I have been taking care of my mother for over 20 years; 18 years at her house daily and nearly 3 years 24/7 at her house. She will be 91 in June and has late-stage dementia and a long list of other medical conditions. I have given up any hobbies or other activities years ago. I still have 1 friend who I keep in touch with through email and the occasional phone call. Mom can't do anything herself, she needs assistance with everything she does; sitting up, standing, walking. I have to hold her or she will fall over. I have been trying to find in-home care to get someone to be here a few hours a week so I can get out of the house. So far I have not talked with anyone who is confident enough to replace me. Her PCP says I should call the local office on aging. If anyone has used their local office on aging I would appreciate knowing what I should ask or tell them to get the most from that resource. I am at the point where I am wondering when it is time to take my life back. I am afraid that I will never have a normal life again.

I remember reading somewhere that baby diapers are call loves, huggies, pampers etc..because they are cute kids. However adult diapers are called depends because it depends who's in the will that will change it for you...

I have to agree that usually caretaking seems to fall to one sibling and usually it's the female. Reading through some of these different types of unhealthy relationships and reading articles regarding "toxic parents" I have finally admitted to myself that my mother falls in these categories. She has clung onto me her entire life. We basically ran away from my alcoholic father when I was 14. My half-sister (my mom's daughter) had been found dead earlier that year. It was ruled a suicide but later change to murder. My mom probably had somewhat of a breakdown - pulled me out of school - and without telling anyone basically left! We wound up in her hometown at her brother's house. We didn't have much but I remember feeling for the first time in a long time utter peace! No yelling, screaming or wondering what else awaited you when you walked in the door. A year later my dad found us and talked my mom into going back to him. I was so upset I nearly ran away. He wanted us to move to another smaller town in which he found a job - throwing my world into utter chaos! I had friends, a boyfriend, was doing well in school. Anyway my father has passed for a long time now but my mom continues to hang onto me - I'm her everything and I'm exhausted! Her companion, friend, go-pher girl - meaning I'm the one running her around to appointments and such. She has bounced around her whole darn life - has lived with me for a total of 17 years and yes she is back! She is 90 but I'm seeing a decline in everything. She is very healthy and still drives but that will soon come to an end. I have two brothers that have helped out so little. Well now my body is breaking down - I recently suffered severe back pain and now shingles! That is a sign I've had enough. I will not continue to not have a life - enjoy friends and have my health suffer. My mom has been critical of me and we have definitely had a somewhat "weird" relationship. She always tried to control me - getting in my business and acting like I'm not supposed to have anybody or go anywhere. At the moment I'm single and figure why should I try to date. I have no privacy. I really think I should try therapy as I can't keep venting to my friends. I actually look forward after a long, boring weekend with her to go back to work on Monday and to be around people that like and appreciate me! Tired of her catty remarks, bad attitude, etc. Apparently I'm more stressed than I realized. So take care of yourself caretakers - we will be of no use to anyone if we fall apart. I recently told my brothers we needed to have a meeting. I'm tired of being the "silent" partner in all of this. Thanks to all for your support and listening!

In most cases, family support is non-existent. Usually one person is dumped the entire responsibility of caregiving and it has a catastrophic effect on career, drains one's life's savings with absolutely no help from the government. Even just sitting services (no hands on care) costs $20 an hour. A CNA (hands on care) is about double that. As my mom's Alzheimer's progresses, even toileting has become a big chore for me. Her condition has impacted my life and even will affect me plunging me into poverty when it's time for me to retire--what a joke I can't even retire now. But all of this is a moot point - I think we will have WW 3 in a few years or less and nobody will be around.

Very interesting reading from the article to the experiences from all who replied.
Cmagnum; I almost see what is happening in my home with my wife and her father after a year now is she is between your #3 and scarier more of a #4. Just the reluctance to go forward with AL plans, and when these are suggested my me feeling like she is shutting me down before we start talking. My wife reciently hurt her back and shoulder so after working all day having to do all chores once home. I am feeling like she is her father's daughter a hell of a lot more than she is my wife. Do I make it an ultimatum? If it comes down to him or me, I feel like I have already lost. Here in Ontario we have CCAC, an agency that basically gets you on the AL and NH waiting list. I am going to insist that this happens before year's end, as it still can be months of waiting. But if no forward progression with our situation, then I think that is my answer.......

