Why does society expect you to take care of someone that made your young life miserable?

I agree Movingup although my mum is not a narc she does see me as THE ONE who cares more than the rest she knows ive a good heart and plays on it and im stupid enough to fall for it! Just like my men relationships i was TOO nice now im going to be a b*tch men like b*tchy women!! Nice guys with b*tchy women bad guys with nice women?? i get it!!

Well for one thing, when there is a narcissistic person in your family, no one else knows about the problems because parents are always trying to maintain the image of the perfect family, so I am dealing with the fact that all the people who know my family, including neighbors, and people at their church think that the little 'problem child' is now having to look after parents and pay them back for the wonderful childhood that they gave her. They blame me for anything bad and some know that I had counseling ( which seems to automatically "prove" that you have a problem.) I know that in many ways my childhood was not horrible, but also that I was bullied and emotionally damaged and still trying to deal with it. I know people who will talk to my parents and siblings, but have nothing to say to me. I have also heard that I had been called names because I am so exhausted that I do not have time to socialize with some people. What I resent is how they seem more interested in me as a caregiver than as a child.
When you have surgery and your mom wants to know where your life insurance policy is, or when you get sick and she whines about ' who will look after us while you are sick?' then it really rubs you the wrong way thinking about all the stuff you are doing and you mean so little. I find that even others in the family, and not, seem to act like my opinion does not matter and that I am not worth even asking about. I feel like a ghost sometimes.
Sometimes I would just like to start over in a new town with completely new people who would accept or reject me on the basis of who I really am.

I think most of this "guilting" is because who else would want to care for abusive elders? So make the victims suffer more and save the taxpayers a nickel. Have to think of ourselves too and refuse to cave.

And "society" doesn't seem to mind that 32% of us die "in service" to our narcissists.
I can guarantee that we individually have more compassion than most of those who question us put together. The unmitigated gall of the wicked to crucify us for doing the right thing. The problem is that often these people are in positions of authority. May they reap what they sow.

Anything so long as it didn't rock her boat, hey Patilee? Phewf. Big hug.

I just want to say that I am "with" all of you. We are rising to our "higher purpose". I am filled with so much anger most days; I live far away and am blessed to have two siblings who live closer to mom's AL facility. I, however, have poa and medical poa so I am the one who works behind the scenes with all medical orders, financial decisions and write all the checks, keep up her birthday card list etc.
She never protected me from my father who raped me when I was 7 and a stepfather who was emotionally abusive. I was told to never tell anyone, that they didn't "mean it".
Every day I just point toward 11:00 pm to get me through. I am blessed to be strong, have a family who loves me, have faith in my Higher Power, and have found this forum. I am so sorry you all are going through this too.

My mother was talking last night about my brother and his son. The son hasn't shone any interest in dating or moving out of the house. He is 23 years old. My brother's health is not good, so my mother said the son could be his caregiver and support the family when needed. I told her that it wasn't his job to do that. She couldn't give up the notion that the one child would sacrifice and do it all for the family. I don't know where this type of thinking comes from. It didn't have anything to do with my brother's thoughts, but it told me much about her own.

BTW, I don't think my brother's son would mind if it ever did happen. He's that nice. But I also don't think my brother would let it happen. He's that steadfast. I'm sure things are probably arranged.

Be my guest, Countrymouse.

Movingup I hope you won't mind - I'm printing that answer and showing it to my nice SIL. It might have helped her make a more sensible decision when she was packing to go abroad and her mother wanted her to stop what she was doing, go over to her house and adjust the central heating timer by one hour.

"If I acted the way she does, she'd tell me to snap out of it." That's the thing. Straight out of Mrs Doasyouwouldbedoneby (you!) and - in your mother's case, with the rest of your family - Mrs Beyoudonebyasyoudid. Thank you.

