Do you think the helping adult child should get more inheritance?

My now deceased mother’s attorney told me to keep a journal and pay myself $50.00/hr., and write a check to myself from her “Trust,” once a year. (I had to pay taxes on it)
I paid myself $25.00/hr. instead.
She “mutha,” hated me and wanted me to see I was only getting half of a $33,000.00 annuity that required me to pay taxes on, after she died.
A 3,000 payout occurred once a year, so she controlled it from her grave.
Sister got the other half.
Sister in FLA whose rent was paid by our mother, got the entire TAX FREE, life insurance policy of $350,000.00 plus 1/3 of the Trust, $250,000.00, whined the whole time, that I was trying to get her to change her Will.
(2) nephews “ received the rest of the Trust because my brother died, so his share went to them.
its a thankless job and everyone’s throwing rocks, so PAY YOURSELF
.
I received apology letters 10 years later from my nephews, not my sister, who revealed herself as the queen narcissist.
Funny they realized I never cajoled her to change anything.
I have no family around me over a WILL, where they got everything.

Death reveals who a people really are.
Keep s journal with exact date, time, task and end time, with notes if necessary.
If anyone questions it, you can fling the journal at them and remind them you had to pay TAXES on it.

Being a parent i … like others im sure … wanted each child to have similar whatevers.

but that was before becoming aware of reality and now feel the caregiving child(s) should receive more.

if the others are too uncaring and selfish to understand that it’s just too bad for them.

I am in a ridiculous situation. I have been my mother's primary caregiver for many years. I worked part time and, eventually, gave up my job. I collected SS one year early. My siblings just decided to put Mom in memory care and did not inform me until the decision was made. My sister who did something with the house says I have so many months to get out, but also made a crack about sooner. I have had limited income for years and never took any money. My siblings made it very difficult for me, scrutinized my every move and sabotaged my efforts. In the last year, they have questioned my every move to support their agenda. Not one of them called Mom in a regular basis. I am at a loss.

As my Mom’s primary caregiver for the past 2.5 years with two sisters who do the bare minimum, in other words nothing, I have a strong opinion on this topic! I have read through all the responses and I have to say unless you’ve been in the trenches doing what caregivers do, you really don’t get to have an opinion. This may sound harsh to some but let’s face it, it is only fair that if one sibling does everything then he or she should get the inheritance. If the others want theirs then They should be around for it. Most times it is one doing everything although I’ve read a few lucky people on here have decent human beings as siblings that split the care. Not in my case! They don’t even pick Mom up and take her to dinner or visit. So am I to feel guilty that I think her money should go to me? No way! Bottom line there will be no money left for them to get cause as I see it her money is there for her care. So as I told the eldest sib, if you don’t want to help then I’ll pay someone to help and there goes any inheritance! No bones about it! I want to go to dinner with my husband I need a break I have a lunch date etc you get the picture! I encourage anyone who is the sole caregiver to do the same! Spend their money on their care! There will be no questions or issues when Mom passes. It’s gone to her care if you would have helped there would be money left for you but…and this goes without saying but why would I want to bother with either of you? I’ve seen how you treated a family member in need. Have a nice life!

