I can't care for my Mom (84) and I want my life and marriage back! Any advice?

What state are you in? You do not take her home from the hospital. You are unable to care for her in your home.

Sit down withe discharge planners at the hospital to find a good place that will take her for rehab now and as "Medicaid pending" for long term care.

Curious, what is she in the hospital for? Can you get a geriatric psychiatrist to see here while she's there.. treating her depression might make things easier for everyone.

I am in Michigan and she is in the physic ward for saying she was going to kill herself in front of nurses and social workers

My wife refuses to come home after 5 years of abuse from my mother. And i have to work I just cant take care of her needs I have not slept well or eaten well in over a week and I Keep getting pass the buck with no real help

Dagan369, Babalou is right. And there will probably be other posters along to echo her answer.

Practice saying this in the mirror: "I am sorry but I am alone now and I have to work. I cannot take my mother back into my house." "My mother cannot return to our house. I cannot take care of her." "Yes, I love my mother but she cannot return to my house. I cannot take care of her." "I had been taking care of my mother so I know what it involves. She cannot return to my house." Even practice this and hope it never is needed: "I will not accept my mother back into my home, and I will not take her in if you send her in a taxi."

Practice many times until you can say it convincingly and without wavering. Bring a pal with you if necessary when talking to the discharge worker. You are NOT going to continue to care for your mother in your home. You may get pressure to do so "just until we work things out" or "as a loving son." Resist the pressure! (And you may not get pressure and the social worker may be very helpful. I don't mean to scare you but you must be prepared.)

The first step is to make sure that your mother is not coming back to your house.

I am glad to hear you think the marriage can be saved. But if it took FIVE YEARS of letting your mother abuse your wife and it took her actually leaving you before you believed this is serious, I suggest you have some very heavy-duty work to do to save the marriage. Maybe the first step would be to get some couple counseling to learn how to put the past behind you.

But don't even try to talk your wife into coming back until Mother's future residence is settled. Only when you can say with absolute assurance "Mother won't be living with us ever again," should you propose that wife moves back.

BTW, I am not suggesting abandoning your mother, and I'm pretty sure that isn't what Babalou means, either. When she is settled, visit her, call her, keep an eye on if she is getting good care, be her advocate. She is still your mother. But don't do this at the expense of your marriage. For heaven's sakes, don't spend all your free time at the nursing home! Whether you can save your marriage or not, you deserve a life of your own. Mother might live another 15 years or more. Do you want to wait until you are 75 to have an independent life? Clearly your wife is not going to wait any more at all.

I just cant gt anyone to understand what a stress it is on me they don't seem to care what i am going through. It is like my life don't matter. She needs to be where someone can take care of her and see to her meds twice a day I have no life anymore and feel that I may never

Well,

jeannegibbs and Babalou have said it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please listen. to them.

It's very likely that before even attempting marriage counseling that the first thing to do after getting your mother properly discharged to somewhere other than your home that you get and work hard in some personal therapy.

This problem has been building for 5 years. and you almost sound surprised that she left. How long did you think that your wife was going to put up with being treated like your mom's slave? Sorry to say this, but not dealing with your mom's verbal abuse of your wife has been both putting honoring your mother ahead of honoring your wife and enabling your mom's abuse of your wife. Where's the love in that? If you put yourself in your wife's shoes, would you have stayed or stayed that long under those circumstances? I know I wouldn't.

I think that your if your wife wants her husband back, then she wants you back as her husband, but not as his mom's little boy and if she can't have that, she wants nothing more than peace.

You want your life back without any guilt? For what? Guilt for not being able to take care of a verbally abusive mom in your home via your wife dong all of the work? If you want your life and marriage back without any guilt, then meet with the discharge person and have her discharged somewhere other than home.

"I have no life anymore and feel that I may never." That is absolutely correct if you can't take the advice given here.

We have some idea of what your have been going through. We are caregivers, too, remember. But being sympathetic to you is not going to get the job done.

You need to meet with the discharge person and have her discharged somewhere other than your home. It is not your goal to have "them" understand you or sympathize with you, or tell you what a good person you are. It is your goal to get mother placed so she has suitable care. Your life matters, of course, but it may not seem to matter to the people you will have to deal with. Deal with them anyway. Take a pal if you are afraid you will weaken. Remember your goal. Forget about the rest of for now. Come back here when you have a place for her and we'll all tell you how good you did and how hard is was. We are not unsympathetic.

