I can't care for my Mom (84) and I want my life and marriage back! Any advice?

What was your last communication with the hospital? What are the doctor's telling you?

Dagan, my mom was placed directly from the hospital. We had to repeat to everyone involved that it was not possible for us to care for her at home and that they needed to assist us with a NH placement.

The discharge planner had a list of facilities, then narrowed it down to facilities with available beds, a friend of mine gave her input on facilities(she'd visited a number of them for her gma) and we visited those on the short list.

They arranged transport for our mom to the NH, which worked better for our mom, who was actually much calmer than she'd have been with us. We were able to get this done over a weekend in time for discharge on Monday.

There normally a clinical social worker in a psych ward who often help family members. Meeting with them would be good for you. I hope you have medical POA over your mom?

No POA She refuses Last contact was yesterday asking that i bring her some things up. So i dropped what they asked for there this morning clothes and things

Therein, lies part of the problem. You said she asked for things, then it became things they asked for. Did mom really need them? Or was she manipulating you?

On the POA if she refuses to sign one tell the social worker they will need to request to have a state guardian appointed by the court on an emergency basis. May that will persuade mom. Does she want a strager makimg decisions or her? Or you. But, it may be easier for you if the state assigns guardian. And thie would be an excellent way to speed up the Medicaid process if necessary.

The social worker in the ward called me and asked for clothes socks underware etc. Because they dress in clothes in there Also wanted me to bring her eye glasses

Listen to what Glad said. If mom is refusing to sign for you to be POA, you ask the hospital sw to have the hospital pursue emergency guardianship. You have neither the personal nor the financial resources to care for your mother.

If they go by the Hippa laws strictly, you may be out of the knowledge loop being able to discuss medical specifics without a medical poa. Then you will only know what your mom tells. You have been through too much for any more games. Have the hospital pursue emergency guardianship and get your life and marriage back.

Dagan, sometimes it does happen that hospital and medical people want to push for the easiest and least resistive solution, which is that the spouse or family caregiver accept all the responsibilities, without working out any of the problems. I've been through that as well, although not to the extent that you're facing it now.

Be prepared for the discharge planners to push for you to take your mother home. They're in the position to ensure that people get out and have a care plan, so they're the ones to push. Push back; they can be aggressive people.

You've already received good advice on standing up to them.

It seems your mother is a skilled manipulator, using threats to achieve what she wants. If she's not suicidal or mentally ill, she'll find out quickly how unpleasant it can be to be in a locked ward. If Northville were still in existence, she'd be there, and that would be a whole 'nother experience in itself.

As Glad suggests, consider FMLA, at least to get things settled. Or offer to take leave w/o pay; I've done that in the past and it's been accepted.

Good luck.

First, thank God that she is in the hospital and that she has talked about suicide. The gives you the "out" to say "I can't take her back."

Second, of course, everyone else is right here. You have come to the right place. Keep reading, reading, reading all sorts of posts on this site and you will have something like a master's degree in geriatric issues. Do not lose your sense of humor. Call your wife and tell her you are all over this problem and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. (Don't tell her it is the train!). See, that was a joke...

Not to challenge or disagree with anyone else's recommendations, but some one really does need to view the facilities before placement. The last people I would rely on are the discharge planners.

One of them once asked about a facility I knew to have a reputation as a death facility - I learned from a few attorneys and an ombudsperson agency that people who went in often didn't come out, that the environment was terrible. It was fairly common knowledge but the discharge planner asked if we would consider it until I told her absolutely not. Then she admitted that it didn't have a good reputation Yet she asked if we would consider it. I lost all respect for her at that point.

You NEED to do your own investigation, whether it's you or a friend or your wife.

Don't feel you have to be distant just because you can't take her back into your home again. Bring her stuff, maybe even familiar stuff from her old home if you have any that would comfort her and could be taken to the long term care facility eventually. Whoever your point of contact is, you should be able to ask for her progress and the current planning for her. They may need you to check on financial things for them, cooperate in any way you can with that too. If she won't or can't validly give POAs, and refuses the kind of aftercare she really needs, guardianship may be inevitable - it can be but does not have to be you, unless you really want and realistically can be the one to call the shots and OK the choice of facility. I also had a lot to do for my mom, and travel a great deal to do it, while working full time; my hours and times away were flexible enough that though they had me do an FMLA form I did not have to use it. Some guardians visit often, others not at all. Some folks on here end up making cookies for the staff and not having much at all they can directly do for their loved one, because the loved one is just so irrationally mad at them; many of our confused, mentally ill elders will treat staff better than they ever treated family caregivers.

