This article has hit home,it is comforting to know that elsewhere these issues exsist. As a young adult I never understood why my mother was so abusive,now I relize that she was probably bi-polar and no one ever did anything to help her. We all use to think,how can she be so cruel manipulative and out right evil and feel justified all at the same time. The woman that I care for is none of the above,she is kind considerate of my children ,the mother i would have wanted growing up. I forgave her for all of her shortcomings(that's a understatment) and dont dwell on the past,it was not a happy one,but relizing that she gave me life and at one point cared and provided for me as I do for her now.

i would care for my mom who didn't raise me.

I turned a corner in handling my own issues of early childhood trauma from poor parenting when I realized (it was like a light bulb coming on) that my parents have no reason to be held up to high expectations simply because they were my parents. They are human and have feet of clay (as many folks) and their failings (so I now feel) were not evil actions but mistakes made by people with their own crosses to bear.

How I chose to treat them (they have both passed on) is a reflection on me and my morality and has little relevance on things that happened when I was a child. I turned out ok, somehow... How I treated them is MY "karma". I stepped forward after Mom's stroke and took good care of her.

Today I have no regrets. This may be a bit philosophical to put into practice in the day-to-day but I can't tell you how glad I am that I acted in the manner I chose.

I mostly had neglect to deal with not actual abuse so this may not work for some but I wanted to share this in the hopes it could help someone making decisions around these issues...

It really helped me to focus on the big picture and how my actions would reflect on me and my life instead of focusing on their actions (or lack of actions).

It took time, age and distance to figure this out (I was in my 40s) but thankfully I was able to spend the last years of their lives with good relationships and act in ways that I feel good about.

great article!! I am reading everything about being a caregiver.

The devil and all his agents have their fun with us now, but we've read the end of the book.
We know how it will end.

I have a friend that does her own greeting cards on her computer. You could make a Mothers Day card that says:

"MOM, thanks for giving me birth. The one time you thought of someone other than yourself".

SS:

In don't blame you one bit. Sometimes blood relatives make you wish for a transfusion.

If every time I see mine all they're going to do is make you feel like s__t and tear me down so they can feel better about themselves, then they have no place in my life. My mother, for example, called me in the middle of the night a few days ago to demand $500 so she could go slumming in Puerto Rico with her 40-something y/o, coke-sniffing, part-time shadow husband. When I asked what for, she said she didn't have to explain to anyone what she does with "her money." I hung up. She left a message in my voice-mail, calling me an "ingrato," wishing she had choked me between her legs when she said the chance, and telling me to forget she's my mother. I called her back and told her "I almost have. .. 'Que te vaya bien.' " A couple of my sisters called about half an hour later (from New Jersey and Texas), telling me that I made her cry and that I should go to her cockroach apartment in the South Bronx, get on my knees, and beg her forgiveness. Out of the question! Then they said "It's only money, and you have only one mother." To which I responded "Then you give it to her ... let me see you live without it ... [and] you can have her." (I'm omitting the Spanish expletives in this comment. There's no real translation for them in English and I might get kicked out of this forum.)

Old age might have slowed her down, but she hasn't changed at all. If I'm to hang on to what's left of my sanity, our relationship has to be sacrificed.

Thank you for sharing SS.

-- ED

Hey Ed, right on, as usual! I evicted mine, as well as her wicked offspring, I call the drama team. As for having fun, they enjoy themselves at my expense. Too bad they don't enjoy life beyond that. My head and home are now off limits to them. I laugh at their games. It's very healing. Playing with them isn't. So, I am on to healthy friends, and letting the sleeping dogs lie. Vengeance is not mine, but thinking about mom's millstone gives me closure. Sad, but fitting.

My mother was like Nancy's, and to this day she'll never admit to having done anything wrong. Through constant corporal punishment and psychological terror tactics she ensured our total obedience. Over time, my memories have been refined to trick myself into believing she did the best with what she had. The physical injuries I could get over, but the emotional wounds still haven't healed ... and probably never will. They're just too deep and I've had no choice but learn to live with them. Because I can't bring myself to forgiving her, trying to forget -- or rather, deny -- is the only coping mechanism that works.

