Should we tell our very conservative parents, both showing early signs of dementia, & in poor health that our oldest son has come out trans?

Continue to invite them (your trans child) home. Your parents will have to deal with it. There's no reason to remove a person from their family because someone else has a dissenting opinion.
Your child is still the same beloved grandchild as they were before, just in an altered outer package.
I assure you, your parents will be fine. Surprised? Amused? Confused? Who knows! Let it be what it will be. Stay calm and carry on.

I probably missed something here but could you not tell them AND keep inviting him home?

Or, do they HAVE to move in with you?

I know I’m late to the party here and I haven’t read through the responses, I can imagine there are strong varying views but I’m going to throw in anyway. This feels too important to me and can only imagine your dilemma here and how torn you are, I so admire you for even trying to think ahead and make everyone happy on this. You obviously love your child very much and your parents as well but boy are you stuck between generations!

My advice would be not to make a big announcement or deal out of it with your parents at all. I certainly wouldn’t make any moves to keep your child away from your home or them either. I don’t know the details of where he is in his journey but even out in the open and accepted I think his journey of transitioning or not will be along one, it isn’t something that just happens overnight and my instinct says let him be who he is and let your parents bring it up if the changes screen out at them. You never know they might adjust to each little change if it’s happening over time. It does sound like he is aware and wants to make this as easy as possible for them and for you, just as you do for him by the sounds of it so perhaps trying not to shock them or force the discussion is something he will be ok with. My guess is as long as you are being accepting supporting his change and discovery he won’t have the need to force feed or create confrontation. So maybe not dressing in drag for instance when he come over but if he’s growing his hair out, let it grow, if he’s painting his nails...maybe he can cope with your parents using the name you gave him at birth or a nickname you can start using more rather than a new name if that’s what he’s choosing. If he has been Scooter (my dad always called me that) all his life to some just use that around your house and if he is John and wants to become Jill, maybe “J”. I’m not advocating hiding anything from your parents just not making any deal out of it, let it develop organically and if they feel the need to bring it up, fine then you discuss it. It may very well be that instinct and self preservation will stop them from asking, elders can have a wonderful ability to live in their own little world, denial even and if you and your son can allow that (not force it by hiding and not force it by “coming out” with them) it might be easier than you fear.

Keep loving them all, your son and your parents for who they are and accepting them faults and all. After all we all have faults but learning to allow those around you to have theirs frees everyone up for enjoying the things we have in common or love about each other.

Wishing you an open, full and peaceful household.

I’m sorry but I feel that your son comes first .
Your parents will probably not realize the situation if the dementia is affecting them.
I could never forbid my children from my home because of a lifestyle that others my not accept.
Best to you

Dr Benshir, I agree with everything you said up until the remark you made about surgery. There is a big difference between someone being a lesbian and someone being transgender and having the surgery to become a boy, or transgender to become a girl. That is a big deal. A huge deal. The parents and grandparents have to grieve the child that they once were when they were born. You are grieving a child that is not what they were born, BUT you are embracing and loving and accepting your new child with the surgery and possibly even a name change. It is a lot. A lot of tears, but through it all, they are the same person. I know, I went through it with my “nephew”.

Dr benshir, I have to respectfully disagree with your statement of post surgery of trans and the high suicide rate, please talk them out of it. I believe it is the other way around. The suicide rate is high if they are NOT allowed to have surgery and become the gender they believe in their heart they are. When people don’t accept them for who they are and aren’t allowed the surgery, THAT is when the suicide rate is high. BEFORE the surgery, NOT after!

YES Lealonnie!! Absolutely right!! If you don't accept your child for who they are, you will LOSE them forever!! You hit the nail on the head!!! Absolutely right!

My niece is now my nephew. She is a transgender who identifies as a boy and married a girl who identifies as a queer who had a baby who is referred to as "THEY". All of them want to be referred to as "THEY". Not a boy, not a girl, but THEY. My niece was a lesbian for the first 40 years of her life and just recently referred to herself as a transgender. My brother had a hard time with it and said you will always be my daughter. Can I still refer to you as SHE? She told him YES. So when my brother and I are talking about the family we just say the GIRLS. The girls did this or the girls did that. My nephew doesn't look any different being a boy than she did a girl because she was always a tomboy since her teenage years. She referred to all of us as lesbian until very recently. We all accept her now being a boy but it is difficult to refer to her as a him. But referring to them as a THEY is even more difficult. I try to just call them by their name instead of THEY. My brother accepted her when she was a lesbian but finds it very difficult to accept her as a transgender. We are all human and we are all trying. Day by day it gets easier to accept people for who they are, not what we want them to be. When they explain to us why they want to be called something we need to respect their decision. Anyway, the moral of the story is we have to ask them what they want to be called and try to call them whatever it is they want to be called.

