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I too, felt the emotional "hit" of this article. My situation is Mom (bipolar/narcasisstic?) and Dad (alcholic/Asperger's syndrome) married and had 5 kids... Dad moved away but continued to support financially (sporadically) my mother. So seperated, but not divorced for over 40 years. Which means 40 years of Mother's resentment and anger passed onto the kids. Additionally, Dads (schizophrenic-alcholic-pedaphilic) brother came to stay with us and "help out" for several years; this led to several years of him helping himself to me and my sisters... Mom claims she didn't know and did eventually kick him out... so there's that, I guess. Many, many years of therapy later, I was still trying to establish reasonable boundaries between my adult self and Mom, when we get a phone call out of the blue from Dad... he is headed to the hospital and believes he is having some sort of cardiac event. Middle sister flys up to Columbus OH to see what needs to be done... within 4 days the reality is that our 73y/o father will not be returning to work, or to his apartment, and that he has advanced Stage 4 Lung Cancer and unless intervention is taken, he has weeks to live. So for Christmas 2010, my family got its Dad back... critically ill, socially stunted and a virtual stranger to all. One month after Dad's diagnosis, Mom's ongoing drama of health crises took a real turn for the worse. She was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer that had metasticized to the liver on Thanksgiving weekend. Collapsed of a fatal heart attack on 11/30. So now we are faced with taking care of an ailing father that we don't know, and grieving a mother, who left us all scarred and left a hoarders mess behind. Somedays, I feel as if my head is going to explode... But - Dad chose to have treatments, and is doing better than expected. This gives me time to try to establish some sort of relationaship with him, but with his anti-social behavior it sometimes doesn't seem worth it. *sigh*... In retrospect, we are all gald that Mom was spared the incredible suffering of a long illness, and we have been able to work together to sort out most of her messes - would anyone like a cat, or 14? Seriously. So at least the five of us haven't drifted away/turned on each other and I am really happy about that. We continue to struggle with the emotions of dealing with Dad's illness... the two youngest have no real memories of him at all... and I know that everything happens for a reason. Thanks for this website so I can purge and vent in a safe zone. Take care and God bless!
I felt this article big time. My parents were divorced, my Dad gained custody of his four children. He eventually married a woman with two of her own children So that made us six. Step-Mother did not won't to raise us all so we all were sent packing to different homes all our growing years. We would stay awhile til it was going to cost most, and when it wasn't paid we were sent back. My stepMother has been deceased for twenty years and my Dad did not remarry. He is now in failing health and needs someone with him. I am the oldest of four. So everyone expects that I should devote the rest of my life taking care of Dad. I decided I would because there is a need to do so. I have had anger because of the dysfunction that was in my family and it was hard to get over. I decided that it was only hurting me no one else seem to care. So I chilled and had a good life. I have confronted my Dad and other people in the family about how I felt. They didn't seem to care, so I wrote them off and doing what I can to make my Dad's last days on this earth comfortable ones. I really think everyone should get over the PAST AND LOOK FORWARD. i CAN GO ON BUT i BELIEVE THE ONE SENTENCE MAKES MY PPOINT.
The above article was great. An adult child is NOT obligated to care for their elderly parent, emotionally speaking. I wish society would stop trying to lay the "guilt trip" on people about this. It is not possible for an adult child to generate "loving" feelings towards a parent who was abusive or neglectful. One can certainly assist an elderly parent out of a sense of family duty, but love does not have to enter into the equation. Social workers do not "love" their clients, but out of a sense of professional responsibility, humanitarism and ethic of care, they do what they can to help their clients with their difficulties. I believe the same could be said about adult children of parents who were abusive or neglectful.
Sometimes the easiest way to deal with the situation is to assume the "attitude" of a professional, such as social worker, attorney or pastor. You don't have to "love" a person who has done everything in their power to be unloving towards you, but you can act professionally and do "what is right" out of human concern and compassion for a dysfunctional person.
Been there, done that....I was not abused, but I was certainly neglected. In retrospect this was actually a life advantage, because I grew up fiercely independent and able to take care of myself at a young age. When my parents became elderly, I stepped in out of a sense of family responsibility and concern - not out of love.
One does not have to feel "love" to do what is right in a situation. An example of this is if a parent gives birth to a child they really cannot stand! However, out of a sense of parental responsibility they usually care for that child, Love is not part of the picture - but family responsibility and an ethic of care goven their behavior towards the child that is difficult to love.
