Why does society expect you to take care of someone that made your young life miserable?

Random thoughts on this subject: I don't think, for me, "forgiveness" has entered into it. I don't feel the need to forgive, although it seems to have largely happened somewhere along the way of the past 3 years, not all at once but in small waves of understanding more about who my father is as a flawed human being, and for that I am very grateful. I feel more like its a need to accept what is my current life and work towards finite goals. And its more about maintaining emotional/psychological distance, i.e. detachment, and when need be - if I've had a particularly difficult day - physical distance, too. I am not a "hands on caregiver" at this point as much as I am a medical appointment planner, services coordinator, transportation provider. I work towards setting him up to be on his own again - as medically stable as he can be and with services in place to help him live independently. Then I exit, but will always be keeping an eye on him... from my own future separate residence/life. That is the plan.

So my situation is different because I do not plan to be caregiving to my father for the rest of his life or even a year from now, hopefully... but its possible that's very optimistic and naive of me to hope for a transition that soon. But my point is that I think there is a massive psychological weight that would come from feeling like I couldn't exit the situation. Dreaming about a different future keeps me going, one day at a time.

Lol, and I think some on AC who I interact with would say I can be pretty naive... but in my situation, it helps me if I am very cerebral about everything and yes - really naive. ;-)

Um. I hope I'm not dropping a brick in the pond here, but unless you've managed to build very strong boundaries, or have had a lot of success in healing, I don't think you should take care of a parent or spouse who made you miserable. Not hands-on daily caregiving, anyway. It's too stressful for you, and should anything snap or break the camel's back, it could even carry potential risk for the cared-for person. It's fraught.

And I don't, either, think that society does expect you to give care in those circumstances. Society is content to assume that parents love their children, and that children - in a different way - love them back: that's why it makes assumptions about who is looking after whom at the various stages of life. But once non-stereotypical situations are made clear, society is perfectly capable of adapting its expectations and generally does. Small-minded people, offering opinions they have no right to voice, do not - thank God - represent Society.

I don't care for my mother either, haven't since I was a young girl, but here I have her living in my house but after 3 years of on and off and a yeAr and a half of straight time having her here I am over the edge and so is my husband...we have no life, no privacy, we can't even get into the 1 bathroom when we need to....I have no other sibling alive, and took her here out of a sense of obligation but I feel that no longer...I think I have done my time..I'm miserable, trapped, hateful, don't care much about anything, ...I'm just existing and hate my life..I want OUT

While physical abuse did not take place, my father was always threatening to do so. He never wanted me around in the first place, Im coming to that conclusion more each day. I was never close to him. I always secretly laughed at him. He would act nice in front of strangers, but all he ever did at home was yell, scream, threaten. He and my brothers would really get into heated fights and I remember running upstairs in fear all the time. He was jealous of any attention my mother paid to me and would refer to me as "that child" When I saw my friends that were close to their father, I always thought :"You like your father ?" I even remember asking my sister once when I was very young, "Do you like Mom or Dad better.." Once I went to college and began my career, then he started being nice to me as if I was finally worthy of his attention. But now that Im working from home and living with him, he is back to treating me like a nobody. He treats his HHA better than me.

I think I have forgiven her. Does forgiving mean that you forget? Unless I get a brain injury with amnesia I can't forget,no matter how hard I try.I would have to be in deep denial to actually forget, my memory is to good. Also,everyday,there she is in my house, a constant reminder.How do you get away from that? She is behaving well right now because she knows I may be having neck surgery in a few weeks and has started to realize that her quality of life at this point really depends on me. I know I should forgive, I say the words out loud but I can never forget especially with her right in my house.What kind of person does that make me? Somedays I feel sorry for her but then I remember that I lived at home with her for 18yrs, she had 18yrs to make a good relationship with me.I couldn't believe it when she actually admitted that when she had extra time that instead of spending time with her only child, I was small at the time, she would work overtime,not for food or a roof over our head, but to get extra money to buy jewelry,and I mean big jewelry, to this day I don't wear any because it just reminds me that these cold inanimate objects meant more to my mom than I did.I have never seen her face light up over me as when she was looking at diamonds.

Sometimes I wonder if it is even possible to forgive if the person hasn't changed and you are with them every day.

