying here with me or at the memory center/whatever you are calling it, so they don't have to worry."
OR "I just talked to your parents and they send you a BIG hug and they will be back soon, just have fun at 'camp'/here with me."
OR "Your parents will be back as soon as they.... (a)finish their business out of town, (b)are done visiting relatives, (c) whatever loving lie you can tell so our loved one can relax.
I have found that trying to explain that my mother's family, husband, friends are dead, even with proof, only served to worsen my Mother's outlook on life. She is the sole survivor of her family, and at 89 she still asks: "whatever happened to Uncle Joe" or "I miss my Daddy". On a good day, when I think she will understand the TRUTH, I answer the first question with: "Uncle Joe passed away, HEY... lets get some lunch! Would you like a sandwich or some soup?" (And I redirect her attention to something more pleasant.
On bad days, I use the suggestions I indicated previously, "They just called while you were in the bedroom, they send their love!" OR anything that will help her stay calm.
When Mom sits and wants to remember her father, as long as the memories are pleasant, I listen, and nod along, but I do try to keep her memories pleasant, "What did you like to do with your father?" or Who else came over to visit often?, anything to keep the conversation in a positive vein.
So often, we have already heard the stories 100 times (in the past week), we know where the conversation is going, but OUR reaction to the reality/memory they are having NOW (real or not) determines how they will respond!
I have watched my brothers 'remind' my mother that her brothers are dead, as well as her sisters, and her parents, and then saw my mother slip into a mini-depression, even if PROOF could be provided for the occurrences. It was not what she wanted to hear! And what purpose did it serve?
So many times we feel that by telling them the truth, it will stop that conversation from happening again. We know that isn't the truth! It only makes the next conversation MORE strained and combative, it seems only BAD memories stick to that 'shriveled' outer layer... doesn't it?
Julie: if it works for your mother to hear the truth and to 'see' proof, that is wonderful. But when the time comes that she does not, consider offering other answers to ease her concerns, loving lies if you will!
After all when we were kids, I know my mother told me loving lies when my 'goldfish died' or what happened to grandpop, or grandmom when they died, I didn't need proof to know they were gone. And countless other times when the truth was just too much for me to bear. I am forever grateful that she did too, now I understand how important loving lies are!
Sometimes just changing your location, (go for a drive, a walk, a stroll in the wheelchair) can help. Go out in the sunshine, do something FUN! Have a snack! Low blood sugar triggers all kinds of strange behaviors in my Mother! So does dehydration! Have a glass of juice or a milkshake with your loved one!
Reality.... a bit overrated sometimes, don't you think? Either that, or all those movies made to entertain us and take us to far away places are for naught!
How sweet to meet them where they are! The other day, I went in while Dad was in the bathroom, and just sat down. I just quietly waited. When he came out and saw me, there was no expression. I waited, saying nothing. He walked over to where I was, and started chatting. He looked at a puzzle on the table in front of us and commented about how nice the picture was. He looked up at some pictures on the wall, and talked about, "All those people there..." He looked at a calendar on his wall, and spoke about someone's name, then at the clock on the wall, saying, "That person..." I had no idea what he was say, or who he was talking about, and absolutely none of it made sentences. Every once in awhile he would stop, smile, laugh, or end his chatter with a questioning inflection at the end. I kept thinking to myself, "How do I respond to this?" So I repeated back to him what he'd just spoken, and smiled, a lot. I had no agenda, and mostly listened. My friend calls this, "The melody of love." How precious. Dad was real congenial, and comfortably expressing himself in the only way someone with Advanced Stage Alzheimer's is able. And I just loved on him by smiliing with my eyes and heart. I miss what we had, but I'm grateful that Dad is still alive and still adding to my memory bank. Today, I'm blessed to hear his voice. Who knows what tomorrow may bring? I pray he feels loved and well cared for, regardless of our limitations.