It must be difficult for people with abusive parents to find themselves caregivers now. I don't think I could do that esp. if the parent was suffereing from dementia and still being abusive. i've read posts of adult children who take these parents into THEIR homes and the demented parents are abusive to their caregivers and the grandchildren. Maybe I'm cruel and harsh but I wouldn't take an abusive parent into my home to berate and yell at my kids and be abusive toward me. I think these parents need to be in a facility or become wards of the state. What positive thing can you get out of having them in YOUR home? Money?? Even waiting for some inheritance probably won't be worth it in the long run after estate taxes and other taxes. Just MHO.
I am grateful for this article. The issue of caring for parents who were abusive during childhood (and perhaps still are) doesn't get enough attention. Can we start an online support group for those of us in this situation?
After maintaining a distant relationship with my parents and sister for many years, I abruptly became a caregiver three years ago. It has been, by far, the most challenging experience of my life. I've learned and grown a great deal from it but I've often feared that the PTSD and torrent of emotion would become more than I can handle.
My childhood was like Nancy's -- violent, abusive mother and distant father who was totally incapable of dealing with the situation. My parents never moved from my childhood home and I feel anxious every time I visit there. I'm always afraid of having nightmares and panic attacks.
I totally relate to sibling issues. Dealing with my sister, who reminds me of my mother, especially her anger, has sometimes been the most difficult part of the experience. It makes me sad that we can't be more united and supportive of each other. She triggers very intense feelings in me.
My sister and I have had to handle all our parent's affairs -- medical, legal, financial etc. We've provided very good care for them. My mother went to assisted living and passed away more than two years ago. Fortunately, to my amazement, my last contacts with her were very positive. She became a happier person at the end of her life.
My father has been living at home with live-in aides. His health is declining and he could go at any time. I have been working through intense feelings of terror the past few months and dread having to go through the funeral and aftermath and be involved with my sister. Sometimes I want to forget I have a family.
In spite of the pain and agony, I know if I stay with the process, I will grow emotionally and spiritually. Prayer and meditation are what have gotten me through so far.
I send compassion and concern to everyone who is caring for abusive parents.
My mother on the other hand pushed my care off onto my older brother. She told me: "I fed you.". Gee, is that all it takes to be a parent???? Is that all I need to do for her???? Oddly enough, after recently losing my temper and removing myself from the situation; all of a sudden my mom doesn't need constant attention. Suddenly she can do more for herself when faced with the possibility of being left to her own devices alone. My husband stepped in for a couple of weeks and attended to mom's major needs (doc visits). I was fully ready to throw in the towel but Hub said that was wrong. Caregiver burnout I guess. In any case, the old girl has changed her tune after having tried to suck the life out of me for 11 yrs. Now she can do much for herself. Not quite the helpless little waif she would have everyone believe. Oh my.
This article has hit home,it is comforting to know that elsewhere these issues exsist. As a young adult I never understood why my mother was so abusive,now I relize that she was probably bi-polar and no one ever did anything to help her. We all use to think,how can she be so cruel manipulative and out right evil and feel justified all at the same time. The woman that I care for is none of the above,she is kind considerate of my children ,the mother i would have wanted growing up. I forgave her for all of her shortcomings(that's a understatment) and dont dwell on the past,it was not a happy one,but relizing that she gave me life and at one point cared and provided for me as I do for her now.
I turned a corner in handling my own issues of early childhood trauma from poor parenting when I realized (it was like a light bulb coming on) that my parents have no reason to be held up to high expectations simply because they were my parents. They are human and have feet of clay (as many folks) and their failings (so I now feel) were not evil actions but mistakes made by people with their own crosses to bear.
How I chose to treat them (they have both passed on) is a reflection on me and my morality and has little relevance on things that happened when I was a child. I turned out ok, somehow... How I treated them is MY "karma". I stepped forward after Mom's stroke and took good care of her.
Today I have no regrets. This may be a bit philosophical to put into practice in the day-to-day but I can't tell you how glad I am that I acted in the manner I chose.
I mostly had neglect to deal with not actual abuse so this may not work for some but I wanted to share this in the hopes it could help someone making decisions around these issues...
It really helped me to focus on the big picture and how my actions would reflect on me and my life instead of focusing on their actions (or lack of actions).
It took time, age and distance to figure this out (I was in my 40s) but thankfully I was able to spend the last years of their lives with good relationships and act in ways that I feel good about.