It is very hard to see things as they really are when it is your parent. You could not quite see it as it was happening, but mom's behavior and needs outstripped what could be reasonably provided at home, and out of guilt, it waited until your wife felt she had to vote with her feet before an alternative was undertaken- my heart goes out to you because I know how painful good hindsight can be, and how hard, both logistically and emotionally it is to deal with all the fallout.

She seen the doctor and was evaluated plus OT and PT And they do not think she is a threat to herself and is able to get around great their words. And feel there is no need for her to be there or a nursing home.

They told me since she lives here gets her mail here i would have to evict her. They will not place her in a NH And if i insist she will be placed into a state run facility. They said she is able to live on her own and encourage me to find her a place of her own.

I have many applications for low income housing that go by what you make And have spent the last 5 hours filling them out. All want proof of income which is a print out of her S S that shows her income which i can not get only she can request that.

So the hunt begins for an apartment for her.

I think the stress has caught me i sat down on the toilet about an hour ago and the next thing i know i am waking up on the floor with my wifes cat Jazzy screaming cant seem to relax

That's harsh, Dagan. You sure don't need that additional stress.

I guess the next step is to look into the eviction process in your municipality. Sorry.

If you put "how do I evict" into the search bar at the top of this page, you will get a link to an article from AC. There is also a link within the comments to a VERY long thread about a couple in a similar situation to yours. They were able to evict their abusive parent.

So, she doesn't need a nursing home and isn't a danger to herself. You sit down with her doctors (and her) and ask what kind of our patient mental health services and/or medication they are going to be providing her with, because there seems to be a problem In that she thinks she needs to be waited on by you and your wife.

Are they seeing signs of treatable mental illness? What is their care plan for her?

D, are you saying you passed out? You might want to go to the ER to find out why that happened.

I'm also curious about what they meant when they said that if you insist, they will send her to a state run facility. So why don't you insist? They think she can live on her own? Yet she won't get up to go to the table for dinner? That sure doesn't sound like someone who is going to live independently to me. In your shoes dear, I'd insist. If they are saying "if you insist" they are saying she DOES qualify for NH care, I believe.

What about the option of insisting that she be placed into a state run facility? Is that still on the table? If so, I'd push for that!

I ask that because she's evidently convinced them that she is more able to do things for herself than she's been doing for herself for the last 5 years in your home while demanding that she be waited on hand and foot.

It just sounds like at this point with her history of messing things up, that insisting they place her in a state run facility. As you have written about your attempts in the recent past to get her to live somewhere else "Everytime i get a plan in motion she kills it someway."

Yet for however many days that she's not been in the psych ward, but home alone with you at work and your wife gone to her sister's, it seems that your mom has been able to function just fine with no one around to boss around.

Has she really needed all of this care that she's been demanding from your wife at home and you when you got home from work?

Has she always wanted people to wait on her hand and foot?

Did your dad wait on her hand and foot?

Has she always related to your wife in the manner in which she has for the last 5 years?

Has she always been this bossy and dependent with you all of these years?

If not, when did all of this begin?

Does she still drive and have her own car?

Her behavior has to have some kind of roots for it to make sense.

I don't understand how one goes about evicting someone from a house that their name is not on the title for and who are not paying rent as part of a contract of agreement for them to live there. I'm not a lawyer, but it sounds to me like she has not legal claim to the house as her residence other than as a mailing address as someone who is a guest in a house that does not belong to her. That sounds like freeloading to me. I'd see a lawyer about this for it sounds rather open and shut to me.

However, I would not blame you at all to insist the hospital place her in a state run facility with all of the stress she's already created for you, your wife, your marriage and your lack of a life. See if they will place her somewhere. Otherwise, it sounds like for you it is back to the same old battles and games all over again, plus when she wants some extra attention she'll find someway to get it.

I really don't think you are dealing with a very healthy personality when it comes right down to it. Thus, you need some boundaries to protect yourself and your marriage starting with saying something like "my wife and I are not doing this anymore for you mom". The state is going to find somewhere for you to live. If that is what you decide to do, I wouldn't get into an argument about it or get into some drama filled lengthy discussion. I'd just share it rationally, calmly, but firmly. This current pattern of behavior and the stress it is causing needs to end before it ends you.

Sorry, but from someone looking in from the outside with the facts that you have given, that's the forest that I see from the individual trees. Maybe others see this differently?