The most often recurring memory situation I have seen with dementia - in my mother, my uncle and others met in assisted care - is they think their parents are still living. They often view themselves as children and their parents don't know where they are. It can be very unsettling for them. When my uncle passed away, his older brother (who was in his 90's) was very disgusted that "mama and papa" weren't at the funeral. Of course, they had been gone for forty years.
I had this recently happen with my mother who is 90. She told me she was very concerned about something. I asked her what it was and she said her parents didn't know where she was and could I help her to get a hold of them. I think the first reaction as a caregiver is to bring them back to reality as it's very unsettling for, too! When I calmly told my mother that her parents had been gone for many years she started to argue with me. Miraculously :) I thought to bring her her Bible where she had written down everyone's date of death. She looked through the Bible for a long time and then thanked me for letting her know this. She seemed to be relieved that she didn't have to worry about her parents but this probably only worked as I could offer her some "proof" that may have brought her out of her reverie. In the future, I will do some more detective work to find out what she believes her "reality" to be.
Lonken: it sounds like you are doing a noble job. But sometimes you can't wait for other to OFFER help. Sounds like you just have to say... "Grandmom will be coming over to YOUR house for a week or so" make preparations for that to happen.
And as far as your Uncle goes... have a talk with him, and remind him that his mother gave him LIFE... so he has a moral duty to repay the kindness.
Nursing homes are not what they used to be. Have you looked into getting help from local agencies? If your grandfather was a veteran there are monies available for Aid and Attendance so you can get the respite you need. Do a google search for Aid and Attendance for veterans.
Also Cash and counseling's website: http://www.cashandcounseling.org/index_html may provide you with the help you need (financially) to get some respite!
I am not an expert by ANY stretch.. but there are programs that can help you.
Ask others at your church to help you so you get the respite you need.
(I noticed my entire message did not post... so here is the rest)
I have no help from my sisters or uncle. But, I am willing to do whatever I can to keep my grandmother out of the nursing home. She saw my granddad go through too much there. I'm just very happy that I still have her with me and will do whatever I can to keep her with me as long as I can.
I'm 37 with two kids (ages 8 and 4) and a husband to take care of, yet I took on the caregiving duties of my grandmother. My mother passed in 2002 and gran's only surviving son feels that just calling once a day is enough. She has been living with us 2 1/2 years, but I've been responsible for her (groceries, doctors, etc) way longer than that. Talk about an "impingement on my life." My family cannot go on vacation, my kids cannot have friends over for extended periods of time, and I pretty much cannot leave the house for more than a few minutes without taking her along. I have no help
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Dreams, Past Events & Delusions: What is Reality for People With Dementia?
My MIL, upon my husband foolishly asking her to reminisce about his late father, her ex-husband, shared some very disturbing things about how he had tons of affairs with men AND women (nope, not true) came home drunk every night and vomited in the street in front of their house (again, possibly once, after a party or something, but not every night) and did some other things that he couldn't possibly have done that are just too bizarre to relate.
No matter how much my husband tried to steer her away from this line of talk, she wouldn't be deterred. Every man she'd ever seriously dated had cheated on her hundreds of times, sometimes with random strangers whom they met in the street and ducked into doorways with. She's become obsessed with sex, and drops the F-bomb all the time.
She talks about events in the news, but I have the feeling what she says is carefully prepared beforehand, to prove to us that she's still "with it," as she's unable to really discuss issues, and just parrots what she hears on NPR.
She keeps forgetting that we know her sister died two years ago, and constantly asks if we knew her sister was dead. When we say that we do, and we're sorry, she states with great satisfaction how her late sister was fat. She likes to talk about how she's slender, unlike some of the people she knows. She didn't like it one bit that a bracelet that was too small for her wrist fit loosely on mine, and glared daggers at me for the rest of our visit.
She also imagines that her father, who was a successful real-estate lawyer in a moderately large Southern town, was the finest legal mind the world has ever known, and boasts to my husband, when he's wresting with a particularly difficult case in his criminal law practice, that "Daddy" could have figured it out with ease.
