Why does society expect you to take care of someone that made your young life miserable?

Society and the govt expects us to care for them because they are our parents. They gave birth to us, raised us, fed us, provided a roof over our head. These same people tend to look away when they hear domestic violence. Or see that a child is being abused at home. It's this big white elephant that society/govt sees but ignores.

Some people think that I'm caregiving because I had a loving family. Ha! I just tell them that we had a very dysfunctional family and I'm here due to my conscience (religious reasons.)

I do find childhood anger and fears rise up when father becomes sooo angry. That I revert back to childhood - filled with so much fear - pounding heart, etc.... At least now that he's bedridden, his punches are not as strong as when he was walking. He can no longer punch me in the head and face. I no longer have to worry about "falling down the stairs" or "walking into the edge of an opened door."

I did have to seek therapy to help me with my deep anger towards him. I just needed someone to tell me that my childhood was wrong, bad. What made me realized how bad it was - was the look of horror on the therapist's face as I recounted what little memories I have. She was so amazed that I survived such a violent childhood -intact. She told me that she never recommends children who have been abused - to be their parents caregiver. BUT, she said that I seem to be handling it really well. I think, I just needed someone to tell me that what my parents did to us kids Was Wrong. I'm beginning to learn to put it behind me - until dad gets so angry and tries to punch/kick me. Then my childhood fears come rushing back full force.

Society - the same society that gives a father visitation rights for the children even though he tried to kill their mother. This same father, takes the kids using his visitation rights - and kills the kids. Over and over, we see this in the news. Society Believes One Thing and assumes that we all fit into that narrow view. Our parents gave birth to us, raised us, fed us, etc.. therefore we must show our appreciation and family obligations as pay back.

Texarkana,

There are so many posts here that address this very topic. You're not alone.

You're a bigger person than your mom ever was to care for her at this stage in her life. I think you're wonderful.

I am not wonderful. I hate her so much this morning but to look at me I just have a nonexpressive face.I don't speak,just do. Just got her bathed,told her I was to tired to bath her dog,he goes to the groomer next week.I am looking at neck surgery in the next couple of weeks and I have no idea the recuperative period for this. My husband is really going to have to step up, because I may not be able to do all the "little" things I do that no one notices until they aren't done. I guess they will find out. I am just having a bad day today,worried about the surgery because so much around this house and property depend on my physical well being.I just need to say out loud I hate her ,hate her and how my life has changed and how "nice" I am about it.I haven't even come out of my bedroom today except for what needs to be done for her and around the house and then I just retreat to my bedroom and hide because I am so afraid I will just start screaming I hate her and wish she was dead. I feel like a horrible person for feeling things like that, I don't feel this bad every day,it's just not a good day today.I may be on this site a lot today, thank god for everybody here,nobody understands like you guys do.Love you all!

And that's what you keep doing Tex, come here and tell US how much you hate her....and we do understand.... I didn't hate my abuser, my dad, but I became indifferent.... I think without all that passion about hating him no longer was more detrimental to him than hating him... he saw he had NO power over me anymore.... but unlike you, I was able to refuse to care for him......I know had he triggered something in me, my PTSD would have caused me to black out and do things I would still regret.... so healing the hatred was my best revenge... but...... I didn't have to live with the b*stard either.... so I do understand it is different...... and no, you aren't blessed to be in this situation.... other than the woman you are becoming and the woman you will be on the other side of this..... takes a lot more courage to do what you are doing and hating every second of it.....I know you are anxious about your surgery also... and wondering if you are going to ''be taken care of' while you are down.... all those little things.... maybe they will become less important to you during your down time.... and when you are back on your feet, you be easier on yourself...... I appreciate that you posted...... that's why I am so grateful for this site.... keep coming here and saying how you feel... we are here for you.... you are not alone.... sending prayers and hugs to you..... let us know how you are doing and how the surgery goes....

I care for my former absentee, deadbeat dad who also treated me inappropriately in a sexual way both as child and as an adult. I've had a few moments with him where I was able to put my foot down, and metaphorically up his backside at the same time, about the inappropriate sexual looks/comments and he has stopped. Its incredibly difficult not to be eternally angry. I've swung in and out of anger, resentment, hatred, wanting to die, wanting him to die... Right now I take it one day at a time. He needs medical treatment, I'm going to do my best to stick around and see that he gets what he needs. I also cringe when the doctors tell him how lucky he is to have me around or how saintly I am to be caring for him. But, whatever. If I can come home at the end of the day and feel like I am still intact and whole, and caring for him isn't controlling me, controlling my emotions, like his actions did at one time in my life, then I can keep doing this.

