I love the last paragraph about detachment. Thank you. It's exactly what I needed to hear today.

Great article! I have watched so many older loved ones lose interest in activities or simply not know what to do with themselves as they age.

I wish people would remember who the “new generation seniors” are!! We were the social activists and long-haired rockers of the 50s and 60s! You kids, medics and Social Activity Directors still stereotype us as the doddering old codgers you watch in old tv re-runs!

You quote that EXTREMELY offensive line re “being a child twice, infantilize us and treat us accordingly. WE MARCHED WITH DR KING! You shove us in asst living and your mouths hang open, bemused, when we turn our noses up at your dorky social calendars. We invented the term ROCK CONCERT! We pioneered video arcades and X-Box! Yet you offer us dorky bingo and bridge games, shuffleboard and singalongs to church hymns and Stephen Foster. My landbound cruise director refused when we tried to start a D&D group, and my room isn’t big enough for all of us who want to play. Let me stay in my room with the Stones and Led Z cranked up on my headphones, please.

You treat us like recalcitrant children. You give us 8:30 bedtimes and turn the lights off when we resist.

You buy us clothes you wouldn’t be caught dead in and don’t understand why WE don’t like them. (Didn’t you EVER notice I wore Levis instead of Mom Jeans?) When we do get to go shop the bus heads straight for Nerds R Us stores. You bring me baggy knit slacks, ugly pullovers and boxy flats. You and the carers won’t shut up about cutting my long hair in a “fashionable“ “easier to care for” style. I know one day you’ll do it anyway when I’m older and too weak to fight you anymore.

We all miss our beloved pets. They aren’t allowed here, you know. At least you had the decency to keep my elderly cat instead of dumping her in a shelter, like most of our kids do, but you didn’t let me be there to cradle her in my arms as she died.

You introverts complained when teachers tried to “fix” you by enforced mingling, yet you’re doing the very same to us. You forget the times we called you in sick on Field Day and warred with your principal over your piercings.

You preach the virtues of volunteer work, forgetting we did more than our share when we were younger - and while holding down full-time jobs. 50 years in the workforce was more than enough for some of us, especially when we don’t even get paid.

You gripe because WE gripe. We aren’t “fun to be around.” Neither were you, chickies, sometimes for years. We helped when we could and gave you space if that was what you needed. We’d appreciate the same.

Some of us believe we’ve lived full lives. Still more of us are disabled, know we’re only going to get worse - and more dependent - and would rather avoid aggressive treatment aimed at extending a decreased quality of life. You ignore our wishes, deem us incapable of making major decisions, and bundle us off to doctors and/or procedures we already told you we don’t want “for our own good.” Some docs medicate us just because we’re old. I didn’t want uppers during the Stoner Era, don’t want ‘em now.

Someday your kids will do all this to you. Too bad we won’t be here to say we tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen....or respect.

Mbhirst, does your mother play an instrument? Does she like to read to others? Does she like to visit with others? I would think this would make her a popular visitor in nursing homes or hospitals?

How to tie fleece blankets together for pet rescues/shelters or hospitalized children. youtube.com/watch?v=87qwwsfRBa8

Thornbybirth, I think you have to be involved in his activities to keep him moving. My father will exercise and will walk with me to do things. Even a 15 minute walk around his apartment and/or building is helpful to keep those legs working and the blood circulating, according to the PTs. The first 5 minutes are the hardest. We go get the mail, stop off and shoot the breeze with the receptionist, go out for lunch, drive around to check out new buildings, construction or houses for sale, visit a friend, visit a hobby shop, go to a movie theater, go to community musicals. The senior center has never worked out for him but many seniors make it a part of their day, especially if he likes to play cards or other social games. Do you think he could handle a Wii?

Mbhirst, a friend's mother used to wrap candy for another friends fledgling business. Stuffing envelopes, tying blankets are also things that can be done by feel. Holding babies under supervision. Many volunteer activities can be broken up into smaller tasks. Probably needs to be done partnering with a caregiver in a relaxed setting so she can quit when she gets tired and move at her own pace. I'll try to think of more.

I meant how do I keep him from not sitting all day.