The first line of a song of the spouse with a man or woman enmeshed mom..

"I Can't Be Married to You & Mom!" If I can't have you only, I'd rather be alone like I already am."

Pollygolightly,

Words fail to be able to express the depth of an empathetic response to what you have and are going through and the angry words that I would feel in your behalf could not be printed here, but I feel deeply for you your situation.

The abandonment and betrayal you must feel in light of such a mother enmeshed man who is your husband must feel nearly as I would think a spouse having an affair would feel.

Your efforts have gone beyond going the second mile. It's too bad that he only went into therapy by himself instead of like the other MEM I mentioned who went into therapy with his wife.

Whatever you have to do, you will need to do for your own well being. Boundaries are meant mainly for protection. They may or may not have some behavior modification impact. Thus, like you say, an ultimatum may or may not have such an impact on your husband.

Unless you intend it as punishment, just calmly state that as a consequence of his lack of progress with his mom you're slipping out the back jack, no need to discuss much, that's it and you are setting yourself free.

If he sees the light fine, but if not fine for like I say you can't control or fix him. He's obviously more emotionally married to mom than to you. I do feel a bit sorry for him and very angry at her for what she did to him, but that is there problem and their choices which unfortunately impact you.

It's not a good feeling to be married and feel single which I've felt or to be married and yet feel like a single parent which I've felt too. I was advised by my therapist back then to calmly take the boys and myself away since my wife broke a boundary that my wife had agreed to about her mother and our life as a family in front of a therapist.

I think that I lost it, but I did start to write a song about can't be married to both mom and me.

Take care of yourself for no one else will do that as good as yourself for you.

Love, prayers and cyber hugs!

Thank you so much for these comments cmagnum. It is validating to read someone else's words on what I have already suspected. Because of all of this, I read the MEM book and another one on covert incest a few years back. It helped explain things and countered some of the frustrations I was feeling. At the time, though, I was coping fairly well and pretty resilient even when things became difficult. Now is a different story. I am run down and losing inner resources. My husband is in therapy but obviously they haven't gotten to the MEM issues. I just want now to be healthy and strong again as I now feel caught in a tide that is trying to pull me under with it. I would even like to see my husband again, without being in the constant company of his mother. Before we came here I kept the apartment we had lived in even after we had moved in. Obviously I couldn't afford to keep it after we moved here, so I gave it up. I am thinking maybe it is like that again now at the end of my caregiving journey. I could get my own place, and then see my husband outside of this mess. I do hope he sees the light but I also think it's not likely given he's immersed in the situation. I am also betting that an ultimatum would be futile.

Pollygolightly,

Here are my four types of MEMs.

You just might be able to find online articles on these four categories or types.

1. The eternal child who has been groomed by a parent to always respond like they are still the little girl or little boy. Technically that is called infantalism. I have a relative who is still in bondage by this in her early 60's and somehow her marriage has lasted, but not well. She's been to therapy, but quit. She at times wants someone else to fight her war for her, but she want fight.

2. The hurting child. They seek to compensate for something that was absent from their childhood. They very often will endure abuse that not one else would in order to possibly see the parent become the loving, non-abusive parent that the never were. Sad to say, but they never will despite all presumptive hope that they will be the exception

3. The parent/child. The overly responsible parent/child who is groomed emotionally to feel responsible for the parent almost as if there were their parent. That's called parentification.

4. The partner child. This is called covert incest. In my opinion this is the absolute deepest and by far the hardest to get out of. (While these others might get called emotional incest, this definitely is covert, emotional incest.

The partner child is when a parent makes a child their emotional partner either because the spouse is gone because of divorce or death.

Some do this with a child because they are not getting such emotional support from their spouse and it is easier to do this than deal with the marriage problems.

Very often in this relationship the parent will share things with the child that should never be said. I have a very close relative that this happened to. Their same sex parent told them all about their sex like with their other parent. I'm surprised they got their own life and got married, but I'm glad they did.