I don't know that this is at all helpful, tex, but I think there are quite a few of us on this site that do understand that we are giving more than we ever got. It would make anyone angry, but that's the problem because living in anger just stinks. I really appreciate my anti-anxiety medication, too, that I've been taking for about 5 months, because it does seem to help me with the anger.

I think a lot on these things. Mom and I were watching TBN tonight and one of the preachers said something about being punished by someone when we are in the right. This reminded me of when I was working at the church keeping children when I was a teenager. Two sisters were misbehaving at the rec center, so I sat them down in front of the TV and made them stay -- must have been 15-20 minutes before their parents came to pick them up. The parents were very upset that I had mistreated their babies. Though I did everything right, the supervisor fired me and my mother backed her up. It was easier to turn their back on me than displease the parents. My mother explained that she couldn't afford to lose her job, which was about 10 hours a week for $1.50 at that time -- less than minimum wage. So she sacrificed her daughter for $15 a week job. (rolls eyes) She never understood how wrong that was.

When I thought about it tonight, I thought how ironic it was that I am the only one that is here for her now. Her job is gone. Her husband is gone. Her sons never pay any attention to her. There are no friends. Only the daughter she treated poorly her entire life. I'm bad to think about spiritual meanings of all these things and realized that I had never forgiven her for all the times she didn't have my back. There were so many incidents. It left me feeling that I couldn't depend on anything but myself . It was all part of her narcissistic need, with her daughter as the sacrifice. This evening I thought how I couldn't expect her to be sorry for the things she did, because she does not have it in her. She is still narcissistic, with her needs being paramount. However, I can change the feelings I have. My parents did a lot of damage, but somehow I came through it. It is like being tested with fire. I made a lot of messes and struggled with so much insecurity. I made so many bad decisions. I feel like I'm on the other side of things now, though, after all this time. Now I just need to forgive and let go of the blame. My parents were terrible parents, but I don't think they knew any better. Probably a huge number of people out there had terrible parents, so I am just a piece of sand on the shore.

Bookluvr,

I'm close to your position; but instead of hate, I just don't care. For my mom. I just don't. However, I am not yet in the position of caregiver.

I think if caregiving was a short period in our lives, it would be different. But it can go on and on, for years. If I knew I had to care for my mother for a matter of months, or just a year, I'd do it. (I think!) But for many years? I am selfish enough (according to her) not to want to put my life on hold for that long.

You know what? There are people who understand (I am one of them) and people who don't understand hatred of a parent. You need to feel free to come here and express yourself and don't worry about those who don't understand. I think that here in these forums, most will and you can get some good insight about how to deal with it. But outside the world of caregiving, I don't even know if I'd say anything aloud. There's enough guilt already, having someone else lather on more just isn't needed.

Perhaps with your upcoming surgery, you could use that opportunity to draw some boundaries with your mom. I don't know if I could ask my husband to step up. He'd probably strangle her! So if I were in your shoes, my mom would have to accept outside help or do for herself. Then after the surgery, your limitations would mean that the new boundaries would be permanent.

I hope your surgery goes well for you.

Sharon

Sharon, don't feel bad for me just become some poster comes on and tells us to forgive. I KNOW my limitations. By the way, I even brought this up to my religious leader how I'm a terrible Christian because I cannot forgive my parents for what they have done for me. I forgot what he said to me but he did reassure me that when God said to Forgive, it was Not That Kind of Forgiveness. I Feel NO guilt about where I am right now and why I cannot forgive and forget. I think - my actions - speak louder than words. I may not like my father, but I'm still here doing my Christian obligation. This is between me and God. If He deems I'm short due to not forgiving my parents - so be it. At least I wasn't like my 7 siblings who fled the home and never looked back. We each determine what we can live with in our life. If you feel it's necessary to confront your parents - so be it. If you feel it's necessary to pretend nothing happen - so be it. If you feel you cannot caregive them physically - so be it. If you feel that the only option is nursing home - so be it. You know where you stand and how much you can handle.

FYI, my siblings have told their spouses and me to my boyfriend at the time of our childhood. They did NOT believe us. They all thought we were exaggerating. One day, we siblings got together and started reminiscing of our childhood. My youngest sister's husband blurted out, "I thought my wife was exaggerating!!" Older bro broke down crying just from remembering the beatings and verbal abuses from both parents. So, yeah, those who never had a dysfunctional family like ours - would not understand nor can comprehend that parents can do those things to children. Thanks, Sharon for having my back. =) {{hugs}}

Sometimes I wonder if it is even possible to forgive if the person hasn't changed and you are with them every day.