Does anyone have ideas for volunteer opportunities for a blind 87 yr. old woman? She is mentally very sharp and needs purpose in her life. It would be good for her to "help" others in any way. We have not been able to find appropriate opportunities. Any suggestions?

So true. I also think some with dementia are uncomfortable in situations where they are not sure what to do. Hence, they will attend activities with the caregiver but not alone.

My father is retried Vet. He complains all the time. He refuses adult care, therpy and the bathing. He limits my bathing and cleaning as well. He thinks it is a waste to shower. With water running out. He loves to argue and thinks he can do everything his self. I moved in 2 years ago. Quit my job, sold my things and came to take care of him. He has declined mentally quite a bit. The shows he once watched he know longer likes. He sits and stares at the tv and out the window. He has spine issues, epilepsy now and cognitive problems. How do you keep him sitting all day?

Of course her life is meaningful. Just because a person can't be the same as they were before their illness doesn't make her life meaningless.

It's the first article I've read on this topic. I don't have much to say about it, pro or con. I'll be interested to see what others are saying.

Her mind is good on an everyday basis,but not to remember names or events. She knows what she wants to say,but she can't express it so I think this may frustrate her. Thank you for the suggestion.

Poor thing! How about crossword puzzles you do together. Discuss the clues and so on and you do the writing down.

She has parkensons as well as scoliosis so her breathing and voice are very weak.

Does she like to sing?

My mom has very limited mobility and I keep looking for activities I can do with her to keep her busy. Any suggestions?

Thank you for your advice , Unfortunately he refuses to meet people he doesen't already know. However your comment did help because it set me thinking on the right lines. I decided to take advantage of the 'Cheap rate ' phone calls, now I have him happily chatting away to any of our relatives I can rope in to spend time on the phone each weekend. He has something to look forward to and I have an hour or so of relaxation.

Can you find any Interfaith Volunteers to come over and visit with him for a short time once a week? Undoubtedly he needs the stimulus of another person. Does your state have an Area Agency on Aging? They might have some suggestions.

My 89yr old husband suffers from short term memory loss. He is crippled and, on doctors orders, cannot go out. Our old friends have deserted us, and I'm at my wits end trying to occupy him. He cannot use a p.c.. Doesen't like drawing, reads occasionally but finds it tiring. Not much interest in food either. Can't, or wont, do puzzles. I've suggested ball games, radio, and 'people watching' through the window, all have met with a "No". Can anyone else suggest anything I could try please.

Have a similar issue -- wanting to help an elderly parent who had to move into assisted living because of health and some memory issues. Also has social anxiety and difficulty motivating herself to go out of the room. She happily does not complain that much but I do think she could benefit from a "job" of sorts and I would LOVE for this group to mutually develop safe and sane ideas of things that could be done independently or with others. Greatly needed topic, happy to know I am not alone. When I visit my parent, I see folks who are out in the lounge area but I think there are many others who don't leave their rooms. What can we do?

So true, thank you!

sanderk1, When considering our roles, my husband who is an executive director of a nursing facility, compassionately reminds some people on occassion that we are twice a child, once an adult. For almost all of us it relates to our physical dependence on others for help, and for some of us our mental capacities.

Sometimes we have to do what we know is right for our parents, knowing it will tick them off. But believing that once they get to the other side, they will realize we did what we thought was best.

I wish you the best of luck in this ordeal.

PCVS & LyricaLady: Thank you so much for your insight, I have never really thought about it like that. Your comments tie in with each other and will be a big help in my understanding and compasion. I had been realting to my Mom as a child still and because she is in good health, I have failed to realize she is elderly and not able to function like she did when she was young. She could very well be hiding her decreasing mental capacity and blaming it on not having her glasses etc... Your comments are very appreciated.
Breitone2: Sounds like my mom and your mom would get along great, as long as we took them to the casino! It is all my mom has any interest in, and she has lost her lifes savings over the years and that is part of the reason she moved in with me. I take her once a month for 4 hours and that is it. She doesn't like it, but knows I am firm with that and she looks forward to her monthly trip. It is so boring to me, and then if she loses money she will be depressed for days after, and broke all month... but what to do when that is the only thing in life they enjoy?

