I can't care for my Mom (84) and I want my life and marriage back! Any advice?

I have been in your shoes and almost lost my husband over caregiving. Here is my humble advice to you.

1. Your wife has been a good soldier....she is doing this to save her own sanity and force you to "deal" with YOUR mother, who she has been stuck with in HER own home for 5 years. Ask for her forgiveness! Get down on your knees and tell her how important your marriage is. Then follow the advice above.

2. Tell the social worker at the rehab she goes into after the hospital that there is no way she can be cared for at home since you work and your wife has left because of caregiver burn out. Then find a place for her to go after rehab. Do not waver , do not weaken. She can go in as Medicaid pending.

3. Repeat step #1 and best wishes for you.!

Update I found Mom a place in her price range 400 a month My wife and I are overjoyed Thank you all and i will be here from now on. If I can help someone who finds they are in the shoes i have been wearing I want to help them as much as you all have helped me

Dagan369, Babalou is right. And there will probably be other posters along to echo her answer.

Practice saying this in the mirror: "I am sorry but I am alone now and I have to work. I cannot take my mother back into my house." "My mother cannot return to our house. I cannot take care of her." "Yes, I love my mother but she cannot return to my house. I cannot take care of her." "I had been taking care of my mother so I know what it involves. She cannot return to my house." Even practice this and hope it never is needed: "I will not accept my mother back into my home, and I will not take her in if you send her in a taxi."

Practice many times until you can say it convincingly and without wavering. Bring a pal with you if necessary when talking to the discharge worker. You are NOT going to continue to care for your mother in your home. You may get pressure to do so "just until we work things out" or "as a loving son." Resist the pressure! (And you may not get pressure and the social worker may be very helpful. I don't mean to scare you but you must be prepared.)

The first step is to make sure that your mother is not coming back to your house.

I am glad to hear you think the marriage can be saved. But if it took FIVE YEARS of letting your mother abuse your wife and it took her actually leaving you before you believed this is serious, I suggest you have some very heavy-duty work to do to save the marriage. Maybe the first step would be to get some couple counseling to learn how to put the past behind you.

But don't even try to talk your wife into coming back until Mother's future residence is settled. Only when you can say with absolute assurance "Mother won't be living with us ever again," should you propose that wife moves back.

BTW, I am not suggesting abandoning your mother, and I'm pretty sure that isn't what Babalou means, either. When she is settled, visit her, call her, keep an eye on if she is getting good care, be her advocate. She is still your mother. But don't do this at the expense of your marriage. For heaven's sakes, don't spend all your free time at the nursing home! Whether you can save your marriage or not, you deserve a life of your own. Mother might live another 15 years or more. Do you want to wait until you are 75 to have an independent life? Clearly your wife is not going to wait any more at all.

Of course you love your mom. It's just that no one person can care for a dementia patient. It requires three shifts of rested, trained caregivers.

Jeanne and CM are right. Practise saying, politely but firmly " no. My mother cannot return to my house. My wife has left me. There is no one there to care for her. I must work to support myself. Mother needs professio al care and 24/7 supervision and she can't get that at my house. Repeat this as often as you need to say it.

If they say something like " oh, you want to abandon your mom" look them straight in the eye and say i love my mother but i can no longer provide adequate care for her. This is hard but you can do it!

Focus on one thing at a time 1) your mom's placement - you have been given good advice here "no, I cannot take her home" lather, rinse, repeat. 2) counseling for you and your wife if she will go - I find it surprising that you seemed surprised (in your original post) about your wife's frustration and that she had to leave to get you to take serious action. all of the other stuff about your mom killing placement is excuses - you didn't stand up to her. She won. Look where you are now. I might sound unsympathetic, but I feel for you. It makes me angry that so many people manipulate their children the way your mom has you and that she verbally insults your wife and that you have let it go on for five years!!! End it now. Get your life back.

Something a little simpler here -- Your mother's income should not be considered along with yours when applying for Medicaid. She is really a guest in your house, even if it is a long-term guest. I think you need to apply for Medicaid. I have heard of people who had their parents at home with them who applied for Medicaid when the time came for placement.

