Why does society expect you to take care of someone that made your young life miserable?

Yemi, have you thought about an institutional placement for your mother?

Your not alone. My parents we abusive alcoholics when I was growing up . They made HORRIBLE decisions my whole childhood I paid the price by having a lousy childhood. No food half the time homeless half the time with 1 handicap brother and 4 sisters. We had to call every bar in town to find them most days. Nobody held a regular job. I always knew when they got old these things would catch up to them ( No life insurance no pension etc ). Well that time is now My father just passed away and Mom had to come live with us because she cant afford to live alone. So now here I am all these years later and Im STILLLLLLL the one paying for their bad decisions. Im ANGRY as H*LL. They ruined my childhood and now they have ruined the last part of my life. Shes a hard women to live with and shes cold as ice sometimes. My resentment gets stronger everyday. Im convinced she will out live me because living with her and and giving up my whole lifestyle is going to kill me. meanwhile all my sisters are on with their lives ( we all live in different states ) Don't know how this is going to end but I cant live 30 more years like this........I am a defeated person and the life is slowly being sucked right out of me.

My mother has been a mean, spiteful, manipulative narcissist her whole life and I've spent a lifetime avoiding her if possible. Purely out of duty I quit my career, sold my home and moved to care for her for four years of pure h*ll. After going into a nursing home (now 88 with parkinsons, strokes and dementia) she called me daily throwing tantrums until it made me ill. Changed my phone number and made it unlisted. She doesn't know my address either as in some fit of pique she'd likely call the cops on me - did that once 20 years ago when she wasn't looney tunes.

In essence I've gone into hiding. I pay her bills, ensure she has all she needs and visit occasionally, which is terribly stressful - an hour of bitching and complaining about anything and everything, me, me, me, I want, I want, I want, wah wah wah. I do and have done all I can bit I'm so totally done with the drama. I will never be totally free until she passes away.

I found that the simple act of sharing, like you have, has been helpful to me and others. And I too went through a "mourning period" of sorts when I just let my dad go, emotionally and mentally. I am now indifferent about him. I mourned the father I wanted him to be for so long, and now I accept him for not being a caring loving parent, but an abusive one. It was challenging at first, especially with my deciding to run my own life - ( when family comes to visit me and the aunt I care for I leave the house - " thanks for coming, I have errands to run.." I just drew a line. So thanks for sharing.

I think we people brought up by narcissists have empathy sickness. I feel sorry for my mother way too easily and she uses that vulnerability . If I acted the way she does, she'd tell me to snap out of it. She has no use for needy people, even if they are babies. Actually I think she is a lot closer to average, normal people than I am. I identify with vulnerable, hurting people way too much. Well, she acted pitiful and conned me into saying I'd visit her this summer. Of course that wasn't good enough and she wanted me to stay the whole summer which of course I can't. I'm the only one in the family who does visit her at all but that's just taken for granted. If I go, it will be miserable. Every ordinary little thing, like washing my hair and brushing my teeth, will be a battle. She doesn't do either much and doesn't think I need to either. When I get home, I just want a decent wash.

Movingup I hope you won't mind - I'm printing that answer and showing it to my nice SIL. It might have helped her make a more sensible decision when she was packing to go abroad and her mother wanted her to stop what she was doing, go over to her house and adjust the central heating timer by one hour.

"If I acted the way she does, she'd tell me to snap out of it." That's the thing. Straight out of Mrs Doasyouwouldbedoneby (you!) and - in your mother's case, with the rest of your family - Mrs Beyoudonebyasyoudid. Thank you.

Be my guest, Countrymouse.

My mother was talking last night about my brother and his son. The son hasn't shone any interest in dating or moving out of the house. He is 23 years old. My brother's health is not good, so my mother said the son could be his caregiver and support the family when needed. I told her that it wasn't his job to do that. She couldn't give up the notion that the one child would sacrifice and do it all for the family. I don't know where this type of thinking comes from. It didn't have anything to do with my brother's thoughts, but it told me much about her own.

BTW, I don't think my brother's son would mind if it ever did happen. He's that nice. But I also don't think my brother would let it happen. He's that steadfast. I'm sure things are probably arranged.

I just want to say that I am "with" all of you. We are rising to our "higher purpose". I am filled with so much anger most days; I live far away and am blessed to have two siblings who live closer to mom's AL facility. I, however, have poa and medical poa so I am the one who works behind the scenes with all medical orders, financial decisions and write all the checks, keep up her birthday card list etc.
She never protected me from my father who raped me when I was 7 and a stepfather who was emotionally abusive. I was told to never tell anyone, that they didn't "mean it".
Every day I just point toward 11:00 pm to get me through. I am blessed to be strong, have a family who loves me, have faith in my Higher Power, and have found this forum. I am so sorry you all are going through this too.

Anything so long as it didn't rock her boat, hey Patilee? Phewf. Big hug.

And "society" doesn't seem to mind that 32% of us die "in service" to our narcissists.
I can guarantee that we individually have more compassion than most of those who question us put together. The unmitigated gall of the wicked to crucify us for doing the right thing. The problem is that often these people are in positions of authority. May they reap what they sow.

I think most of this "guilting" is because who else would want to care for abusive elders? So make the victims suffer more and save the taxpayers a nickel. Have to think of ourselves too and refuse to cave.

Well for one thing, when there is a narcissistic person in your family, no one else knows about the problems because parents are always trying to maintain the image of the perfect family, so I am dealing with the fact that all the people who know my family, including neighbors, and people at their church think that the little 'problem child' is now having to look after parents and pay them back for the wonderful childhood that they gave her. They blame me for anything bad and some know that I had counseling ( which seems to automatically "prove" that you have a problem.) I know that in many ways my childhood was not horrible, but also that I was bullied and emotionally damaged and still trying to deal with it. I know people who will talk to my parents and siblings, but have nothing to say to me. I have also heard that I had been called names because I am so exhausted that I do not have time to socialize with some people. What I resent is how they seem more interested in me as a caregiver than as a child.
When you have surgery and your mom wants to know where your life insurance policy is, or when you get sick and she whines about ' who will look after us while you are sick?' then it really rubs you the wrong way thinking about all the stuff you are doing and you mean so little. I find that even others in the family, and not, seem to act like my opinion does not matter and that I am not worth even asking about. I feel like a ghost sometimes.
Sometimes I would just like to start over in a new town with completely new people who would accept or reject me on the basis of who I really am.

I agree Movingup although my mum is not a narc she does see me as THE ONE who cares more than the rest she knows ive a good heart and plays on it and im stupid enough to fall for it! Just like my men relationships i was TOO nice now im going to be a b*tch men like b*tchy women!! Nice guys with b*tchy women bad guys with nice women?? i get it!!