In don't blame you one bit. Sometimes blood relatives make you wish for a transfusion.
If every time I see mine all they're going to do is make you feel like s__t and tear me down so they can feel better about themselves, then they have no place in my life. My mother, for example, called me in the middle of the night a few days ago to demand $500 so she could go slumming in Puerto Rico with her 40-something y/o, coke-sniffing, part-time shadow husband. When I asked what for, she said she didn't have to explain to anyone what she does with "her money." I hung up. She left a message in my voice-mail, calling me an "ingrato," wishing she had choked me between her legs when she said the chance, and telling me to forget she's my mother. I called her back and told her "I almost have. .. 'Que te vaya bien.' " A couple of my sisters called about half an hour later (from New Jersey and Texas), telling me that I made her cry and that I should go to her cockroach apartment in the South Bronx, get on my knees, and beg her forgiveness. Out of the question! Then they said "It's only money, and you have only one mother." To which I responded "Then you give it to her ... let me see you live without it ... [and] you can have her." (I'm omitting the Spanish expletives in this comment. There's no real translation for them in English and I might get kicked out of this forum.)
Old age might have slowed her down, but she hasn't changed at all. If I'm to hang on to what's left of my sanity, our relationship has to be sacrificed.
Hey Ed, right on, as usual! I evicted mine, as well as her wicked offspring, I call the drama team. As for having fun, they enjoy themselves at my expense. Too bad they don't enjoy life beyond that. My head and home are now off limits to them. I laugh at their games. It's very healing. Playing with them isn't. So, I am on to healthy friends, and letting the sleeping dogs lie. Vengeance is not mine, but thinking about mom's millstone gives me closure. Sad, but fitting.
My mother was like Nancy's, and to this day she'll never admit to having done anything wrong. Through constant corporal punishment and psychological terror tactics she ensured our total obedience. Over time, my memories have been refined to trick myself into believing she did the best with what she had. The physical injuries I could get over, but the emotional wounds still haven't healed ... and probably never will. They're just too deep and I've had no choice but learn to live with them. Because I can't bring myself to forgiving her, trying to forget -- or rather, deny -- is the only coping mechanism that works.
I agree when you say there's only so much counseling can do. In the beginning, talk therapy sessions allowed me to vent about some of the mother-related frustrations that heightened when she lived in my home for a while. Then the psychologist, whom I could tell had deep-seated emotional issues of his own, tried to make me believe everything that went, is, and will go wrong in my life is because of something my mother did. Six months later, he hands me a Client Satisfaction Survey to fill out and return to him. I gave it to the psychiatrist (his boss) and suggested she help my counselor with his own mother issues.
If children came with instructions everyone would at least have a shot at being the perfect mom or dad, but even with a manual parents find themselves having to improvise, adapt, and overcome. I'm not excusing Nancy's mother in any way, but we can't allow our abusive parents to continue dictating the direction and quality of our lives or blame them for our inadequacies as parents or caregivers.
No matter the hand we're dealt, we should always strive to become a better man/woman, a better person, and a better human being. Sometimes this process requires we rewind the tape of our existence, see what went wrong or we can improve on, put it in its proper perspective, and move forward. Whatever we can't erase, however painful, we cope with or try to find some closure.
Yes, I have a love-hate relationship with my mother. She knows that disrespecting or mistreating me and my own family is no longer an option for her. I've made it abundantly clear that if every time she comes by all she wants to do is rent space in my head because she feels entitled, I either tell her I'm raising the rent or I'm evicting her from my life.
Abused or not, I'm the one in charge -- and responsible for -- my own life. For years I expected an apology that never came, but then I realized she was just a stunted child that never grew up alongside her children. So she settled for alpha female with delusions of Superwoman. Might made right, and that was that. Take it or leave it -- but there was no escape.
To all the Nancy's out there: When you're running from yourself there's no place to hide. The time will come when you'll have to face your fears, stop looking elsewhere for the answers within, and have a talk with that person in the mirror. ... Then brew a fresh pot of coffee, ask Joan Crawford to come over, reconcile your differences, and everybody will be happy. ... Or not.
