Thank you for all your wonderful advice & sharing. It has been very helpful for me. Mom live at my sisters now & I am finding it hard to deal with as my sister & I don't get along. I have gone from seeing her everyday to not often. thanks again

I have siblings who do their own thing every holiday. I was so stressed out having my parents near me and trying to juggle my two sons and ten grandkids.

I admit, it would have been nice to have a sibling take a holiday with my parents but four years in it isnt happening.

I do brunch the day if the holiday. The day after I bring the main meal and it has been a wonderful blend.

Excellent says what needs to be said and I hope that I can live it!

Thank you I so needed this. I was crying to my partner about how different Xmas will be as my dad is deteriorating. I live & care for my dad with my daughter. Usually we all sit at the table but reality is he might not. So I'm going to make Xmas day simple as dad's eating isn't like it used to be. So we will fit around him & I will put out treats for the carers & just make it a simple party . Thank you

I don’t feel like cooking a huge Thanksgiving dinner 🥘 this year . I will put up a tree 🌲 and cook a Christmas dinner .

My mother and aunt are not able to leave their homes for a family dinner due to mobility and aging issues. They have decided to do a small "open house" and have desserts and appetizers served at their homes. Immediate family with their little ones can stop by for short visits to celebrate. Their homes will be decorated simply. Its a different year for everyone and we lost my dad last June. I am surprised mom wants to do anything but I will help her.

Seventh Day Adventists do not celebrate such holidays, so when mom died the impact of "holiday cheer," "deck the halls" and a plethora of stores shoving holiday music and Santa down our throats to coerce us to spend money we don't have with credit cards, I did not suffer "holiday blues" like most would. I grew up without such holiday hoopla.

I treat Thanksgiving and Christmas as I do any other day..except now I'm working and I can make time-and-a-half on holidays! Yay!

My ex-sister-in-law goes through terrible depression during Christmas because her mom died on that day. She had a massive heart attack and died. But she is not Seventh Day Adventist so she celebrated Christmas with all the trimmings, expensive gifts, tons of food and the like. Her expectations of of the holidays makes her terribly depressed along with money problems and expectations of family making a big shin-dig out of Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's very hard on her and she goes in terrible depression!

I miss mom -- she died but a month ago -- but mum and I never celebrated Christmas or Thanksgiving so it's just another day. With this respect I have been spared holiday depression. The best therapy for me is going back to work, and enjoying time-and-a-half pay.

Now I'm trying to focus on my own life..I'm also back at university and do something I always wanted but never could because mum was 24/7 care. I still miss her terribly, but we all die. We are supposed to die. Nobody will escape it and considering how she was (the Alzheimer's was so severe she no longer spoke and could not even move her facial muscles and I had to do range of motion a few times a day so her arms would not lock up, and kept alive with a PEG feeding tube which provided all her needs), I realize she is better off. It would be selfish and cruel to wish her alive back to that. Irony it was NOT Alzheimer's that killed her. She had liver tumors, which I knew about over a year..and she went into liver failure, turned jaundiced...bilirubin in her urine caused kidney failure and death. However, she never suffered. She died very peacefully and I thank God for the PEG tube because she was never dehydrated. Death by dehydration (no feeding tube) can take 2 to 3 weeks and nobody ever talks about that. So even if she could walk, talk, care for herself the SAME THING would have happened to her. It was just meant for her to go and I'm thankful she made it to age 90. Only 4.7% of the population age 65 and over make it to age 90 so she beat the odds DESPITE all her comoribidies like insulin dependant diabetes, hypertension, and so on...she was in good health physically..just her mind was eaten up with Alzheimers. If her liver did not fail she could have lasted at least a few more years, but entirely brain dead. Still I cared for her and even moved her to the living room daily in her easy chair via HOyer lift -- she sat there daily for 8 to 10 hours. It was good for her breathing to be sitting up and she seemed better in the living room with the TV on. She died with CLEAR LUNGS and NO UTIs. Her skin was 100% intact. It was her liver failure that got her. It was just meant to be. (yes I got all that checked!).

I gave her a very comfortable life and nobody on this planet could have taken better care of her than me. I know I did above and beyond caring for mum all these years so I cannot possibly reproach myself even if I tried.

Still I think Seventh Day Adventists have the upper hand when it comes to holidays due to not practicing the hoopla as it is against our religion. We believe gluttony is a mortal sin as is meat so Thanksgiving was not observed either.

My religion has helped sustain me and I pray yours finds you comfort and peace as well.

