Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
I just came back from my father's funeral. He was physically abusive and emotionally absent. I want to say to all those who have or had abusive parents that it is helpful to understand that by working through one's relationship with an abusive parent is soemthing that will make you emotionally stronger and wiser. Here are some things I learned in therapy:
1. Honor thy mother and father could perhaps mean that you must honor their decision to live like they do and suffer the consequences that they must by living like they do. IN OTHER WORDS, DON'T TRY TO MAKE THEM CHANGE OR ADMIT THEIR ABUSIVENESS--MOST ARE IN DENIAL. NO ONE HAS THE POWER TO CHANGE ANOTHER.
2. Your first responsibility is to your family and yourself. You do not need to live your life as a servant to the abuser.
3. You are not responsible for their behavior only how you react to their behavior. If you continue to listen to degradation and criticism, then you must examine why you allow this to happen.
4. Do not feel comfortable when people are abusive to you. Set your standards high. Treat others as you would like to be treated and surround yourself with supportive people. Set your boundaries and standards high. No one can break those and still be in your circle.
5. Get blank cards and write a note in the card for holidays. Say things like May your day be filled with all those things you wish for.
6. Pray for the abuser.
7. Don't feel bad about getting someone a Medicaid bed. Their actions put in motion the consequences long ago. They could always apologize and start treating you differently if they wanted change.
8. Remember that the abusers are typically self abusers and have low self esteem. Try treating them as you would like to be treated. It is weird but when I do that and then draw back when they are abusive, it sets a distance and they really don't want to be around me. They feel comfortable being abusive adn when I do not participate it is too hard for them.
9. Keep yur private life private and do not share intimate details with someone who is not a reformed abuser.
10. Pray for them--its on here twice because it is critical. You are only responsible for their basic needs and that does not mean sacrificing your life for them.
11. Do not seek their apporval. Remember, you need to understand they are most likely mentally ill and dealing with a mentally ill person is difficult. Do not take what they say personally--that is mental illness speaking. Need nothing from them.
Hope this helps. Read the Course of Miracles especially the Urtex. Bless all of you and pray for all in such relationships. Love to all--
Hmm, maybe we should start a side business? Design our own as a group catharsis?
That could be difficult, but we can share our thoughts and lighten the load. Keeping stress inside just eats us up. Sharing even our darkest thoughts and finding others have them is so empowering. We're here to share our humaness.
I'm humbled, Billie. Please do keep in touch. I'll be checking in on the forum more as time goes by, too. And you'll make other friends, there, as well. Do take care of yourself. Blessings, Carol
Thank you Carol!!! This is a new beginning for today! For someone to respond to me in the neutral sense- but yet experiencing it. My prayer was answered fast!
Thank you! I need to check out this site more -I am beginning to really like the forum set-up of different areas. I have felt so pounded lately I don't even have intrest in my computor and that was definitely my escape! I don't even like to look in the mirror lately! And that is DEFINITELY not me! I have always been so energetic and love for life. THANK YOU for your reply!I feel this must be a life-line thrown out to me!
I know, first hand, how hard it is to be able to attend physical support groups. They are great, but not always possible. The Internet and books are true gifts. I'm glad you found this site.
You've hit the nail on the head when you say how different it is to be on the caregiving end (family) than the professional end (nursing). I hear this often when I speak to professionals.
Do try your best to take care of yourself and your son, and check in on this site often. You may want to jump in on the forum, if you haven't already. You are fortunate to have such a caring son. I'll bet you were a great mother.
To Jackielynn I just read your entry about the Mother's day card. All these years I would do that. Trying to find a card.and always knowing I wasn't the only one on the world that had to go thru that, but to actually see your words, that so hit my heart. thank you!
Very good article! I live in Houston, Tx. Retired nurse. I'm 64 had to retire because of fibromyealgia and mainly I am now the caregiver for my 81 yr old mom. And we are both on limited income. My son moved back home from California to help me. This is a true blessing! My Mom more or less abandoned me. My greta-grandmother and aunt took me in and raised me.Mother never called. Maybe 2 or 3 times a year and never was aquainted with my son. And then---what a wonderful daughter and grandson she has. She is in total denial- had open heart surgery about 2 months ago. No need for me to go into the long story- actually I don't even have the energy to do so. My health is now being affected- my son's life is kind of on hold at the minute. It was a good thing when I saw this web-site. I was thinking about finding a support group to physically to go to-but then with the time and energy thing- most likely the cyber way would be the best. being a nurse and then being on the other end is un believeable. But I was always aware of the fact what all parties were going thru- my patients and everyone involved. But reality bites when you are there!