Sharon, don't feel bad for me just become some poster comes on and tells us to forgive. I KNOW my limitations. By the way, I even brought this up to my religious leader how I'm a terrible Christian because I cannot forgive my parents for what they have done for me. I forgot what he said to me but he did reassure me that when God said to Forgive, it was Not That Kind of Forgiveness. I Feel NO guilt about where I am right now and why I cannot forgive and forget. I think - my actions - speak louder than words. I may not like my father, but I'm still here doing my Christian obligation. This is between me and God. If He deems I'm short due to not forgiving my parents - so be it. At least I wasn't like my 7 siblings who fled the home and never looked back. We each determine what we can live with in our life. If you feel it's necessary to confront your parents - so be it. If you feel it's necessary to pretend nothing happen - so be it. If you feel you cannot caregive them physically - so be it. If you feel that the only option is nursing home - so be it. You know where you stand and how much you can handle.

FYI, my siblings have told their spouses and me to my boyfriend at the time of our childhood. They did NOT believe us. They all thought we were exaggerating. One day, we siblings got together and started reminiscing of our childhood. My youngest sister's husband blurted out, "I thought my wife was exaggerating!!" Older bro broke down crying just from remembering the beatings and verbal abuses from both parents. So, yeah, those who never had a dysfunctional family like ours - would not understand nor can comprehend that parents can do those things to children. Thanks, Sharon for having my back. =) {{hugs}}

Bookluvr,

I'm close to your position; but instead of hate, I just don't care. For my mom. I just don't. However, I am not yet in the position of caregiver.

I think if caregiving was a short period in our lives, it would be different. But it can go on and on, for years. If I knew I had to care for my mother for a matter of months, or just a year, I'd do it. (I think!) But for many years? I am selfish enough (according to her) not to want to put my life on hold for that long.

You know what? There are people who understand (I am one of them) and people who don't understand hatred of a parent. You need to feel free to come here and express yourself and don't worry about those who don't understand. I think that here in these forums, most will and you can get some good insight about how to deal with it. But outside the world of caregiving, I don't even know if I'd say anything aloud. There's enough guilt already, having someone else lather on more just isn't needed.

Perhaps with your upcoming surgery, you could use that opportunity to draw some boundaries with your mom. I don't know if I could ask my husband to step up. He'd probably strangle her! So if I were in your shoes, my mom would have to accept outside help or do for herself. Then after the surgery, your limitations would mean that the new boundaries would be permanent.

I hope your surgery goes well for you.

Sharon

I think a lot on these things. Mom and I were watching TBN tonight and one of the preachers said something about being punished by someone when we are in the right. This reminded me of when I was working at the church keeping children when I was a teenager. Two sisters were misbehaving at the rec center, so I sat them down in front of the TV and made them stay -- must have been 15-20 minutes before their parents came to pick them up. The parents were very upset that I had mistreated their babies. Though I did everything right, the supervisor fired me and my mother backed her up. It was easier to turn their back on me than displease the parents. My mother explained that she couldn't afford to lose her job, which was about 10 hours a week for $1.50 at that time -- less than minimum wage. So she sacrificed her daughter for $15 a week job. (rolls eyes) She never understood how wrong that was.

When I thought about it tonight, I thought how ironic it was that I am the only one that is here for her now. Her job is gone. Her husband is gone. Her sons never pay any attention to her. There are no friends. Only the daughter she treated poorly her entire life. I'm bad to think about spiritual meanings of all these things and realized that I had never forgiven her for all the times she didn't have my back. There were so many incidents. It left me feeling that I couldn't depend on anything but myself . It was all part of her narcissistic need, with her daughter as the sacrifice. This evening I thought how I couldn't expect her to be sorry for the things she did, because she does not have it in her. She is still narcissistic, with her needs being paramount. However, I can change the feelings I have. My parents did a lot of damage, but somehow I came through it. It is like being tested with fire. I made a lot of messes and struggled with so much insecurity. I made so many bad decisions. I feel like I'm on the other side of things now, though, after all this time. Now I just need to forgive and let go of the blame. My parents were terrible parents, but I don't think they knew any better. Probably a huge number of people out there had terrible parents, so I am just a piece of sand on the shore.

I care for my former absentee, deadbeat dad who also treated me inappropriately in a sexual way both as child and as an adult. I've had a few moments with him where I was able to put my foot down, and metaphorically up his backside at the same time, about the inappropriate sexual looks/comments and he has stopped. Its incredibly difficult not to be eternally angry. I've swung in and out of anger, resentment, hatred, wanting to die, wanting him to die... Right now I take it one day at a time. He needs medical treatment, I'm going to do my best to stick around and see that he gets what he needs. I also cringe when the doctors tell him how lucky he is to have me around or how saintly I am to be caring for him. But, whatever. If I can come home at the end of the day and feel like I am still intact and whole, and caring for him isn't controlling me, controlling my emotions, like his actions did at one time in my life, then I can keep doing this.

