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A very good friend of mine, whom we have known and basically call our grandma for almost 8 years now, has gone into a memory care facility, and her one and only son who is the POA has decided suddenly that I can no longer visit her, (he’s let me for the last 5 years) giving no explanation at all, other than having the caregiver at the facility tell me that I could no longer come to visit her (who puts that burden on someone else?) I’ve tried to reach him by phone, text, through his wife, with n0 reply. You would think that being in the care system, it would be nice to have your friends visit you, I just feel like he’s punishing us both. I’m so confused and don’t understand why? It is extremely upsetting! Is this legal?

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Take a beat and realize that even though you want to visit your friend, there must have been some issue that occurred, whether you realize it or not. The family and/or facility has indicated you should not visit. Dementia is such a bizarre thing and messes with the mind in every way. Perhaps after you leave your friend gets upset (either at your visiting or at your leaving), you just don’t know with dementia as it’s rather unpredictable.

In the past, you had nice visits. Dementia worsens over time, you know that don’t you? maybe in the stage your friend is in now, visits are upsetting. As for no explanation from the son, that’s a shame, however he owes you nothing.

Be gracious and if your asked to stay away, then stay away. It hurts. Loss always hurts.
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LJBrodnax Jan 2023
To say the son “owes her nothing” is putting it a bit cruelly…he should at least reply. He doesn’t have to go into details, but this woman was his mother’s friend and cared for her and loved her. Even if he won’t change his mind, he should at least give her the courtesy of a reply.
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I pulled my mother out of SNF for multiple reasons not the least of which was that they told me they couldn't keep track of who came and went visitor-wise. A complete stranger (to me) visited my mother, and she told him all about her wedding to a new (imaginary) husband, and he trotted out of there, blabbed that information to the wrong people, and it ended up published in the local Rotary Club newsletter. He didn't know her well enough to know she had dementia, nor that there was no way in hell she'd have remarried at 89 years of age a mere four months after the death of my father, her husband and soulmate of 66 years. He took her word as gospel.

Needless to say, when that newsletter went citywide, I hit the roof.

I wouldn't be surprised if your friend's son doesn't perhaps feel the same as I did. He doesn't really know you, his mother has dementia and is declining, and he's trying to protect her.

Do the gracious thing and step away. I wouldn't even attempt to contact her by mail, because it looks like an end run around her son's wishes.
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I suggest you send a letter to her son. Do let this be your last attemot. I say that with kinndness. Let him know you miss and love his Mom and respect him and his wife. Let him know it is heartbreaking for you and your husband not to see his Mom and would like to resume visits with her. Let him know you are completely amiable to monitored visits. Please do not have a tone in the letter. Do not question him, his decision, his POA, the facility he's placed his mother in. Use the letter to as an olive branch, an act of kindness, to show your care and respect.
Often times, those in the position of POA or guardian have it hard, get challenged, are accused if things - it's not an easy job by any means. I'm sure he knows and wants the best for his Mom.
As my 85 year old father has Alzheimers, he's often confused, in his own world, tells stories that didn't occur, is paranoid, etc. These things can change based on the day, how he's feeling, who visits him, etc. It's no one's fault, just the terrible disease. I am his legal guardian and do my very best to protect him. There are people and certain family members that visit and he either gets upset during or after visits with him. I've made changes such as monitored or no visits from these people because they no longer matched may Dad's frame of mind or peace and what was in his best intetest. Your friend's Alzheimers state may have changed and her son's doing his best to protect his Mom.
You have to let this attempt with him and/or his wife be your last. If not, it may not boad well with him and for you. You will just have to accept his answer. That also means no answer from him is an answer of no more visits from you. Keep her in your heart, always. I am sorry and do wish you peace and healing.
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my2cents Jan 2023
You bring up some good points. If the woman was getting more confused, it's very possible she told her son something about this friend that was concerning to him. Quite often accusing others of stealing comes up and in the beginning, it can sound quite convincing. As the stories go on, you can usually look back and decide that a story you thought to be true 6 months ago was, in fact, not true at all - and you can finally put a finger on the approximate time the dementia was starting.
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I had a similar and heartbreaking situation of a long term befriended poor elder who I loved, and supported with fresh food and hands on help when I could as she lived 75 miles away. One day she fell, and another now deceased friend's daughter stepped in and had her moved to assisted living. Hilda, my friend, never saw any of her possessions again. I was able to speak to her once and she indicated the daughter had ill intent for her and her possessions, but was being treated ok at the facility. That was the last time I was allowed to talk to her, ever. The staff indicated if I showed up personally I would not be allowed to see my friend. Hilda passed a year ago, no one notified me... I called the daughter who indicated she was too busy to call me. Sometimes people are not nice, and frankly cruel.
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Sreknoyt Jan 2023
I’m so sorry that happened to you and your friend as well. It’s absolutely heartbreaking.
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Yes it is legal.
It is possible that after your visits she would become upset. (unbeknownst to you)
If this is the case and it would take the staff a while to calm her down they may have said something.
It is also possible that she has said she does not want visitors.
It is possible that she has declined to the point where she does not recognize anyone.
You can..
Write her a letter.
You can send flowers.
As difficult as it is accept the fact that this woman is no longer part of your life.
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Sreknoyt Jan 2023
Thank you! I really appreciate you taking time to answer my post. I will definitely try out your suggestions!
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Could you tell us what happened when you went to visit your friend and the caregiver informed you that the son with POA had given instructions that you were barred?

