Taking the Keys: What To Do If Mom or Dad Won't Give Them Up

My mother is 89, has significant short-term memory loss (although not early Alzheimers) and has based her entire self-concept on being able to drive. She only goes to a few places but does drive a short distance on the highway. She is often confused although she says she doesn't drive when she is not completely clear. I do believe her but I and all my family members think it's very important for her to stop driving as soon as possible. We can't take the car keys because she would call the police and accuse us of theft. She had said she would stop when she was 90 but now is trying to delay beyond that. We have developed some good options for drivers but she rejects them completely. If she can't drive herself without someone else in the car, and be able to go where she wants on her own time schedule, then she is devastated. She is already clinically depressed (treatment doesn't seem to help or not enough). This is very hard to deal with. When pressed, she says she will call AAA and potentially take a driver's evaluation (good!) but we are waiting until she recovers from a recent fall to press the matter. Any suggestions welcome.

Mapletree,
Do you have power of attorney? I did and I used it as a wedge to get the keys. I told my dad that because I had poa, I could be sued as well if he had an accident. Also, that they could take his house away and that mom would have no money for me to take care of her. I got the keys and sold the car!

My father is 83, and has never been charged with a moving violation. Quite a record! But he got lost on a familiar road recently, in broad daylight, and I have seen him run a couple of stop signs, and a red light or two. His physical health is good. His memory is awful. He hit a deer, totalled his car, and just bought a 2008 one, and now half a dozen doctors and nurses have told me that he should not drive. So he is stuck here at my house (I don't drive), waiting to be given in-depth mental testing, 115 miles from his home. I felt that I had no choice but to take his key and his license and lock them up in a safe place. I'm telling him that if the detailed testing says he can drive, I will give them back. But in the meantime, he is very angry,says I've taken away his freedom, and has even shown signs of physically aggressive behavior. Any helpful advice would be appreciated.

Have any of these doctors told your dad that he should not drive? it is not fair for the doctors to have you play the heavy in this situation. Your dad needs to see that this is not just your idea or opinion.

Yes, all the doctors and nurses told Dad he shouldn't be driving, but he ignored them, saying that he probably drives better than they do. He called the local dealership, and they brought him 2 keys for his car. Fortunately, it broke down, had to be towed to a garage, and the mechanic told me how to disable it so it won't start. The results of the neurological testing show that he should indeed not be driving, and any day now he should receive a notice from the DMV telling him they will take away his license. I would suggest that anyone in my position make sure to specifically ask the doctor to write to the DMV. This doctor, I found out, wasn't even planning to write to the DMV. He just assumed that , after being told by me and his doctor not to drive, my Dad wouldn't drive! I told him that there was no way my Dad was going to give up driving unless he got an official notice from the DMV. Even then, if I weren't around to notice, I wouldn't be surprised if he drove without a license. The testing also showed that he shouldn't be living alone anymore, so now I get to talk him into assisted living. Wish me luck!

I wish you luck. Your dad's reasoning is very demented! Do you have durable and medical Power of Atty for him? I sure hope so because his doctor's could easily write a letter stating that he is not able to conduct his business in a business like manner which would be a stronger letter if notarized and that would put you in charge with POA.

I'm an only child who lives 60 miles from my mother. I could not nor could the home health care people or my mother's neurologist talk her into leaving her home with my wheel-chair bound step-dad to assisted living until she had a stroke and broke her hip. Both I and my wife forgot that my mother had given me both POAs back in 2002. Thus, I ended up getting them again weeks before her stroke in March of 2009. If I had remembered these and used them, I probably would have gotten her into assisted living. My step-dad hates the fact that I have so much authority, but he is not trustworthy nor competent. I wish you well.

My in-laws traveled the US & Canada in their motorhome off and on for 20+ years, with her doing 95 percent of the driving. My mother-in-law's whole life has been contingent on her being able to drive. With her macular degeneration she just can't do it anymore. Even with her short term memory loss, if it had not been for the eyesight going south I think she could still drive. My father-in-law is dead now, and although he drove for a living
as a bus driver/supervisor for 50years he shouldn't have been driving about 2 years before his death. She still says that the doctor took both of their drivers licenses and torn them up right in front of him and her. Of course he didn't actually tear them up, but to her he actually did. I find myself thinking about how I am going react when it's my time to stop driving. She and I are much alike, in that I love road trips too, and doing all the driving is fine with me. It's scary to think about having that Independence taken away. I hope I don't throw a hissy fit when my son says it's time, and pray that I will remember this conversation at that time too.