Dear Shantiaj, Sweetie, I don't even know where to start with this conversation. Guess if i had to start, this is what i would say, "Get far,far away from your dad".I UNDERSTAND what u went thru, there is no loving and respectable father who would do these thing to their daughter. (I know) and things are NOt going to change. If I understand your post correctly,u r married? If u r happily married, make a life with ur husband and forget ur father. That was a life time ago.Move on with ur life and be happy. Remember,ur past can only keep you there if u let it. Been there, Good luck girl, wishing u the best and please let me know how u r doing. SD
I am new to this site, and can identify with many in this discussion, most especially 'Sunshine2Day''s comments from 11/09. My narcissistic mother's been in a nursing home for the past 3 months, starting out as rehab. This is a woman who has not lifted a finger to help herself in 30 yrs.(she's 75), since she went on disability at age 45 for an injured knee. Her sedentary lifestyle has led to numerous health issues. She'd always been emotionally ill, and verbally abusive, and it only worsened with her disability. As I've gotten older, and with some therapy along the way, I know much of her problems stem from her own crazy childhood-but you can only allow for that for so long. She is controlling, coniving, game-playing-and somewhat like a 4 yr. old throwing tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants. She's never happy unless she is the center of all of our attention, and loves the drama. My dad's been gone for several yrs., but waited on her hand and foot until the day he died-anything to keep her from yelling and screaming about how nobody cares about her. She need's long-term skilled care (and has needed it for awhile) and decided to stay in the nursing home, after her rehab time was finished, but is now homesick and demanding to go home. According to her, I am the evil daughter who put her where she is now (forget the hospitilization and her own decision to remain in skilled nursing) and am selfish and hateful because I won't take her home until home-health care can be arranged, which she is quite capable of doing, or at least can help with. Despite all of the anguish over the years, I don't want her to be unhappy. My husband is very kind and good with her, and tells me I just need to stay away from her. He's right, she and I really don't like each other, but I feel obligated. The part that I'm not liking about myself right now is that I find I don't want to help her or be around her at all-I'm just so tired of all the drama and accusations. For now I am going to stay away for awhile and let her do the work to get what she wants, instead of 'fixing it' because she demands it. She has 'cried wolf' for so many years that my brother and I are pretty numb to her complaints-but I don't want to diminish the real pain that comes from leaving her home of 50 yrs.
I really believe in trying to treat others as Jesus would, and pray constantly, but right now I don't have it in me to deal with my mother anymore.
I am thankful for a spot like this to vent and get support.
You are more than welcome. Sorry you have to struggle with VA, but sounds like you will find a way to make things work. I understand tedious, but that's what it takes. I gather you can handle that. Have you talked with a financial planner or Elder Law Attorney concerning your dad's assets? They can guide and direct you. If he has "too much money," perhaps getting some assistance is in order. There's always private care to consider. That would spend down some of his funds, which may help him qualify. Just some thoughts. A couple of gentlemen on this site may be able to direct you. Hopefully they will post. Both very intelligent in these matters. Best wishes, and will continue to watch and see how things go for you.
Thanks, SecretSister. Yes, I am trying to get my dad Veterans Assistance. After spending months on the 38-page application and having it denied, I'm determined to beat the VA at their own game, but it's very tedious. He has too much money for Medicaid at this point (by just a bit).
There is a wonderful organization called aplaceformom.com that helps to find housing situations for seniors. I'm working with them. My dad lives in a very depressed area (economically) so the choices are limited. I'd like for him to stay where he is for as long as possible because he likes it and the place is the nicest home he's ever had. With home health care, it is cheaper than a nursing home and much nicer. It's a daily challenge!
Thanks so much for your note. It's nice not to feel alone.
Dear Meiho, Thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate your bravery and compassion. I would not recommend you use your own funds to care for your Dad. Have you considered getting some aid, and moving your Dad to a nursing home? I think you are very wise to recognize your limits. Will keep you and your family in prayer, and support you while this unfolds. Know you're not alone.
Hi, I just found this site, and I loved the list of things to do to take care of yourself. As someone said, if you don't take care of yourself, you can't talk care of anyone else.
My father sexually abused me after my mother died when I was 11. He now denies it, but he denies a lot of the things he did during his life. I went through counseling many years ago and was advised to "divorce him." I did, in my mind, and it felt very freeing and wonderful! Since I am an only child and he never remarried after my mother's death, I wrote him a letter and told him that he needed to make plans for his elder years because I was unable to care for him in my home (he and my husband have never gotten along, but that's another story entirely!). So he took out a long-term care policy.
Several years ago he fell in his mobile home, and, to make a long story a bit shorter, I helped him find a really nice retirement center that he could afford (it's only independent living, not assisted living). He moved in and was quite happy. He lives 2,500 miles from me.
