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My mom (84) has lived with me (60) and my wife (56) for the last 5 years She was living alone So I, being the good son I, moved her in. And my wife was her caregiver for all those 5 years. Up until last Thursday when i got a call at work that she had left me under the stress of 5 years of being told your stupid get me this get me that do this don't do that among other horrid things.
Me and my wife love each other deeply and our marriage will survive If i can just find a place for Mom.
Hello mother, goodbye me.Goodbye us and our marriage I don't even know this angry, frustrated, and burned out man I see in the mirror. I just want to have my life back without guilt. I am the the only son left my brother passed away Oct of last year
I don't like this person I've become. How can I be this bitter? My mom has always loved me. She's been a good mom. So how can I resent her so much?
She can still get around with a walker but she won't. She sits in her chair and refuses to do anything for herself. She wants me to serve her - period. She won't eat at the table, she wont go outside, she just sits in her chair and when I come home from work she expects me to wait on her
My marriage can be saved but i just don't know what to do with mom. Funds are only 915 a month that's it with blue cross/medicare. She cant get Medicaid because she is in my home and they go by household income.
This is all new to me and i am lost as to what to do She is in the hospital right now and i am trying to have her placed into a nursing home medicare will cover 3 months and i can apply for her Medicaid then because she will be out of the home.
But i am getting this sick feeling that they are going to release her back onto me ruining any chance to get my wife back and put our marriage back together. I am met at every turn with six to eight waiting lists at places she can afford to live on her own. help i am losing my sanity and my hope

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Sound advice given by Babalou, vstefans & Jbo928 & here's my two pennies worth. Dagan, truly I do hear your resentment, your hurt and your bewilderment.
You did what your wife wanted, why isn't it all back the way it was before your Mum. You lived alongside your wife through this and you've moved on.
Dagan the telling words are " You lived alongside your wife" that's 100% different from being your wife living it. Your relationship with Mum is a Son not a DIL very, very different dynamics. Your Mother has an expectation of a level of loyalty/behaviour from you as her Son, but equally your wife has her own expectation of a level of loyalty/behaviour from you as her husband. You to have your own expectation of a level of loyalty/behaviour from them as Mother/Wife. Can you begin to see that living an experience alongside someone won't guarantee that everyone can or will emerge in the same place?
Your wife loved you and believed in you and your marriage enough to return, Do you love her and believe enough in your marriage enough to go forward to a new, brighter future instead of demanding the clock turn back? Even if the whole debacle with your Mum had not happened your wife would not have remained the woman you married, just as you are not the man she married. We all change as we age, as we deal with life's experiences. It's up to individuals to decide if they want to grow together or drift apart. Your wife has made her views clear, she wants to stay and grow old with you. Do you want to stay and grow old with her? Accepting the changes that will come, some subtle, some huge? You've been through a rough time in your own right and your hurt feelings need to be acknowledged too and have time to soothe, but don't let this blow you both apart again. Please get intervention, personally I think you both need support individually and together in couple counselling. Heal yourselves and heal each other. Good luck.
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Dagan, you seemed genuinely shocked, hurt and mad by this and I guess I can understand that. You expected her to come back and things would just pick up from there for the good and they haven't. Here's the thing, you have to decide if you're 'all in' for the long haul, which includes getting sound counsel. You may not want to do it, she may not either, but you two cannot solve this own your own imo.

There's a lot that needs to be untangled here and that will take some time so don't expect this to happen soon. Be committed whether you think she is or not and see it through. And it won't be linear, consistent improvements. It will be a very bumpy road, filled with a rollercoaster ride of highs and lows but it can be overcome if you are steadfast and allow her time to recover and you as well.

I know I've been there. There have been a few times where I just mentally vacated my marriage and life due to unaddressed stress and anxiety over time, a problem I had much of my youth that I never really took head on. And it really became a huge problem that it shouldn't have....I should have gotten the counsel I knew I needed but was too proud and in denial to do it and almost lost my marriage. If I had been my hub I would have left and told him he should leave many times and start over. He was so young. But he didn't. He was 'all in' and told me he was going to see it through and God showed me a love and grace through that man I've never experienced and am so grateful for.