I agree when you say there's only so much counseling can do. In the beginning, talk therapy sessions allowed me to vent about some of the mother-related frustrations that heightened when she lived in my home for a while. Then the psychologist, whom I could tell had deep-seated emotional issues of his own, tried to make me believe everything that went, is, and will go wrong in my life is because of something my mother did. Six months later, he hands me a Client Satisfaction Survey to fill out and return to him. I gave it to the psychiatrist (his boss) and suggested she help my counselor with his own mother issues.

If children came with instructions everyone would at least have a shot at being the perfect mom or dad, but even with a manual parents find themselves having to improvise, adapt, and overcome. I'm not excusing Nancy's mother in any way, but we can't allow our abusive parents to continue dictating the direction and quality of our lives or blame them for our inadequacies as parents or caregivers.

No matter the hand we're dealt, we should always strive to become a better man/woman, a better person, and a better human being. Sometimes this process requires we rewind the tape of our existence, see what went wrong or we can improve on, put it in its proper perspective, and move forward. Whatever we can't erase, however painful, we cope with or try to find some closure.

Yes, I have a love-hate relationship with my mother. She knows that disrespecting or mistreating me and my own family is no longer an option for her. I've made it abundantly clear that if every time she comes by all she wants to do is rent space in my head because she feels entitled, I either tell her I'm raising the rent or I'm evicting her from my life.

Abused or not, I'm the one in charge -- and responsible for -- my own life. For years I expected an apology that never came, but then I realized she was just a stunted child that never grew up alongside her children. So she settled for alpha female with delusions of Superwoman. Might made right, and that was that. Take it or leave it -- but there was no escape.

To all the Nancy's out there: When you're running from yourself there's no place to hide. The time will come when you'll have to face your fears, stop looking elsewhere for the answers within, and have a talk with that person in the mirror. ... Then brew a fresh pot of coffee, ask Joan Crawford to come over, reconcile your differences, and everybody will be happy. ... Or not.

Dear Shantiaj,
Sweetie, I don't even know where to start with this conversation. Guess if i had to start, this is what i would say, "Get far,far away from your dad".I UNDERSTAND what u went thru, there is no loving and respectable father who would do these thing to their daughter. (I know) and things are NOt going to change. If I understand your post correctly,u r married? If u r happily married, make a life with ur husband and forget ur father. That was a life time ago.Move on with ur life and be happy. Remember,ur past can only keep you there if u let it. Been there, Good luck girl, wishing u the best and please let me know how u r doing. SD

I am new to this site, and can identify with many in this discussion, most especially 'Sunshine2Day''s comments from 11/09. My narcissistic mother's been in a nursing home for the past 3 months, starting out as rehab. This is a woman who has not lifted a finger to help herself in 30 yrs.(she's 75), since she went on disability at age 45 for an injured knee. Her sedentary lifestyle has led to numerous health issues. She'd always been emotionally ill, and verbally abusive, and it only worsened with her disability. As I've gotten older, and with some therapy along the way, I know much of her problems stem from her own crazy childhood-but you can only allow for that for so long. She is controlling, coniving, game-playing-and somewhat like a 4 yr. old throwing tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants. She's never happy unless she is the center of all of our attention, and loves the drama. My dad's been gone for several yrs., but waited on her hand and foot until the day he died-anything to keep her from yelling and screaming about how nobody cares about her. She need's long-term skilled care (and has needed it for awhile) and decided to stay in the nursing home, after her rehab time was finished, but is now homesick and demanding to go home. According to her, I am the evil daughter who put her where she is now (forget the hospitilization and her own decision to remain in skilled nursing) and am selfish and hateful because I won't take her home until home-health care can be arranged, which she is quite capable of doing, or at least can help with. Despite all of the anguish over the years, I don't want her to be unhappy. My husband is very kind and good with her, and tells me I just need to stay away from her. He's right, she and I really don't like each other, but I feel obligated. The part that I'm not liking about myself right now is that I find I don't want to help her or be around her at all-I'm just so tired of all the drama and accusations. For now I am going to stay away for awhile and let her do the work to get what she wants, instead of 'fixing it' because she demands it. She has 'cried wolf' for so many years that my brother and I are pretty numb to her complaints-but I don't want to diminish the real pain that comes from leaving her home of 50 yrs.

I really believe in trying to treat others as Jesus would, and pray constantly, but right now I don't have it in me to deal with my mother anymore.

I am thankful for a spot like this to vent and get support.