The state facility would be anywhere in the state that would take her they also said they could refuse because of their findings, And no doubt would. She has legal rights to come here based on the fact this has been her home and her mail is coming here etc.

It is not that my mother cant do it is that she wont do hence my wifes frustrations when she will be forced to then she will and now she is being forced to.I have to be up there today @ 1:30 for another meeting as i needed time to think

I must speak to my wife and get her input also and assure her what ever happens she will be out and we will have our life back.

Oh and she does pay her way so i think i don't have a case other than getting her a place of her own

We've gone through this eviction thing with another poster a while back. It is true that to force someone out of "their home" you need to go through an eviction process, and that applies whether they pay rent or not, whether there is a contract in place or not. They have to be given a reasonable notice that they have to leave. If they ignore the notice the sheriff's office will forcibly remove them if necessary. As the building owner you do have a right to determine who lives there, but you also have to go through the established process.

Good luck at the meeting today, Dagan. Perhaps you can ask how Mother can get a social worker assigned to help her find housing, because you are evicting her and cannot take the time from work to find her housing, plus you don't think she will accept anything you suggest.

Start the eviction process immediately. Get the clock running.

And get yourself some therapy. You deserve it!

D, look up the eviction thread.

Understand that the folks at the hospital only see this from your mom's point of view. To them, she's a sweet little old lady. Not the demanding, super cilia us Harridan you know and love. Yes, the hospital could place her in the UP. Play their game. Say yes, I understand that. It would be sad for that to happen, but my mom can't live with us anymore. She has destroyed my family. Jeanne's idea that their social worker should help mom find housing is an excellent one BECAUSE MOM CAN T LIVE HERE ANYMORE. You need to stand firm and not let them talk you into "just a few days". "My wife will be starting a new job and I work long hours. There will be no one at home. Mom needs to be around other people".

And yes, start the eviction immediately .

If in the awful event mom does end up coming "home" I would advise your wife to get a job, volunteer at the local hospital or in some way stay out of the house all day long. If mom is certified in writing by these folks to be okay to live independently, then she should be fine at your house alone all day long.

I would make breakfast and set it at the table. Same with dinner. If she doesn't "come and get it", then she doesn't eat. If she doesn't have denentia, this will result in new learning.

One of the questions you want to ask today is, have they done a workup for dementia. A real workup. Neuropsych testing, not a 3 minute memory test. Because if mom has dementia, then she shouldn't be alone and she won't learn new behaviors. And therefore needs to be in care.

If the hospital decides to discharge your mother and she takes a taxi back to where she lives, what are you going to do? You cannot legally deny her access into the home. As far as the eviction process, be prepared for it to take up to two months. It will cost you money to file and serve the necessary papers for the eviction process. You will have to stand before a judge and explain why you want to evict your elderly mother who happens to pay rent. It is going to take a lot of courage in the weeks ahead with a lot of added stress. Keep coming back to this forum, it will help you to cope with what you need to do.

No advice. Just a lot of empathy. Hang in there!

Update I found Mom a place in her price range 400 a month My wife and I are overjoyed Thank you all and i will be here from now on. If I can help someone who finds they are in the shoes i have been wearing I want to help them as much as you all have helped me

Wonderful news!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOW. So, was Mom just horribly depressed and acting that way, not actually demented and in need of care? I'm happy for you, but also stunned. And I hope she is better than when she went in to the hospital.

Speaking only to these issues:

1. Eviction. Dagan is in Michigan; so am I. We were told by either the police or a parole officer at one time that anyone can go to the Michigan Secretary of State and submit an address change, which means that address is then the address of record for that person. I wouldn't have believed it had I not been told by someone who knew the law.

So, yes, if Dagan's mother or he on her behalf had submitted a change of address to his place, technically he would have to evict her. Practically, this sucks. To have to evict one's own mother, regardless of the circumstances, just doesn't make any common sense. But then neither do some of the Michigan legislators.

2. Proof of income. Given that she was living with you, wouldn't she have gotten SS statements at your address? Couldn't that be used? And wouldn't any other statements of income have also come to your address? Frankly, at this stage of the game I don't think I'd go through the steps of asking her permission to get that information if it's already in her tax or personal files.

3. I don't remember without reading the entire thread whether or not she executed a DPOA naming you as her proxy. If she did, use that to get the income data from SS.

Whoops! Just read that you found a place for her, so all this above may be moot. Anyway, it's there in case it's relevant.