It took me roughly two years or more to really work through it in a way that would be long lasting. It wasn't pretty. I hope this doesn't discourage you, but I hope it encourages you to take the steps that are necessary to move forward. The longer you wait and she waits, the longer this goes on and the harder to solve.
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Reread this page of posts - they are all right in one way or another. You wont be going back to the way things were; there will be "normal" but it will be a NEW normal. Your wife had the courage to leave an abusive situation, and she found some strengths she did not have before. She found the grace to come back to you, and presumably did it freely, but expects that you have to have changed to have more respect for her than you did before. Your relationship has changed. She is more of an equal in it and now what she wants and needs is not going to be as low a priority to her as it was. This could end up being very, very good. Not an easy transition, but very very good. If you still find you feel resentment towards her for making mom move out and leaving you alone, or just for not being exactly the same person she was with the same comfortable attitudes and behaviors she always had, I would say those are normal human feelings but they also indicate a need to work with someone to help you change to the new perspective.

The kind of experiences we share about on here - they have the power to change us. I am a slightly better and wiser person than I was before my mom and dad lost their health. You kind of reintegrate and rebuild, because it does not quite go back to the innocence you had before... hugs and prayers, and I believe you can do this!
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Dagan, I hear that you feel that you feel that because you have been able to move on, you think that your wife should be able to also. What if that's not the case? What if she still harbors a sense of betrayal ?

Are you willing to change? A bunch of years ago, a therapist asked me that, in the presence of my abusive husband. I said no, and it made me realize that as much as I loved him, I wasn't prepared to fit into his warped (in my view) view of the world. We are both happily remarried
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I want the woman I married back no less no more. And as for putting up with shit as you say it's me paying her bills and getting her food etc. THAT'S IT! It is not like I am running there all the time because I am not I go once a week and maybe twice at the 1st of the month when I pay her bills get her food and meds .
You forget I lived this along with my wife and I am able to move on and not let this consume my every waking moment I can move past this and try as I may have a normal life again what ever normal is?
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Dagan, you say "I want my wife back". What wife do you want back? The one who apparently suffered your mother's abuse for 5 years in silence (or if she was screaming "help" you weren't listening)? Because "that wife" no longer exists. The wife you are now married to is somewhat assertive and is not putting up with less that sh%t anymore. How long after your wife left did you post "I can't take care of my mother"? That's what your wife did for 5 years. I suspect it didn't take more than 2 weeks for you to realize that the situation was untenable.

You have a lot of damage control to do here, if you want to. Without therapeutic intervention, you and your wife are headed for rocky shoals as your mom age s and become more in need of your help. As we've all said, find a qualified marital therapist.
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Hi again Dagan, I agree with all the advice you've received and if you look back advice then included making your wife feel special, court her again. I bet you did too. That is right up until the moment she was safely home when you thought all the problems were over. Sorry, life is just not that simple. You're wife loved you enough to return despite your betraying her by siding with Mum for 5 years. But, nothing on earth is going to make her just settle into the home again just like that. It probably doesn't even feel like home, your Mum may be physically gone but her presence is still there. I bet your wife can "see" her when she looks in the places your mother inhabited, you won't, but your wife can probably "smell" your Mum's presence too. I agree with Rainmom, you do sound annoyed at your wife when you've done so much. Well Dagan, I'm rooting for you both, but what you've done recently is terrific, BUT, it's barely a drop in the ocean compared to all you did and didn't do over that 5 years. Remind your wife why you were worth coming back for, book yourself a Pity Party then put the poor me back to sleep. Go to counselling and think (Talk, to your wife) about redecorating or even just move furniture around. Help your wife reclaim her home. Stay with it, she stayed with you. Don't expect a miracle, you had your share already - Mum's safe, your wife is home. there is hope.
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I may be way off base here but it seems to me that you may be resenting your wife for resenting your continue care and concern for your mother. Phrases like "she gives me attitude..." I totally agree that therapy will be the only thing that will get the two of you past this. While it may take time and money - both hard to come by it sounds - you've got to ask yourself what is the most important thing in your life. Having a therapist asking your wife what she needs to make this work will have better results than you asking it. I'm betting your wife will respond better to someone she perceives as on her side or at a minimum neutral. I'm not saying you are - but passive aggressive is a tough thing to recognize in oneself.
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Dagan, you really need outside help with this - and there is no shame in that. You and your wife need help communicating before an explosion - your wife was pushed to moving out before you picked up how unhappy she was. I'm not laying all this at your door - communication is two - way between your wife and you. You each need to be able to (safely) state your needs, your feelings, and each need to understand how to listen and make decisions together. To me it sounds like your wife is so angry with your mom for abusing her and for you letting it go on (this is probably her view of you) that she is hair trigger sensitive about your mom. She probably feels that you have not yet truly understood the depth of the abuse and fully understand what she has gone through, and that any communication with your mom implies to her that you don't see how abusive your mom was. Please - this whole forum is pulling for you to have a happy ending. Seek counseling - I believe this will be the best decision you ever make. (from one who thought I could just "work it out" for three years and ended up at the wall - and then went to counseling & kicked myself for wasting three years). We are pulling for you!! Good luck, buddy.
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Dagan,
My father made my husband so disgusted and angry that my husband said he has divorced himself from my father and will no longer have any contact. He has not seen or talked to him since Feb. Luckily, we have not divorced and keep hanging on. Yes there has been damage from 30 years of meddling (7 years of dementia hell).

