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I’m 54. My father is 94 and my mother is 92. I’m married and live nearby. Thankfully, they have in-home care, but I briefly swing by most afternoons for about an hour and a half or so, as I handle their grocery shopping, picking up prescriptions, paying their bills, etc…



I have always had a very close relationship with both of them. My mother is difficult, but she loves me dearly, and I love both of them dearly…



I only have one older sister, but she moved out of state last year to follow her kids and grandkids, which made a very difficult situation even so much harder on me, and left me feeling abandoned, overwhelmed, and angry at her for leaving me “holding the bag”, so to speak. But I’ve come to accept her moving away, and we are on good terms now. I’m no longer angry at her, but it still hurts that she left me all alone to take care of two elderly parents, especially knowing the mental and emotional effects it is having on me. Just so she could follow her grandchildren to Florida (I live in Connecticut). She moved a year and a half ago, and has never been back to visit. I asked her, “are you ever going to see them in this life again?” and she gets annoyed and won’t give me a straight answer, which I think is absolutely horrid…



I try to carry on with my life as normal as possible, but I basically feel heartbroken, alone, and scared every day. I cry a lot because it’s so unbearable for me to witness two formerly strong, independent loving parents be reduced to this… a shell of who they were. Obviously they’re up there in age, and it’s the “cycle of life”, but the fear of their passing consumes my life. Every day, I fear getting that phone call. I can’t imagine my life without either of them, and especially my father, since I was always “Daddy’s Girl.” As a kid, I had actual nightmares about losing them, but they were only in their 50’s back then, so it was a long way off, and I could shove it in the back of my mind and forget about it. But now that they are both in their 90’s, their passing is staring me in the face, and it terrifies me…



I work part time in the mornings, and I find it helpful, mentally, to be around other people in that setting. But if I had even one supportive person in my life, it would help a lot. But my sister and my cousin, who I am close with, they both live out of state now, as do my two closest friends. Phone calls are good, but certainly not the same as having a close relative or friend living nearby. Making matters worse, I have a difficult marriage with a man who lacks empathy, so I can’t lean on him, either. I joined a women’s group at church, and they are very nice, but they all have kids, and I don’t, so I find it hard to connect with them because that’s all they seem to talk about is their kids…



And to top it all off, I have two cats, one which is in the early stage of kidney disease. My cats are essentially my kids, and so now add the heartache and fear of losing him, in addition to losing my parents…



I am just so tired of living like this, feeling sad, alone, and scared every day. But there’s nobody nearby for me to turn to for support and comfort. I am NOT suicidal, but every day, I wish God would take me, because my heart hurts so, so much, there’s no relief in sight, and it’s only going to get worse as they continue to decline. Yes, there will be a certain sense of relief when they pass, because the ordeal will be over for all of us, and I know they will be with God, and I will join them one day. Yet I will be devastated, and I fear that I won’t be able to handle it, even though I am a person of faith in God. But I’ve yet to experience the passing of a close loved one, and the thought of it terrifies me…



Given the absolute insanity across the globe nowadays, perhaps the Second Coming of Christ is around the corner! I can only hope, as that would be my only viable means of rescue, LOL…



I know there are no easy answers to any of this. Just wanted to vent. And to find out if anyone can relate.