Exactly. Those memories will come back at the most inconvient times, and we can shame ourselves over things in our past that we couldn't control, and we certainly can't do over - even it we could have controlled it. I'm happy for you that you married into a "functional" family, and that you are smart and on-top of things, so you know old feelings will try to control some of what you feel now. Just keep doing your best, acknowledge the feelings and move on. That, and your own wisdom, will keep you moving forward. Take care, Carol
Carol, I loved the idea of greeting cards for "dysfunctional families". I happened to marry into a non-dysfunctional family and, for 20 some years have felt the salt in old wounds on an almost daily basis. This is all due, I am sure, to comparing family dynamics and realizing mine didn't measure up. Amazing how those wounds run so deep and, just when we think we have ourselves under control, baam, we're back to square one. I surely am a "work in progress" or a "very slow learner". Either way, life is just putting one step in front of the other and doing our very best on any particular day.
Finding a Mother's Day card, or anniversary card, or whatever, when you feel you must get something but you are trying to be non-commital and impersonal, is so un-Hallmark. It's really hard. I didn't have that with my parents, but I did have such a situtation in my life, and it's awful.
"Hmmm, how do we get through this day without violence, Mom?" I haven't seen too many of those...
It's kind of like the "Merry Christmas" problem, when everyone is supposed to be happy, happy, happy, and we're - shall we say conflicted?
I'm glad you finally found something that works. I've thought some of us should get together and start a "cards for dysfunctional families" business. We'd be a huge success - sad to say.
You'll get through the day, but it won't be easy, as you know. We're thinking of you. Carol
Boundaries are important. I wasn't good with them, as a caregiver. I learned, during the later years, that I had to set some boundaries, or I'd be the sick one. I still wasn't great, but gradually, I learned to do better.
I speak and write about these issues often, because many people feel guilty or "not included" as caregivers talk of their beloved elders. It feels like everyone is from a close-knit, loving family. I generally tell people that functional and family rarely belong in the same sentence. Most families have issues. Obviously, some are far harder to handle than others.
All of you wonderful people, take care of yourselves. You'll do what is best and necessary. Get counseling and/or join a support group if you are feeling guilt or if you fee isolated. There are many caregivers will to give their time to help you along this path. Carol
My heart goes out to all of you. Caring for these people is toxic to us. I'm learning to put boundaries on my mother. I find it interesting that we feel guilt and they do not. My mom is selfish and always will be selfish. Learning to say "no"
I'm Carol at and went through similar situation with my family. I guess I was the "black sheep" of the family and misunderstood by my parents and siblings. Fortunately, I was never physically abused, just misunderstood and chastised verbally (I guess a bit of abuse there). With many years of therapy, I chose to go on and continue living my life as it worked for me not them.
My mom fell in the dilemma category.. loved me.. dispised what I represented. But all in all she regarded me part of the family and always made sure I fit in some way, even though she didn't understand. Needless to say, we had some troublesome times and it goes without saying that my siblings judged me often with harsh words.
I helped with mom and dad's aging care a lot. Through that caregiving I learned compassion and forgiveness. Bless them, for they do not know what they do... that sort of attitude that I learned in therapy which I am grateful for learning. They have both passed and now when I think of them.. all I feel is love, compassion, and appreciation. Funny how that worked!
As for my siblings... we are estranged - not on speaking terms.. I haven't carried that compassion lesson to our relationships, yet. Maybe never will and at this moment, I don't really care if I ever do.
For those of you who suffer with the dilemma of mistrust and hate for parents, I understand and am sorry for all you had to go through. I strongly encourage you, as Carolyn states in her article, to seek help through counseling. It has changed my life for the better!