All can be gotten out of with effort and the help of a therapist. But like those above they have to hit a point of desperation that something needs to change and they are not sure what.

There is a book about the partner child. Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners by Adams.

I'm not sure this analysis helps that much practically, but maybe it gives you soe perspective as to what is going on and why he can't just snap out of it.

I wish you the very best. Do keep in touch.

Pollygolightly,,

People like your husband's mother want to be the center of their adult/children's universes, and they work hard to achieve that. They don't respect other relationships like spouses and want to come before a spouse, before children, and before your health. They groom their son or daughter from childhood to be kept in line and in toe with F.O.G., fear, obligation and guilt, the tools or professional emotional blackmail. We do have an informative thread here about emotional. It sounds like she is very strong in the power and ways of the F.O.G.

Next, I'll cover the 4 types of MEMs.

Pollygolightly,

BTW, did you read my earlier post on this thread from Mar 8, 2015?

I'm sorry to read of your plight with a husband who sounds like a mom enmeshed man. Such a man finds it impossible to put honoring his wife first as you are experiencing. You did not make this happen. You can't control it. And by yourself, you can't fix it. The only thing you really can do is to put yourself on a healthy path and maybe or maybe not he will see the light.

He somewhat reminds me of one MEM who was hear recently whose wife left him for basically the same reasons you are contemplating doing the same. It did sound like from the last we heard of him that he had seen the light and things were on the way to healing in his marriage. Not too far after that, there was a wife here sharing that her MIL was just too much and very intrusive but her husband would not or could not stand up to his mom. We have not idea where that ended but the direction it was last in was not good. A good while back there was a wife dealing with her MEM (mother enmeshed man). What saved them was getting into therapy together, he stood up to his narcissistic mom and they held their boundaries although he did slip a little.

There is a book for wives of MEMs, When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment

Following this post, I'll post about the mother who enmeshed her child which can be done with sex.

I'm also going to share about several types of MEM's which do overlap. You may see your husband in one or more of those types.

I would most definitely see a therapist to help you with boundaries and consequences one of which may indeed mean leaving the home.

Love, prayers and cyber hugs!

Our stressful situation is we have been caregivers to his mother in his home for 5 years. He won't place her in care though her needs far exceed what we can manage. The recent post about enmeshment applies here. We do have help and she goes away to day programs some days, but I'm about done - because his stress lands on me. With his anger/denial/mamma's issues I think I'm out of my depth. All the family and friends think the situation has become ridiculous. I am thinking of moving out of her home, because of the above, and because my resentment of her makes it too much to bear. Also I need my own time and space as my life and work are active and busy. I feel hubby should be making the marriage the priority, but because he isn't I have to take care of myself at least. Any thoughts?

Sometimes there are enmeshment issues between a spouse and a parent. These are compounded if the parent was abusive when the adult child was little. This only adds to the glue of enmeshment because of the desire to find a way to make their elderly parent be the loving parent that they never were and never will be although they think they will be the exception.

Whatever the specifics of the emotional enmeshment between the spouse and elderly parent, it blinds the person to their putting honoring their parent above honoring their marriage and themselves. This is made even more complicated if the person is convinced that this is what God wants them to do.

It is very painful to be married to someone who is emotionally enmeshed with a parent. It interferes with the sense of intimacy within the marriage because there is always this third person hovering in the background.

Senior care is such a noble task, but it can be very taxing on the caregiver. Like this article says, the caregivers social and family lives suffer. Balance is vital for them to not get jaded or frustrated with life. If these wonderful people can find a way to handle their lives while still watching over their elders, it is beneficial for them and their families.

Thanks for your wonderful commentary, cmagnum! I really like your point that caregiving isn't for weak marriages. It's been the end point of many. Your F.O.G. reference is also on target - as is your whole response. We all appreciate your input and support.
Take care,
Carol

I just typed my response a few moments ago and lost it.

Carol, this is a great article! Marriages are particularly vulnerable because the pressure cooker of caregiving causes the weakest area of the marriage to be exposed. When not addressed which often needs counseling either for the couple or for the individual, the marriage disintegrates. Caregiving is not only not for sissies, but it is not for weak marriages either.