My suggestion is this..try the counseling. Allow your wife to divorce your mom. Make a point to never discuss your mom, her problems and the things you need to do for her with your wife. Compartmentalize it. Ask your wife if it is ok if you sit down and pay mom's bills and take care of her business 1 night a week or whatever it is. Do not expect her to do any errands, talk to her on the phone, etc. She is DONE. If you can negotiate for "scheduling" time to take care of your mom's business, it may be worth a try. That is what it took for me. Good luck to you. :)
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Dagan, you and your wife need to go to therapy. Together. Tell her this. Tell her you want to fix what's wrong. If she won't go with you, go to therapy by yourself.

Wanting everyone to be happy is laudable. But if you dont count yourself as one of the folks who is happy, at least some of the time, and if you can't learn to tolerate the fact that AT TIMES either your mom or your wife is going to be unhappy, well, your life is going to be very stressful indeed.

Your wife's happiness needs to reside within her. Right now, it sounds as though she is still angry, hurt snd smarting from the last 5 years, snd fearful that at any moment, she's going to be thrust back into the abusive and miserable situation she was in. 5 years, Dagan! And apparently you had no idea she was unhappy. That speaks yo really poor communication in your marriage, or maybe that you weren't paying much attention to the "unhappiness signals" that your wife was sending out.

You REALLY need some outside help in this. Your situation is not going to magically repair itself with a bouquet and a dinner out.
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She calls maybe once twice a day and never calls my home just my cell phone. And it is only when she needs something. Some days she dont call at all and i will call just to check in on her. God forbid she would call when i am home from work then the night is a bust and I get silence or an attitude from my wife. It seems I just cant win this game to make everyone happy seems we are all worse than before. I hold my breath everyday when I come home from work to find that my wife has left once again. I just want everyone to be happy and not have to stress over this. My wife just can't seem to move on with our life she is fixed on my mother for some reason. I want my wife back I dont know how much more of this I can bare.
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Dagan, I'm curious how many times in the course of the day your mom calls you. Frankly, if it's more than once, it's too much.

Either her needs can be met with AT MOST, a once a day check in ( in addition to whatever ongoing bill paying etc you are doing which shouldn't require any interaction) or she is in need of a higher level of care. I guess it's also possible that she calls you more than once a day and you answer the phone. If you are doing that, STOP.

"Mom, if it's an emergency, call 911. If it's not an emergency, write it down on the list for when I visit on Sunday." You CAN and SHOULD giver her those instructions and establish those boundaries. Otherwise, your wife has ample reason to complain. Or your mom needs nursing home care.
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I also wouldn't expect your wife to change so quickly and willingly. She's probably still smarting from what she may perceive as neglect, and she's still harboring resentment. That doesn't abate overnight.