It's annoying, but it does no good trying to reason with her. Her thoughts are all about sex, money (who has it and who doesn't) and how her family background is better than anyone's. She's always been a dedicated narcissist, but dementia has made her far worse. Taking her away from familiar places is an absolute disaster, as we found out on a recent trip with her. No way in h*ll would we ever subject ourselves to that again. My husband shudders when he thinks of how awful it was when she offered t show a TSA agent at the airport her "bosoms," so he could see she wasn't concealing a gun in her bra. That horror on his face was something I'll never forget.
I know I used to cry AFTER I got outside, sitting in my car to compose myself after I left my mother at the nursing home. but I KNEW she was in very capable hand, getting the best care that could be provided.
I tried NEVER to let her see how 'upset' it made me to not take her 'home' with me. (And my mother lived with me for (most) of the last five years of her life).
If Mom didn't need anything from the store. I would make another excuse to leave her side, "phone call" have to check on the mail, anything that would get me out of the room without upsetting her, and then I would leave the facility.
Make your visits pleasant, and as long as you like. Change the subject if she asks about 'going home' Make up some "white" lies on why she can't come home with you and then change the subject. Even excuse yourself to go to the bathroom (that worked for me SO many times) even if its' just for you to regroup.
I would also recommend that you start a NEW topic so your concerns are not buried on an old post. (although this was an active one, it has been dormant for 18 months.
May God bless you and give you the strength you need to get through the hard times.
I'm not sure if his condition is too far advanced for you father, but it might be worth a try.
Get some flash cards, or PICTURES of common everyday things. Kids 'flash cards' will work, or a big book of things, and offer them to him if he is trying to communicate. Maybe ONE of the pictures will help him let you know what is he trying to say. Or make him smile. I'm not talking about pictures of people.. although that might help too.. I'm talking about pictures of a piece of PIE, or a sock, or a car, or a truck, the more VINTAGE, an OLD phone instead of a cell phone. Get a few coffee table books full of nostalgic pictures, and see if that makes him smile.
PETS: my dog makes my mother smile. My german shepherd reminds her of all the dogs we raised when we were all younger, So see if you can get a pet in there to visit with him. OR get a few large life size stuffed toys... dog, cat, tiger... anything and offer them to him to hold. OR soft sculpted 'manly' toys, like a soft sculpted hammer, or even a soft soccerball or basketball.
I have seen how mia madre will respond to 'soft' toys positively and how she will sit and sort through a photo book of flowers and other things from her life for hours on end.
And this song comes to mind that I heard Josh Groban sing, THANKFUL....when I think of our loved ones:
..... So for tonight we pray for,
what we know can(t) be
and every day we hope for....
What we still can't see.
It's up to us to be the change,
and even though we all can still do more.....
There's so much to be thankful for!
In my professional life I have seen (among other things) a 96-year-old woman having a grand time eating cake and icecream at her 8th birthday party, 80-year-olds who have spoken only English since they were 5 - now only able to speak German, and 60-year-olds "walking" through their place of work carefully checking the guages of invisible machines marking down readings into notebooks I couldn't see.
Your post brings up a point that I think bears repeating.
What our loved-ones experience in "their" world - regardless of how far away it is in time or place - is every bit as "real" as what we experience in ours - all of it - what they see, touch, taste, smell and hear. Approach these times thoughtfully, with understanding and love. Don't feel obligated to drag them back to "our" world unless it's to their benefit. I wouldn't have asked the 96-year-old to leave her 8th birthday for all the money in to world...
Growing up in the military, we traveled some, and every country we lived in, mom was cooking the country's cuisine within a month. I never had the same meal twice in a row in 18 years. She started teaching me when I was 12 - I demanded she fix me a sandwich, and she told me to fix it myself.
She also sewed her own clothes, and made outfits that were of the country's designs.