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Hi there, I am very much like you and can understand what you're going through. I spent my entire life worrying about losing my beloved parents even though I've always had lots of friends and career success. My whole family is gone now except my sister, and I thought that when my mother passed I would either go crazy or die on the spot. When she finally did die, I did neither. A year and a half later I marvel at the fact that I have had of course bouts of intense grief but also long periods of incredible peace that is so amazing I can only think that the peace is from God . Everyone's experience is different, but in my case grief groups and counseling made things far worse. Really the only thing that helps me go on despite being all alone is that there is a gift in this --- it brings you closer to the true meaning of your life and life in general. We all live only a short time and then we all die. I'm spending the time I have left getting in touch with and seeking spiritual truth. This gives me comfort, maybe it will help you? In near death experiences people describe an incredible peace and joy and not wanting to come back and a feeling that they've gone home and that they are with all their relatives and ancestors. Believing that I have this to look forward to also gives me the strength to bravely live what I have left of this life. I wish you all the best and I'm sure that whatever happens in your life you will end up coping much better than you ever thought you would!
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Try going to therapy. It will help you. Also, if you're unhappy in your marriage, get out of it. Go back to work full-time and make a new life for yourself. You say your husband lacks empathy. I understand people like him. Problems like fear of your cats dying and your elderly parents in their 90's who you've enjoyed a long and happy family life with your entire life can seem a bit ridiculous.
I'm sure you know that people don't get everything in life. You're lucky to have been 'Daddy's girl' and to have grown up in a loving family. Your parents have lived to a very old age and you can still enjoy visiting with them. This would not be possible if you actually had to take care of them yourself. Clearly they are good people who love and respect their kids enough to not assume that they will be the old age care plan. That is a blessing and you are very, very fortunate.
In addition to going to therapy, you'd do well to stay on this forum too. You can talk and learn from people here who have miserable lives in caregiving. People forced to be caregivers to parents they have long and abusive histories with like myself. Others who face real problems like homelessness when the caregiving slavery ends. You'll feel a lot better about your situation talking to people like this.
Last night my mother was really in the mood for a fight. I had already emptied her commode full of piss and sh*t 11 times in one day. She was really doubling-down on the verbal abuse to get the fight started. Even though I'm an adult and have 25 years of experience caring for elderly and disabled people, it still hurts when one's own mother (who they've been a servant to for years and who mom has hated and abused from pretty much day one), gets told what and lazy liar they are. I walk away and completely ignore her. What other choice is there? This is what so many of us deal with every day because we're actual caregivers to narcississtic abusive parents who don't care about us and who we really don't care for.
You don't have any of this. Lucky you. Lucky me because I'm walking away. So many are unable to.
Keep this in mind when you're feeling sorry for yourself.
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Since you do go to church, please ask for a referral to a Christian counsellor. You need to talk with somebody about these feelings and come to terms with your parents' mortality. You might also share a little of your faith with your parents: play music, read to them from the Bible, ask them about their relationships to God... Please get a few more people to help you with caring for your parents: family, friends, members of your faith community, and/or paid help so you do not feel so overwhelmed with their care.
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Some of is deal already with probability of the end even with people much younger than your parents.
Some methods therapist might suggest can be anticipatory grief as it is good tool for anybody. It is not easy to come to acceptance and it vacillates, it is no linear, it is going from denial, anger, acceptance and back again.
But to reach some level of acceptance allows to make plans for your own life or give yourself permission to enjoy more of life left together. Engaging in life fully is the gift you can give your parents, not forgetting about yourself and getting friends, social life, hobbies, plans for a future.
All of us know quite well on some level we wish things will end, does not necessary means dying, but it does as well and as some therapist explain we feel guilty and we should not, it shows we care deeply. Yet, as we know there is nothing absolutely nothing that is going to spare us that pain. The difference is how will we deal with it, embracing it, enjoying life, not succumbing into despair.
