Howardsway123, I'm so sorry. These things tear apart families. I would think that it should depend on when she told him to take it. If it was recent, the system should have been able to say that he had no right. If it was years ago, then there's no way of knowing. Either way, it's horribly unfair. My sympathy.
Carol

My brother took over £350,000 from our elderly aunt who suffers with dementia. The police were called, he admitted taking the money, but said she had told him to take it. Because she was unable to give evidence, the police would not charge him. There was no power of attorney. No faith in the systems.

I'm so sorry that you have to have this happen, but you will see that there's a lot of support here.

We understand that these comments from your mother are one of the most cutting things that can happen to a caregiver. We do our best and then our loved one is paranoid and thinks we are lying or stealing.

Please keep coming back so that we know how you're doing.
Carol

My mother who has mild dementia has moved in with me recently. For the most part she is fine and we get along, but sometimes, something sets her off and I'm/my brother are accused of lying, stealing, etc. Sometimes it feels so hurtful I end up in tears. I am so glad I found this forum; it has brought insight into the disease and how it affects caregivers. I hope, I know, this is going to help me provide better care for her and help me deal with whatever comes next. Thanks for sharing.

My cousin, who has significant dementia, has always lied when it suited her and she still does. I think it's odd how even with her impaired memory and reduced comprehension of events, she still knows how to manipulate by lying. It's unreal. I call her on it at times and other times I ignore it. I am selective in the lies I respond to. I wonder if she really believes her lies now.

I'm so sorry that you have to be involved in something so painful. It's hard to say what you could do differently.

You already said it best when you said that your sister couldn't reason with your mother. Reasoning with someone who has dementia doesn't work. They can't "reason." Since your mother seems to trust your sister, you may have to leave it like that and accept that you won't have much of a relationship with your mother. This is hard to accept but sometimes there's no choice.
We're thinking of you.
Carol

My mother accused me of taking my laundry to her house which is 100 miles away and ( I have a washer and dryer at my house) taking her clothes and leaving mine. So to get even she took the clothes she thought were mine, put them in a box in from of her house and put free on the box. She even called the police and had them make a report saying I took her clothes. My mother weighs 95 pounds I weigh about 150. Then she accused me of breaking in her house during the night while she and my dad were sleeping and taking her purse. She has an alarm system
dead bolt locks and a cocker spaniel dog that barks at me when I would stop to see them..She had a police report done on her purse and the police called me about it. I told them to call my sister since she is the one who takes care of them. She would not let me over so I could see my dad for a year and a half. It wasn't till my sister put them in a retirement home I could finally see him. He passed away three months later. My brother died before my dad. The funeral home was only 2 miles from their home but she didn't go or arrange for my dad to be able to go to his funeral. She doesn't have a problem going to my sisters kids soccer games. My sister is caught in the middle. When she tried to reason with her showing her that her purse wasn't gone she had misplaced it. She said that if my sister didn't believe her she was not welcome either.









he passed away three months later.




















how

It is just awful when your mother accuses others of stealing her belongings, but it is devastating when the blame is placed on you. My 90 year old mother believes that I have stolen a bank paper and photo from her, and even though both have been found, she insists that I "come clean". She claims I stole them and put them back. Yesterday she called the police to her home and then got her neighbors to phone her lawyer. She gave the police my name and had her lawyer inform me that she was changing the locks, removing my name from her papers and having someone being appointed guardian. By evening she said that she was "so nervous that she was going crazy" and she was going to call the lawyer and police and tell them that everything was fine. She called her neighbors and said that she found the papers. Today she still claims that she won't do anything but she still wants me to "come clean". Her behavior is really heartbreaking. I won't admit to something that I did not do, but I am worried that she will incriminate me or her neighbors will have me falsely arrested. No one else knows her behavior and they just say hello on the phone or in passing so they believe that she is fine. It is really sad that I, her only child (daughter) the person who has cared for her for the past eight years (shopping, doctors, my dad's illness and death, etc.) is now viewed as a "thief", while her neighbors, who never bothered with her are trusted.

Last time I visit my Mom she announces someone took my hat! Her hat had fallen behind her TV.

I have had similar times with my father who has had dementia for two years. However, because I'm the only daughter taking care of him my siblings were hearing from him (they live in other states) that I was stealing from him. All of his accusations were proven to be untrue. The tricky part is getting others to believe that he has dementia. Despite a doctor's diagnosis and many delusions they still were unsure because he has always been in so much control. Though they believe it now they are afraid to let him know that he has dementia. I don't agree with this approach at all; not telling a very intelligent person what his or her diagnosis is reminds me of families that keep a cancer diagnosis from the patient. The patient has not lost their intelligence, they have a disease. Giving them a name for what is happening to them allows them to understand it better and can provide relief after the denial period wanes. Yes, they will forget but repeated reminders about them having a disease also allows them to ease into dependency without so much loss of dignity.