Mom could not renew her license because of her Primary progressive aphasia.
legally she cannot drive; but, she drives within her retirement comunity. We have told her NO DRIVING. but i've seen the car gone several times. she is getting forgetful etc..and seems dizzy at times . sis and I are going to take her keys; but;
she has a "thing" with her keys and her wallet. so she will cry and be soo upset and say why did you do this to me etc..We can't handle doing this before christmas but we are afraid she may go into a blank stare and hurt/kill someone.
I'm thinking I will tell her first that her key is broken and i have to take it to fix it?

My father is 84. He has macula degeneration, does not see well and falls down a lot. He has always been very accident prone since he was a young man. I believe he suffers from mental health problems, and walks around like he is in a "fog". This is NOT old age. He has always been in his own world. Since a young man he has always been extremely accident prone and clumsy. If there is a pot whole is steps into it. If there is a sheet of ice, he slips on it. He is not aware of his environment and therefore does not get out of the way of these obstacles. He recently blew a stop sign. He does this very often. Also he drives very strangely. He will drive slowly, then speed up into a stop sign. Sometimes he stops at the sign, sometimes he blows right through it. He also takes very round able indirect routes to get to his destination. He has always done things in a strange way. He admits he is depressed, and always has been. But I think he suffers from a more severe mental illness. He has poor memory, poor eyesight, and is extremely accident prone. He gets into Minor car accidents frequently and get citations often. He gets into the car, turns on his music and "goes into his own world". I told him he is a strange guy who does things differently than most people. He went into a rage and started attacking me. I had to call the police. I lost my job and am currently at home. Bad situation. So I see all of this first hand. Every months it is something else with this guy. Last month he slipped on some ice and had to go to the hospital to get a cut stitched up. He needs a knee replacement because he has fallen many times and his ligaments in his knee are torn up. He has always been extremely clumsy and accident prone, even when he was a young man. I believe he is suffering from some kind of mental illness. Maybe it's a mild form of Schizophrenia. I just know normal people are not this accident prone. As he has gotten older, of course it has gotten worse. He doesn't think anything is wrong. He says, "accidents happen". No there has always been something wrong with him. His judgment and problem solving ability is not like other peoples. He routinely speeds and blows through stops signs. He also NEVER carries his license with him. He says he is afraid he is going to lose it. Also he was asked to present his insurance card. There were 3 expired ones in the car, and one up to date one. He gave the one of these expired ones. Either he couldn't read it(because of poor eyesight), or he didn't even bother to look. This to me is someone who is very impaired. The money spent on traffic tickets, paying the deductible to get the car repaired($500) to the insurance company is ridiculous. I don't like how he throws away his money and I feel it is dangerous for him to be on the road. He has always been withdrawn and in his own world. Now he had medical problems on top of his psychological problems. He can't see a sign until he is right on top of it. But by then it is too late. I contacted the DMV and filled out a form to have him checked out. They may end up pulling his license because they feel he is too impaired. I just can't sit by and watch this happen anymore. He is a very strange, messed up, and clumsy guy. It is just getting worse with age. I do not have any power of attorney, any suggestions...... I just can't live like this anymore with him creating all these problems. Every months it is something else. It's like having to take care of a retarded kid.

Please pardon my typos. I meant he has a valid insurance card in the glove, but picked out one of the expired ones. Either he didn't look at it, or he couldn't see the date on the card. Either way his functioning is impaired. I contacted the DMV and they told me to fill out a form and explain what the problems are. I don't know what is going to happen. They may force him to see a doctor or psychologist. His vision will be tested. Because of me his license may forever be taken. He just is a strange guy, who does things differently than most people. Add to that his poor eyesight, poor judgment and poor problem solving ability and you are going to have many problems. He has always been(since a young man) an "accident waiting to happen." If there is a pot hole, he steps in it. If there is a curb, he trips on it. He is, and has always been, in his OWN WORLD. He was in the city and for some reason started taking pictures of a homeless man. The homeless man mugged him. A person with better judgment would not have bothered with the homeless man in the first place. He is dangerous to the public and too himself. What can be done? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated? Thank you. I am at wits end. I can't stand by and watch this go on any longer. Please help.