I took care of my mother with Alzheimer's Disease for over 10 years until her death here at home just shy of Thanksgiving in 2016. Until then I always managed to give her as much connection with our holidays as I thought she was able to enjoy but towards the end, that amounted to my nieces and nephews going into her room (by this time she was bed bound) and greeting her specially for that holiday (we're Jewish so we have a lot of holidays). She loved being part of things and I tried to have family celebrations early so she could participate.

Again towards the end, I'm not sure she actually understood when it was Rosh Ha Shonah and Yom Kippur, but she smiled and engaged everyone who came by and said "Shonah tovah!"

With dementia, they are living in the past. There may be a glimmer of recognizing the current celebration, but most likely not. All the efforts put into making Christmas of 2016 "wonderful in every way" was all for naught. When asked if she remembered any of it -- "well, no." Even photos were not convincing. Do what you can, but be good to yourself too.

I want to say thank you for this place. I have come empty and been helped so many times. Just to know that you can read and share makes some days bearable. And the agencies and other resources offered here give me hope that I will find the right answer when I need it. Thanks, guys. You are a blessing

Thank you. That's all I can muster as I wipe my eyes with grateful tears. As a recovering perfectionist and people pleaser, I needed this reminder. Big time. So, thank you. :-)

Thank you for this incredible article! It made me tear up because it tells the real truth so movingly and eloquently. My Dad's 89th birthday was yesterday. The preparations took more than a week, and at one point I found myself driving on the freeway, suffering a panic attack that made me blind for 10 minutes and paralyzed my hands. I was taking Dad home from his assisted living place at the time. I managed to pull off the freeway before I killed us. We just sat there together while I had what I thought was a seizure or a stroke. When I learned later that it was "just" anxiety, I started to understand that I had undertaken the impossible in trying to make this birthday party "work".

Thank you for saying everything that you said. I'm now trying to let go of my old ideas, so that I can be open to gratitude for what it--i.e., that we still have my beloved, wonderful, extraordinary father with us.

Peace to you,
Elizabeth

I understand you completely. My problem is more me than it is my mother. she is not relly that hard to care fore except when she walks around looking ofr something she has not ide what she is looking for and slams her dresser drawers for half the night sometimes. I guess what is in those drawers she feels is all she has left. they get so self centered that in their own way the are controlling. that is why you have to learn to protect yourelf and your emotions by getting away. even for a few hours. I am THE only caregiver and everyone tells me to get help. For what?. I am not working and it is all me. I will have to have someone come in soon though even a couple of times a week. tis huse and whatever I inherit is the only thing that will get me started again in life so I am not moving. Hate to say it that ay but it is a fact. My care, I am sure, is higher quality than she would get in a home.

Thank you for this reminder. Last year I worked hard to prepare "Christmas" for my elderly child mother. And when asked what she had gotten for Christmas, she replied, "Just a bunch of junk. Nothing really." It kind of hurt my feelings. This year is a depressing holiday. She is much further into dementia. And I'm tired of being the primary and only care giver with virtually no other support. I am considering placing her in a home after the holidays because, it's just to much. Gone are the Christmases of yore.

it is a great thing to have these articles so people know they are not alone. Holidays for my mom and I mean nothing and are not celebrated any more. Thanksgiving was always my favorite and when my family was together it was a real special day. Now divorced and having grown children, Ijust tell them to go with their mom . I am in notmood to clean the house and prepare for a day where my mom has not idea what day it is. At some point after she is gone and my children have their children I hope and pray that I will be healthy enough and still young enough to re start holiday merriment. I know this sounds dark but I have resigned myself to the fact that things just cannot and will not be the same. Yes I carry some resentment but I just try to get busy doing something else so I dont have to think about it. Blessings to everyone for the coming holidays.

This was a really great (and timely) article. I could "feel" every word. Thanks

We plan ahead and for turkey day we all get together in our garage. Everyone brings a part of the meal and little surprises.Hubby doesn't always know the right names,but really loves being with the littlest ones .Everyone helps.Our children bring their in-laws(in various stages of aging). I am so fortunate they all live within driving distance.

This might be a good one to bring back up now...timely, as the seasons are barreling towards us. I think, a lot of it is simply that what appeared to us as children, Glorious fun filled Holidays; everyone visiting, making cookies sharing meals, was seen through the eyes of a child. The lovely memories some of us have of family holidays, some accurate some less so, were filtered through a child's need for all to be well and for ones family to be happy and ideal. I know now that what seemed idyllic, was chalk full of pasted smiles, people on the outs, family resentments and on going tiffs that simply were not noticeable to a child.
There were some real and true good times to be had granted and I like to cherish forever those myself, it helps balance out the unpleasantness that I came to comprehend later or know at the time and glossed over with the child's ever helpful desire to coat and spin things so that they more resembles the wished for world and not the actual world I lived.
I guess we get what we get and deal with it best we can. As adults we do have a greater measure of control, which is good, but we also seen to have lost the mental situational blinders that made these occasions so...happy memorable for us...
I think, look around at the children near you during the holidays, and try to make the season as joyous for you and those around you as it appears to them. Maybe that is the best we can do. And if sincere, I think it is enough.
Perfection never really was, so why bother.