There are legal processes whereby someone with POA can make a best interests decision to exclude visitors for various good reasons, and you wouldn't necessarily have the right to know what those reasons are in any kind of detail - in fact, if it's to do with a safeguarding issue the information could well be confidential and you couldn't be told even if you weren't the problem.

But I wouldn't expect this to be left to a caregiver to communicate to you, and the exclusion process isn't simply a matter of the POA saying don't let Mrs Buggins in because I don't like her being here. The facility has a duty of care towards your friend, and a duty to promote her interests which normally would include her right to maintain her relationships, so they wouldn't just take an instruction from a POA which appears to go against those interests and say "oh okay then" without understanding the basis for the instruction.

Have you spoken to anyone more senior at the facility about it?

Why have you assumed that the son's action is intended to be punitive in some way? - what's happened during your last few visits to make you think that?
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Sreknoyt Jan 2023
I certainly appreciate all of the responses and time everyone has made to comment. I’m struggling with how this site works for replying, it’s taken me an hour to get to this area where I can post.

When I first met my friend, my Grandma had recently passed away and she was such a comfort for me. I picked her up for church, took her to doctors appointments, helped clean her house and my husband helped with clearing her walk when it snowed even though she was across town. I invited her to all the events we went to. We have loads of pictures of her with us as if we were family. I knew she had a son because she talked about him and there were pictures of him at her house. But, I didn’t actually meet him until her memory got bad enough that she lost her car. I was happy that he was helping her. Then, she fell and broke her hip and went to rehab. We visited her there and he was okay with that and asked if I would foster her dogs until he knew what would happen. We fostered her dogs for four months. When he moved her to an assisted living facility, we visited her there and he allowed me to pick her up for church. Then, she got lost several times and couldn’t find her way back to that facility and he moved her to a nice memory care facility where we visited her and were still allowed to pick her up for church and bring her to some events and go on walks. Then, Covid happened. We did window visits, sent cards and her favorite candy. I got her a puppy calendar every year and wrote memories and sent pictures of us to her. Other friends did too. She remembered us until we started going back to visit her in person and she didn’t always remember who I was. I accepted that and helped her by going over the picture book I had made for her and she ALWAYS remembered our dog! ☺️ One day when I was visiting her, one of the girls said she was going to miss her and I asked her why. She said that she was moving out. Her son was coming that day to take her somewhere else. I called his number the minute I got in the car to see what was happening. He didn’t answer, I left a message and sent a text. Then, I called his wife and she answered and said that it was getting too expensive there. I asked if I could please visit her at the new place. She said yes, gave me the address and phone number. Same as always, we went to visit her, but this memory care place is in a residential home. They have 6-8 people living there and my friend went from a room to herself and the ability to walk circles in the facility and courtyard to sharing a room and only walking a hallway to the living room where everyone else is and all chairs are covered with pads. The multiple times I visited her there, she was in a chair, dozing. She can’t hear well and so I used to use my AirPods to help her hear me but the tv is always on and others were watching it and the only other place to go was the kitchen but that’s literally off the living room. We couldn’t really talk but I would hold her hand, show her pictures and when I left I would tell her I loved her and would see her again soon. The last time I went, I took another one of our friends with me to visit and the caregiver answered the door and said what I related in my first post. Every time I was there before, I spoke to the caregivers and the other residents. I even asked if I could bring cookies to share and the caregiver said definitely! I was supposed to take a friend and her puppy this week to visit because they said I could. I always signed the book to make sure they knew when I visited and for how long.😔