You, the loving son, moved your mother in with you 5 years ago. Did you think that was just a one-time gesture and you would never have to do anything hard connected with caring for your mother? Did you think, oh well, the wife can handle that and I'll be the good guy coming home to wait on her? Well, now is a time you have to do a very hard thing. And you are not getting much local support. "They" don't understand how hard it is or what this has done to your life. Pull up your big boy pants and do it.

Get your mother discharged to a suitable care place. THAT is your first goal. It is not sympathy for you, or the system's recognition of your life's value. Do what you have to do to reach that first goal.

Of course you love your mom. It's just that no one person can care for a dementia patient. It requires three shifts of rested, trained caregivers.

Jeanne and CM are right. Practise saying, politely but firmly " no. My mother cannot return to my house. My wife has left me. There is no one there to care for her. I must work to support myself. Mother needs professio al care and 24/7 supervision and she can't get that at my house. Repeat this as often as you need to say it.

If they say something like " oh, you want to abandon your mom" look them straight in the eye and say i love my mother but i can no longer provide adequate care for her. This is hard but you can do it!

I can't add anything to what JeanneGibbs and Babalou have said. Stay strong and good luck!!!

Dagan369, now you know what your wife has been going through the past five years. So get out of your poor me attitude and pray you have a marriage to salvage without your mommy dearest in it.

Aanother thing. Find an eldercare attorney (you can find one at the tab that says MONEY AND LEGAL at the top of this page. See if you can get a free consultation, pay four an hour of her/his time. I do not believe that your take on Medicaid is correct or that eligibility for the elderly is based on household income. You need to base your decisions and conversations with the discharge people on a confident knowledge of the facts.

My heart goes out to you Dagan because I'm grappling with a similar situation. Only child, coping with emotional blackmail, and presented with a vision of what the future might hold if I let it. My mother loves me - in her way - she wasn't a bad mother - but she wasn't a good one either.

I am now 61 and have only just worked out that she's played the victim card all her life, and made my life a misery for a lot of the time by making me feel crucifyingly guilty. "You're all I've got" is the oft repeated mantra. CRAP. She has a fit husband, dozens of friends, the community from the church and she's not poor, but what she wants is me at her beck and call.

I've had a bit of rehearsal before the main event - and I'm hoping this has given me the strength to keep a hold of my life and to shut my ears to the subtle (and sometimes unsubtle) blackmail which I can foresee.

Listen to the VERY good advice that you've been given here; keep sharing, because knowing there are others who have or are experiencing similar problems to yourself does help; hang on to the truth that it's not you being selfish it's your mother, you have a RIGHT to your own life, free from the crucifying guilt.

Bon chance my friend, and stay strong.

My wife and my relationship between us is strong let me state that first and foremost loud and clear These are her words I just talked to her on the phone. She is at my late brothers house staying with his wife.

I am not worried about my marriage ending.

Dagan, your wife must be a woman of extraordinary patience if she's been doing this for 5 years without letting you know that it was getting onerous.

My wife is a wonderful and caring and giving woman I had olkans to get Mom out she was going to assist me with this task. But now i have to work to keep my home so it leaves little time to search things out and get the help i seek as most places are closed when i get off work and weekends you know the drill closed closed or recording.

I have used up all my personal time running to the ER for phatom reasons when my mother gets wind of a plan i have. CASE IN POINT.

I had an app for 4 pm on Wed. to take her to apply foir a place that provides three cooked meals a day lights heat cable and life alert for 829 a month With her knowing this @ 2 pm i get a call at work telling me my mother is in there cant breath. Another lie they could find nothing wrong with her so she told them that if they sent her home with me she would kill herself.

She did this to not go to this app for her own place and she has done it before to my wife. Everytime i get a plan in motion she kills it someway.

I am very happy for you that your marriage is strong. Now all you need to do is get your mother's situation settled. Good luck to you. Your wife is a saint.

It sounds as though your mother suffers from significant mental illness. It is good that she's in the psych ward where she will get the assessment and care she needs. I'm not sure that a place that simply provides meals will be adequatr supervision for her upon release.

You need to talk to discharge planning about what is being recommended as her level of care when she is released. If she is released on medication, she will certainly need zomeone to make sure she is taking it.