Not only was my mother an uncaring parent for me when i was a child, she belittles me now, as an adult, and i am the only one left to take care of her. There is not time enough or room enough to write all the injustices she has done to me. The main one was to let my step father beat me as a child, and then as i got a bit older,(9) he also started sexually abusing me. I am sure that she must have known about this, but chose to ignore it. and i am sure she saw him beating me and leaving bruises on me. But, she chose to ignore it. I had one sibling, a brother, who was always her favorite. She still to this day, and i am 63 yrs old, talks about what a crybaby i was as a kid. She makes fun of that sad little girl, who had no one to really show her love. She turned me over to a pedophile, and i should take care of her in her old age? I guess so. Maybe it is the "Honor thy Mother and Father" thing that makes me feel so obligated. But i can say this one thing, I hate her as much as i love her. I know it is horrible to say this, but it is so true.
i was molested by my father and it was horriable for me, the worst part about it was that before that, he was all that i knew that was good. my mother was an acholic and abusive to where when it came to happiness it was my day he loved me with such purity until one day i guess i was all he had left and i was violated in every way. it was the worst he used this cream before every sexual episode so it was no evidence that it was him and he didnt go to jail. i was 13 y old. so i end up back with my mom and oh that was horrible so all i could do is think of good times with my dad and how it was nice. and started to mis him i didnt go back around him for years until my baby brother got killed and i seen him at his funeral. i was kinda happy to see him sad to say. at that time i was 22.he left a number for me and a year later right after i met my husband i decieded to call cause i needed to get anything out that would hold me back at that part of my life. i needed to let go of everything and i still wanted to see what he would say to me. we talked for a few seconds he told me if i needed and thing give him a call but he had to go. my feeling was a little hurt but i soon got over it. and i thought well maybe he can help me. he retired from grayhound as a machanic and he had some money, so i called to do just that ask for some help.and he told me to come over and get it he stayed in the same house . so me and my husband went over there and it was kinda funny cause i look just like him and my husband laughed. he smile greeted us let us in and went with it he took us out to eat and gave me an envalope with $1000 in it and said again call me any time u need something and we talked alittle more but it was aquard. we left soon after. but to make a long story short he moved out of town 2 years later he was in an accident and they said he was dying that kinda blew my mind to where i felt like i was old enough to where i knew he couldnt hurt me maybe in that time he was putting himself out there i shouldve been triying to get to know him again, but know hes dying. if felt wierd when i got the phone call that he made it weeks later and no one was going to take him in and they had no choice but to put him in a home. i had a little 2 bedroom apartment and my nephew already live with me after his sister killed herself and his mother lost her mind, but thats a different story. but i told them he could come and stay with me. now mind u my dad was 74 at the time i was born when he was 46 so to let u understand that he is a older person. but me and my husband drove to berninham to get him and hes been here ever since.now its very hard because the help he need but he is also in denial told me he dont remember it then came back to say if he did he sorry but i just dont feel like thats enough sometimes. and he also hover over his money and only enough for the one bill hes pay in the house and thats it . im going through hard times right now and they wont even give me benifits for taking care of him because he only gets medicare and not medicade. so it is realy hard .and u can imagine the strain on my marriage. thanks for listening .
Hi Deb, Thanks for the kind words. I do speak at events on this subject (and many others). This is one subject people don't easily talk about, because they think people will blame them. We can't worry about what others think. I took care of seven elders over the span of two decades, and I got the "bad daughter" thing when my mother went in a nursing home. Her friends didn't think she was "bad enough" for that, even though she made the decision. So, you just have to ignore "public opinion" and go with your gut.
I need to get that book. Thanks for the suggestion. People need support in doing whatever they feel they can (or can't) do. Take care, Carol
Your article is very good, it's nice to know that some of us question whether we should take care of a parent(s) who is abusive. I have mother much like Nancy. I'm reading a book by Nina W. Brown, Ed. D., LPC. It's called Children of the Self Absorbed A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents, Second Edition. I have not finished it but have learned a great deal from it already. Please keep talking about this subject as I'm sure there are a lot of us struggling with this issue.
You are all very wise. There are limits to what any of us can do. I always tried to fix everythinig for everybody, and I found that doesn't work (duh?). Guilt is unnecessary, when we are truly trying to be positive and loving. And no one needs to be the target of abuse, whether from siblings or parents. Trying our best to heal old wounds is always good, and getting counseling can help many of us. The thing to remember is that we, too, matter. No more, not less. But we, the caregiver, or adult child or sibling, matter. Self-care is not selfishness. It is survival and we need to care for ourselves to show others an example. Humility fits in here, but humiliation does not.