Ya all got no idea how horrible I feel to see this happening to my beloved Grandmother. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. My partner and I moved to the city in 2000. As my Grandparents wintered here they followed in 2004. Thru the years, we'd always been each other's rock in an extremely dysfunctional family. I always managed to maintain a balance between work, my life and their life, making sure the lawn was mowed and the sprinklers worked. I thought the worst had hit a few years back, when she had to have a knee replacement. That was hell on earth, or so I'd thought . . . I was there faithfully morning and night for physical therapy as I vowed she would not walk with a limp . . . I was the only one that could push her to the limit and bring her to tears . . . she never complained. I believe it was a month after her knee surgery that my Grandfather was diagnosed with Multiple-Meyloma. That was something I had both of them down. I begged and pleaded with my family to call and offer support of simply talking about something that was happening in their lives to take their minds off of what was happening in ours. That was a disaster . . . I was able to shoulder it alone. If I recall correctly, in all that time I only missed 2 Dr. appointments because someone was visiting and I could take a break. My Grandfather ended up with Lung and Liver Cancer in addition to the Meyloma and the treatments for both counteracted one another. To watch this very strong man be so very frail, I thought broke my heart. They were able to return home for one last summer in 2009. Just when I thought what could happen next, my life with my partner ended due to his dishonesty and obvious financial stupidity . . . relatively unimportant in the scheme of things. While they were away for the summer, it was as thou my life had exploded entirely over their world. It was so devistating that my brother had to come help me. I don't know what I would have done had it not been for him. At that time, once I had gained my feet back under me, it was like a burden had been lifted from my shoulders, my purpose no longer included taking care of my own affairs. I became their sole care givers 1000%. No mind you that divorce is such a bitch that you lose many, what one would consider near and dear friends. Some how, I was able to reach out and volunteer at the community center and rebuild my life while maintaining 48+ hr work week and being primary care giver to my Grandparents. My Grandfather passed away the end of December 2009. OMG, the man was in such pain and she was in absolute denial, she wouldn't give him his pain medication as she didn't want him to become addicted . . . really, WTF! He and I had a routine and I was the only one he would ask . . . the last couple weeks of December were the most difficult . . . I thought I'd killed him with the liquid morphine . . . guess it was just enough that his body relaxed and his soul slipped out. After his death, it took all that I had to bring her back around. I knew that I was in over my head and asked for help from everyone that would listen. I only got her to go out on two occasions. I was able to bring her back enough to be able to go home and visit for the summer. Now, mind you this was a very much needed break for me. And my summer break was mostly spending time in the Garden and doing yard work. There is such a beauty in nature and an overwhelming peace. The beginning to the current state of affairs was when she returned in August. It was a simple little thing. She couldn't find her rubber band stretchy thing that she used to do her knee exercises. I honestly could not tell you if she had taken it with her and left it somewhere or what. Immediately, she thought that my Best Friend's kids must have taken it. I told her, are you kidding me, that's crazy, they haven't even been here. Nope, couldn't convince her any different. Then it went to Grandpa's watch was missing . . . there, again, I've got no clue where she put it. I do remember telling her that where she had it was probably not the best place to keep it, my bloody mistake. She was trying to give it to me at the time and I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but I don't even wear a watch. Even if I were to wear a watch, that's not my style. So, then my friends must have stolen the damn watch. Here we go, again . . . the kids are stealing, my friends are stealing . . . and ain't nobody been there unaccounted for . . . these things simply did not happen. This all went round and round . . . talk about an emotional roller coaster. Let me tell you, all hell broke lose on March 2 of this year . . . it was my day off, she asked me if I wanted to go the the Nursery to get Seaweed for the yard . . . I was thrilled she wanted to get out and do something. She even wanted to go to Michael's to get new silk flowers for this hideous old lady floral arangement . . . I thought how fabulous. It wasn't 5 minutes later, and she was accusing me of being a thief, a liar and I must be on drugs. Where in the hell did that come from???? I lost it, I had to leave, I instantly began searching for an apartment . . . that was the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. Those three words still have one hell of a sting to them . . . are you kidding me, thief, liar, drugs . . .WOW? I was and am so terribly hurt to think that this woman that I adore and have unconditionally loved my whole life could think such things and talk such crap. The only positive thing that's come of it is a mended relationship with my Mother. Everyone else is in denial and thinks oh, there's gotta be something wrong with me. All I have to say is that they haven't been here and they haven't seen what I see. It scares me even more to see how vulnerable she is . . . I can't even go check on her because I've been branded . . . cast aside like some piece of rubbish. And my own fear and anxiety of what her imagination will conjure. This one threw me for quite the loop, she keeps talking crap and in the same breath tells everyone that I can come back, if only I apologize. Apologize for what, I have done nothing wrong, but try to help. It worries me, beyond all words, that she was at my ex's, last Saturday. I don't know if she was invited by him, which is alarming, because he'd be the one to take advantage of an ill gotten opportunity or if she just went there thinking I would be there. I do not know how to help my Grandmother and it breaks my heart that my hands are tied. I am scared for her and I am disappointed at the ignorance of the people in our lives. That's enough of this nonsense . . . I just had to vent. For anyone feeling this pain in your life, my prayers are with you. I sure do not know how to find peace with it . . . my only advice is do not ask what next . . .just sayin.