I think we people brought up by narcissists have empathy sickness. I feel sorry for my mother way too easily and she uses that vulnerability . If I acted the way she does, she'd tell me to snap out of it. She has no use for needy people, even if they are babies. Actually I think she is a lot closer to average, normal people than I am. I identify with vulnerable, hurting people way too much. Well, she acted pitiful and conned me into saying I'd visit her this summer. Of course that wasn't good enough and she wanted me to stay the whole summer which of course I can't. I'm the only one in the family who does visit her at all but that's just taken for granted. If I go, it will be miserable. Every ordinary little thing, like washing my hair and brushing my teeth, will be a battle. She doesn't do either much and doesn't think I need to either. When I get home, I just want a decent wash.

I found that the simple act of sharing, like you have, has been helpful to me and others. And I too went through a "mourning period" of sorts when I just let my dad go, emotionally and mentally. I am now indifferent about him. I mourned the father I wanted him to be for so long, and now I accept him for not being a caring loving parent, but an abusive one. It was challenging at first, especially with my deciding to run my own life - ( when family comes to visit me and the aunt I care for I leave the house - " thanks for coming, I have errands to run.." I just drew a line. So thanks for sharing.

My mother has been a mean, spiteful, manipulative narcissist her whole life and I've spent a lifetime avoiding her if possible. Purely out of duty I quit my career, sold my home and moved to care for her for four years of pure h*ll. After going into a nursing home (now 88 with parkinsons, strokes and dementia) she called me daily throwing tantrums until it made me ill. Changed my phone number and made it unlisted. She doesn't know my address either as in some fit of pique she'd likely call the cops on me - did that once 20 years ago when she wasn't looney tunes.

In essence I've gone into hiding. I pay her bills, ensure she has all she needs and visit occasionally, which is terribly stressful - an hour of bitching and complaining about anything and everything, me, me, me, I want, I want, I want, wah wah wah. I do and have done all I can bit I'm so totally done with the drama. I will never be totally free until she passes away.

Your not alone. My parents we abusive alcoholics when I was growing up . They made HORRIBLE decisions my whole childhood I paid the price by having a lousy childhood. No food half the time homeless half the time with 1 handicap brother and 4 sisters. We had to call every bar in town to find them most days. Nobody held a regular job. I always knew when they got old these things would catch up to them ( No life insurance no pension etc ). Well that time is now My father just passed away and Mom had to come live with us because she cant afford to live alone. So now here I am all these years later and Im STILLLLLLL the one paying for their bad decisions. Im ANGRY as H*LL. They ruined my childhood and now they have ruined the last part of my life. Shes a hard women to live with and shes cold as ice sometimes. My resentment gets stronger everyday. Im convinced she will out live me because living with her and and giving up my whole lifestyle is going to kill me. meanwhile all my sisters are on with their lives ( we all live in different states ) Don't know how this is going to end but I cant live 30 more years like this........I am a defeated person and the life is slowly being sucked right out of me.

Yemi, have you thought about an institutional placement for your mother?

It doesn't pay to get too worried about what "society" expects you to do in terms of caring for elderly parents. Trying to please other people instead of looking out for yourself never ends well. You could wear yourself out caring for mom or dad, have no life of your own, and drop dead of a heart attack before you're sixty. Your reward would be "society" saying what a good daughter you were. Or not. People usually don't care all that much about what other people are up to, except to gossip about it. It's just as likely that people would call you an idiot for wasting your own life by waiting on your parents hand and foot.
What's important is that your parents are cared for. You can delegate that task to professionals without worrying about what people will think.

Kazzaa, I'm sure you're right, that there is a strong correlation between dysfunctional parents and parents who need/expect care from their children in their later years - it stands to reason. The kind of together, aware, organised, capable people who make ideal parents are also the sort of people who make flexible and effective provision for their old age, no?