In the past year, he has started to fail in a big way (diagnosed with dementia and has heart problems, etc. etc.). He got himself involved in some major financial scams despite the fact that I thought I had set up a good system for him to pay his bills, etc.
Bottom line is that now he needs more care than the retirement home can provide. I've hired a home health agency to come in 3 times a day to check on him after his most recent fall and lying on the floor for either several hours or several days, depending on when he tells the story. I have total control over his finances so that he doesn't send all of his money to scammers. I pay all the bills, take care of all of the insurance issues, etc. I have Power of Attorney and all the appropriate legal papers are in order.
The biggest issue now is how to deal with his declining health. When people say, "Oh, you need to move him to your town, at least, if not into your home," I want to scream! Don't you understand, this is a man who abused me, and who I "divorced" in my mind years ago, and now you want me to provide daily care? I don't think so!
My commitment is to make sure he is in a safe environment and gets care, but there is no way I can provide care on a daily basis. I only hope that I don't have to spend my savings to provide a safe environment, since I have no children of my own who can help me in 20 years or so when I need it!
It has helped me immensely to think of myself, not as his daughter, but as his "care manager." It has removed much of the negative emotion from the situation and allows me to function more effectively without getting back into my "abused daughter" mindset.
Thanks for all everyone does for their parents in these difficult situations, and thanks for allowing us to have a place to express these difficult feelings.
I feel so sad for everyone who has experienced the wound of a narcissistic mother - there is no other wound so great. But, to the credit of so many (including myself), we have all tried to heal ourselves through counseling or reaching out to others who share the same pain. I am presently caregiver (along with my brothers) to my 90 year old narcissistic mother who, though now frail and half-deaf, still manages to press everyone's buttons with vigor. Sometimes, I think the only thing keeping her going is her need to control everyone - STILL! Thank God my brothers & I have remained close in spite of her manipulations & games (an amazing feat) and having a great sense of humor really really helped. To all those who have gone through the depressing journey of dealing with a narcissistic parent, heal yourselves first and foremost, don't waste time on guilt and laugh whenever and wherever you can - it truly is the best medicine! And so is this site.
Carol, thank you for writing and sharing this article. The stories here are as heartbreaking as mine. We share a common struggle. Just loved Gettingwiser's post, too. Thank you for that. I am hoping to study and practice what you shared, as well. I am so grateful for this site.
I am in the exact situation kathyk my mother has lived here for 18 months here I mean in my home at first she tried her ridiculing me in front of my friends I polietly talked to her about this and told her she did not make fun of me she made a ass out of herself, before she makes fun of what I look like she should look in the mirror as out of her three children I look the most like her that stopped, now she is just a lazy slob as you so well put it a guest she even eats in her room she is narcissistic, It is very hard to deal with but at this point since she knows everything there ever was to know I leave her to her own devices some days we don't say two words to each other, I don't love her either I don't trust her she's done too many things to me . and my sister, my brother now is the crown prince of nowhere, funny he never has called her since my father died 2 1/2 years ago no cards doesn't even care about what I am going thru thats okay I did go to therapy for a time to find some tools to deal with my mother the best tool I was given was to do nothing do not react to her pouts her outbursts Ihave no emotions towards her so that is easy the only thing I feel is anger and disdain, I just don't show it to her which is what she wants me to do. she now wants to move this is the fourth time she's brought it up, she can do so much in her mind so go do it, I am not yur slave I've moved her and my father from pillar to post all my life I'm finished as far as I'm concerned the only other move will be to a nursing home or to the funeral home. I know that sounds terrible but it is the truth. She has never tried to be loving but thinks she is . It's always about her I found out last year I had 1/3 blockage in my heart had to stay the night in hospital thought I was having a heart attack, I came home and sat on the sofa and she makes her self something to eat and sits right next to me doesn't even bother to aske me if I'm hungry thirsty how do I feel what did they find nothing just sits there and eats than goes to her room so that in itself told me she doesn't care about me never did I am only here to serve her well beleive me at first I did thought this would be the time we would finally have that mother daughter relationship again I was wrong so I give up I will take ccare of her to the best of my ability when I cannot I just won't be able to I still have to work, have my own health issues physically and mentally lots of arthritis, etc from working all my life thats all I know how to do is work. I am a crazy person I am always thinking up ways to make more work for myself I can't even sit still long enough to watch a whole movie. I have to jump up and do something during commercials thats pretty sad. Some days/weeks I do great than bingo one little thing will get me all nervous and depressed again. its very hard but one lesson I learned just recently there is NO reason to feel guilty about the way I feel and you know what with practice it gets easier and easier and easier it will for you to God bless you and keep you in the palm of his hands.