I don't know that this is at all helpful, tex, but I think there are quite a few of us on this site that do understand that we are giving more than we ever got. It would make anyone angry, but that's the problem because living in anger just stinks. I really appreciate my anti-anxiety medication, too, that I've been taking for about 5 months, because it does seem to help me with the anger.

And that's what you keep doing Tex, come here and tell US how much you hate her....and we do understand.... I didn't hate my abuser, my dad, but I became indifferent.... I think without all that passion about hating him no longer was more detrimental to him than hating him... he saw he had NO power over me anymore.... but unlike you, I was able to refuse to care for him......I know had he triggered something in me, my PTSD would have caused me to black out and do things I would still regret.... so healing the hatred was my best revenge... but...... I didn't have to live with the b*stard either.... so I do understand it is different...... and no, you aren't blessed to be in this situation.... other than the woman you are becoming and the woman you will be on the other side of this..... takes a lot more courage to do what you are doing and hating every second of it.....I know you are anxious about your surgery also... and wondering if you are going to ''be taken care of' while you are down.... all those little things.... maybe they will become less important to you during your down time.... and when you are back on your feet, you be easier on yourself...... I appreciate that you posted...... that's why I am so grateful for this site.... keep coming here and saying how you feel... we are here for you.... you are not alone.... sending prayers and hugs to you..... let us know how you are doing and how the surgery goes....

I am not wonderful. I hate her so much this morning but to look at me I just have a nonexpressive face.I don't speak,just do. Just got her bathed,told her I was to tired to bath her dog,he goes to the groomer next week.I am looking at neck surgery in the next couple of weeks and I have no idea the recuperative period for this. My husband is really going to have to step up, because I may not be able to do all the "little" things I do that no one notices until they aren't done. I guess they will find out. I am just having a bad day today,worried about the surgery because so much around this house and property depend on my physical well being.I just need to say out loud I hate her ,hate her and how my life has changed and how "nice" I am about it.I haven't even come out of my bedroom today except for what needs to be done for her and around the house and then I just retreat to my bedroom and hide because I am so afraid I will just start screaming I hate her and wish she was dead. I feel like a horrible person for feeling things like that, I don't feel this bad every day,it's just not a good day today.I may be on this site a lot today, thank god for everybody here,nobody understands like you guys do.Love you all!

Texarkana,

There are so many posts here that address this very topic. You're not alone.

You're a bigger person than your mom ever was to care for her at this stage in her life. I think you're wonderful.

Society and the govt expects us to care for them because they are our parents. They gave birth to us, raised us, fed us, provided a roof over our head. These same people tend to look away when they hear domestic violence. Or see that a child is being abused at home. It's this big white elephant that society/govt sees but ignores.

Some people think that I'm caregiving because I had a loving family. Ha! I just tell them that we had a very dysfunctional family and I'm here due to my conscience (religious reasons.)

I do find childhood anger and fears rise up when father becomes sooo angry. That I revert back to childhood - filled with so much fear - pounding heart, etc.... At least now that he's bedridden, his punches are not as strong as when he was walking. He can no longer punch me in the head and face. I no longer have to worry about "falling down the stairs" or "walking into the edge of an opened door."

I did have to seek therapy to help me with my deep anger towards him. I just needed someone to tell me that my childhood was wrong, bad. What made me realized how bad it was - was the look of horror on the therapist's face as I recounted what little memories I have. She was so amazed that I survived such a violent childhood -intact. She told me that she never recommends children who have been abused - to be their parents caregiver. BUT, she said that I seem to be handling it really well. I think, I just needed someone to tell me that what my parents did to us kids Was Wrong. I'm beginning to learn to put it behind me - until dad gets so angry and tries to punch/kick me. Then my childhood fears come rushing back full force.

Society - the same society that gives a father visitation rights for the children even though he tried to kill their mother. This same father, takes the kids using his visitation rights - and kills the kids. Over and over, we see this in the news. Society Believes One Thing and assumes that we all fit into that narrow view. Our parents gave birth to us, raised us, fed us, etc.. therefore we must show our appreciation and family obligations as pay back.