I talk a good line, but have a heck of a time practicing it. However, I'm improving. Carol
I have found counseling helpful. I am learning that I am not responsible for those that did not make appropriate provisions for their lives. You are not responsible to pick up where her husband leaves off. You can help and give what you can
Has anyone ever taken the above discussion and replaced 'parent ' with 'sibling'? My sibling has many health issues and depends totally on her husband, who also has his own health issues. He is 15 years older than her and in very poor health. It is very possible that he will pass on before her in the near future and it will be "up to me" to provide care or find a place that can. The problem is that she and I can hardly be in the same room for more than a few hours, sometimes minutes. She has now and has always had a very vicious tongue. She's demanding and critical and demeaning with those closest to her. It has been her husband's choice to remain with her for many years and cater to her every whim. I have tried to have a conversation about what her choices would be when her husband passes on, but she chooses to avoid these issues and I feel sure she assumes that I will pick up where her husband left off. My other siblings chose long ago to have nothing to do with her. I also have health issues and am limited in my physical strength and energy and am not able to take this "massive" task on. I, too, know the sting of dysfunction that occurred in our childhood family, but every day I get up and make a conscious effort to be positive and loving to those around me. And I know with every part of my being that I could not undertake the responsibility of caring for my sister. But....the guilt about family does riddle me. And I don't see that dissapating. Any thoughts?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
145 Comments
First Oldest
First
Caring for Aging Parents Who Didn’t Care for You
1. Honor thy mother and father could perhaps mean that you must honor their decision to live like they do and suffer the consequences that they must by living like they do. IN OTHER WORDS, DON'T TRY TO MAKE THEM CHANGE OR ADMIT THEIR ABUSIVENESS--MOST ARE IN DENIAL. NO ONE HAS THE POWER TO CHANGE ANOTHER.
2. Your first responsibility is to your family and yourself. You do not need to live your life as a servant to the abuser.
3. You are not responsible for their behavior only how you react to their behavior.
If you continue to listen to degradation and criticism, then you must examine why you allow this to happen.
4. Do not feel comfortable when people are abusive to you. Set your standards high. Treat others as you would like to be treated and surround yourself with supportive people. Set your boundaries and standards high. No one can break those and still be in your circle.
5. Get blank cards and write a note in the card for holidays. Say things like May your day be filled with all those things you wish for.
6. Pray for the abuser.
7. Don't feel bad about getting someone a Medicaid bed. Their actions put in motion the consequences long ago. They could always apologize and start treating you differently if they wanted change.
8. Remember that the abusers are typically self abusers and have low self esteem. Try treating them as you would like to be treated. It is weird but when I do that and then draw back when they are abusive, it sets a distance and they really don't want to be around me. They feel comfortable being abusive adn when I do not participate it is too hard for them.
9. Keep yur private life private and do not share intimate details with someone who is not a reformed abuser.
10. Pray for them--its on here twice because it is critical. You are only responsible for their basic needs and that does not mean sacrificing your life for them.
11. Do not seek their apporval. Remember, you need to understand they are most likely mentally ill and dealing with a mentally ill person is difficult. Do not take what they say personally--that is mental illness speaking. Need nothing from them.
Hope this helps. Read the Course of Miracles especially the Urtex. Bless all of you and pray for all in such relationships. Love to all--
That could be difficult, but we can share our thoughts and lighten the load. Keeping stress inside just eats us up. Sharing even our darkest thoughts and finding others have them is so empowering. We're here to share our humaness.
Carol
Blessings,
Carol
Thank you! I need to check out this site more -I am beginning to really like the forum set-up of different areas. I have felt so pounded lately I don't even have intrest in my computor and that was definitely my escape! I don't even like to look in the mirror lately! And that is DEFINITELY not me! I have always been so energetic and love for life. THANK YOU for your reply!I feel this must be a life-line thrown out to me!
You've hit the nail on the head when you say how different it is to be on the caregiving end (family) than the professional end (nursing). I hear this often when I speak to professionals.
Do try your best to take care of yourself and your son, and check in on this site often. You may want to jump in on the forum, if you haven't already. You are fortunate to have such a caring son. I'll bet you were a great mother.
Carol
being a nurse and then being on the other end is un believeable. But I was always aware of the fact what all parties were going thru- my patients and everyone involved. But reality bites when you are there!
Take care,
Carol
"Hmmm, how do we get through this day without violence, Mom?" I haven't seen too many of those...