This is a bit late but it’s been nagging at me as I continue to follow this thread...

Its in reference to a post a while back that said something along the line of the son “enjoys wearing woman’s clothes”...

Just to clarify - there is a difference between being a Transgender and being a Transvestite.

“Definition of transvestite
: a person who wears clothes designed for the opposite sex : a cross-dresser
An older term for crossdresser is transvestite. Crossdressers often dress only in certain situations. They do not usually identify as transgender—most identify as straight men.” ~ Webster’s

“Definition of transgender
: of, relating to, or being a person whose gender identity differs from the sex the person had or was identified as having at birth
especially : of, relating to, or being a person whose gender identity is opposite the sex the person had or was identified as having at birth.”
~ Webster’s

I am friends with a couple - man and woman - who have been married about 30 years and have three lovely grown children. The husband is transvestite. There is nothing “effeminate” about him at all. The only reason I know is because his wife told me - and she also says he’s heterosexual - almost too heterosexual in fact, as he still chases her around the house as much as when they were first married.

Anyhoo - the emerging world of sexuality in the 21st century can be confusing. For instance “Queer” use to be an insult but now the word is embraced by the LGBTQ+ community.

Out of respect for my LGBTQ+ friends I endeavor to educate myself and get the terminology right.

Your parents might surprise you. They sound like my parents who were very small town and conservative. Once I mentioned I had met a man whose parents they knew, Dad said "Yes, Danny, he has AIDS doesn’t he?" You could have knocked me over with a feather! One, that he knew Danny was gay, Two that he said it so casually!

Foe many people being gay is an abstract, especially the older generations when it was all underground and never spoken of. So while your parents may condemn them as a whole, they can still love a single grandchild.

If you choose to bring your parents into your home and your son's transition becomes a topic I suggest you lay down some ground rules about what they can say or do. It's your house and you have the right to invite anyone into it without their permission.

Look forward 10-15 years, what is more important to you? Having placated your parents at the expense of a relationship with your son? Or being a part of his life for the rest of yours? Good luck, let us know how it goes.

It's admirable that your son is willing to deny his own identity to protect your parents from any emotional discomfort they might feel from being faced with having to confront their own ugly prejudices.

Imagine the emotional harm you will inflict upon your child by choosing to prioritize your parents' prejudices over standing up for him.

You would move people into your home who won't recognize your son as a valid and valued human being?

Countrymouse, we assume the son is a young adult since his grandparents are in their 80’s and the fact that the son’s mother said she won’t be able to invite him in her house for the holidays, etc. We assume he is a young adult living on his own.

If they love you, and your son, then, they love you and your son.. all of you are family. unconditional love.. If they loved grandson before, and they ask is something different about our grandson? Just say, no,, he is the same loving person whom you loved from the day he was born.
Then sit them in front of the tv and watch a few episodes of Modern Family. especially the holiday episodes. Then they may understand.
Perhaps, you don't need to say anything. Perhaps they may know already. perhaps, ...

Jesus Christ our savior and lord ACCEPTS and LOVES EVERYONE!!

Renoir, you are WRONG!! It is not up to US to take care of our parents!!! Spare us the GUILT TRIP!! It looks like Renoir’s other post regarding us taking care of our parents and thanking them got deleted. Thank goodness!!

I would not engage aged, early-dementia parents in a debate about their grandson. And it is normal for them to have such beliefs about LGBTQ, it is both generational and simply not everyone is accepting of it. That is their right. You can still invite him home for holidays. Perhaps less involvement between grandparents and grandson. Take it one holiday at a time, see how it goes. If worse comes to worse your son can simply say 'I'm sorry, I still love you both.' Not worth forcing the issue as you cannot force everyone to be accepting or to understand. Good luck

My answer to you is don't move your parents in with you. Your child no matter how old is a human being worthy of love. If you do move them in with you still let him come home for the holidays etc. No one should be excluded unless they are troublemakers. But my best advice is to not have the parents move in with you.

One of the reasons, in fact the MAIN reason, that Americans have become so accepting of gay marriage, gay employment protections, etc. is because most of us know a LGBTQ person now. When so many of our relatives, friends, colleague and neighbors whom we love came out, we realized they were the same people. It's easy to disparage gays if you think there are no gays in your life. It's hard to disparage gays when "they" are now "we", part of our family, work and community.

