Why does society expect you to take care of someone that made your young life miserable?

Society and the govt expects us to care for them because they are our parents. They gave birth to us, raised us, fed us, provided a roof over our head. These same people tend to look away when they hear domestic violence. Or see that a child is being abused at home. It's this big white elephant that society/govt sees but ignores.

Some people think that I'm caregiving because I had a loving family. Ha! I just tell them that we had a very dysfunctional family and I'm here due to my conscience (religious reasons.)

I do find childhood anger and fears rise up when father becomes sooo angry. That I revert back to childhood - filled with so much fear - pounding heart, etc.... At least now that he's bedridden, his punches are not as strong as when he was walking. He can no longer punch me in the head and face. I no longer have to worry about "falling down the stairs" or "walking into the edge of an opened door."

I did have to seek therapy to help me with my deep anger towards him. I just needed someone to tell me that my childhood was wrong, bad. What made me realized how bad it was - was the look of horror on the therapist's face as I recounted what little memories I have. She was so amazed that I survived such a violent childhood -intact. She told me that she never recommends children who have been abused - to be their parents caregiver. BUT, she said that I seem to be handling it really well. I think, I just needed someone to tell me that what my parents did to us kids Was Wrong. I'm beginning to learn to put it behind me - until dad gets so angry and tries to punch/kick me. Then my childhood fears come rushing back full force.

Society - the same society that gives a father visitation rights for the children even though he tried to kill their mother. This same father, takes the kids using his visitation rights - and kills the kids. Over and over, we see this in the news. Society Believes One Thing and assumes that we all fit into that narrow view. Our parents gave birth to us, raised us, fed us, etc.. therefore we must show our appreciation and family obligations as pay back.

I am not wonderful. I hate her so much this morning but to look at me I just have a nonexpressive face.I don't speak,just do. Just got her bathed,told her I was to tired to bath her dog,he goes to the groomer next week.I am looking at neck surgery in the next couple of weeks and I have no idea the recuperative period for this. My husband is really going to have to step up, because I may not be able to do all the "little" things I do that no one notices until they aren't done. I guess they will find out. I am just having a bad day today,worried about the surgery because so much around this house and property depend on my physical well being.I just need to say out loud I hate her ,hate her and how my life has changed and how "nice" I am about it.I haven't even come out of my bedroom today except for what needs to be done for her and around the house and then I just retreat to my bedroom and hide because I am so afraid I will just start screaming I hate her and wish she was dead. I feel like a horrible person for feeling things like that, I don't feel this bad every day,it's just not a good day today.I may be on this site a lot today, thank god for everybody here,nobody understands like you guys do.Love you all!

I think a lot on these things. Mom and I were watching TBN tonight and one of the preachers said something about being punished by someone when we are in the right. This reminded me of when I was working at the church keeping children when I was a teenager. Two sisters were misbehaving at the rec center, so I sat them down in front of the TV and made them stay -- must have been 15-20 minutes before their parents came to pick them up. The parents were very upset that I had mistreated their babies. Though I did everything right, the supervisor fired me and my mother backed her up. It was easier to turn their back on me than displease the parents. My mother explained that she couldn't afford to lose her job, which was about 10 hours a week for $1.50 at that time -- less than minimum wage. So she sacrificed her daughter for $15 a week job. (rolls eyes) She never understood how wrong that was.

When I thought about it tonight, I thought how ironic it was that I am the only one that is here for her now. Her job is gone. Her husband is gone. Her sons never pay any attention to her. There are no friends. Only the daughter she treated poorly her entire life. I'm bad to think about spiritual meanings of all these things and realized that I had never forgiven her for all the times she didn't have my back. There were so many incidents. It left me feeling that I couldn't depend on anything but myself . It was all part of her narcissistic need, with her daughter as the sacrifice. This evening I thought how I couldn't expect her to be sorry for the things she did, because she does not have it in her. She is still narcissistic, with her needs being paramount. However, I can change the feelings I have. My parents did a lot of damage, but somehow I came through it. It is like being tested with fire. I made a lot of messes and struggled with so much insecurity. I made so many bad decisions. I feel like I'm on the other side of things now, though, after all this time. Now I just need to forgive and let go of the blame. My parents were terrible parents, but I don't think they knew any better. Probably a huge number of people out there had terrible parents, so I am just a piece of sand on the shore.

It doesn't pay to get too worried about what "society" expects you to do in terms of caring for elderly parents. Trying to please other people instead of looking out for yourself never ends well. You could wear yourself out caring for mom or dad, have no life of your own, and drop dead of a heart attack before you're sixty. Your reward would be "society" saying what a good daughter you were. Or not. People usually don't care all that much about what other people are up to, except to gossip about it. It's just as likely that people would call you an idiot for wasting your own life by waiting on your parents hand and foot.
What's important is that your parents are cared for. You can delegate that task to professionals without worrying about what people will think.