Scatter-brained, groundlessly-optimistic, apathetic, hopelessly impractical people like my darling mother, whom I do love and who never intentionally did her children any harm, on the other hand…

After a life time of manipulation and her complicity regarding the emotional and physical abuse of her beloved husband--my step father, today I had enough of this whole affair of me--her only child and last living relative--being her long term care insurance by design and manipulation. And yes, I am sometimes consumed with anger because at 63, she is sucking away the last strong decade of my life. Meanwhile, while in her sixties, she was traveling, partying, redecorating and redecorating her home, had a boyfriend, basically having a good time as a retired widow. I at 63, am in forced retirement to take care of her, and reconfiguring my home into a nursing home trying to find creative ways to fight the odor. But, I digress. Back to your question, I think people have what I call a Hallmark greeting card/commercial moment when they tell me how lucky I am to have my mother just to hear her voice. I reality, I will breathe deeply when I no longer hear my name called (sometimes at 15 minute intervals for hours; sometimes in her sleep) and now with the screaming at the top of her lungs while sitting on the side of her bed maybe an hour to 45 minutes...I will not miss this voice if I survive care giving. People and especially the people in the government who design the programs, regulations, and talking points really have NO IDEA. I used to whirl around on people making those comments..."you are such a good daughter," "you are so lucky to hear your mother's voice," and other such blind-to-the-reality-of-the-situation remarks and give them a quick cameo of what it is really like to lead your life to the slaughter in service of a parent that basically focused on having a good time, keeping her man happy, and ridiculed me for not being her carbon copy. But, then I stopped doing that because of the looks of horror and disbelief on their faces--I would not wish care giving of a demented person on anyone. People want to live the television/movie version of life; not life's difficult and awful realities. I guess that how they cope with their personal version of hell--and, no one gets away clean. Well, except in fiction. Those in the government making social policy...well I suppose for many the main focus is on getting re-elected and the programs for the body politic are a part of their PR campaign. Seemingly their actual constituents as it relates to medical matters, and vulnerable the populations among us are those industries who will make money on the initiatives outlined in their PR. Okay, I have now become quite cynical after seven years of dealing with Medicare, Blue Cross/Blue Shield, the Veteran's Administration, the Area Agency on Aging, etc. Please just stop and relentlessly do something that pleases you. Be well and best wishes for a peaceful and speedy recovery

It is best to only take care of your abusive parent from a distance...Hands on care is not advisable. The agencies will make you feel guilty and any other emotion they can bring on because the bottom line is....they don't want to give out money especially to a relative who is morally obligated or emotionally obligated. Don't buy into it and stand your ground.

texarkana, I don't know what society you hang out in, but the people in my circles do NOT expect an adult who was abused or neglected as a child to do hands-on caring for the parent in their old age. I consider it a pretty unhealthy thing to do, myself. Caregiving from a step removed -- seeing that the parent has a safe and clean place to live and enough to eat and medical care -- without actually paying for it or providing daily care -- would be considered more than adequate.

About 10 years ago I was about to fall into that trap about you have to take care of your parents, but I thought to ask a moral theologian (Catholic) of my acquaintance about the moral obligations here. He told me that basically you had an obligation to help if they fell into destitution, that's all. You would do what you reasonably could financially to get them to a safe place, but you would not have to do caregiving hands on, no problem with them going into a institution, etc. I do not think anyone has an obligation to wreck their own physical or spiritual health by getting involved with bad parents - after all they should expect to reap the consequences of their bad behavior. A lot of people are incredibly generous in trying to help, but I would never blame anyone who felt it wiser to stand back.

kazzaa, I think you're brilliant..

I don't expect you to do it. I wouldn't.

Seems to me that its only us dysfunctionals that are caring for our parents my friends whose parents were there for them financially and emotionally wouldnt dare ask thier little sweeties to look after them and i know these friends would NOT look after these parents when the time comes as theyve told me and thats why alot of my friends dont understand why i do it? why should they they were never really thought to expect crap in their life so how would they cope. I just know that all of these parents will end up dying in their sleep OR have huge ins to 24/7 carers but theres no way my friends would look after thiers. When you give your kids everything youd think they would look after thier sick parents but i have never seen this? yeh so the more you spoil your kids the less chance of them looking after you later on? why? because when theres dysfunction we learn to cope with drama from a very young age we are also emotionally more intelligent than most as weve had to be to survive and also we cannot bear to hurt someone else as we have much more empathy. Right now i wish i was a spoilt little brat and selfish so i could just walk away and leave my mum and feel nothing but thats not who i am mores the pity! My friend said the other day oh if mum gets this its a home OH YEH? sad thing is she meant it! yep reap what you sow!

