Is It Time to Take Away The Car Keys?

This is a very helpful feature; there is so much good advice I'd never have thought of. I especially appreciate the tip to accompany my parent to medical appointments and obtain a signed release of confidentiality so the doctors can share medical information with me.
Thank you for addressing this important topic in such a well-written article.

Leonard Hansen has hit the nail right on the head..... for sure!

I remember when I had to talk with my Dad. He listened quietly not saying much; but I knew by his manner that he was taking it in. When the time came, later that day, to go to the grocery store; I asked him to come with me and I drove his car.

As we slowly rolled down this quiet side shreet near my parents' condo, I suddenly pitched forward, blaring the car's horn with my forehead; and watcing carefully with one far eye, I waited for him to react. It was quick....and dramatic: "what the heck are you doing?" he yelled. I said: "Dad, this is what might happen to you....a sudden heart attack and you're gone, but you're still careening down the road hitting parked cars and perhaps a mother and her child along the way....and Mom won't be able to help you....she doesn't drive...and she's not behind the wheel!"

"I never thought of it like that" he said. He handed over his keys the next day. They sold the car and that was the end of it. He was brave: he thought about it, realized his "kids" were right, and gave them up....voluntarily. But this had been coming for some time.

I sure wish I had had the benefit of Leonard Hansen's detailed suggestions back then. Now others won't have to go through the "charade" I had to plan out. Hansen has covered all the bases.

It was a very tricky situation and I reckoned that the only way I was going to really get his attention and make an impression was to "stage an accident"so he could see first hand the potential damage he might cause others if he was behind the wheel.

But this is not really the best way to do things....heck I might have hit someone myself while I was showing him.

I was discussing this situation just today with a friend in Colorado who is trying to get up the courage to face his 87-year old Mom who he knows should hang up the keys. Neither he nor his sister are looking forward to this "conversation." I referred him to Hansen's articles here for the answers he needs in this most sensitive of situations we all must face....sooner or later.

Big Mac

This was a very helpful article thank you for sharing it!

We had to do it in stages for my father. My mother does not drive. Five years ago dad had a stroke from brain surgery to drain the blood that had built up on his brain.

Mom depended on him for everything. When she was told he couldn't drive for 6 months while being on the anti-seizure meds and then no driving again for another 6 months after being off the medication, she was furious. That whole story aside...

What I found out after the fact is that mom (from the advice of very dangerous "friends") took upon herself to still go out with dad. She let him drive, but she told him how to drive, when to turn, when to stop, etc. When I found this out I was furious to say the least.

Dad was still capable at that time, but he needed retraining, so I had a friend who was a driving instructor take him on routes just around his area to get him re-familiar with his surroundings (he'd been in hospital/rehab for 5 months).

Apparently to my selfish mother dad started getting worse, but mom didn't like admitting it. She took the keys and she had control so dad just couldn't take off on a whim. Well one day dad found the keys and he took off. Mom was frantic.

I ended up going to search for him and its in the dark, so its a lot harder. He was no where to be found. I searched for over an hour. I went home ready to call the police with a description. Mom calls in tears that he's home. I told her it was important she did not get mad at him. Dad is from the old-school when it comes to providing, so.... if a person attacks his desire to help... OH MAN.

To this day I cry about it. He had pulled into the garage, got out of the car, turned towards me and said "I didn't know where I was, I'm sorry." Mom is standing in the doorway of the garage furious, and she snaps at him. Dad turns to her and winks and says I just went for a little ride. From there on out, dad never had the keys again. What is really sad is that was the start of mom's downward spiral of her world collapsing (in her eyes).

Taking the keys away just kind of happened naturally. But when mom was having him "drive" so to speak and I could not convince her otherwise, all I could do is pray that they hurt no one else out on the road. If anyone got hurt it would just be them. Had I known about it sooner, I would have called the police to pick them of for driving recklessly or something, but fortunately none of that happened.

Each situation is so unique. I don't envy anyone who has to do this for the love and safety of their parents. Its frightening for both sides to see our parents diminish and then for our parents to "lose" their independence.

Did I mention I'm growing up in life, I'm getting a chauffeur? LOL

Hi all! Did some of you read a past posting I made about the 74yr old woman that was in the news 2months ago. She was on alz/dementia meds, and killed someone in a car accident? They showed her on the tv in shackles. They wanted to throw the book at her, when it was obvious she had no idea what she was doing, or what she had done. This is sad for both sides. No one wants to see that happen to anyone. We need to be firm, and not let something like this happen, and at the same time be compassionate about it to our loved ones. But I think it is better to be firm and take the chance of hurting someone's feelings over accidentally killing someone. Good Luck,
Nauseated

If you would not place your child in the car with the elder driving, that is a sign that it is time for the elder to hang up the car keys.

I know that I am going to have to face the same situation about driving with my mother eventually. I have decided to continue to be very honest with her and ask for us to talk to her insurance agent and doctor when the time comes to discuss driving problems. I have also talked to my mother about this already. She agrees that this is the best choice.She and I would not have to be at odds about the issue, and professionals would help us to know when Mom needs to let me drive instead.

There are some neurologists who assume that anyone over 80 shouldn't be driving... This happened to my mom, whose GP said she was capable, as did I, who knows her best of all. It was very sad. From the elder person's perspective, it's age discrimination to assume they are not capable. I see a lot of people texting while driving etc. and no-one says or does much about it. That is the saddest part.

There are some neurologists who assume that anyone over 80 shouldn't be driving... This happened to my mom, whose GP said she was capable, as did I, who knows her best of all. It was very sad. From the elder person's perspective, it's age discrimination to assume they are not capable. I see a lot of people texting while driving etc. and no-one says or does much about it. That is the saddest part.

Even the workers at the Bureau of Motor Vehicles may think you are a horrible person for trying to take away a person's license. But 5 accidents in one year, it was time. I had to get two doctor's statements saying she should not be driving, which I was sent to the State. They sent her a letter that she needed to go for driving tests. She failed the written and the driving. While we were waiting for the state to intervene, we took away her keys. She found them and tried to bite me. I called my brother who came over and disconnected the battery cable and distributor cap. Then when she failed her tests, my brother sold the car. She would not have ever willingly given over the keys.