It's kind of like the "Merry Christmas" problem, when everyone is supposed to be happy, happy, happy, and we're - shall we say conflicted?
I'm glad you finally found something that works. I've thought some of us should get together and start a "cards for dysfunctional families" business. We'd be a huge success - sad to say.
You'll get through the day, but it won't be easy, as you know. We're thinking of you.
Carol
I speak and write about these issues often, because many people feel guilty or "not included" as caregivers talk of their beloved elders. It feels like everyone is from a close-knit, loving family. I generally tell people that functional and family rarely belong in the same sentence. Most families have issues. Obviously, some are far harder to handle than others.
All of you wonderful people, take care of yourselves. You'll do what is best and necessary. Get counseling and/or join a support group if you are feeling guilt or if you fee isolated. There are many caregivers will to give their time to help you along this path.
Carol
My mom fell in the dilemma category.. loved me.. dispised what I represented. But all in all she regarded me part of the family and always made sure I fit in some way, even though she didn't understand. Needless to say, we had some troublesome times and it goes without saying that my siblings judged me often with harsh words.
I helped with mom and dad's aging care a lot. Through that caregiving I learned compassion and forgiveness. Bless them, for they do not know what they do... that sort of attitude that I learned in therapy which I am grateful for learning. They have both passed and now when I think of them.. all I feel is love, compassion, and appreciation. Funny how that worked!
As for my siblings... we are estranged - not on speaking terms.. I haven't carried that compassion lesson to our relationships, yet. Maybe never will and at this moment, I don't really care if I ever do.
For those of you who suffer with the dilemma of mistrust and hate for parents, I understand and am sorry for all you had to go through. I strongly encourage you, as Carolyn states in her article, to seek help through counseling. It has changed my life for the better!
he took us out to eat and gave me an envalope with $1000 in it and said again call me any time u need something and we talked alittle more but it was aquard. we left soon after. but to make a long story short he moved out of town 2 years later he was in an accident and they said he was dying that kinda blew my mind to where i felt like i was old enough to where i knew he couldnt hurt me maybe in that time he was putting himself out there i shouldve been triying to get to know him again, but know hes dying. if felt wierd when i got the phone call that he made it weeks later and no one was going to take him in and they had no choice but to put him in a home. i had a little 2 bedroom apartment and my nephew already live with me after his sister killed herself and his mother lost her mind, but thats a different story. but i told them he could come and stay with me. now mind u my dad was 74 at the time i was born when he was 46 so to let u understand that he is a older person. but me and my husband drove to berninham to get him and hes been here ever since.now its very hard because the help he need but he is also in denial told me he dont remember it then came back to say if he did he sorry but i just dont feel like thats enough sometimes. and he also hover over his money and only enough for the one bill hes pay in the house and thats it . im going through hard times right now and they wont even give me benifits for taking care of him because he only gets medicare and not medicade. so it is realy hard .and u can imagine the strain on my marriage. thanks for listening .
Thanks for the kind words. I do speak at events on this subject (and many others). This is one subject people don't easily talk about, because they think people will blame them. We can't worry about what others think. I took care of seven elders over the span of two decades, and I got the "bad daughter" thing when my mother went in a nursing home. Her friends didn't think she was "bad enough" for that, even though she made the decision. So, you just have to ignore "public opinion" and go with your gut.
I need to get that book. Thanks for the suggestion. People need support in doing whatever they feel they can (or can't) do.
Take care,
Carol
Thanks.
Deb:)
I talk a good line, but have a heck of a time practicing it. However, I'm improving.
Carol
The problem is that she and I can hardly be in the same room for more than a few hours, sometimes minutes. She has now and has always had a very vicious tongue. She's demanding and critical and demeaning with those closest to her. It has been her husband's choice to remain with her for many years and cater to her every whim. I have tried to have a conversation about what her choices would be when her husband passes on, but she chooses to avoid these issues and I feel sure she assumes that I will pick up where her husband left off. My other siblings chose long ago to have nothing to do with her. I also have health issues and am limited in my physical strength and energy and am not able to take this "massive" task on. I, too, know the sting of dysfunction that occurred in our childhood family, but every day I get up and make a conscious effort to be positive and loving to those around me. And I know with every part of my being that I could not undertake the responsibility of caring for my sister. But....the guilt about family does riddle me. And I don't see that dissapating. Any thoughts?