More often than not, from what I've seen on this site over 4 or 5 years the problems mainly come from family of origin issues The most heartbreaking and difficult to deal with family or origin issue to deal with concerns the experience of abuse from a parent who has a personality disorder like narcissism or borderline Their learning curve about boundaries is an almost impossible task for some and is impossible for a few others, but we most love and support all without abandoning anyone or make them feel bad because they caved in one more time. This is where F.O.G., Fear, Obligation and Guilt blinds so many people for what is going on and renders them powerless. Thus, the children become at risk as the marriage becomes at risk and the other relationships seems to get lost in the crossfire as everything else goes down.

The other tragic lose that so often goes on is the loss of a career, a business, a home, one's health insurance, one's own retirement money invested for a future that disappears right before their very eyes which understandably fills them with fear about their own future incomes and housing because by the time their parent's die there is nothing or will be nothing left.

There are no easy answers to these problems, but society must find a way to address them as we now face the largest retiring population of baby boomers the USA has ever seen. Some baby boomers will not have the money they need to retire on or the mental and physical health as well as the housing they need to enjoy their retirement years because of the personal damage so many experience in caregiving.

Well that's my commentary on your fine article Carol with some of my perceptions form being on this site for 4 or 5 years.

Take care everyone. If you are still married, make sure mom or dad are safe and cared for, but also love the one you are with and everyone, please take care of yourself as much as that is possible.

Care taking shouldn't take over your life. I hope to never be a burden to my two girls. I lost my dad to kidney cancer after a 3 1/2 year battle and in the last 6 months of that I realized the mom I knew was gone, replaced by someone who could barely care for herself due to dementia. Now a year later she has good days and bad but still is not the mom I knew. I took a lot of time off when dad was still alive to help with dr visits and such. Work got increasingly neglected so I ended up taking an early retirement for my sanity, even though I cannot afford it. I'm so burnt out and want to go back to work to be able to plan for my own elder years and to get away from the caregiving. I've never had the opportunity to travel, unlike her. I had no idea that at 55 I was supposed to be the sole caretaker of an elderly mom. There are two or three beautiful assisted living facilities here. I think she'd enjoy being around other folks her age. It's her decision to make, not mine, unless she gets worse and can't live on her own. My husbands getting forgetful and I'm wondering if it will all be one long downhill. Can I run away?

I'm sorry to hear of your loss, Steviegirl. Your story is sad, but not unusual. Caregivers give up far more than most people will even know. The chances of new relationships outside of caregiving lasting are not great. It's healthy to try, but it takes two unique people to make it work.

Take care of yourself,
Carol

My boyfriend of 10 years couldn't do it anymore. Between the geographical distance between us and mom's descent into Parkinsons dementia, I let him go and he was relieved. He told friends of mine that he just "couldn't do it anymore with the mom and all" He thought I was mad at him or so he said.

I had fantasized that once mom was in a facility or her journey was over, we could just resume our lives together. Fantasies, that's all. As of this writing, mom's journey is not over and when it is, I'll just be lone. So sad.

Marriages, children, friends - they are all at risk. It's hard not to try to be everything to everyone and in the process we can end up being less than we wanted to be to anyone. Yet, we often don't feel we have many choices.

I often think about what I could have done or could now do differently and I really don't know. Most of us do the best we can at the time.
Take care, all of you. This whole thing can be gut wrenching.
Carol

I totally agree. In my ex' case, his dad wasn't even around to see him grow up, he was always gone but ex' feels he has an obligation to care for him and he's a pain in the a@@. Ex does everything for him except blow his nose. It broke up our marraige.

It is often difficult to balance elder care with other relationships. As the needs of the elder multiply, you need to use outside help if possible to attempt any type of balance. However, caring for an infant is intense and so to caring for an elder who is needy is intense. The difference is the infant will grow and should require less help with daily needs whereas the elder will have their abilities to care for themselves diminish over time. One gets stronger, one does not.