I think I have forgiven her. Does forgiving mean that you forget? Unless I get a brain injury with amnesia I can't forget,no matter how hard I try.I would have to be in deep denial to actually forget, my memory is to good. Also,everyday,there she is in my house, a constant reminder.How do you get away from that? She is behaving well right now because she knows I may be having neck surgery in a few weeks and has started to realize that her quality of life at this point really depends on me. I know I should forgive, I say the words out loud but I can never forget especially with her right in my house.What kind of person does that make me? Somedays I feel sorry for her but then I remember that I lived at home with her for 18yrs, she had 18yrs to make a good relationship with me.I couldn't believe it when she actually admitted that when she had extra time that instead of spending time with her only child, I was small at the time, she would work overtime,not for food or a roof over our head, but to get extra money to buy jewelry,and I mean big jewelry, to this day I don't wear any because it just reminds me that these cold inanimate objects meant more to my mom than I did.I have never seen her face light up over me as when she was looking at diamonds.

While physical abuse did not take place, my father was always threatening to do so. He never wanted me around in the first place, Im coming to that conclusion more each day. I was never close to him. I always secretly laughed at him. He would act nice in front of strangers, but all he ever did at home was yell, scream, threaten. He and my brothers would really get into heated fights and I remember running upstairs in fear all the time. He was jealous of any attention my mother paid to me and would refer to me as "that child" When I saw my friends that were close to their father, I always thought :"You like your father ?" I even remember asking my sister once when I was very young, "Do you like Mom or Dad better.." Once I went to college and began my career, then he started being nice to me as if I was finally worthy of his attention. But now that Im working from home and living with him, he is back to treating me like a nobody. He treats his HHA better than me.

I don't care for my mother either, haven't since I was a young girl, but here I have her living in my house but after 3 years of on and off and a yeAr and a half of straight time having her here I am over the edge and so is my husband...we have no life, no privacy, we can't even get into the 1 bathroom when we need to....I have no other sibling alive, and took her here out of a sense of obligation but I feel that no longer...I think I have done my time..I'm miserable, trapped, hateful, don't care much about anything, ...I'm just existing and hate my life..I want OUT

Um. I hope I'm not dropping a brick in the pond here, but unless you've managed to build very strong boundaries, or have had a lot of success in healing, I don't think you should take care of a parent or spouse who made you miserable. Not hands-on daily caregiving, anyway. It's too stressful for you, and should anything snap or break the camel's back, it could even carry potential risk for the cared-for person. It's fraught.

And I don't, either, think that society does expect you to give care in those circumstances. Society is content to assume that parents love their children, and that children - in a different way - love them back: that's why it makes assumptions about who is looking after whom at the various stages of life. But once non-stereotypical situations are made clear, society is perfectly capable of adapting its expectations and generally does. Small-minded people, offering opinions they have no right to voice, do not - thank God - represent Society.

Random thoughts on this subject: I don't think, for me, "forgiveness" has entered into it. I don't feel the need to forgive, although it seems to have largely happened somewhere along the way of the past 3 years, not all at once but in small waves of understanding more about who my father is as a flawed human being, and for that I am very grateful. I feel more like its a need to accept what is my current life and work towards finite goals. And its more about maintaining emotional/psychological distance, i.e. detachment, and when need be - if I've had a particularly difficult day - physical distance, too. I am not a "hands on caregiver" at this point as much as I am a medical appointment planner, services coordinator, transportation provider. I work towards setting him up to be on his own again - as medically stable as he can be and with services in place to help him live independently. Then I exit, but will always be keeping an eye on him... from my own future separate residence/life. That is the plan.

So my situation is different because I do not plan to be caregiving to my father for the rest of his life or even a year from now, hopefully... but its possible that's very optimistic and naive of me to hope for a transition that soon. But my point is that I think there is a massive psychological weight that would come from feeling like I couldn't exit the situation. Dreaming about a different future keeps me going, one day at a time.

Lol, and I think some on AC who I interact with would say I can be pretty naive... but in my situation, it helps me if I am very cerebral about everything and yes - really naive. ;-)

I completely agree, Alison. Knowing that you do have a choice, and knowing that it won't be forever - vital. And I agree, too, that it's three steps forward two steps back all the way; but unless anyone has any better suggestions..?!