Thank you all i have to get back to work now and paray for me that i find a way that everyone is happy again

If mom continues with the suicide talk, let it continue, one more very good reason to refuse to let them send her home. Her future living situation may be in a psych hospital and that may be the only place equipped to control her behaviors. And do not let mom's behaviors control your thoughts and actions any longer.

When mom was younger, before she moved in with you, would she have wanted to be the cause of so much stress in your life? Most would not, but there are those that absolutely relish causing their grown children stress. You need to establish boundaries including you will not let your mother control you any longer through hurt she has caused your wife. A therapist can help you with that.

Also, I would not use the excuse of not being able to find a place for your mother because of work. File FMLA paperwork with your employer or tell the social worker at the facility to find a good place for mom with availability now! Your wife will not buy the I have to work excuse. You made a commitment to your wife now do everything you can to get her back. It probably will not happen over night.

Focus on one thing at a time 1) your mom's placement - you have been given good advice here "no, I cannot take her home" lather, rinse, repeat. 2) counseling for you and your wife if she will go - I find it surprising that you seemed surprised (in your original post) about your wife's frustration and that she had to leave to get you to take serious action. all of the other stuff about your mom killing placement is excuses - you didn't stand up to her. She won. Look where you are now. I might sound unsympathetic, but I feel for you. It makes me angry that so many people manipulate their children the way your mom has you and that she verbally insults your wife and that you have let it go on for five years!!! End it now. Get your life back.

Right now "happy" sounds more likely for you and your wife.

Safe and cared for sounds more likely for your mother who has some serious problems.

Was you mom happy before she moved into your home? Was she ever happy in your home? What put your mother in a setting where nurses and social workers heard her say that she would kill herself? Has she ever acted like this before in her life that you recall?

Something a little simpler here -- Your mother's income should not be considered along with yours when applying for Medicaid. She is really a guest in your house, even if it is a long-term guest. I think you need to apply for Medicaid. I have heard of people who had their parents at home with them who applied for Medicaid when the time came for placement.

Right. Only mom's income counts in all situations that i am familiar with.

Start with what mom needs, not how much she can afford
If she is deemed to require 24/7 supervision, you are not responsible for providing her with it or paying for it yourself. If you need to give guardianship over to the state of Michigan, so be it. You'll still be her loving son and you'll still visit.

I have been in your shoes and almost lost my husband over caregiving. Here is my humble advice to you.

1. Your wife has been a good soldier....she is doing this to save her own sanity and force you to "deal" with YOUR mother, who she has been stuck with in HER own home for 5 years. Ask for her forgiveness! Get down on your knees and tell her how important your marriage is. Then follow the advice above.

2. Tell the social worker at the rehab she goes into after the hospital that there is no way she can be cared for at home since you work and your wife has left because of caregiver burn out. Then find a place for her to go after rehab. Do not waver , do not weaken. She can go in as Medicaid pending.

3. Repeat step #1 and best wishes for you.!

"I have to work." Come on, guy, this is the most important thing in you life right now. If you have to take some unpaid leave, do it. And you really do not have to be the one running around trying to find a suitable place for Mom. In a way, her hospitalization has made this easier for you. You are now in touch with social workers -- professionals who will do some of the work and guide you through the parts you must do.

Well Jenna if i dont WORK I dont pay my bills that said I have burned all my personal time for the year dealing with my mothers issues. I did not even get a get away this year with my wife because of my Mother.

Maybe you have tons of money to take time off i do not Thank you

Oh and as for the hospital doing anything not happening. After all this 2 NOT 1 But 2 were at a loss as do what to do Social workers that is.

YOU don't have to lok gor a place for mom. That is the job of thecdischarge planets at the hospital. Are they talking about discharge yet?

Does your wife work? If not, andvifvyou ask very nicely, she might go and visit some of the sites that discharge is suggesting. I would not look on my own, only withvthe tecomendation from the discharge planners IF they are talking about discharge in the next few days.

One more thing. The hospital arranges transport to yhe facility site. You do not put mom in your car and transfer her yourself.

My wife is 600 miles away with my sister in law ... I have not heard anything from the hospital since mid week

Sometimes the social workers are new or poorly trained. Which is a travesty for their profession and reputation. It's unfair to all.

Don't be shy to ask for a supervisor and their manager, and the director, and on up until you get some help. The service level seems to be all over the place based on where you live.

The good ones I know are literally life savers. There are some out there who are surprised to learn the job actually requires effort and knowledge.