I would try to keep relationships going with spouses and children but they normally will outlive the elder. The elder needs help now not later. The urgency of their needs takes priority in the short run (5-10 yrs). If you have a spouse who is needy or who you have waited on hand and foot--good luck with changing him or her. The could show their love for you by stepping up and helping with the care of your parents their inlaws, but if they are self centered--good luck with that. I would not drive my self crazy trying to help a spouse who can manage and forsake the parent who can not. Perhaps a placement would help free you up but if you love your parent you will have the poa and still need to be available for him/her. So you will still be involved.

At 85+ yrs, parents come to the front burner of urgency of help, they just do.
To think otherwise isn't realistic. A spouse who should be able to care for him/her self just needs to step up. Don't drive yourself crazy with worry that you are failing this one or that one. When the parent is dead, you will have time to
care for those who don't really need that much care. But if you make the parent's last years happy and peaceful, you have given them a gift and your children and grandchildren will know that they too have a responsibility for elder care at some point. It isn't a burden but an opportunity if done out of love.

Great article....The line, "...they don't recognize what they are demanding of the caregiver"...resonates. Also the idea of "feeling torn" by the needs of elderly parent and husband, and trying to balance out both. It sometimes feels like guilt is a constant companion.

there seems to be an inference it the husband is supportive, marriage is ok, no stress. but if husband is not supportive, lots of stress, marriage not ok. i am a husband who is supportive. we take care of wife's 88yr old mother with stage 6 dementia. past 18 months has significantly effected marriage relationship. care-giving is stressful, period. certainly supportive spouses help as well as supportive family members.. and it's not enough to extinguish stress. and care-giving also impacts one's health. there is not enough time in any one day to meet the needs, the basic needs of everyone involved.

care-giving is demanding, challenging, rewarding, joyful, sad, energizing, fatiguing, it's all of life, turned up to a higher wattage. and the bulb stays on, until the care-giving is over.

respectfully, thomas

bmorehappy, I know what you mean about parents not wanting you to d well. My mom and dad, both, didn't want to be "shown up" by me so they did not encourage me to go t colege but they MADE my brothers go. I did go, but they let me just to humor me. They basically had the attitude that I'd never make anything of myself. When I did, there was jealousy, big time on my mom's part. If I started talking about my job she would either shoot me down or change the subject. And, no, we are not Italian.

I have been a caregiver for my mom since 2008 when she had her heart attack. Well really more so since last year, when my mom had broken her hip. Her hip has not fully healed yet according to her doctor. I had to break my apartment lease within a month before it had expired last year when she had to be place into a assisted nursing facility to watch over my dad who didn;t give a crap about her. I had given up my career and my friends. As days go by, I feel more resentful than ever because now I am stuck in the house doing stuff around the house (Laundry, cleaning, making breakfast lunch, yard work, gardening, dinner etc) My dad takes his walking stick every morning and taps on my door to wake me up and it really gets on my nerves. I haven't done anything nice for myself in a long while. I have no money in the bank and my mom blames me. She doesn't understand that I had given everything up. My credit has suffered. I have two judgements against me by credit card companies. My father's best friend told me the other that my father and mother is so lucky to have me around or they would not have been able to survive. I just rolled my eyes when he said this to me. I told him you have no idea what I had to give up to care for them! My brother, I love him dearly but he doesn't bother to help. He is always working or hanging out with his friends at parties, cookouts, and watching football at the local pub. No one invites me to anything anymore. I use to be very social and politically active in my community. My friends and acquaintances complain that all I talk about is cleaning up after mom and dad, cooking and other caregiver stuff. I really look like hell. Tonight was the first time that I had dyed my hair in six months and it felt good. Friday, I was invited by a friend of mine to help him with his alderman campaign for upcoming city elections. I have explained to him that it will be hard for him to help because I have to cook for my family since mom cannot do much like she use to and Dad doesn't believe it is his job to cook because he is a man. My friend kind of given me the guilt trip. Listen to this, I had to ask permission from my mom whether if I can help my friend and have dinner with our mutual friends. I felt like I was back in grammar school where I had to get permission from mom and dad to go out to play. I am 45 years old for God's sake, it shouldn't be this way. Well, mom says it was okay however she always say well I don't expect you to stop your life but she really does. I am going to fix my hair, put on make up and wear something casual. Mom told me tonight that my brother had applied for a job 35 miles away from us which didn't go very well with our father. My mom says that if he does get this job, he will not be able to visit or spend the night anymore. His potential job requires him to be on the road all the time. Mom says 'well your father really doesn't like you or your brother to do well because it will interfere with caring for us.' Then my mom claims that she has never stopped my brother and I from pursuing what we want for ourselves which is a lot of BS. Deep down she doesn't want me to do anything with my life. It is an Italian cultural thing, where relatives frown up those who does better than them. So it in a nutshell, it is okay for the male in the Italian american culture to do his thing. On the otherhand, it is the daughter who has to sacrifice career, social life etc. I had hurt my back two week ago because I had to help my father haul brick to build a wall in our yard. I had started to work out a month ago but this brick project had me stop working out but my father doesn't care. I am so tired of being a martyr. I am so sorry to vent.