Sounds like she either has a gambling problem (addiction) or is not a fully functioning adult. She needs some kind of therapy because taking her to the casino is not really beneficial to either of your health. This may sound odd from me, but I don't think you should cave in. Some of these family events are important milestone events and should not be missed just for some trek to a casino - which is there all the time. Perhaps your mother does not understand this. Or perhaps she simply doesn't care. If it's the latter then you need to stand firm. If it's the former, then you need to find some way to make her feel better about your not being able to take her (for whatever reason that will make sense to her).

At least that's my opinion. How you react really does depend, to a certain extent, what your mother is capable of understanding.

This is the latest. Last night at about 9pm Mom called me to ask what I was doing in the morning. I told her I would be cooking as my husband, daughter and her husband are going to my sister in law's for my nieces' graduation party. Earlier I had invited mom to go with us. She said that she wanted to go to the casino. I told her we could take her but then how would she get home? She kind of left the answer up to me. I then told her that I did not think she should be asking all the family members to take her to the casino all the time. She got furious with me, screaming how she gives us all gifts, and we get to do whatever we want to do, and that my son in law (who currently is looking for a job and working side jobs) should be happy to get the $20 she gives him to take her to the Casino.... (keep in mind he stays with her at least 4 hours). She then hung up on me. This week my husband and I offered to take her to Olive Garden, out for ice cream, trip to dollar store, Walmart, Penneys, lunch, our home, whatever, and this graduation party, and she refused saying she is too sick to go.
I have a heavy heart now and feel ike maybe I should just take her to the casino as that is the only think that makes her happy.
She doesn't care to be with the family. She really doesn't. Also, everything is all about her!

Wow, this thread really hit home. My Mom is 76, lives with me and my husband, and has been declining gradually ever since 2001 when she had a huge cardiac surgery that started her down the road with Multi-infarct (vascular) dementia from the micro clots that went to her brain. I have always been irritated with her because she would not try to make friends easily , even when she was younger and still working, and always said "I'm not a joiner." Her husband (my Dad) and her sister , both now deceased, were the two people in her world that she planned to have as her sole companions until she died.... and since they are no longer here in her world, she clings to me and my brothers as her only source of companionship and it made me a little crazy-!!! Actually A LOT CRAZY !!! I was feeling like she really expects me to come and sit with her all night and watch TV with her, and always had to come home and cook dinner for her and eat with her. I have had to stop and really talk to myself ........my resentment was building and I was always irritated with her , and she could feel it. I felt inside like I was still 10 years old, and I had to please my mother (old dynamics that have long since passed, but reared their ugly heads again) because she was now living with me. She was always "the Mom", and I am "the kid", even though it's my home and my family , and my kitchen, but she was still the one in my mind that I was letting "rule the roost" out of old patterns and habits. I had to really stop it and work at being conscious of the pattern and change the framework for myself. Then, once I was able to walk in my adult shoes in my own home, I was able to see what I could not see before.... my mother as an elder, with her limitations and her strengths.... She was always covering her dementia and her fear of new situations so well before because I was not looking at her as she really is...I saw the Mom from years ago. It makes it so much easier to help her now, by detaching from that image I have carried of her for so long, and see her as she is now, the childlike parts coming out more, and the "getting simple"-- this is all part of the new person she is becoming. I have always loved elderly people because they can be so charming in their simplicity --- but I could never allow myself to see my mother in that light and learn to love her that way too. It's easier now... and better for both of us, now that I have come to know her as my elderly mother ....instead of the strong, domineering "mom" of my youth. I actually like her better this way, because she still loves me....and I her, and it's sweeter now because she needs me and I can help her. I can also walk away and refuse "play" with the guilt and the fear that she is not happy and that I have to fix that for her. She has chosen what she wants, and it is not for me to fix it, because Dad and Aunt Helen are dead. I still have to be me.

PCVS, I appreciate your comments and your perspective is helpful. I just came back from my mom's place and she cried to me about two people that live there that she thought were her friends, were heard criticizing my mother and they were reportedly telling others not to go near my mom. It hurts her deeply. She can't get over it and wants to move out now. She doesn't want to leave her room or go down for dinners.
I guess it's time to get another fun poker game together to get her mind off things.