To Jackielynn I just read your entry about the Mother's day card. All these years I would do that. Trying to find a card.and always knowing I wasn't the only one on the world that had to go thru that, but to actually see your words, that so hit my heart. thank you!

Very good article! I live in Houston, Tx. Retired nurse. I'm 64 had to retire because of fibromyealgia and mainly I am now the caregiver for my 81 yr old mom. And we are both on limited income. My son moved back home from California to help me. This is a true blessing! My Mom more or less abandoned me. My greta-grandmother and aunt took me in and raised me.Mother never called. Maybe 2 or 3 times a year and never was aquainted with my son. And then---what a wonderful daughter and grandson she has. She is in total denial- had open heart surgery about 2 months ago. No need for me to go into the long story- actually I don't even have the energy to do so. My health is now being affected- my son's life is kind of on hold at the minute. It was a good thing when I saw this web-site. I was thinking about finding a support group to physically to go to-but then with the time and energy thing- most likely the cyber way would be the best.
being a nurse and then being on the other end is un believeable. But I was always aware of the fact what all parties were going thru- my patients and everyone involved. But reality bites when you are there!

Exactly. Those memories will come back at the most inconvient times, and we can shame ourselves over things in our past that we couldn't control, and we certainly can't do over - even it we could have controlled it. I'm happy for you that you married into a "functional" family, and that you are smart and on-top of things, so you know old feelings will try to control some of what you feel now. Just keep doing your best, acknowledge the feelings and move on. That, and your own wisdom, will keep you moving forward.
Take care,
Carol

Carol, I loved the idea of greeting cards for "dysfunctional families". I happened to marry into a non-dysfunctional family and, for 20 some years have felt the salt in old wounds on an almost daily basis. This is all due, I am sure, to comparing family dynamics and realizing mine didn't measure up. Amazing how those wounds run so deep and, just when we think we have ourselves under control, baam, we're back to square one. I surely am a "work in progress" or a "very slow learner". Either way, life is just putting one step in front of the other and doing our very best on any particular day.

Finding a Mother's Day card, or anniversary card, or whatever, when you feel you must get something but you are trying to be non-commital and impersonal, is so un-Hallmark. It's really hard. I didn't have that with my parents, but I did have such a situtation in my life, and it's awful.

"Hmmm, how do we get through this day without violence, Mom?" I haven't seen too many of those...

It's kind of like the "Merry Christmas" problem, when everyone is supposed to be happy, happy, happy, and we're - shall we say conflicted?

I'm glad you finally found something that works. I've thought some of us should get together and start a "cards for dysfunctional families" business. We'd be a huge success - sad to say.

You'll get through the day, but it won't be easy, as you know. We're thinking of you.
Carol

Has anyone out there been shopping for a Mother's Day card? It took me an hour to find a totally impersonal

Boundaries are important. I wasn't good with them, as a caregiver. I learned, during the later years, that I had to set some boundaries, or I'd be the sick one. I still wasn't great, but gradually, I learned to do better.

I speak and write about these issues often, because many people feel guilty or "not included" as caregivers talk of their beloved elders. It feels like everyone is from a close-knit, loving family. I generally tell people that functional and family rarely belong in the same sentence. Most families have issues. Obviously, some are far harder to handle than others.

All of you wonderful people, take care of yourselves. You'll do what is best and necessary. Get counseling and/or join a support group if you are feeling guilt or if you fee isolated. There are many caregivers will to give their time to help you along this path.
Carol

My heart goes out to all of you. Caring for these people is toxic to us. I'm learning to put boundaries on my mother. I find it interesting that we feel guilt and they do not. My mom is selfish and always will be selfish. Learning to say "no"

I'm Carol at and went through similar situation with my family. I guess I was the "black sheep" of the family and misunderstood by my parents and siblings. Fortunately, I was never physically abused, just misunderstood and chastised verbally (I guess a bit of abuse there). With many years of therapy, I chose to go on and continue living my life as it worked for me not them.

My mom fell in the dilemma category.. loved me.. dispised what I represented. But all in all she regarded me part of the family and always made sure I fit in some way, even though she didn't understand. Needless to say, we had some troublesome times and it goes without saying that my siblings judged me often with harsh words.

I helped with mom and dad's aging care a lot. Through that caregiving I learned compassion and forgiveness. Bless them, for they do not know what they do... that sort of attitude that I learned in therapy which I am grateful for learning. They have both passed and now when I think of them.. all I feel is love, compassion, and appreciation. Funny how that worked!

As for my siblings... we are estranged - not on speaking terms.. I haven't carried that compassion lesson to our relationships, yet. Maybe never will and at this moment, I don't really care if I ever do.

For those of you who suffer with the dilemma of mistrust and hate for parents, I understand and am sorry for all you had to go through. I strongly encourage you, as Carolyn states in her article, to seek help through counseling. It has changed my life for the better!