This article is on point for me. I said my mother could move in with me..and she did, about 8 weeks ago. I had thought, and hoped, that I had moved past a great deal of resentment about her self-focus (that allowed a horrific childhood with an abusive, alcohlic father)..she is a survivor of childhood abuse herself (her grandfather when she was five), and probably as a result has always been submissive to men. The problem is that I have realized that I cannot relax with her in my home. I dread coming home, thankfully, I still work and will for another 7-10 years. I still resent her, her 'victim mannerisms' create tension in me, and I try to avoid her. I have never been able to be honest with her, and now she is here, legally blind, doing her best to be a good 'guest'..and unknowingly driving me back into a depression I fought for years to come out of. What do I do now? She has invested $20k in our home, I have given her two rooms and her own bath, and we take our dinners together. It's only been 8 weeks and I could cry every day. I have come to know that whereas I care about her, I don't love her as a mother. I don't think I ever did. I just pretended but that was expected..and I guess I am still being the 'good daughter' by letting here live here. Will I get used to this situation? Does it get better/easier? Is 8 weeks too soon to judge the situation?
Good for you. You do have to take care of yourself. The counseling idea is for those who think it would help (many areas have free or sliding scale ), but many people are beyond that. If you just can't do it, you can't. Bi-polar is hard enough to deal with when you have support. Without it, and without support from a parent, it's even worse. Your health has to be your number one priority.
There should be no guilt on your part. Your sister may be able to get beyond the physical abuse, through counseling or however she has dealt with it, and I commend her for that. Yet, you are two different people with different issues, even though you have the same aging parent. You have to make your own choices.
This article assumes there's counseling available and that there's $ to hire a caregiver. I live on disability with bipolar and ptsd (because of Mother), with numerous health issues (most stress related) and was homeless as recently as '06 (4 winter months I almost froze to death). My mother's health is better then mine- even though she's almost 80- and she had LOTS of $ at one time which she squandered. (I'm polite to her, but I have to take care of myself first- no one else will.)
My sister directed me to this article, she was the one more physically abused. I'm sorry, sis- but I couldn't take care of mother even if she'd let me and I wanted. And I refuse to feel guilty for it.
This is marvelous! Thank you so much for these steps.
I would add one more: The people who raised you were likely raised by flawed parents, as well. They likely also were abused. Someone has to stop the cycle. Let it be you. And, please re-read this list of steps. They are priceless.
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Caring for Aging Parents Who Didn’t Care for You
Sometimes the easiest way to deal with the situation is to assume the "attitude" of a professional, such as social worker, attorney or pastor. You don't have to "love" a person who has done everything in their power to be unloving towards you, but you can act professionally and do "what is right" out of human concern and compassion for a dysfunctional person.
Been there, done that....I was not abused, but I was certainly neglected. In retrospect this was actually a life advantage, because I grew up fiercely independent and able to take care of myself at a young age. When my parents became elderly, I stepped in out of a sense of family responsibility and concern - not out of love.
One does not have to feel "love" to do what is right in a situation. An example of this is if a parent gives birth to a child they really cannot stand! However, out of a sense of parental responsibility they usually care for that child, Love is not part of the picture - but family responsibility and an ethic of care goven their behavior towards the child that is difficult to love.
After maintaining a distant relationship with my parents and sister for many years, I abruptly became a caregiver three years ago. It has been, by far, the most challenging experience of my life. I've learned and grown a great deal from it but I've often feared that the PTSD and torrent of emotion would become more than I can handle.
My childhood was like Nancy's -- violent, abusive mother and distant father who was totally incapable of dealing with the situation. My parents never moved from my childhood home and I feel anxious every time I visit there. I'm always afraid of having nightmares and panic attacks.
I totally relate to sibling issues. Dealing with my sister, who reminds me of my mother, especially her anger, has sometimes been the most difficult part of the experience. It makes me sad that we can't be more united and supportive of each other. She triggers very intense feelings in me.
My sister and I have had to handle all our parent's affairs -- medical, legal, financial etc. We've provided very good care for them. My mother went to assisted living and passed away more than two years ago. Fortunately, to my amazement, my last contacts with her were very positive. She became a happier person at the end of her life.