Sorry about using ALL the characters allowed, but thanks for letting me tell you all this, it’s healing just to be able to write this. Looking back has given me fond memories that I am so grateful to have.
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hi well first of i can tell you it is NOT legal to prevent someone from visiting. i am speaking specifically in CA though - I'm unsure where you are based. my loved one's POA and the facility stopped me visiting - i did EVERYTHING in my power to see him. To cut a very long story short - I contacted Licensing who issued a citation against the home for trying to prevent me visiting. If the person hasn't been declared incapacitated this should be even easier. Regardless, I had also filed a petition with the court -the POA has now been removed - as Trustee also. Yes a court case is time-consuming and very costly however I will fight to the end to ensure I see my loved one and can continue to advocate for him. I would contact Licensing as your first point of call. It may be possible your visits cause some agitation in your friend - it was the same for me and my loved one - the home and previous POA used that against me. However, it was because he didn't want me to leave. He eventually settled into his new home and routine and is fine now. If you have been visiting your friend regularly for the past 8 years - especially if you can prove this (horrible to have to say I know) with photos/texts etc - then please persevere. Of course, try and speak with the son first however if there is no reasonable explanation I would try Licensing. If you feel the son is concerned his mother may give out money you could state you are happy to visit with the Carer present at all times and maybe try and reassure him that is not your motive for visiting. I feel VERY strongly about people being denied visitation. I understand there may be genuine concerns at times however I would urge you to persist. I wish you lots of luck.
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KNance72 Jan 2023
Who is Licensing ? I am Glad you Presevered
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Yes, it is legal. I would throw myself upon his mercy with a letter that you would love to continue to visit, that you are saddened, and that you would do ANYTHING to be able to visit. You can agree to visitation with a family member accompanying you. You certainly are free to question the son as to why this has been done; he may have reasons. He is free not to answer you. My GUESS (and it is purely a guess) is that the son is quite afraid now that his loved one has gone into memory care that she will begin to pass out money to any and everyone she sees. Believe it or not this happens, and I just saw it happen with a dying friend. As POA he should already have taken steps to insure that no such thing can happen. But guesswork gets us nowhere, so I would write a simple letter asking if you can please visit, even if accompanied. And I would send notes and cards and pictures and flowers and goodies on her diet to your good friend.
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Sreknoyt Jan 2023
Thank you so much for taking time to answer my post! I really appreciate it. I will do my best to reach him. In the meantime, I will also work hard to stay in contact other ways.
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There is so much to learn about dementia, and you’re just at the beginning.

So often something upsets them and we don’t know what it is. My mother in her home with devoted caregivers would get agitated and worried if someone came in the house. We needed to have certain repairs done at times, like fixing the washing machine, but she didn’t know who they were. She was afraid of strangers, and who knows what her mind told her they were. She couldn’t tell us.

Remember that she’s not the same as she was. A friend of mine in memory care loves cards, though we don’t think she knows who they’re from. She looks at them and talks to them. Try that route and maybe enclose a picture of yourself. Good luck!
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Yes it's legal as he is the POA. Please respect his decision.
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