Bath time was an issue, but once I started singing the Hokey Pokey song, she played along! "you put your right foot in... you put your LEFT foot in and you wash it all about!.... "
I too would make up songs, with HER name in it, or waltz her to bed singing "I was waltzing with my darlin, to the Tennesee Waltz" .... and she usually starts to sing and dance along! Good to hear that works for you too Jerome! So many times we overlook the easiest solution to a situation.
Music is, without a doubt, a key that unlocks Mom's most sullen mood, or gets her mind off something unpleasant. My father was an entertainer, and my brother still is, so singing seems to reach her quickly! Although my voice isn't of the same quality, it still makes her smile!
I have to be careful sometimes with songs sung in Italian, since this seems to push her 'native tongue' button, and she then wants to speak Italian, which I do not speak fluently.
Knowing as much as I do about my mothers past has really served to help me, so I know what will spark a pleasant memory, or what will push the wrong button! We don't want to push the wrong button.
Also.. I have found that their reality can be VERY influenced by what was on television that day, even if I thought she wasn't watching! I now watch Mom's expressions when TV is on, if a commercial earns a sour look, I change the channel if I see it coming on. Bad reviews can mean bad dreams, and we don't want that either! Even the most 'common' shows, such as the news or some 'dramas' are not the best picks for my mother with Alzheimer's.
The FOOD Network has helped me improve Mom's interest in food, and even had her wanting to HELP in the kitchen! Of course her involvement in the kitchen is supervised carefully by myself, but she really had a good time 'cooking' again!
We really can influence their "reality" if we look at what we are doing objectively! Calm, uncluttered areas, easy going shows, a good diet and plenty of fluids AND (try to) keep a schedule seem to help tremendously.
With the brain being 80% water, hydration like I mentioned before is of paramount importance to ALL of us. At first I had to coerce Mom to drink, that didn't work. Now I just ask her to "taste this" and tell me what you think... or Mom, I made a milkshake would you like some? Fresh fruit, milk or ensure, and protein shake mix make for one tasty milkshake! I also use cinnamon, and other natural flavors to help with taste and blood sugar control.
As usual I could go on and on, but I am trying to control myself. It's good to see these topics getting some new input.
Thanks everyone!
Angela and Mia Madre Anna
You know, my mom sometimes just starts singing - her words are not in any language that I understand, at one time she spoke English and Spanish fluently.
So I listen to the context or to the rythym to hear a trace of a song that we (the family) sang so long ago. If I think I have it, I ask her " are you singing Camelot" for example. She may say yes or she may not answer. If she says yes then I sing it with her. I don't have to remember the exact words, or tune and I sing it with gusto or softly depending on what I think she wants to hear. When I do she lights up like a Christmas tree, smiling and singing.
A lot of times I think those with severe dementia (like Alzheimer's) who appear quiet or sullen or sad, just need someone to interact with them.
She still loves to dance and watch little children.
Since my mother is a veteran - and if we need to go to the bathroom she likes to march to music, I tend to voice John Phillip Sousa songs or make them up. It helps her to walk.
Thank you for reminding me about dehydration, that is sooo important. some of the biggest battles we face are dehydration, infection and eating.
I look at Alzheimer's and other types of dementias as a shrinking of the brain, with the most recent memories on the 'outer edge' of the brain. As that outer layer shrinks, our loved DEEPER memories, the ones below the shriveled part, seem to be older memories transporting them 'back in time, remembering days-gone-by like they were yesterday.
Recent memories (lunch, who visited, etc) TRY to stick to the shrunken 'withered up outer layer, but these memories can't stick. So our loved ones brain recalls 'older memories and makes them their current reality!
I have read that asking about their parents seems to indicate a need for more 'security and safety' even if they are in a secure facility or in the very best of care. Perhaps they are feeling insecure or hungry, or thirsty and want "Mom or Dad" to come and take them home where they are safe.
Many times a simple statement such as : "I'll let your parents know you are staying here with me or at the memory center/whatever you are calling it, so they don't have to worry."
OR "I just talked to your parents and they send you a BIG hug and they will be back soon, just have fun at 'camp'/here with me."