I was happy to see this topic as this Christmas was a "different" experience from the previous ones in which we grew to enjoy. My mother, at the advice of her doctor, will be moving to a permanent facility for Alzheimer's and in knowing this before the holidays, decided to let go and just enjoy......each other.

Our family "tradition" of the holidays was, in the past, before our father passed away last year, to do it all up right. Big tree with all the trimmings, decorating every room of the house and outside as well, with baking and candle lighting events around the town.

Well, not this year after our news of submission, I made the decision to focus this holiday on Mom and what brings her the most joy. Her most joy is having her love ones around her, with her, beside her. No, she doesn't carry on a conversation and she doesn't interact with us, per se. But we can see it in her facial expressions like a light coming back into her eyes. She doesn't eat the traditional Christmas feast we serve, she eats her Fruit Loops, but she sits at the table with us and listens to our laughter and conversations. And we take pictures, candid and posed and then made a photo album for her to have with her in hopes of jarring a moment in time for her to remember.

In this new transition for not only her, but for ourselves, we found acceptance and more love and more respect and most of all, we found how to feed her soul and her soul smiled back at us with a light in her eyes.

Blessings to all and a Happy New Year.

I just want to share with all of you who have some measure of sadness because your family experience, especially during the holidays, does not fit the "Norman Rockwell" picture. You probably already know but it helps sometimes to be reminded that such a family probably does not exist in real life. In my personal and professional experience I have to tell you, all families operate at some level of dysfunction because they are all made up of real humans. Some of those families that you know even, who seem to have it all together... you would be surprised or even shocked at the reality if you ever were privy to the truth. There is pain, heartache, anger, frustration or some combination of all of the above in nearly every family to some degree and many times the ones who put on the best front are suffering the most. I don't say this to be more depressing but to help all of us remember not to compare ourselves to those we think have it so much better. We can take some bit of comfort in knowing that we all have our struggles and burdens and be thankful that there are places like this where we can find an empathetic ear and an encouraging word and give one to someone else who is struggling in return. May God bring each and every one of you peace and joy in the coming year!

In gratitude to Carol & everyone on this board.

I'd just like to say how much I enjoy and rely on this site. Carol, thank you so much for your pioneering work and founding this site for caregivers. I so grateful to be a part of this community which sometimes feels like my cyber family. Merry Christmas & Happy New Year to you all! Cyber hugs to all!

Cat

The point of my previous post was not to put off your own medical needs during the holidays. If I had taken care of my health from the begining I, wouldn't have spent a week in the hospital, and missed nearly four weeks of work. It could have been a couple of days in the hospital and just a week or 2 off work, and that I had almost died because of it.

Last year for christmas i came close to dying. I, am caring for my father a stoke survivor, and my stepmother recovering from a car accident. Two weeks before I, was feel a swelling in my side, and some discomfort. I thought it can wait what with the holidays so close. Christmas eve morning while working my overnight job, a shopping cart hit my side causing intense pain.

After getting home I, called my niece to come pick me up. She lived about an hour away, using that time gave my dad a bath, made up a weeks worth of Meds. Wished them a Merry Christmas, and headed to the local emergancy room. Walking in I in so much pain I nearly passed out in the lobby. After all the test and scans they came in and told me that i had appendicitis, they wheeled me directly to surgry. After which I hardly remeber the next three days.

Great article. Much of my time is on the computer creating my art as a Photo Illustrator... while caring for my father (Alzhmeirer's;Cancer)... and all I see are the "Norman Rockwell" moments or commercials on buying gifts and eating with a "happy family". I think Carol is absolutely right... I'm one of those who wish I had a family like that... raised by my grandparents... we always had a Christmas but with the usual drama & dysfunctional activities... never "Norman Rockwell" but always with love. I have tried to make my own White Christmas as I aged because I missed it so much & then attended a few Christmas' with my ex - his family was much closer to the Rockwell's and I miss that - but, now, he too is no longer celebrating quite like they used to... he is a caretaker for his mother (86) who is very demanding and physically very fragile.

My world is sometimes just "blah" and I like happiness! I don't shop much... but, my father did (I was estranged from him most of my life & although resentment was fierce at first when I took on his care (and the rest of his family looked on with no aid), I now am glad he's my "friend"... my birthfather... my grandfather was my "father" & I watched him in the Nursing Homes at a very young age (23) after a stroke...