You are more than welcome. Sorry you have to struggle with VA, but sounds like you will find a way to make things work. I understand tedious, but that's what it takes. I gather you can handle that. Have you talked with a financial planner or Elder Law Attorney concerning your dad's assets? They can guide and direct you. If he has "too much money," perhaps getting some assistance is in order. There's always private care to consider. That would spend down some of his funds, which may help him qualify. Just some thoughts. A couple of gentlemen on this site may be able to direct you. Hopefully they will post. Both very intelligent in these matters. Best wishes, and will continue to watch and see how things go for you.

Thanks, SecretSister. Yes, I am trying to get my dad Veterans Assistance. After spending months on the 38-page application and having it denied, I'm determined to beat the VA at their own game, but it's very tedious. He has too much money for Medicaid at this point (by just a bit).

There is a wonderful organization called aplaceformom.com that helps to find housing situations for seniors. I'm working with them. My dad lives in a very depressed area (economically) so the choices are limited. I'd like for him to stay where he is for as long as possible because he likes it and the place is the nicest home he's ever had. With home health care, it is cheaper than a nursing home and much nicer. It's a daily challenge!

Thanks so much for your note. It's nice not to feel alone.

Dear Meiho, Thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate your bravery and compassion. I would not recommend you use your own funds to care for your Dad. Have you considered getting some aid, and moving your Dad to a nursing home? I think you are very wise to recognize your limits. Will keep you and your family in prayer, and support you while this unfolds. Know you're not alone.

Hi, I just found this site, and I loved the list of things to do to take care of yourself. As someone said, if you don't take care of yourself, you can't talk care of anyone else.

My father sexually abused me after my mother died when I was 11. He now denies it, but he denies a lot of the things he did during his life. I went through counseling many years ago and was advised to "divorce him." I did, in my mind, and it felt very freeing and wonderful! Since I am an only child and he never remarried after my mother's death, I wrote him a letter and told him that he needed to make plans for his elder years because I was unable to care for him in my home (he and my husband have never gotten along, but that's another story entirely!). So he took out a long-term care policy.

Several years ago he fell in his mobile home, and, to make a long story a bit shorter, I helped him find a really nice retirement center that he could afford (it's only independent living, not assisted living). He moved in and was quite happy. He lives 2,500 miles from me.

In the past year, he has started to fail in a big way (diagnosed with dementia and has heart problems, etc. etc.). He got himself involved in some major financial scams despite the fact that I thought I had set up a good system for him to pay his bills, etc.

Bottom line is that now he needs more care than the retirement home can provide. I've hired a home health agency to come in 3 times a day to check on him after his most recent fall and lying on the floor for either several hours or several days, depending on when he tells the story. I have total control over his finances so that he doesn't send all of his money to scammers. I pay all the bills, take care of all of the insurance issues, etc. I have Power of Attorney and all the appropriate legal papers are in order.

The biggest issue now is how to deal with his declining health. When people say, "Oh, you need to move him to your town, at least, if not into your home," I want to scream! Don't you understand, this is a man who abused me, and who I "divorced" in my mind years ago, and now you want me to provide daily care? I don't think so!

My commitment is to make sure he is in a safe environment and gets care, but there is no way I can provide care on a daily basis. I only hope that I don't have to spend my savings to provide a safe environment, since I have no children of my own who can help me in 20 years or so when I need it!

It has helped me immensely to think of myself, not as his daughter, but as his "care manager." It has removed much of the negative emotion from the situation and allows me to function more effectively without getting back into my "abused daughter" mindset.

Thanks for all everyone does for their parents in these difficult situations, and thanks for allowing us to have a place to express these difficult feelings.

Dear Sunshine2Day, thanks for the encouragement. Thank God indeed!

Great post sunshine I agree one hundred percent

I feel so sad for everyone who has experienced the wound of a narcissistic mother - there is no other wound so great. But, to the credit of so many (including myself), we have all tried to heal ourselves through counseling or reaching out to others who share the same pain. I am presently caregiver (along with my brothers) to my 90 year old narcissistic mother who, though now frail and half-deaf, still manages to press everyone's buttons with vigor. Sometimes, I think the only thing keeping her going is her need to control everyone - STILL! Thank God my brothers & I have remained close in spite of her manipulations & games (an amazing feat) and having a great sense of humor really really helped. To all those who have gone through the depressing journey of dealing with a narcissistic parent, heal yourselves first and foremost, don't waste time on guilt and laugh whenever and wherever you can - it truly is the best medicine! And so is this site.