Reread this page of posts - they are all right in one way or another. You wont be going back to the way things were; there will be "normal" but it will be a NEW normal. Your wife had the courage to leave an abusive situation, and she found some strengths she did not have before. She found the grace to come back to you, and presumably did it freely, but expects that you have to have changed to have more respect for her than you did before. Your relationship has changed. She is more of an equal in it and now what she wants and needs is not going to be as low a priority to her as it was. This could end up being very, very good. Not an easy transition, but very very good. If you still find you feel resentment towards her for making mom move out and leaving you alone, or just for not being exactly the same person she was with the same comfortable attitudes and behaviors she always had, I would say those are normal human feelings but they also indicate a need to work with someone to help you change to the new perspective.

The kind of experiences we share about on here - they have the power to change us. I am a slightly better and wiser person than I was before my mom and dad lost their health. You kind of reintegrate and rebuild, because it does not quite go back to the innocence you had before... hugs and prayers, and I believe you can do this!

"I have no life anymore and feel that I may never." That is absolutely correct if you can't take the advice given here.

We have some idea of what your have been going through. We are caregivers, too, remember. But being sympathetic to you is not going to get the job done.

You need to meet with the discharge person and have her discharged somewhere other than your home. It is not your goal to have "them" understand you or sympathize with you, or tell you what a good person you are. It is your goal to get mother placed so she has suitable care. Your life matters, of course, but it may not seem to matter to the people you will have to deal with. Deal with them anyway. Take a pal if you are afraid you will weaken. Remember your goal. Forget about the rest of for now. Come back here when you have a place for her and we'll all tell you how good you did and how hard is was. We are not unsympathetic.

You, the loving son, moved your mother in with you 5 years ago. Did you think that was just a one-time gesture and you would never have to do anything hard connected with caring for your mother? Did you think, oh well, the wife can handle that and I'll be the good guy coming home to wait on her? Well, now is a time you have to do a very hard thing. And you are not getting much local support. "They" don't understand how hard it is or what this has done to your life. Pull up your big boy pants and do it.

Get your mother discharged to a suitable care place. THAT is your first goal. It is not sympathy for you, or the system's recognition of your life's value. Do what you have to do to reach that first goal.

Dagan, my mom was placed directly from the hospital. We had to repeat to everyone involved that it was not possible for us to care for her at home and that they needed to assist us with a NH placement.

The discharge planner had a list of facilities, then narrowed it down to facilities with available beds, a friend of mine gave her input on facilities(she'd visited a number of them for her gma) and we visited those on the short list.

They arranged transport for our mom to the NH, which worked better for our mom, who was actually much calmer than she'd have been with us. We were able to get this done over a weekend in time for discharge on Monday.

Dagan, you seemed genuinely shocked, hurt and mad by this and I guess I can understand that. You expected her to come back and things would just pick up from there for the good and they haven't. Here's the thing, you have to decide if you're 'all in' for the long haul, which includes getting sound counsel. You may not want to do it, she may not either, but you two cannot solve this own your own imo.

There's a lot that needs to be untangled here and that will take some time so don't expect this to happen soon. Be committed whether you think she is or not and see it through. And it won't be linear, consistent improvements. It will be a very bumpy road, filled with a rollercoaster ride of highs and lows but it can be overcome if you are steadfast and allow her time to recover and you as well.

I know I've been there. There have been a few times where I just mentally vacated my marriage and life due to unaddressed stress and anxiety over time, a problem I had much of my youth that I never really took head on. And it really became a huge problem that it shouldn't have....I should have gotten the counsel I knew I needed but was too proud and in denial to do it and almost lost my marriage. If I had been my hub I would have left and told him he should leave many times and start over. He was so young. But he didn't. He was 'all in' and told me he was going to see it through and God showed me a love and grace through that man I've never experienced and am so grateful for.

It took me roughly two years or more to really work through it in a way that would be long lasting. It wasn't pretty. I hope this doesn't discourage you, but I hope it encourages you to take the steps that are necessary to move forward. The longer you wait and she waits, the longer this goes on and the harder to solve.