Texarkana, ignoring what "society" and others seem to expect is one of the challenges of life. You need to find your own path, based on your own circumstances. Easier said than done, I know.

At this very technologically dependenttime in our history, it seems to be expected that most people are willing to spend more money for wireless devices, over-the-top house and yard improvements, stainless steel appliances even if our existing ones are still functional...you name it...a whole host of consumer goods that supposedly increase the value of our lives.

And let's not forget that "society" seems to think we should join Facebook, share our lives, and allow personal information to be leveraged for advertising purposes (read the Facebook TOS and do some research on its privacy abuses if you don't believe me).

Everyone has to decide for him/herself, and that's the best way to decide whether you want to continue to care for your mother given the situation. If I were in that situation, I don't know that I could.

My feeling is society can go to hell; I make my own decisions...always have and always will. I'm a tough old bird.

Alison, yes -- "forgiveness" is such a loaded concept. Everyone has their own idea of what it is, what it entails, how it feels, how long that feeling lasts, lol! In my case, these past 12 months have been a whirlwind of insight and understanding for me -- and that's come with a tremendous amount of anger as well. But then, "anger" has many different dimensions, components. In an angry moment, if you can, sit quietly and listen to it. You'll find very quickly that it's never JUST anger, it's at least half a dozen other things.
CM -- on this crazy caregiving path, yes, it's 3 steps forward, 2 back! Completely agree!
Texarkana -- I regret not knowing myself well enough when I was younger. Again, just within the past year, I've become enormously aware of 1) what my needs/wants are; 2) that I don't have to defend them to anyone. It was the shakiest sensation in the beginning, but believe me, I'm getting extremely comfortable with it now! :)

Just got back from another 80mile round trip to MD, her foot is healing well, tomorrow I drive back in this time for myself to talk with my MD about to do about my neck, the MRI showed cervical stenosis with bone spurs around C5-6 which explains the symptoms I have been having, numb hands, pain between shoulders and jaw,already saw my cardiologist and he said my heart was fine,LOL.The stress on me is just having to be so physically close to her in the car and the MD office.It just makes my whole body clench.Have to keep telling myself she can't take anything from me or do anything to me ,like a child comforting themselves and I am 55.Have a great friend that is at the house right now helping with cleaning and basically entertaining my mother,this is the best friend I have ever had. So right now I am back in my bedroom under the airconditioning while mother blathers away to my friend.

Tex, you're not alone. I have to be thankful (I think?) that my father passed away last year, and that I'm left caring only for my mother. He was the primary abuser - Mom was the one that made us stay together as a family after I told her at 10 yrs old that he was doing it. (Found out he wasn't just sexually abusing me, but all of us kids.) So I deal with the resentment of my mother *not* leaving him and putting him in prison, as any other woman would have. I alternate between thinking she was incredibly strong to do so...and thinking she was incredibly weak to do so. Depends on the day. Most of the time, I have to wall it off and not think about it.

Tex, I LOVE your friend! Can we have her/him mass-produced and distributed, please??!!

Maybe someone else has already posted this but NO you are not obligated to take care of your parents. But, you should have had a loving relationship with them that would make you want to take care of them. If not, then you should make arrangements to make sure they are cared for. Just because a parent gave birth to you does not mean they are entitled to be cared for in their old age. Especially if they were abusive.

The laws in our society, both legal and moral, dictate a parent care for a child. If they don't the child will be removed. There are few if any laws governing the care of an elderly parent. Most people love their parents and want to care for them. However, some of us have suffered under their care. I think you should do the best you can and not let others dictate what is expected of you.

Seems to me that its only us dysfunctionals that are caring for our parents my friends whose parents were there for them financially and emotionally wouldnt dare ask thier little sweeties to look after them and i know these friends would NOT look after these parents when the time comes as theyve told me and thats why alot of my friends dont understand why i do it? why should they they were never really thought to expect crap in their life so how would they cope. I just know that all of these parents will end up dying in their sleep OR have huge ins to 24/7 carers but theres no way my friends would look after thiers. When you give your kids everything youd think they would look after thier sick parents but i have never seen this? yeh so the more you spoil your kids the less chance of them looking after you later on? why? because when theres dysfunction we learn to cope with drama from a very young age we are also emotionally more intelligent than most as weve had to be to survive and also we cannot bear to hurt someone else as we have much more empathy. Right now i wish i was a spoilt little brat and selfish so i could just walk away and leave my mum and feel nothing but thats not who i am mores the pity! My friend said the other day oh if mum gets this its a home OH YEH? sad thing is she meant it! yep reap what you sow!