First off, I am not complaining. My parents took are of me for years until I was married and I would do anything I could to help them. However in the legal and financial realm of things, I share this post. My sister passed away years ago. My parents spent so much money on her for rehabs, lawyers and jail bonds. She was an alcoholic. Because of this and some hard times my parents remortgaged their home twice after paying it off the first time and now they still owe several thousand. Neither side of the family has a situation that they are available or willing to help. My father passed away in April. He had been in a wheelchair for 8 years and my mom stopped driving in 2019. My mom until then was still quite capable but dementia was causing her to lose her way. All that being said I had and still have the sole responsibility of my parent's care, especially after she quit driving. Grocery runs, doctor's appointments, home repairs, lawn care, running animals to the vet, staying overnight or several nights at the hospital and other general errands. I am self-employed and in all the time I have been caring for them I have missed weeks of work and lost customers and pay. After my dad's passing I realized my mom needed around the clock care. We pay someone about 7-8 hours a day, 5 days a week to stay with her while my wife and I work. With the work ethic these days they are always late, don't show or need off constantly, more stress. After all of her liability bills are paid, she only has enough money to pay for about 2 weeks of the sitter. I end up paying the rest. My wife and I cover a lot of the groceries. Since my father was in bad health and due to medical bills they did not have a whole lot left in the bank. My wife will stay a couple of hours a day until I get off and occasionally overnight so I can have a break. I feel guilty because it isn't her mom. I usually stay the nights and most of the weekend. She has a mom who is elderly and misses doing things with her. We are away from our kids quite often. We rarely get to worship together or do anything as a family unless we pay someone. We are living completely separate lives. It has put a toll on us financially, mentally, physically, on our marriage and our family life. She is not ready for a nursing home and we can't afford it anyway. Medicaid, if she qualifies will pay once she is admitted. However they have the system so rigged that to get her on medicaid you have to prove she has nothing and they feel the house is theirs automatically if it is still in her name. If you sell the house well that counts as worth and makes her ineligible for medicaid and you can't just gift it or spend it. All in their 5 year look back extortion plan. They worked all their lives and paid in all those years. They should be taken care of. Medicaid pays people everyday for doing nothing and those that have done anything. After all I have already done for my parents; why shouldn't I or anyone in this situation be allowed to just inherit everything and recoup what was lost and spent without penalty or hurting medicaid eligibility? Quite the conundrum.

Ive been taking care of my mum for 6 years and her financials are simple.. theres nothing to be inherited but I do get more time with her than anyone else and Im good with that.

You can decide to do whatever you want with your own money and property when you die.

Any such agreement like, “I’ll help care for you if you leave me a larger share,” said to an elderly or sick person, sounds like extortion under duress.

A thought...
Perhaps suggesting to parents that while they are alive, they treat siblings equal?
We hear of 'the golden boy' favored, gets anything he wants; the needy failure -to-thrive child living with parents; the successful married child who needs help with a down payment on a home; the teen who needs a car for work. And other scenarios, even the drug addict who steals from parents.

[Whatever you give to one, the others get an equal amount at the same time.] And, one would need to be rich. And, whoever said life should be fair.

Then, tell them all, whoever helps in the parent's declining years will get the entire inheritance based upon the hours given to their care. If any.

It will be obvious that I haven't worked all this out yet. I already gave back when I had the money.

I think that if a caregiver is loving and hasn't received any compensation, yes. In my family, there was one son-in-law who showed up every day to care for my grandparents, keep them company, bring them food. One of their sons NEVER came to see them in the last 10 years, was a pretty crappy son his entire life. But he got $100K in the will, and the son-in-law got nothing.

caregiver adult child should get everything

Ages ago...
My father relied on me to take him places after his lung cancer surgery.
He earned one last check, and split it 3 ways for us siblings, leaving one check for himself.
I was a bit resentful that siblings received a "gift" from Dad and my "gift" covered my own expenses taking care of Dad.

On the night of Dad's death, my brother appeared as we got home to tell me he had died in the ER. He said to give him the outstanding check in Dad's name, and he would cash it.

Brother not only stole the check for himself, my husband and I had to pay the funeral expenses. The amounts are not important.

Before arriving home, my husband and I were at that same hospital with his sister, who had made a suicide attempt. Not knowing my Dad was about to die in the ER.

Today, it is as it always has been. I cannot be in the presence of "family" without it costing me somehow. Estranged and careful.

There was no other "inheritance" except Dad's legacy to my two siblings: The Con. The scam. The lies.
I did not receive those genes, being the middle child and scapegoat, confirmed by my psychiatrist at the time.
I have gone NO Contact with siblings.

Absolutely!! They have given up their lives to care for their parents. The inheritance should be split according to the amount of time each sibling cares for the parent.

verystressedout: Ideally, the caregiver adult child should receive more of an inheritance. However, the ideal world does not exist. My late mother lived on a poverty level, but she still managed to have a savings account and she owned her home. My sole sibling had pulled some shady stuff involving financials that I found out about. In the end, I got him to pay what was due out of his own funds and not our mother's. That last segment was a little off topic, but it really 'got my goat' at the time especially since he is a juris doctor, aka, attorney.