It's easy to say it would be the person with dementia, but, truth be told, you don't know for sure unless you have a hidden video camera in the room. One facility in my area just lost their license for abusive actions from their cna's.......

Im trying to find out if my mom has this disease. She bames me for steling her money and forgets everyday items. She also hears and sees things that arent happening. Ive tried getting her help but when we go she acts as nothing is wrong and Im the one with problems. She decided to go home and wont speak to me. How do I find out what this is she has. Your article sounds like her. But she wont let me get the help she needs. Please give me some ideas

I am very glad that I found this website....I am the youngest of 5....my Mother has declined drastically in the last few months....(memory

I'm glad you found out it was the medication. It could be she needs an adjustment again, or it could be the worsening of symptoms. Whatever it is, my heart goes out to you. I've been there.
Carol

Today my mom called and said 6 sweather were stolen from her room. She thinks it was the cleaning lady. We had a similiar problem last year. It turns out her medication at the time was depleteing her sodium level. She had been fine for almost a year

That is exactly the problem. There's no easy way to know. Don't blame yourself - you did what felt right at the time, and your thoughts were totally plausible.
I over-reacted once in a nursing home setting and got a guy in trouble when it was my dad's dementia talking. This CNA was an angel anyway, and what he did for my mother, after my dad died, was wonderful. It's just so hard to tell.

However, when in doubt, we need to do what we can to investigate. Visiting at odd times sometimes can help. It's good your mom had a roommate to tattle. It almost sounds as if they targeted your mom, or the roommate would have complained about her own treatment. That's really odd.

Good for you for taking action.
Carol

Yes, this is a dilema- however in my case with my mother (whose was in a nursing home), I didn't beleieve her when she told me they were mean to her and stealing things. i thought she was just trying to make me feel bad and i believed the staff when they put the blame on my mother. However, after 15 months my mother got a new roommate and that roommate told me they were mean to her. i pulled my mother out of that nursing home immediately and took care of her in my home. my mother died a year later- my biggest regret is that i didn't believe her and that i didn't rescue her sooner.

You're right about no easy answer, as the elder often doesn't want to give up the jewelry. My mother-in-law had a lovely diamond set, and I didn't even notice when it was gone, but somewhere it disappeared. I don't know if one of her kids took it home, or if it got lost or stolen, but I was asked about it, when she died. I'd forgotten she had it on when she went to the nursing home. It was a natural part of her. Her kids didn't visit often, so some employee may have thought she didn't have any family, even though I was there every day. But she lost weight, and the rings could have simply gotten lost.

Elders lose so many rights, that it's hard to say to someone, "Now that you are in a facility, you need to leave your rings in a safe place." They aren't likely to go for that. Yet, things do get stolen. It's a very difficult quandry. Like so many areas of elder care - there are no easy answers, and there is no one-size-fits-all solution.
Carol

This is so common among people with dementia! We have a woman right now at the assisted living place where I work that is telling other residents that her mothers ring has been stolen among other prized possessions. In actuality the son took these things home to keep them safe and she can't remember that. But I have also known of cases where things are actually stolen. It is devastating to a family to find out the heirloom ring that was to be handed down to the granddaughter is gone when the resident passes. I despise theft of any kind from vulnerable elders. The only thing the facilities can do is to do the background checks and be vigilant about following up when someone says something was stolen, dementia or not. Find out if that family member took that ring home for sure. And family needs to keep on eye on valuables, even getting a separate safe to put them in or take them home for safe keeping. There is no easy answer.

Leah - How wonderful to find you here! Folks, Leah is a gifted writer, and she has the insight of having vascular dementia and what it's like to live with this. You will love her posts, and they will help you understand another side of these events. Leah is one of the bravest and most helpful people I've ever known. She was - and is - a terrific educator.

Carol

Denise, I came close to where you went! I was accused, as well, when my mother got everything she wanted. It's so scary. You know you are innocent, but with people protecting vulnerable elders (as they should), sometimes you are guilty until proven innocent. That's why I advise people repeatedly to keep good records. That helps immensely.

Take care,
Carol

My Mom started accusing me of stealing from her bank accounts when I started taking care of her, after my Dad Passed away. She would tell EVERYONE I was stealing. I was turned into Adult Protective services! Of course, I was not guilty, she just was not getting the same retirement money she got when Dad was living. I had to make a budget for her to show her excatly what her bills are and what her income is. And update and explain her checkbook often. I still have the budget on hand so she can see it all in black and white. Adult Protective services dropped the case, but still might check up. Thanks MOM.:) (Jokingly)

I loved this blog, Carol. I can relate to some of it myself. I know how important a belonging can be. I know how frustrating it is when it is not where I expect it to be. My husband will sometimes get my phone out of my purse or get my gameboy to recharge them (since I cannot remember to do it.) Whenever I go to use either of these things and they are not where they should be, I panic. "What could I have done with them? Where could I have left them? How will I ever find them?" Never do I think, 'Oh, Bill must have taken it to be recharged..." No, I never remember to think that! I know how good it feels to where a special piece