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well - you are the chosen one - the thing about our parents vs grand kids, is like chosing between your family and your husband who got a new job offer away from the family! you have to put your husband first. it is easier to deal with young vibran children vs growing old parents - it's happy vs sad! i was the one who had to deal with my problem dad, now i am helping alot with my 74 yr old brother!! you need time for you - there is o ifs, ands or buts. you can not feel guilty ALL THE TIME! you have to realize that we all will die some day and that is a scary reality! find other people who can share your feelings - a group, a zoom, whatever. that helps. you are not God and can't do it all! you will be glad you did help as much as you could. Stay strong, stay healthy, stay calm!
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My mother is 91 and my father passed about ten years ago. I was never close to him, he was like your husband from the sounds of it, but my mother and I are very close. I am single and my animals are my kids as well. I have a brother who lives across the country and though we haven’t been close in the past taking care of my mother has brought us closer. For a while when he came to this coast he only visited his friends and that hurt my mother deeply but lately he has been doing more. I still feel like my mother is really my only family, other than my animals. I dread the thought of losing her.
i have a psychiatrist that I have been seeing for years because of my ADD and she is a wonderful support. I am on medications for depression as well. The combination has helped me deal with the situation. You say that you are involved with the church and, as others have said, perhaps you can find someone to talk with there. They can’t prescribe medications and sometimes antidepressants and/or anti anxiety meds can really help as well.
For a while it felt like all I was doing was helping my mother and I couldn’t enjoy and appreciate the time we still have. I found a doctor for her who has helped some of her physical issues and I also found someone to help with the cleaning and other household chores so I no longer have to do a lot of the things that took up my time when I visited her. I live about two hours away and see her once or twice a week. I have decided to spend more time doing pleasant things together so when she is gone I can feel like I was able to enjoy the time I have with her now.
I have also worked in animal hospitals and have also been through renal failure with several of my own cats over the years. When facing losing a pet please realize that they aren’t aware of the length of their life but the quality. It is always hard to lose a four legged family member as well. Some cats live a good life quite a while with supportive care. One thing that may help you is having a talk with your vet about what to expect as the kidney failure progresses. I found that they can help to decide beforehand at what stage or if you would be comfortable with putting your cat down. That can help reduce the stress of making the decision when you are feeling the full emotions. Your vet has gone through the process of supporting owners facing loss.
I think the thought of losing parents is stressful for everyone with the ability to love. Unfortunately that is the price we pay for loving others. I have found that pretty much all of my peers have gone through or are going through the same thing you are to some extent. Some just have more support. You are definitely not alone!
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AngieGuido74 Oct 2022
i am 76 and lost my mother at my age of 37, she was 64. I say to everyone love as much as you can, even if they make you mad! I wish i had my mother longer! No one gets away from this situation and hurt - if you are compassionate - some people don't seem to care while others feel it for years. Good Luck
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I am so sorry for the pain that you are in. You have a difficult situation for sure.
you say that you believe in Christ. In my many years of losing husbands to sudden death, 7 cousins and a brother and sister in one year, i can understand the sadness that you feel. I know a personal relationship with Jesus, He is my constant companion. He has an angel assigned yo each of His followers that watches over you constantly, thakinv your prayers and needs straight to Him. Your parents have their own personal angel, and when the Lord wants them back with Him permanently, He will call their name. I have witness the death of many people, and believers always go in such peace. Be grateful that you have this time with them now, and pray for their comfort. Pray for your iwn comfort, by the Comforter that Jesus sent to His followers. Pray for your husband, he needs compassion. Sometimes it takes a Valley for someone to learn, so be prepared for his Valley if that is what’s needed. Only the Lord knows that.
May God bless your soul and keep you close to Him. Ask Him for a friend. He knows everyone.
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Caregiving can be lonely...especially if you don't have anyone to share the caregiving with. I also feel like caregiving makes you look at your own mortality and that is scary to think you are going to be in their position some day. I'm sorry your husband is not a good sounding board or supportive of your situation. I think some therapy might help you come to terms with some things. There are also caregiver support groups...maybe there are some in your area that you could attend. Sometimes just knowing there are others in your same situation helps.