Maybe someone else has already posted this but NO you are not obligated to take care of your parents. But, you should have had a loving relationship with them that would make you want to take care of them. If not, then you should make arrangements to make sure they are cared for. Just because a parent gave birth to you does not mean they are entitled to be cared for in their old age. Especially if they were abusive.

The laws in our society, both legal and moral, dictate a parent care for a child. If they don't the child will be removed. There are few if any laws governing the care of an elderly parent. Most people love their parents and want to care for them. However, some of us have suffered under their care. I think you should do the best you can and not let others dictate what is expected of you.

Tex, I LOVE your friend! Can we have her/him mass-produced and distributed, please??!!

Tex, you're not alone. I have to be thankful (I think?) that my father passed away last year, and that I'm left caring only for my mother. He was the primary abuser - Mom was the one that made us stay together as a family after I told her at 10 yrs old that he was doing it. (Found out he wasn't just sexually abusing me, but all of us kids.) So I deal with the resentment of my mother *not* leaving him and putting him in prison, as any other woman would have. I alternate between thinking she was incredibly strong to do so...and thinking she was incredibly weak to do so. Depends on the day. Most of the time, I have to wall it off and not think about it.

Just got back from another 80mile round trip to MD, her foot is healing well, tomorrow I drive back in this time for myself to talk with my MD about to do about my neck, the MRI showed cervical stenosis with bone spurs around C5-6 which explains the symptoms I have been having, numb hands, pain between shoulders and jaw,already saw my cardiologist and he said my heart was fine,LOL.The stress on me is just having to be so physically close to her in the car and the MD office.It just makes my whole body clench.Have to keep telling myself she can't take anything from me or do anything to me ,like a child comforting themselves and I am 55.Have a great friend that is at the house right now helping with cleaning and basically entertaining my mother,this is the best friend I have ever had. So right now I am back in my bedroom under the airconditioning while mother blathers away to my friend.

Alison, yes -- "forgiveness" is such a loaded concept. Everyone has their own idea of what it is, what it entails, how it feels, how long that feeling lasts, lol! In my case, these past 12 months have been a whirlwind of insight and understanding for me -- and that's come with a tremendous amount of anger as well. But then, "anger" has many different dimensions, components. In an angry moment, if you can, sit quietly and listen to it. You'll find very quickly that it's never JUST anger, it's at least half a dozen other things.
CM -- on this crazy caregiving path, yes, it's 3 steps forward, 2 back! Completely agree!
Texarkana -- I regret not knowing myself well enough when I was younger. Again, just within the past year, I've become enormously aware of 1) what my needs/wants are; 2) that I don't have to defend them to anyone. It was the shakiest sensation in the beginning, but believe me, I'm getting extremely comfortable with it now! :)

Texarkana, ignoring what "society" and others seem to expect is one of the challenges of life. You need to find your own path, based on your own circumstances. Easier said than done, I know.

At this very technologically dependenttime in our history, it seems to be expected that most people are willing to spend more money for wireless devices, over-the-top house and yard improvements, stainless steel appliances even if our existing ones are still functional...you name it...a whole host of consumer goods that supposedly increase the value of our lives.

And let's not forget that "society" seems to think we should join Facebook, share our lives, and allow personal information to be leveraged for advertising purposes (read the Facebook TOS and do some research on its privacy abuses if you don't believe me).

Everyone has to decide for him/herself, and that's the best way to decide whether you want to continue to care for your mother given the situation. If I were in that situation, I don't know that I could.

My feeling is society can go to hell; I make my own decisions...always have and always will. I'm a tough old bird.

I completely agree, Alison. Knowing that you do have a choice, and knowing that it won't be forever - vital. And I agree, too, that it's three steps forward two steps back all the way; but unless anyone has any better suggestions..?!