My father has been living at home with live-in aides. His health is declining and he could go at any time. I have been working through intense feelings of terror the past few months and dread having to go through the funeral and aftermath and be involved with my sister. Sometimes I want to forget I have a family.
In spite of the pain and agony, I know if I stay with the process, I will grow emotionally and spiritually. Prayer and meditation are what have gotten me through so far.
I send compassion and concern to everyone who is caring for abusive parents.
She told me: "I fed you.". Gee, is that all it takes to be a parent????
Is that all I need to do for her????
Oddly enough, after recently losing my temper and removing myself from the situation; all of a sudden my mom doesn't need constant attention. Suddenly she can do more for herself when faced with the possibility of being left to her own devices alone.
My husband stepped in for a couple of weeks and attended to mom's major needs (doc visits). I was fully ready to throw in the towel but Hub said that was wrong. Caregiver burnout I guess.
In any case, the old girl has changed her tune after having tried to suck the life out of me for 11 yrs.
Now she can do much for herself. Not quite the helpless little waif she would have everyone believe. Oh my.
How I chose to treat them (they have both passed on) is a reflection on me and my morality and has little relevance on things that happened when I was a child. I turned out ok, somehow... How I treated them is MY "karma". I stepped forward after Mom's stroke and took good care of her.
Today I have no regrets. This may be a bit philosophical to put into practice in the day-to-day but I can't tell you how glad I am that I acted in the manner I chose.
I mostly had neglect to deal with not actual abuse so this may not work for some but I wanted to share this in the hopes it could help someone making decisions around these issues...
It really helped me to focus on the big picture and how my actions would reflect on me and my life instead of focusing on their actions (or lack of actions).
It took time, age and distance to figure this out (I was in my 40s) but thankfully I was able to spend the last years of their lives with good relationships and act in ways that I feel good about.
We know how it will end.
"MOM, thanks for giving me birth. The one time you thought of someone other than yourself".
In don't blame you one bit. Sometimes blood relatives make you wish for a transfusion.
If every time I see mine all they're going to do is make you feel like s__t and tear me down so they can feel better about themselves, then they have no place in my life. My mother, for example, called me in the middle of the night a few days ago to demand $500 so she could go slumming in Puerto Rico with her 40-something y/o, coke-sniffing, part-time shadow husband. When I asked what for, she said she didn't have to explain to anyone what she does with "her money." I hung up. She left a message in my voice-mail, calling me an "ingrato," wishing she had choked me between her legs when she said the chance, and telling me to forget she's my mother. I called her back and told her "I almost have. .. 'Que te vaya bien.' " A couple of my sisters called about half an hour later (from New Jersey and Texas), telling me that I made her cry and that I should go to her cockroach apartment in the South Bronx, get on my knees, and beg her forgiveness. Out of the question! Then they said "It's only money, and you have only one mother." To which I responded "Then you give it to her ... let me see you live without it ... [and] you can have her." (I'm omitting the Spanish expletives in this comment. There's no real translation for them in English and I might get kicked out of this forum.)
Old age might have slowed her down, but she hasn't changed at all. If I'm to hang on to what's left of my sanity, our relationship has to be sacrificed.
Thank you for sharing SS.
-- ED
I agree when you say there's only so much counseling can do. In the beginning, talk therapy sessions allowed me to vent about some of the mother-related frustrations that heightened when she lived in my home for a while. Then the psychologist, whom I could tell had deep-seated emotional issues of his own, tried to make me believe everything that went, is, and will go wrong in my life is because of something my mother did. Six months later, he hands me a Client Satisfaction Survey to fill out and return to him. I gave it to the psychiatrist (his boss) and suggested she help my counselor with his own mother issues.
If children came with instructions everyone would at least have a shot at being the perfect mom or dad, but even with a manual parents find themselves having to improvise, adapt, and overcome. I'm not excusing Nancy's mother in any way, but we can't allow our abusive parents to continue dictating the direction and quality of our lives or blame them for our inadequacies as parents or caregivers.
No matter the hand we're dealt, we should always strive to become a better man/woman, a better person, and a better human being. Sometimes this process requires we rewind the tape of our existence, see what went wrong or we can improve on, put it in its proper perspective, and move forward. Whatever we can't erase, however painful, we cope with or try to find some closure.