There’s always another side to this. For illustration, I’ll call him Tim.

Tim failed to launch, so he stayed with his mom saying he was helping out so he couldn’t work. Tim had plenty of time to fish, and more time to indulge his multiple drug addictions, but Tim’s mom was comfy and as she didn’t have dementia, Tim’s sister Toni chose to honor her wishes while observing from a distance.

Tims mom died at 91. Toni as executor made Tim leave, then split the estate as directed. Tim found religion, found na, and finally bought a house with this money.

Should Toni have gotten nothing?

I have cared for my 94 year old mother for the past 18 years... Plus, how much is my health that has been in jeopardy... worth?

God Bless all caregivers who gave and sacrificed beyond earthly meanings...

Maybe a traditional view of an inheritance would help give perspective here.
The Parable of the Prodigal Son is one of the parables of Jesus in the Bible, appearing in Luke 15:11–32.  Jesus shares the parable with his disciples, the Pharisees and others.
In the story, a father has two sons. The younger son asks for his portion of inheritance from his father, who grants his son's request. This son, however, is prodigal (i.e., wasteful and extravagant), thus squandering his fortune and eventually becoming destitute. As consequence, he now must return home empty-handed and intend to beg his father to accept him back as a servant. To the son's surprise, he is not scorned by his father but is welcomed back with celebration and a welcoming party. Envious, the older son refuses to participate in the festivities. The father tells the older son: "you are ever with me, and all that I have is yours, but thy younger brother was lost and now he is found."

I’m quite puzzled by the 76 posts on this so far. The facts are as I stated in the very first post. What on earth is the point of people getting so involved in their own opinions, which are totally irrelevant in reality?

The medical/financial POA can have a clause stating the caregiver is to be compensated at prevailing rates. The money can be taken while the caregiving is happening or be a lien against the inheritance and paid before assets are divvied up.

The only catch so far — and it’s a doozy — is that the years of caregiving before the elder’s power is transferred to the POA (and that clause is invoked) isn’t eligible.

I would assume a will could have a statement that the caregiver is to be given [insert amount] for every year of care giving.

This is only my personal opinion...I feel the person who is "taking Care of" the patient, parent or not, should be paid for their services as these services are provided.

Inheritance is totally separate and should be split equally between who ever the will states should receive it. Why do we as children feel we should get any thing from our parents when they finally meet their end? They are the ones who worked their selves to death and earned it. It should all be spent on the best care possible when they need it!

After paying for care of a parent/loved one there might not be that much left, now a day anyway. Again...just my personal opinion!

Yes!
Considering caregiver to parent(s) who left her job at age 50 plus, she would earn so much for next 10-15 years plus contribute to pension plan. I am referring to caregiver as she, as it is more often female. And they often expect to do it for free.
The best solution will be to pay monthly as taxes are progressive both in Canada and USA, and by contributing to RRSP or 401k will be beneficial as there will be compounded interest. There is tangible and intangibles here, as lost income and perhaps marriage break up, stress of caregiving considering average disease of 10 years, caregiver over 60 cannot easily recuperate or gain financially.
This is reality if parents of silent generation are stuck in some belief that all children deserve equally, I think it is time to adjust to reality.

VSO,
It is a very tough topic, however, if there is a trust or will involved ,
we have to adhere to what's stated in the document.
I have a situation that could potentially be very messy.
I am caring for my Aunt. As POA. I have complete control over her money. My brother is the executor of my deceased Uncle's trust that includes caring for my Aunt.
When she passes, the money (if any) is to be split between myself and my two brothers.
One brother has done absolutely nothing!! My other brother has done some, but I have shouldered the majority. Of course I feel like I deserve more, but I think an estate attorney is going to be essential!!
Best wishes!!

I was not paid for taking care of my uncle and I was not an inheritor in his will. I calculated the amount of time I spent doing errands for him. I presented an invoice for my time and receipts for expenses to the probate court as a debt and it was found to be accurate and was paid by his estate. He had mentioned doing that while he was still alive.