You can't blame your sister for wanting to be near her children and grandchildren. You could ask your sister to fly in to help you find "in home care" for your parents and / or look for a facility to have in mind when the time comes.

There are times in life when everything seems so bleak and negative and sad and it is during these times that we have to make a concerted effort to look for the positive, look for the good. I find myself driving to work and looking at the sunrise and thanking God for how beautiful it is and how lucky I am to witness it. Or looking at a photo of my grandson and marveling at how smart and curious he has become. Or I'll see a car accident and think "someone is having a worse day than me...I should be grateful". It is those little recognitions about your life that you have to take notice of and move to the forefront of your thoughts so that the negatives of your sister moving, your parents aging, etc.. don't determine your mood or drive your emotions. It's all about balance and it wouldn't hurt to talk with a therapist to help you find yours.

Take care umbrellagirl. You're not alone.
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I can ABSOLUTELY relate! I was the caregiver for my "baby" sister, who was 9 years younger than me. She was a highly respected copy editor at the Washington Post before she started failing at work. She came to "visit" us with her dog and she never went back home. It took nearly 10 months to accurately diagnose her because she was so young and physically "normal." She lived with us for almost 4 years until she passed away. People often refer to this as the "long goodbye." During the day, I would "self-talk" about how blessed I was to have this time with her, filled with lots of laughter, "thrifting" and music (the "oldies"). At night, when I was alone, I cried... My heart hurt so much - true, physical pain - that I, too, would ask G-d to "take me" so that I didn't have to see the way this eventually ended (almost a year ago). If you didn't love so much, there wouldn't be such pain. It's taken me almost a year since she passed to start to enjoy feeling the sun on my face and walking outside with my dogs. My faith took a really big hit and I am trying to repair that relationship as well. I've decided to refocus my energies going forward on helping kids in need - whether volunteering at a school or representing kids in the judicial system. If it weren't for my husband, I would love to foster a child. I think that focusing on OTHERS is a way to heal oneself and move past the (impending) sense of loss.

BTW, I, too, was a "Daddy's Girl"...and when he passed away (nearly 30 years ago at age 72) the only reason I could go on was because I had a 2 year old son with severe disabilities who needed me. Just because you don't have your own children doesn't mean you can't find meaning by getting involved with kids who really need you. Just my opinion....
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I also think seeing a counselor/therapist could be helpful for you. I'm a therapist and I've been in therapy on and off in my life. My mother was a single mom, one of my best friends, and as a young teenager and since then every time I thought of her passing away I would cry instantly. I mean, she was in good health most of her life, but I just loved her so much and she was a lot of fun and my biggest source of support. We got along like friends. So she passed away unexpectedly last year, and we had no idea it would happen. I wasn't sure I would get passed her loss. Honestly, my family is not that helpful. So I found a therapist immediately, and he made sure I was safe, because I did have suicidal ideation. Though the rest of my life was going well, so there was no real desire to just end my life. I am divorced by the way, and the divorce was rough when it happened, but I got past that too. So, the depression feelings can be super dark, but they are most often temporary. But when someone is having these feelings, it can feel like forever. That's the problem, it's hard to see beyond them but there is absolutely hope.
A therapist is usually objective and non-judgmental, and a trained professional to ask the right questions and help you figure things out so you can get some relief. You can meet with the same therapist for years if you need to, or a few months, it's up to you. Many people meet with a therapist on video chat now, or in person. If you need to find a video meeting site there is MDLive, Amwell, Teladoc, Betterhelp, Talkspace, any of these are good. Some take insurance. Good luck to you!
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I would recommend counseling for yourself and for you and your husband together. We all understand how alone you feel right now. You have been carrying this load for a long time-years before you needed to. When I have felt alone with a burden similar to yours, counseling and medication really helped-even if it’s only temporary. Don’t neglect yourself any longer. Trust in your faith when understanding your parents time in life. You can not control their future. God would want you to trust him in alleviating your heartache. I know it hurts. Get counseling and a support system. Talk to your family doctor. If you were looking at someone going through what you’re going through right now, what would you say to them? You need to have something fun to focus on and look forward to along with all the sadness. Plan an evening/day just for you. Do this every week. Don’t feel guilty about anything. I have been there too. You have to break this cycle for your own sanity. You deserve to be cared about. You’re great at caring. Now care and love you. Sending hugs and prayers.
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The ordeal will not be over when your parents pass, because you will still be in a difficult marriage to a man who lacks empathy. Maybe that's the bigger problem, not the parents. Maybe you're obsessing over your parents because you don't want to face the issues in your marriage. What is YOUR future going to be like with a spouse you can't rely on for any emotional support or understanding? For example, if you had a serious medical condition in the future, what would be his role?
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I did what your sister did, I followed my grandkids to California. But I come back every six weeks to NYC to do my share because I don’t want the burden to care for my 94 y/o parents to fall solely on my sisters. Perhaps you can talk to your sister about coming back more often because the situation is affecting your mental health.

Your goal is to keep yourself healthy physically and mentally so that you are in good shape when your miserable ordeal is over so you can still find joy in your life.