In any case, I ramble, thank you Carol for helping to make me feel a part of the Holiday...not a freak that is totally out of it & unincluded in the festivities. I welcome your next article & will visit your website!

As an artist working in both fine art media and art jewelry selling online and at homes, I offer clients a hassle-free, stress relieving way to purchase gifts that they don't have to wrap or send themselves. And because I am so computer literate, I can do a lot of purchasing myself online (for those gifts that I don't make myself).

I am also lucky that when things get so overwhelming that I can't function I can call my sister-in-law and she will help. Today, for example, I had an appointment to meet with a client who had commissioned a bola tie for her father. At the same time was my mother's appointment with her internest (ist?). My sister-in-law offered to take her so I could meet with my client.

My problem is that I think I don't ask for help as much as I should. But as for the holidays, well, there are eight nights of Chanuka and I'm sure at least one of them will include making latkes here.

I agree wholeheartedly with Ms. Bursack's holiday message. One year at Christmas, the very best thing I did for myself that year was to uninvite relatives who had invited themselves over to my home for Christmas and politely decline a Christmas party social event of the season. No amount of manipulation from friends and relatives worked on me as I did not accept it. Guilt and manipulation do not have to be accepted. I enjoyed a quiet Christmas and end-of-year that year, entirely relaxed, and did not buy a single Christmas gift that year. The world did not come to an end; and I felt entirely refreshed and renewed in the new year. Life goes on. Guilt is not healthy when one has done nothing wrong. Mental health and physical wellbeing and comfort are very important. Holidays can be loaded with shoulds and ought to's that are guilt inducers for some individuals who allow themselves to be sucked into the marketing hype and social manipulation.

One of the best things I have ever done for my own mental health is to read "Happiness is an Inside Job" by John Powell. He has much to say about self-acceptance which is primary for one's happiness and he totally changed my outlook by helping me to realize that not only can I not "make" anyone else happy, it's not even my job! Even better is the realization that no one else can "make" me happy. Or unhappy. Or angry or sad. I am happy in and of my own self and am confident in knowing that I am doing my very best to care for myself and my mother. What others think may or may not be of interest to me but it does not affect how I feel. That power is completely in my own hands and I refuse to let anyone else have any of it. I plan to enjoy the heck out of the holidays. Sweet!

Betsy C

October 2007 my mother came to visit and never left. Being with her 24/7 made it crystal clear that alone was no longer an option. She has been on Aricept and then later Namenda was added.......so we have seen the progression of this dementia..............she was incredibly good at covering for the lapses that SHE seemed to know she had.
Getting through the Holidays was an eaker last year due to all that we had taken on, learning, illness, etc. This year I started early and thank God for internet shopping, because I have not been out once! What gets done, gets done. I want to focus on the Little Ones in my life, and that is OUR, Mother's and my, repeated commitment.......I truly think from time to time I see a glimpse of a more selfless past from Mom......mostly not the case anymore.
I can actually enjoy much of the preparation this year, not ALL, but more than last year.
Maybe some of the grieving is over, certainly no more sleep, the tears still run at times, but the smiles are more frequent ,too. Mom does accept that her memory is gone, less of the arguing...and I still have trouble moving slowly enough, my normal way of moving seems a rush to her, and we all know that that upsets the apple cart!
Blessings and Grace for all of us during this season of stess as we try to make a special time for our loved one, maybe for the last time. Who knows, with dementia as apart of our lives, we may learn not to wait until we are old to CHERISH our memories, save things "for good", wear more jewelry now!
God Bless to all
Maureen

I'm so glad i found this sight. I'm dreading the up coming Holidays My father has Dementia and lives in assistant living however he still remembers enough that he knows what is going on but not really so we are going to my sister house for dinner that's were he lived up until last year he always want to go back there and he CAN'T BUT it just make s the holidays very hard.

I am so glad I will have this site this coming holiday season the last two holiday seasons or maybe even three my husband has been in rehab and it was a relief not to have to deal with all the commercialization of the holidays but spent a lot of time with my church family. One thing I plan on doing this year is to do less shopping and when possible instead of wrapping gifts I plan to put gifts in the cloth bags you buy in the food stores, and I hope the other caregivers will share their shortcuts. The one thing this year I will do if alone-due to the husbands treatment of me and the kids being busy with their spouses and children I will make plans even if it is going to Burger King and not sit alone and feel sorry for myself. This site is the best gift a caregiver can receive any day of the year-so matter what I will not be alone this holiday season