OR "Your parents will be back as soon as they.... (a)finish their business out of town, (b)are done visiting relatives, (c) whatever loving lie you can tell so our loved one can relax.
I have found that trying to explain that my mother's family, husband, friends are dead, even with proof, only served to worsen my Mother's outlook on life. She is the sole survivor of her family, and at 89 she still asks: "whatever happened to Uncle Joe" or "I miss my Daddy". On a good day, when I think she will understand the TRUTH, I answer the first question with: "Uncle Joe passed away, HEY... lets get some lunch! Would you like a sandwich or some soup?" (And I redirect her attention to something more pleasant.
On bad days, I use the suggestions I indicated previously, "They just called while you were in the bedroom, they send their love!" OR anything that will help her stay calm.
When Mom sits and wants to remember her father, as long as the memories are pleasant, I listen, and nod along, but I do try to keep her memories pleasant, "What did you like to do with your father?" or Who else came over to visit often?, anything to keep the conversation in a positive vein.
So often, we have already heard the stories 100 times (in the past week), we know where the conversation is going, but OUR reaction to the reality/memory they are having NOW (real or not) determines how they will respond!
I have watched my brothers 'remind' my mother that her brothers are dead, as well as her sisters, and her parents, and then saw my mother slip into a mini-depression, even if PROOF could be provided for the occurrences. It was not what she wanted to hear! And what purpose did it serve?
So many times we feel that by telling them the truth, it will stop that conversation from happening again. We know that isn't the truth! It only makes the next conversation MORE strained and combative, it seems only BAD memories stick to that 'shriveled' outer layer... doesn't it?
Julie: if it works for your mother to hear the truth and to 'see' proof, that is wonderful. But when the time comes that she does not, consider offering other answers to ease her concerns, loving lies if you will!
After all when we were kids, I know my mother told me loving lies when my 'goldfish died' or what happened to grandpop, or grandmom when they died, I didn't need proof to know they were gone. And countless other times when the truth was just too much for me to bear. I am forever grateful that she did too, now I understand how important loving lies are!
Sometimes just changing your location, (go for a drive, a walk, a stroll in the wheelchair) can help. Go out in the sunshine, do something FUN! Have a snack! Low blood sugar triggers all kinds of strange behaviors in my Mother! So does dehydration! Have a glass of juice or a milkshake with your loved one!
Reality.... a bit overrated sometimes, don't you think? Either that, or all those movies made to entertain us and take us to far away places are for naught!
Calgon Take me Away!! :)
I had this recently happen with my mother who is 90. She told me she was very concerned about something. I asked her what it was and she said her parents didn't know where she was and could I help her to get a hold of them. I think the first reaction as a caregiver is to bring them back to reality as it's very unsettling for, too! When I calmly told my mother that her parents had been gone for many years she started to argue with me. Miraculously :) I thought to bring her her Bible where she had written down everyone's date of death. She looked through the Bible for a long time and then thanked me for letting her know this. She seemed to be relieved that she didn't have to worry about her parents but this probably only worked as I could offer her some "proof" that may have brought her out of her reverie. In the future, I will do some more detective work to find out what she believes her "reality" to be.
Julie Q
And as far as your Uncle goes... have a talk with him, and remind him that his mother gave him LIFE... so he has a moral duty to repay the kindness.
Nursing homes are not what they used to be. Have you looked into getting help from local agencies? If your grandfather was a veteran there are monies available for Aid and Attendance so you can get the respite you need. Do a google search for Aid and Attendance for veterans.
Also Cash and counseling's website:
http://www.cashandcounseling.org/index_html
may provide you with the help you need (financially) to get some respite!
I am not an expert by ANY stretch.. but there are programs that can help you.
Ask others at your church to help you so you get the respite you need.
I have no help from my sisters or uncle. But, I am willing to do whatever I can to keep my grandmother out of the nursing home. She saw my granddad go through too much there. I'm just very happy that I still have her with me and will do whatever I can to keep her with me as long as I can.