Hang in.
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Its ok to have all those feelings. Its normal... just let them go through you and feel them and they will pass. then just live the day. one day at a time. enjoy what's left. Its life. sorry we where never taught this early on! Some things we have no control of. Some things are not fixable. We need help to navigate through these years and advice on where to get help??
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Therapy for you and your husband so he can learn to be supportive.
But the choice is yours, cherishing time you have left or thinking about the end.
You are not alone, most of us caregivers, face this possible outcome or even greater probability of being left alone.
Finding resilience gives us tools to cope.
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Counseling….that is how I cope. Twice a month. This job is tough on our mental health!
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yes I know where you are coming from you said you were54 and apart time job Im sorry I cant feelfor you that is life its not designed to our demand im 84 years old no family no real friend except a male friend ive had for years I have to do everything myself shopping church doctors appointment it upsets me when people complain expecting adesigners life good luck and keep the faith
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I cannot personally reply to each response, but I want to thank each one of you who responded to my post with helpful suggestions…and who did so in a kind, compassionate manner.

On the other hand, some of the replies were needlessly harsh and hurtful.

Of course, sometimes hearing the truth hurts, and sometimes hearing constructive criticism and advice is hurtful, too. I understand and accept that. I’m not looking for the truth to be soft-soaped and sugar-coated - just tone down the harshness, please.

Furthermore, when you essentially bare your soul to a group of strangers, you have to expect that some people will be kind and compassionate in their responses, while others will rip you apart and make you feel like 2 cents. I understand that I opened myself up to that. Now I feel that I have to be careful of how I participate in this group, which is a shame, because that sort of defeats the purpose of the group, to some degree. Or I can just go back to being a “lurker” again, as I did for the past couple of years.

However, this group is supposed to serve as a “safe place” in which we can open up and release some of the hurt, anxiety, and anger which is plaguing us. No, it certainly does not take the place of professional therapy. But surely it can help to supplement therapy.

I was blown back by some of the hurtful responses here - and it took me a few days to feel able to return and respond. But I did glean a good amount of helpful suggestions and kind words, so I thank you for that.
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lealonnie1 Oct 2022
You have more than 56 comments to your post, which shows phenomenal support for the situation you wrote about, in reality, yet you choose to dwell on the very few comments you felt to be hurtful and made you feel 'ripped apart & like 2 cents'. If this were my post, I'd be blown back by the level of support, empathy & love shown to me by total strangers on the internet, and I'd choose to interact MORE with this forum in the future rather than to go back to lurking. But...........I get where you are coming from.....

I had a post up here myself back in April-June when my DH was undergoing a liver transplant & we were in another state living in a hotel to facilitate that transplant; 98% of the comments were wonderfully supportive & uplifting for me, but there were some that were downright hurtful & awful. Some comments that served no useful purpose & caused me anxiety & upset as a result. Some people enjoy causing others to feel angst, that's what I've decided. And I too dwelled on those negative comments for far too long, until I realized the SUPPORTIVE comments were the ones I SHOULD have been focusing on! You know what I mean? Look for the light & push back the dark in life, that's the thing to do.

I'm glad you were able to glean a good amount of helpful suggestions & kind words from the comments here, and I wish you the best of luck finding useful support and a good therapist moving forward. God knows we all have issues to work through in life, so finding your network of support is crucial.
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Umbrella Girl: I am in a similar situation, have had the identical emotions and thoughts. I was so relieved to see someone else felt that way, and I started reading the responses eagerly, hoping to find good coping strategies. I was very surprised that the basically unanimous response was "get therapy." Since I am in the same boat, obviously I don't have any answers for you, but please know you are not alone in how you feel. I asked Jesus to help you find an in-person support group, like a grief support group or a church small group (people down in the trenches with you) for emotional support. I also asked that if you need insight or new ways of thinking that He would introduce those into your life, through therapy or a book or whatever would be the most meaningful to you.
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NolanHodges Oct 2022
awesome!
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UmbrellaGirl: I am sorry to read that you "wish God would take me." Seek professional help now. Do not wait. To be honest, you cannot change your sister's dynamic so perhaps you should stop trying to amend it. Best of luck and again, please seek help immediately - do not let God take you.
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A Geriatric Psychiatrist could help you understand the dynamics of relationships at the end of life: abandonment is pretty common, as most people do not want to face the grief and then they start ghosting (disappearing). Please make an appointment to look at the anxiety and abandonment issues that are sucking the joy out of your life.

As for kitty, I lost one girl earlier this year and have her sister on a kidney cat food now to, hopefully, prolong her life. I get it prescribed by our vet and ordered through CHEWY.