For my parents I was paid at the time I did the caretaking. I was paid monthly and taxes, SS were withheld. Their wills dealt with each of their three children unequally based on what funds and gifts were given while they were living. One of my brothers tried to dispute my dad's will and ended up with a minimal amount of money.

I agree with your point of view wholeheartedly and you should let your children know how and why the helping child is going to benefit while you are still alive. Put the helping child as the executor of your estate as well.

If the child who is the caregiver doesn’t receive more, the reality is the other siblings received more than them, which of course is unethical. One option is for the caregiver to receive an amount off the top of the inheritance before it’s divvied up among the siblings so the caregiver is compensated for all their time whereas the other siblings did not ( such as 50,000 depending on how long they were caregiving)

In a situation where there are sufficient funds and the burden of caregiving is not shared, my personal opinion is that caregivers should be reimbursed all of their expenses and should be paid as family caregivers.

I do think that the adult child that takes on all of the caregiving should get more inheritance than the ones who don't. The minute the others starts screaming that everything should be "even steven", remind them... that should apply to the caregiving, the missing work, the lack of a social life, the sleepless nights, the hospital runs, the butt wiping and the financial burden. ;-0

Reading this thread is disturbing.

Would all of these people write these messages about choosing unhappiness while striving for greed and money under the auspices of loving caretaking if their identities were revealed? Some posts indicate they feel they do not want to be taken advantage of while they are themselves taking advantage of and scheming someone else, someone who is disadvantaged by age and infirmity.

The irony is there is no true anonymity. People see through you.

Not making an argument one way or another. Just an additional question for those who think it's fair for the caregiving child to receive a larger portion of any inheritence:

Do you also, in the interest of fairness, think *if* the caregiving child is to receive a larger portion of the estate, then the current owner of the estate (aka: the person(s) needing care) should inform the other heirs of this arrangement, and give them a chance to become a "co-caregiver"? And if the other heirs decide to help out to keep their share of the inheritence intact, so to speak, how do you see that arrangement working out, logistically speaking, between caregivers?

I ask this as 1) the primary caregiving child of my mother and
2) the trustee of mom's estate after she passed away.

And no, I did not give myself a larger portion of the estate than I was bequeathed.

I think feelings towards this topic can change a lot, also depending on how much time goes by while helping, and how hard and unfair the circumstances were while helping. Some helpers suffer much more than other helpers.

I see friends who helped for only a few months, who felt totally OK with things being split equally.

I see friends who helped for years alone with destroyed careers, while their siblings’ careers soared upwards. These friends feel they should receive more. I agree they should.

I will state again, the ORIGINAL scenario presented by the OP was the helping child inheriting more so as not to leave them financially ruined.

If that is a consideration, that if a person leaves a job to take care of an elderly LO which will leave them with limited financial options in the future, then caregiving by that person must NOT be a consideration.

Most of the answers here are less about financial hardship after caregiving, and more about "what's fair is fair" - it's "fair" that I get a bigger slice of the inheritence pie than any other beneficiaries because I was the person with "boots on the ground" in the caregiving department.

So if we go along with that thinking - and mind you, I'm not saying it's always the wrong way of thinking - then does it stand to reason that the other potential beneficiaries to the estate be made aware of this division of assets, and given equal opportunity to help out in order to increase their share of the "pie"? Otherwise, I see this being a really awesome different way for elderly people to try to control their children, using future inheritence as a lure to have their children become their caregivers, and thus avoid the AL/NH/MC route as they age.

Are you really telling me there aren't any of you who could see your own parent(s) doing something like this? All I see here all day long are stories of manipulative, NPD parents using every arrow in their quiver to try and control their kids. Parents who enjoy pitting their kids against one another if for no other reason than they're bored and it's good entertainment.

If you think you deserve to be compensated for your caregiving, and I think everyone deserves to be compensated in some way or another, then get it WHILE you're doing the caregiving. What you're taking about is tantamount to working for a company for years without pay, in the hopes that once the business is sold, you get a tidy chunk of the proceeds. It makes no sense.