I don't expect you to do it. I wouldn't.

kazzaa, I think you're brilliant..

About 10 years ago I was about to fall into that trap about you have to take care of your parents, but I thought to ask a moral theologian (Catholic) of my acquaintance about the moral obligations here. He told me that basically you had an obligation to help if they fell into destitution, that's all. You would do what you reasonably could financially to get them to a safe place, but you would not have to do caregiving hands on, no problem with them going into a institution, etc. I do not think anyone has an obligation to wreck their own physical or spiritual health by getting involved with bad parents - after all they should expect to reap the consequences of their bad behavior. A lot of people are incredibly generous in trying to help, but I would never blame anyone who felt it wiser to stand back.

texarkana, I don't know what society you hang out in, but the people in my circles do NOT expect an adult who was abused or neglected as a child to do hands-on caring for the parent in their old age. I consider it a pretty unhealthy thing to do, myself. Caregiving from a step removed -- seeing that the parent has a safe and clean place to live and enough to eat and medical care -- without actually paying for it or providing daily care -- would be considered more than adequate.

It is best to only take care of your abusive parent from a distance...Hands on care is not advisable. The agencies will make you feel guilty and any other emotion they can bring on because the bottom line is....they don't want to give out money especially to a relative who is morally obligated or emotionally obligated. Don't buy into it and stand your ground.

After a life time of manipulation and her complicity regarding the emotional and physical abuse of her beloved husband--my step father, today I had enough of this whole affair of me--her only child and last living relative--being her long term care insurance by design and manipulation. And yes, I am sometimes consumed with anger because at 63, she is sucking away the last strong decade of my life. Meanwhile, while in her sixties, she was traveling, partying, redecorating and redecorating her home, had a boyfriend, basically having a good time as a retired widow. I at 63, am in forced retirement to take care of her, and reconfiguring my home into a nursing home trying to find creative ways to fight the odor. But, I digress. Back to your question, I think people have what I call a Hallmark greeting card/commercial moment when they tell me how lucky I am to have my mother just to hear her voice. I reality, I will breathe deeply when I no longer hear my name called (sometimes at 15 minute intervals for hours; sometimes in her sleep) and now with the screaming at the top of her lungs while sitting on the side of her bed maybe an hour to 45 minutes...I will not miss this voice if I survive care giving. People and especially the people in the government who design the programs, regulations, and talking points really have NO IDEA. I used to whirl around on people making those comments..."you are such a good daughter," "you are so lucky to hear your mother's voice," and other such blind-to-the-reality-of-the-situation remarks and give them a quick cameo of what it is really like to lead your life to the slaughter in service of a parent that basically focused on having a good time, keeping her man happy, and ridiculed me for not being her carbon copy. But, then I stopped doing that because of the looks of horror and disbelief on their faces--I would not wish care giving of a demented person on anyone. People want to live the television/movie version of life; not life's difficult and awful realities. I guess that how they cope with their personal version of hell--and, no one gets away clean. Well, except in fiction. Those in the government making social policy...well I suppose for many the main focus is on getting re-elected and the programs for the body politic are a part of their PR campaign. Seemingly their actual constituents as it relates to medical matters, and vulnerable the populations among us are those industries who will make money on the initiatives outlined in their PR. Okay, I have now become quite cynical after seven years of dealing with Medicare, Blue Cross/Blue Shield, the Veteran's Administration, the Area Agency on Aging, etc. Please just stop and relentlessly do something that pleases you. Be well and best wishes for a peaceful and speedy recovery

Kazzaa, I'm sure you're right, that there is a strong correlation between dysfunctional parents and parents who need/expect care from their children in their later years - it stands to reason. The kind of together, aware, organised, capable people who make ideal parents are also the sort of people who make flexible and effective provision for their old age, no?

Scatter-brained, groundlessly-optimistic, apathetic, hopelessly impractical people like my darling mother, whom I do love and who never intentionally did her children any harm, on the other hand…

It doesn't pay to get too worried about what "society" expects you to do in terms of caring for elderly parents. Trying to please other people instead of looking out for yourself never ends well. You could wear yourself out caring for mom or dad, have no life of your own, and drop dead of a heart attack before you're sixty. Your reward would be "society" saying what a good daughter you were. Or not. People usually don't care all that much about what other people are up to, except to gossip about it. It's just as likely that people would call you an idiot for wasting your own life by waiting on your parents hand and foot.
What's important is that your parents are cared for. You can delegate that task to professionals without worrying about what people will think.