You might want to call, "Visiting Angels" to get some respite care so that you can take time off. On the other hand, doing some fun volunteer work (with pets or children or ?) might bring you joy and new friendships.
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Becky04469 Oct 2022
Do you work for Visiting Angels? You recommend them repeatedly like an advertisement of some sort?
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this probably won't be what you want to hear but there are many people who feel like you do! seeing strong parents, or strong family members declining makes us feel vulnerable. As long as these people are alive and well we feel more or less protected, then when they decline we feel low, lonely, and in a state of limbo. you could join a group where others feel the same way, you could do yoga, meditation, and you could talk to a higher power, whatever that is for you! God bless!
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Please consider a grief therapist. Don’t wait until they’re gone, you need it now.
Your sister and cousin cannot help like a professional can. And remember, you’re not alone in your feelings. Many of us have gone through this.
Good luck and blessings
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Lulu376 Oct 2022
Unfortunately finding a therapist nowadays is not easy.
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You are fortunate to have family. I have no family and I am taking care of my wife who has dementia and can’t walk. Just know someone is worse off than you. My life has been put on hold I gave up my Career job to take care of her. I guess the worse part is not her physical disabilities but her failing memory. There are moments she is in a different world and reality. Sometime I would like to have a real conversation with someone. This forum does give a little place to vent.
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You are not alone. Sending you a big hug. I have a similar situation.
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You mentioned that you are married but then there is no further mention of your spouse; is your spouse supportive of you, available to listen etc.?
Please reach out to your faith leader( pastor, clergy, priest ) and, schedule an appointment to speak with him/ her. The " women's group" is fine but honestly reading your message, I hear someone who needs professional support and , starting with your clergy will be a good place to begin. They can also refer you to other support as needed.

Also please see your own medical physician and, share your situation, fears , anxieties etc with him/ her. They too can be very helpful with assessment of your needs and
referrals as needed.

You are grieving. You are grieving watching your parents age, you are grieving the loss of your sister's proximity ( her move), and you are grieving the unknown ( future)....
You are experiencing past , present and anticipatory grief:. Grief counseling may be one help for you.
As you also share your " fear" of the parents death as you say you " have never experienced this", this is a good conversation to begin with your faith leader also.

It is always good to look for something " good" in a situation; I see the fact that your parents live nearby in their own home with in home care support a very positive thing. The fact that you are free to go to work and stop in for an hour or so and know that they have help in the home is a positive thing.

Be sure that your parents have assigned someone ( possibly you) as POA. If they do not have living wills and medical directives in place , this is something else you should assist them with. This may sound like a lot more work for you, but it will actually help you and them and, we all should have these items in place.
Please seek help so that you are getting the support you need toward good self care. And, I hope perhaps your spouse is a helpful listener even though they are not mentioned in your writing.
Blessings
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Riverdale Oct 2022
The OP mentions a difficult marriage with a spouse who has no empathy.
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Dear Friend,
You definitely have your hands full, but this too shall pass!
You will be happy later on when you reflect on your generous efforts to help your parents. I'm told that in Judaism, the Commandment to honor one's parents is number one, and you are fulfiling it the utmost. God will reward you and someday we'll all be together in heaven. Love and prayers, Margret
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Christine44 Oct 2022
"You will be happy later on when you reflect on your generous efforts.."
Generosity is definitely underrated.
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Hi. I'm Val, and, honestly, your situation sounds like a mirror image of my own, down to having lost my cat (my baby) in March. I won't go into all the details right now, but I just wish there was some way we could become friends. I'm not sure if there is any way to do that on here, but just know that, yes, there is at least one person out there who can relate - almost step by step - to what you are going through as well as your feelings which are pretty much on a par with my own. I have no words of wisdom but please know that I will keep you in my prayers. xox, Val
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Lulu376 Oct 2022
You can probably message her by clicking on her name?
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There are support groups in your area for this. You will meet amazing people & make great connections. Also great info on YouTube ! Be well...
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Patathome01 Oct 2022
So is connection with Zoom meetings.
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If it makes you feel any better, you are not alone having those feelings. That’s why I joined this forum. I just feel better knowing there are others who are going through the same things. And I appreciate their support. If they can cope, so can I.
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NolanHodges Oct 2022
Why I joined too! Thankful I did.
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