Not only was my mother an uncaring parent for me when i was a child, she belittles me now, as an adult, and i am the only one left to take care of her. There is not time enough or room enough to write all the injustices she has done to me. The main one was to let my step father beat me as a child, and then as i got a bit older,(9) he also started sexually abusing me. I am sure that she must have known about this, but chose to ignore it. and i am sure she saw him beating me and leaving bruises on me. But, she chose to ignore it. I had one sibling, a brother, who was always her favorite. She still to this day, and i am 63 yrs old, talks about what a crybaby i was as a kid. She makes fun of that sad little girl, who had no one to really show her love. She turned me over to a pedophile, and i should take care of her in her old age? I guess so. Maybe it is the "Honor thy Mother and Father" thing that makes me feel so obligated. But i can say this one thing, I hate her as much as i love her. I know it is horrible to say this, but it is so true.

i was molested by my father and it was horriable for me, the worst part about it was that before that, he was all that i knew that was good. my mother was an acholic and abusive to where when it came to happiness it was my day he loved me with such purity until one day i guess i was all he had left and i was violated in every way. it was the worst he used this cream before every sexual episode so it was no evidence that it was him and he didnt go to jail. i was 13 y old. so i end up back with my mom and oh that was horrible so all i could do is think of good times with my dad and how it was nice. and started to mis him i didnt go back around him for years until my baby brother got killed and i seen him at his funeral. i was kinda happy to see him sad to say. at that time i was 22.he left a number for me and a year later right after i met my husband i decieded to call cause i needed to get anything out that would hold me back at that part of my life. i needed to let go of everything and i still wanted to see what he would say to me. we talked for a few seconds he told me if i needed and thing give him a call but he had to go. my feeling was a little hurt but i soon got over it. and i thought well maybe he can help me. he retired from grayhound as a machanic and he had some money, so i called to do just that ask for some help.and he told me to come over and get it he stayed in the same house . so me and my husband went over there and it was kinda funny cause i look just like him and my husband laughed. he smile greeted us let us in and went with it
he took us out to eat and gave me an envalope with $1000 in it and said again call me any time u need something and we talked alittle more but it was aquard. we left soon after. but to make a long story short he moved out of town 2 years later he was in an accident and they said he was dying that kinda blew my mind to where i felt like i was old enough to where i knew he couldnt hurt me maybe in that time he was putting himself out there i shouldve been triying to get to know him again, but know hes dying. if felt wierd when i got the phone call that he made it weeks later and no one was going to take him in and they had no choice but to put him in a home. i had a little 2 bedroom apartment and my nephew already live with me after his sister killed herself and his mother lost her mind, but thats a different story. but i told them he could come and stay with me. now mind u my dad was 74 at the time i was born when he was 46 so to let u understand that he is a older person. but me and my husband drove to berninham to get him and hes been here ever since.now its very hard because the help he need but he is also in denial told me he dont remember it then came back to say if he did he sorry but i just dont feel like thats enough sometimes. and he also hover over his money and only enough for the one bill hes pay in the house and thats it . im going through hard times right now and they wont even give me benifits for taking care of him because he only gets medicare and not medicade. so it is realy hard .and u can imagine the strain on my marriage. thanks for listening .

Hi Deb,
Thanks for the kind words. I do speak at events on this subject (and many others). This is one subject people don't easily talk about, because they think people will blame them. We can't worry about what others think. I took care of seven elders over the span of two decades, and I got the "bad daughter" thing when my mother went in a nursing home. Her friends didn't think she was "bad enough" for that, even though she made the decision. So, you just have to ignore "public opinion" and go with your gut.

I need to get that book. Thanks for the suggestion. People need support in doing whatever they feel they can (or can't) do.
Take care,
Carol

Your article is very good, it's nice to know that some of us question whether we should take care of a parent(s) who is abusive. I have mother much like Nancy. I'm reading a book by Nina W. Brown, Ed. D., LPC. It's called Children of the Self Absorbed A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents, Second Edition. I have not finished it but have learned a great deal from it already. Please keep talking about this subject as I'm sure there are a lot of us struggling with this issue.

Thanks.
Deb:)

You are all very wise. There are limits to what any of us can do. I always tried to fix everythinig for everybody, and I found that doesn't work (duh?). Guilt is unnecessary, when we are truly trying to be positive and loving. And no one needs to be the target of abuse, whether from siblings or parents. Trying our best to heal old wounds is always good, and getting counseling can help many of us. The thing to remember is that we, too, matter. No more, not less. But we, the caregiver, or adult child or sibling, matter. Self-care is not selfishness. It is survival and we need to care for ourselves to show others an example. Humility fits in here, but humiliation does not.

I talk a good line, but have a heck of a time practicing it. However, I'm improving.
Carol

I have found counseling helpful. I am learning that I am not responsible for those that did not make appropriate provisions for their lives. You are not responsible to pick up where her husband leaves off. You can help and give what you can

Has anyone ever taken the above discussion and replaced 'parent ' with 'sibling'? My sibling has many health issues and depends totally on her husband, who also has his own health issues. He is 15 years older than her and in very poor health. It is very possible that he will pass on before her in the near future and it will be "up to me" to provide care or find a place that can.
The problem is that she and I can hardly be in the same room for more than a few hours, sometimes minutes. She has now and has always had a very vicious tongue. She's demanding and critical and demeaning with those closest to her. It has been her husband's choice to remain with her for many years and cater to her every whim. I have tried to have a conversation about what her choices would be when her husband passes on, but she chooses to avoid these issues and I feel sure she assumes that I will pick up where her husband left off. My other siblings chose long ago to have nothing to do with her. I also have health issues and am limited in my physical strength and energy and am not able to take this "massive" task on. I, too, know the sting of dysfunction that occurred in our childhood family, but every day I get up and make a conscious effort to be positive and loving to those around me. And I know with every part of my being that I could not undertake the responsibility of caring for my sister. But....the guilt about family does riddle me. And I don't see that dissapating. Any thoughts?

Gail, I was wondering are you also caring for a parent that was far from Perfect

I agree this is an excellent article

excellent article