If her response is "nothing" when you ask what you can do, that's a pretty good clue that she's harboring and nurturing resentment rather than looking for solutions.

Sometimes people just get stuck in these anger ruts and it takes awhile for them to work themselves out, if they really want to. I'm not saying it's justified, but it's still there in her mind and still an issue.

I can't really offer any advice or suggestions because I haven't been in this situation, but do try to hang in there and be supportive as it may be that sooner or later your wife will get tired of being angry. It certainly isn't doing her any good to harbor this hostility.
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A good geriatric care manager might be an answer, good ones are trained to deal with all the things that you are still having to do. Be sure that you find somehone who is bonded, certified, good references. A good friend of mine did this for some years and really "went to bat" for her clients.
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I just woke up for the second time this morning with this word on my mind. Validation. Maybe you are aware of this and validating her feelings, but if not be careful of saying anything or not saying something that would lead her to feel that her feelings are being invalidated.

For example, asking her can't we just move on from this point sounds rational, but she's likely not hearing that way. I'm not sure reminding her that mom no longer lives in the house helps for again it appeals to reason. From my own marriage experience, I know not to talk to my wife when she hurting about something like I'm talking to a man, but instead validate how she feels. She wants to know that she's really being heard.

What I think she's seeking emotionally is some validation of the pain she is expressing in these "pissed off" moments.

While it is not always possible to validate someone's conclusions, we can validate people's feelings. That will often de-escalate a situation.

You may want to read up from some online articles about validating people's emotions. A good therapist would be very helpful with this beyond just a book for life sounds like it's full of emotional triggers right now.

Also, what has she always loved to do or go to? Would it be possible to take he out on some dates focused on what those activities or places are? She came back which is great. She still hurting which is understandable. She's your wife and she never ceased being your girlfriend. So take her out of some loving, thoughtful dates that will help her feel special again, but make sure you can't be reached by mom on those dates.

Like everyone else has said, please find a trained marriage therapist. Call one up today and make an appointment.

I think she still loves you or she would not still be there. It's the toxic pain that is in the way from all of the abusive trauma of being in an emotional war or possibly feeling like she was a prisoner of an emotional war.

This is not going to be a short journey, but it is possible.

Love, prayers, and cyber hugs!
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I join in and offer my sympathy and second all of the good advice.

Two bottom lines: your mom cannot ruin your marriage; yet your mom cannot manage without help. None of our moms can. Can someone else pick up the slack and help your mom?

As for the advice, I have said many times about professional help: what was I waiting for??????
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Oh no not what I wanted to see, I am so so sorry. Those wounds of hers run deep and will require a lot prayer, time and patience, probably like you'd never thought you'd never have to endure for real healing to take place. I guess one spot of hope still in my mind is that she did come back. If she didn't care and love you I have to think she would stayed with your SIL longer or went elsewhere.

Practically speaking, I agree with finding a CPA, bookkeeper or someone to assist you maybe with some of this for your mom. Can you setup online bill pay for her bills and anything else like that? That would help. See what you can do to reduce the amount of time you have spend hands-on doing this for her.

And yes please find a good counselor, you guys need it but if she won't go I too echo that you go. You've suffered also and I know this breaks your heart. It's breaking my heart too. Once you have a plan to take some of this off your plate, write her a love letter laying it all there. Words are powerful and sometimes are internalized differently when it's written vs. spoken. Let her know you recognize the stress and that while you can't just abandon mom, tell what additional things you are doing to free up more time for her. Though she's hurting, I hope she can reach a point of forgiveness and slowly let the wounds dissolve and die. Is there someone you both trust and talk to that could offer support and perspective?

Please don't give up. Take it one day at a time. My heartfelt prayers.
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I have been following this posting from the start. I have commented many times. My last comment stated you cannot pick up where you left off without counseling. Your wife has been through an emotional nightmare for five years. She is most likelu suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome due to caregiving of your mother. You doing anything for your mother is a reminder to your wife of what she had to endure. I do not see a happily ever after ending to your marriage.
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I agree - it sounds as if your wife is still convalescing. Very difficult. Because of course you're right, it isn't reasonable to expect you to cut your mother off altogether; but on the other hand the slightest intrusion into your wife's mental space instantly recalls for her all the stress of the previous situation - and she can't take it. Which leaves you with a terrible dilemma.