Yes, I have a love-hate relationship with my mother. She knows that disrespecting or mistreating me and my own family is no longer an option for her. I've made it abundantly clear that if every time she comes by all she wants to do is rent space in my head because she feels entitled, I either tell her I'm raising the rent or I'm evicting her from my life.
Abused or not, I'm the one in charge -- and responsible for -- my own life. For years I expected an apology that never came, but then I realized she was just a stunted child that never grew up alongside her children. So she settled for alpha female with delusions of Superwoman. Might made right, and that was that. Take it or leave it -- but there was no escape.
To all the Nancy's out there: When you're running from yourself there's no place to hide. The time will come when you'll have to face your fears, stop looking elsewhere for the answers within, and have a talk with that person in the mirror. ... Then brew a fresh pot of coffee, ask Joan Crawford to come over, reconcile your differences, and everybody will be happy. ... Or not.
Sweetie, I don't even know where to start with this conversation. Guess if i had to start, this is what i would say, "Get far,far away from your dad".I UNDERSTAND what u went thru, there is no loving and respectable father who would do these thing to their daughter. (I know) and things are NOt going to change. If I understand your post correctly,u r married? If u r happily married, make a life with ur husband and forget ur father. That was a life time ago.Move on with ur life and be happy. Remember,ur past can only keep you there if u let it. Been there, Good luck girl, wishing u the best and please let me know how u r doing. SD
I really believe in trying to treat others as Jesus would, and pray constantly, but right now I don't have it in me to deal with my mother anymore.
I am thankful for a spot like this to vent and get support.
There is a wonderful organization called aplaceformom.com that helps to find housing situations for seniors. I'm working with them. My dad lives in a very depressed area (economically) so the choices are limited. I'd like for him to stay where he is for as long as possible because he likes it and the place is the nicest home he's ever had. With home health care, it is cheaper than a nursing home and much nicer. It's a daily challenge!
Thanks so much for your note. It's nice not to feel alone.
My father sexually abused me after my mother died when I was 11. He now denies it, but he denies a lot of the things he did during his life. I went through counseling many years ago and was advised to "divorce him." I did, in my mind, and it felt very freeing and wonderful! Since I am an only child and he never remarried after my mother's death, I wrote him a letter and told him that he needed to make plans for his elder years because I was unable to care for him in my home (he and my husband have never gotten along, but that's another story entirely!). So he took out a long-term care policy.
Several years ago he fell in his mobile home, and, to make a long story a bit shorter, I helped him find a really nice retirement center that he could afford (it's only independent living, not assisted living). He moved in and was quite happy. He lives 2,500 miles from me.
In the past year, he has started to fail in a big way (diagnosed with dementia and has heart problems, etc. etc.). He got himself involved in some major financial scams despite the fact that I thought I had set up a good system for him to pay his bills, etc.
Bottom line is that now he needs more care than the retirement home can provide. I've hired a home health agency to come in 3 times a day to check on him after his most recent fall and lying on the floor for either several hours or several days, depending on when he tells the story. I have total control over his finances so that he doesn't send all of his money to scammers. I pay all the bills, take care of all of the insurance issues, etc. I have Power of Attorney and all the appropriate legal papers are in order.
The biggest issue now is how to deal with his declining health. When people say, "Oh, you need to move him to your town, at least, if not into your home," I want to scream! Don't you understand, this is a man who abused me, and who I "divorced" in my mind years ago, and now you want me to provide daily care? I don't think so!
My commitment is to make sure he is in a safe environment and gets care, but there is no way I can provide care on a daily basis. I only hope that I don't have to spend my savings to provide a safe environment, since I have no children of my own who can help me in 20 years or so when I need it!
It has helped me immensely to think of myself, not as his daughter, but as his "care manager." It has removed much of the negative emotion from the situation and allows me to function more effectively without getting back into my "abused daughter" mindset.
Thanks for all everyone does for their parents in these difficult situations, and thanks for allowing us to have a place to express these difficult feelings.
There should be no guilt on your part. Your sister may be able to get beyond the physical abuse, through counseling or however she has dealt with it, and I commend her for that. Yet, you are two different people with different issues, even though you have the same aging parent. You have to make your own choices.
Carol
My sister directed me to this article, she was the one more physically abused. I'm sorry, sis- but I couldn't take care of mother even if she'd let me and I wanted. And I refuse to feel guilty for it.
I would add one more:
The people who raised you were likely raised by flawed parents, as well. They likely also were abused. Someone has to stop the cycle. Let it be you. And, please re-read this list of steps. They are priceless.
Carol