I totally understand alicemb. I am my mother's caregiver. I have one brother who lives across the country, has control of Mom's finances and can be here physically when his work permits. My husband is not supportive and resentful. Of course my brother wants me there more days a week and my husband fewer. I am caught in the middle, I just want to run away!

It is nice to speak of finding a "balance" for a social life as a single, sole caregiver. It doesn't happen, the balance I found was finding time to work a full time job and read while the elder slept. Treating myself to dinner and movie with a friend cost me about $150.00 for a home health aide to "do the night shift". The economics make such times few and far between. If you are the solo act of caregiver, you can't call upon a brother or sister to spell you for some time out. After a period of time the new reality of your life becomes normal and you just go with it. When it was over, I was glad I took the time for the elder--satisfied that if I could handle all of his demands, there isn't much I can't do.

However, you need to want to do it--otherwise resentment would surely set in with the physical exhaustion which is unavoidable.
Liz

This is very helpful. As they say on the plane, you must first put on your own oxygen mask! Sometimes it feels like you give and give and it is an empty void that you are trying to fill. I heard someone speak about this. Your elder had their life and you should be living yours. I have started to set limits. My parents do not like this, but they would have me there 24 hrs/day neglecting everyone else. I have had to put a stop to it, because I am the only family member that cares for them. I have gotten some help from elder care. My elderly want to be in control, and if they are asking for my assistance, I do what I can, but not at the cost of my family. I will not neglect them, but I cannot be abused, or I will have nothing left for anyone else.

My boyfriend moved back into his parents' house to help his dad take care of his mother who was dying of cancer. She died 10 years ago. His dad is 94 and has mild dementia and really shouldn't stay alone, so he still lives there and takes care of his dad. His dad is very possessive of him and whenever I come over he cuts him down in front of me as well as behind his back. He tells friends and family what a terrible person he is whenever we go out on a date, which is only once a week. His dad has made sure of that. His dad will only LET him see me on Saturday nights after 4pm. My boyfriend is 52 years old and I am 46. He will not stand up to his dad. His dad even insists on going on our dates with us sometimes! We had to literally RUN out of the house one time, hop in the car and speed away in order for him to not go with us. I don't mind him going once in a while, but he gets tired quickly and we end up cutting our date short to take him home. He is an only child, so getting help is almost impossible. And, his dad refuses to let anyone else stay with him or take care of him. He thinks he doesn't need it, yet he wants his son there 24/7. We have been seeing eachother for 2 years and nothing has changed as far as how often we are allowed to see each other. I feel that it took us much longer to get to know each other because we see each other so seldom. He has never been married. I think his mother was possessive of him too and didn't want him to date. Plus he worked 6 or 7 days a week 2nd shift in his late 20's and 30's. Now his father has him and doesn't want to let go.... And he feels an obligation to him, which I understand to a certain point. He's too 'with it' to be put in a nursing home. but not 'with it' enough to live alone. He has his son wrapped around his finger and I'm just about at wits end. I want us to have a life together but nothing is going to happen unless something hapens with his dad. Either he gets so bad that he needs nursing home care, or he passes away. He has so much as told me that he wishes his dad would just die.... I feel bad for him, but I wish he would stand up to him more.