And that's what you keep doing Tex, come here and tell US how much you hate her....and we do understand.... I didn't hate my abuser, my dad, but I became indifferent.... I think without all that passion about hating him no longer was more detrimental to him than hating him... he saw he had NO power over me anymore.... but unlike you, I was able to refuse to care for him......I know had he triggered something in me, my PTSD would have caused me to black out and do things I would still regret.... so healing the hatred was my best revenge... but...... I didn't have to live with the b*stard either.... so I do understand it is different...... and no, you aren't blessed to be in this situation.... other than the woman you are becoming and the woman you will be on the other side of this..... takes a lot more courage to do what you are doing and hating every second of it.....I know you are anxious about your surgery also... and wondering if you are going to ''be taken care of' while you are down.... all those little things.... maybe they will become less important to you during your down time.... and when you are back on your feet, you be easier on yourself...... I appreciate that you posted...... that's why I am so grateful for this site.... keep coming here and saying how you feel... we are here for you.... you are not alone.... sending prayers and hugs to you..... let us know how you are doing and how the surgery goes....

I care for my former absentee, deadbeat dad who also treated me inappropriately in a sexual way both as child and as an adult. I've had a few moments with him where I was able to put my foot down, and metaphorically up his backside at the same time, about the inappropriate sexual looks/comments and he has stopped. Its incredibly difficult not to be eternally angry. I've swung in and out of anger, resentment, hatred, wanting to die, wanting him to die... Right now I take it one day at a time. He needs medical treatment, I'm going to do my best to stick around and see that he gets what he needs. I also cringe when the doctors tell him how lucky he is to have me around or how saintly I am to be caring for him. But, whatever. If I can come home at the end of the day and feel like I am still intact and whole, and caring for him isn't controlling me, controlling my emotions, like his actions did at one time in my life, then I can keep doing this.

I don't know that this is at all helpful, tex, but I think there are quite a few of us on this site that do understand that we are giving more than we ever got. It would make anyone angry, but that's the problem because living in anger just stinks. I really appreciate my anti-anxiety medication, too, that I've been taking for about 5 months, because it does seem to help me with the anger.

Texarkana, ignoring what "society" and others seem to expect is one of the challenges of life. You need to find your own path, based on your own circumstances. Easier said than done, I know.

At this very technologically dependenttime in our history, it seems to be expected that most people are willing to spend more money for wireless devices, over-the-top house and yard improvements, stainless steel appliances even if our existing ones are still functional...you name it...a whole host of consumer goods that supposedly increase the value of our lives.

And let's not forget that "society" seems to think we should join Facebook, share our lives, and allow personal information to be leveraged for advertising purposes (read the Facebook TOS and do some research on its privacy abuses if you don't believe me).

Everyone has to decide for him/herself, and that's the best way to decide whether you want to continue to care for your mother given the situation. If I were in that situation, I don't know that I could.

My feeling is society can go to hell; I make my own decisions...always have and always will. I'm a tough old bird.

Seems to me that its only us dysfunctionals that are caring for our parents my friends whose parents were there for them financially and emotionally wouldnt dare ask thier little sweeties to look after them and i know these friends would NOT look after these parents when the time comes as theyve told me and thats why alot of my friends dont understand why i do it? why should they they were never really thought to expect crap in their life so how would they cope. I just know that all of these parents will end up dying in their sleep OR have huge ins to 24/7 carers but theres no way my friends would look after thiers. When you give your kids everything youd think they would look after thier sick parents but i have never seen this? yeh so the more you spoil your kids the less chance of them looking after you later on? why? because when theres dysfunction we learn to cope with drama from a very young age we are also emotionally more intelligent than most as weve had to be to survive and also we cannot bear to hurt someone else as we have much more empathy. Right now i wish i was a spoilt little brat and selfish so i could just walk away and leave my mum and feel nothing but thats not who i am mores the pity! My friend said the other day oh if mum gets this its a home OH YEH? sad thing is she meant it! yep reap what you sow!

Bookluvr,

I'm close to your position; but instead of hate, I just don't care. For my mom. I just don't. However, I am not yet in the position of caregiver.

I think if caregiving was a short period in our lives, it would be different. But it can go on and on, for years. If I knew I had to care for my mother for a matter of months, or just a year, I'd do it. (I think!) But for many years? I am selfish enough (according to her) not to want to put my life on hold for that long.

You know what? There are people who understand (I am one of them) and people who don't understand hatred of a parent. You need to feel free to come here and express yourself and don't worry about those who don't understand. I think that here in these forums, most will and you can get some good insight about how to deal with it. But outside the world of caregiving, I don't even know if I'd say anything aloud. There's enough guilt already, having someone else lather on more just isn't needed.

Perhaps with your upcoming surgery, you could use that opportunity to draw some boundaries with your mom. I don't know if I could ask my husband to step up. He'd probably strangle her! So if I were in your shoes, my mom would have to accept outside help or do for herself. Then after the surgery, your limitations would mean that the new boundaries would be permanent.

I hope your surgery goes well for you.

Sharon

I found that the simple act of sharing, like you have, has been helpful to me and others. And I too went through a "mourning period" of sorts when I just let my dad go, emotionally and mentally. I am now indifferent about him. I mourned the father I wanted him to be for so long, and now I accept him for not being a caring loving parent, but an abusive one. It was challenging at first, especially with my deciding to run my own life - ( when family comes to visit me and the aunt I care for I leave the house - " thanks for coming, I have errands to run.." I just drew a line. So thanks for sharing.