Carol, thank you for writing and sharing this article. The stories here are as heartbreaking as mine. We share a common struggle. Just loved Gettingwiser's post, too. Thank you for that. I am hoping to study and practice what you shared, as well. I am so grateful for this site.

I am in the exact situation kathyk my mother has lived here for 18 months here I mean in my home at first she tried her ridiculing me in front of my friends I polietly talked to her about this and told her she did not make fun of me she made a ass out of herself, before she makes fun of what I look like she should look in the mirror as out of her three children I look the most like her that stopped, now she is just a lazy slob as you so well put it a guest she even eats in her room she is narcissistic, It is very hard to deal with but at this point since she knows everything there ever was to know I leave her to her own devices some days we don't say two words to each other, I don't love her either I don't trust her she's done too many things to me . and my sister, my brother now is the crown prince of nowhere, funny he never has called her since my father died 2 1/2 years ago no cards doesn't even care about what I am going thru thats okay I did go to therapy for a time to find some tools to deal with my mother the best tool I was given was to do nothing do not react to her pouts her outbursts Ihave no emotions towards her so that is easy the only thing I feel is anger and disdain, I just don't show it to her which is what she wants me to do. she now wants to move this is the fourth time she's brought it up, she can do so much in her mind so go do it, I am not yur slave I've moved her and my father from pillar to post all my life I'm finished as far as I'm concerned the only other move will be to a nursing home or to the funeral home. I know that sounds terrible but it is the truth. She has never tried to be loving but thinks she is . It's always about her I found out last year I had 1/3 blockage in my heart had to stay the night in hospital thought I was having a heart attack, I came home and sat on the sofa and she makes her self something to eat and sits right next to me doesn't even bother to aske me if I'm hungry thirsty how do I feel what did they find nothing just sits there and eats than goes to her room so that in itself told me she doesn't care about me never did I am only here to serve her well beleive me at first I did thought this would be the time we would finally have that mother daughter relationship again I was wrong so I give up I will take ccare of her to the best of my ability when I cannot I just won't be able to I still have to work, have my own health issues physically and mentally lots of arthritis, etc from working all my life thats all I know how to do is work. I am a crazy person I am always thinking up ways to make more work for myself I can't even sit still long enough to watch a whole movie. I have to jump up and do something during commercials thats pretty sad. Some days/weeks I do great than bingo one little thing will get me all nervous and depressed again. its very hard but one lesson I learned just recently there is NO reason to feel guilty about the way I feel and you know what with practice it gets easier and easier and easier it will for you to God bless you and keep you in the palm of his hands.

This article is on point for me. I said my mother could move in with me..and she did, about 8 weeks ago. I had thought, and hoped, that I had moved past a great deal of resentment about her self-focus (that allowed a horrific childhood with an abusive, alcohlic father)..she is a survivor of childhood abuse herself (her grandfather when she was five), and probably as a result has always been submissive to men. The problem is that I have realized that I cannot relax with her in my home. I dread coming home, thankfully, I still work and will for another 7-10 years. I still resent her, her 'victim mannerisms' create tension in me, and I try to avoid her. I have never been able to be honest with her, and now she is here, legally blind, doing her best to be a good 'guest'..and unknowingly driving me back into a depression I fought for years to come out of. What do I do now? She has invested $20k in our home, I have given her two rooms and her own bath, and we take our dinners together. It's only been 8 weeks and I could cry every day. I have come to know that whereas I care about her, I don't love her as a mother. I don't think I ever did. I just pretended but that was expected..and I guess I am still being the 'good daughter' by letting here live here. Will I get used to this situation? Does it get better/easier? Is 8 weeks too soon to judge the situation?

Good for you. You do have to take care of yourself. The counseling idea is for those who think it would help (many areas have free or sliding scale ), but many people are beyond that. If you just can't do it, you can't. Bi-polar is hard enough to deal with when you have support. Without it, and without support from a parent, it's even worse. Your health has to be your number one priority.

There should be no guilt on your part. Your sister may be able to get beyond the physical abuse, through counseling or however she has dealt with it, and I commend her for that. Yet, you are two different people with different issues, even though you have the same aging parent. You have to make your own choices.