Plead for time. Reassure your wife that you have, QED, made her your number one priority. Keep the work (it *is* work) you do for your mother as far as you can away from the home environment, but don't fall into the trap of actually going behind your wife's back because there is a big trust issue here that you need to watch out for.

And, thinking about the strain all of this places on you, how are you? I think outside counselling or therapy is a good idea: you need someone looking out for you, too.
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Dagan, I am sorry to hear this and hope the two of you can work this out which in my opinion needs a specialist in marriage counseling which there are.

Sounds like a post traumatic MIL stress syndrome where basically everything is triggering bad memories. Emotionally speaking you wife has spent years in war. She's back home, but she needs to detox which is tough under the best of circumstances.

Please see a therapist soon for both of you and at least you, if she want go right now.

Is there anyway to set up your mother's bills on auto pay with the bank? I know this costs some money, but it may buy some peace of mind, but consider having a CPA do your mother's tax return.

Keep in touch. We care.
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Dagan, i would be shocked if sfter the several years of having your abusive mother in your home, there weren't issues that needed to be worked on. Your narriage got broken by stress; it needs repairs. Going forward, your mom will need support from you; that's inevitable with an aging parent.

If your wife will agree, gind a therapist who sees couples. If your wife won't go, see a therapist on your own to regain your own sense of boundaries.
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I am so sorry to hear this, Dagan369. Have the two of you considered relationship counseling? Talking things out with an objective outsider might help.
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I fear things are not going to work out with my wife and I. She just cant seem to let it go and move on with our life even though my mother is in her own place. If i have to do anything for her or she calls me my wife gets pissed off. Tells me nothing has changed she is just not here anymore. It is not true! There are things that i will have to do because there is no one else to do it. Like deal with her bills and see things are paid. Dealing with the people from home care and the V A.
It seems if I do anything for her she gets pissed off.. Just dont know what to do anymore the stress is still here I just dont know what she wants and when i ask she says nothing her feelings dont matter. NOT TRUE I tell her and show her everyday I am at my wits end and see my marriage slipping away from me.
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Great idea CMagnum, if you'd got a loving marriage keep renewing it is my view :~)

Any/everything gets stale if just kept on basic nutrients but in busy lives it's all to easy to forget.

Remember to take care of you too.

Just got a fab t~shirt in charity (thrift) shop, I don't generally go for slogans but could not resist "Remember to be awesome!"
Us carers are, sometimes (90% of the time?) we need to remember we are, and so are our supporting partners.
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"my mission to never let anyone or anything to ever come between my and my wife ever again."

Awesome and powerful words to live by. No marriage needs a third person in the middle, even if it is mom or dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Continue to make sure your mom is safe and cared for but primarily love the one your with and will be with after your mom dies, Your Wife!

God bless and keep in touch to let us know you are still on this healthy path!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so happy for you and your wife!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe you should have a renewal of your vows and go on a second honeymoon! At least a second honeymoon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Wow, what a relief that is fantastic news! You certainly made me take inventory of my own marriage and struggles with my parents and have reminded me to do the very things many of us advised and encouraged you to do. I really am so happy for you. God bless you and Judy and keep persevering forward in your reclaimed life. Awesome!
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Well done you for standing by your wife.
Took a while :~) but looks like a lesson learned.
Despite the fact you're standing up to Mum now, don't
forget not to take this lovely lady for granted ~ keep dating her!
Seriously, great to read such good news and thanks for the update.
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Oh, Dagan369,

That is so great!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you so much for getting back in touch with us. I must say that yours was the quickest turn-around that I have ever read of. You really made it happen. Big pat on the back.

Remember that your mom is not going to get younger. Just older. And you may have to intervene again at some point. But also remember that we will still be here cheering you on and sharing our experiences.

Best of luck . Enjoy!!!!!!
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So glad that this is going well, Dagan!
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