Carol

This article assumes there's counseling available and that there's $ to hire a caregiver. I live on disability with bipolar and ptsd (because of Mother), with numerous health issues (most stress related) and was homeless as recently as '06 (4 winter months I almost froze to death). My mother's health is better then mine- even though she's almost 80- and she had LOTS of $ at one time which she squandered. (I'm polite to her, but I have to take care of myself first- no one else will.)

My sister directed me to this article, she was the one more physically abused. I'm sorry, sis- but I couldn't take care of mother even if she'd let me and I wanted. And I refuse to feel guilty for it.

This is marvelous! Thank you so much for these steps.

I would add one more:
The people who raised you were likely raised by flawed parents, as well. They likely also were abused. Someone has to stop the cycle. Let it be you. And, please re-read this list of steps. They are priceless.

Carol

I just came back from my father's funeral. He was physically abusive and emotionally absent. I want to say to all those who have or had abusive parents that it is helpful to understand that by working through one's relationship with an abusive parent is soemthing that will make you emotionally stronger and wiser. Here are some things I learned in therapy:

1. Honor thy mother and father could perhaps mean that you must honor their decision to live like they do and suffer the consequences that they must by living like they do. IN OTHER WORDS, DON'T TRY TO MAKE THEM CHANGE OR ADMIT THEIR ABUSIVENESS--MOST ARE IN DENIAL. NO ONE HAS THE POWER TO CHANGE ANOTHER.

2. Your first responsibility is to your family and yourself. You do not need to live your life as a servant to the abuser.

3. You are not responsible for their behavior only how you react to their behavior.
If you continue to listen to degradation and criticism, then you must examine why you allow this to happen.

4. Do not feel comfortable when people are abusive to you. Set your standards high. Treat others as you would like to be treated and surround yourself with supportive people. Set your boundaries and standards high. No one can break those and still be in your circle.

5. Get blank cards and write a note in the card for holidays. Say things like May your day be filled with all those things you wish for.

6. Pray for the abuser.

7. Don't feel bad about getting someone a Medicaid bed. Their actions put in motion the consequences long ago. They could always apologize and start treating you differently if they wanted change.

8. Remember that the abusers are typically self abusers and have low self esteem. Try treating them as you would like to be treated. It is weird but when I do that and then draw back when they are abusive, it sets a distance and they really don't want to be around me. They feel comfortable being abusive adn when I do not participate it is too hard for them.

9. Keep yur private life private and do not share intimate details with someone who is not a reformed abuser.

10. Pray for them--its on here twice because it is critical. You are only responsible for their basic needs and that does not mean sacrificing your life for them.

11. Do not seek their apporval. Remember, you need to understand they are most likely mentally ill and dealing with a mentally ill person is difficult. Do not take what they say personally--that is mental illness speaking. Need nothing from them.

Hope this helps. Read the Course of Miracles especially the Urtex. Bless all of you and pray for all in such relationships. Love to all--

Hmm, maybe we should start a side business? Design our own as a group catharsis?

That could be difficult, but we can share our thoughts and lighten the load. Keeping stress inside just eats us up. Sharing even our darkest thoughts and finding others have them is so empowering. We're here to share our humaness.

Carol

Carol, I love the idea of greeting cards for "dysfunctional families" too. I think it could be very therapeutic.

I'm humbled, Billie. Please do keep in touch. I'll be checking in on the forum more as time goes by, too. And you'll make other friends, there, as well. Do take care of yourself.
Blessings,
Carol

Thank you Carol!!! This is a new beginning for today! For someone to respond to me in the neutral sense- but yet experiencing it. My prayer was answered fast!

Thank you! I need to check out this site more -I am beginning to really like the forum set-up of different areas. I have felt so pounded lately I don't even have intrest in my computor and that was definitely my escape! I don't even like to look in the mirror lately! And that is DEFINITELY not me! I have always been so energetic and love for life. THANK YOU for your reply!I feel this must be a life-line thrown out to me!

I know, first hand, how hard it is to be able to attend physical support groups. They are great, but not always possible. The Internet and books are true gifts. I'm glad you found this site.

You've hit the nail on the head when you say how different it is to be on the caregiving end (family) than the professional end (nursing). I hear this often when I speak to professionals.

Do try your best to take care of yourself and your son, and check in on this site often. You may want to jump in on the forum, if you haven't already. You are fortunate to have such a caring son. I'll bet you were a great mother.

Carol