That said, it is your child's decision whether to come out to his grandparents, not yours.

Imho, the son has every right to be included in all family life. Why wouldn't he able to attend "home for the holidays" and other cherished family events? Perhaps they haven't noticed that society has changed (even though they are opinionated on it) or maybe they're too ill (sadly) to care. And I did see "that he is okay if he never sees them again." For the LOVE OF FAMILY, perhaps it should not be monumental.

Since both parents suffer dementia, a rational conversation is futile.  Reasoning is futile. Understanding has gone to the wind.

Their cognitive ability is steady diminishing. Their ability to comprehend has diminished. 

YOU may remember the conversation but they may not, so why bother. 

They may remember their grandchild.

They may or may not remember their grandchild’s visit, most likely they will not.

Their present moment doesn’t last long, everything is over with them while you may continue to be upset.

In the dementia world everything is just a fleeting moment.
They forget about our conversations so fast, it is amazing, I guess because we have the burden of remembering.

Don’t worry about it.

I’m just raising a ‘does it matter’ question. Some trans females want to make it very obvious – high heels, short skirts, the full bit. I heard a heartbreaking radio program about a woman whose husband had transitioned, and was adamant about dressing like a fashion model. Their daughters asked if s/he could come to school functions in jeans, a sweater and flats, perfectly normal female wear, but s/he insisted on ‘my right’ to be a 6 foot beefy female. If your child is OK about gender neutral wear, and hair in a pony tail, your own parents may never notice if you don’t ram it down their throats.

I’ve just finished reading the autobiography of John Mortimer (Rumpole of the Bailey author). His father famously became completely blind, but this was never never acknowledged out loud in the family or outside it. If they could do it successfully for years, perhaps your family could manage too.

Only you can know or think how your parents might react, but they might surprise you.
I can speak from experience, having a trans son (M2F). My mom, who is a devout Christian, loves him just as much before she knew that he was trans. The way she sees it, he is her grandson and while she does not have to condone or accept his lifestyle (which to him, acceptance of his lifestyle equals acceptance and love of him), she loves him unconditionally. This is a huge turnaround from when I was growing up- she would throw a huge fit at me when I'd have my long-haired male friends over!!
Her stance is she has turned it over to the Lord and all she can do is pray (which is my stance as well with a little preaching thrown in lol). She does sometimes ask him questions or say some things to him in love. She is 81 and starting to have memory issues, so my son lets anything she says roll off his back- he chalks it up to her being old. Her mobility is also very very bad, so most days, my mom's only focus is just surviving and she doesn't concentrate on much else.
This is in contrast to my husband, who is not a Christian, but completely opposed to the LGTBQ lifestyle and lets it affect his relationship with our son.
I hope this helps you in some way. I wish you the best!

Well it has been my experience that this news will only distress them. Of all the things they forget this item they will fixate on. Its a need to know basis and they don't need to know. Don't push your son away whatever you decide. Invite him and make him welcome. If you choose to move the parents (would not be a good idea for me) in they may or may not be aware. Insist they treat your son with love and respect or they can live elsewhere.

I've obviously missed something - how does everyone seem to know how old the trans child is?

I suggest carving out a genuinely special holiday occasion for the entire family that is accepting of your trans-son, which obviously excludes your parents (if finances are at all available, rent a short-term vacation rental for 3 nights in a nice local/accessible location, for instance [a 'Staycation'].) There is zero reason the folks need ever know of this 'side event'. I hope this isn't too harsh, but your son is just embarking on his life [regardless of their age], and the folks, well, I'd say keep them comfortable, let them know they're secure, they're still a part of YOUR lives, etc. Honestly, what they don't know will not hurt them. First, do no harm--and in this case, that applies to everyone in your family. God bless : )

There are two problems here.

1. Moving your parents in with you will cause a lot of heartache and problems. If they are so strict and old school, your whole life will change to accommodate them. Plus, it is an error to move parents in, period.

2. How can you even think of moving your parents into your house and making your son stay away?? What are you thinking! Good way to hurt your child. Make him feel unwelcome! Nice move Mom. Unbelievable!

Maybe you should consider putting your parents in an independent living facility or even an assisted living. it would be a much more livable arrangement first being among their own kind and age group and second not being so close to this situation.

Do your parents have a pastor? If you believe that your parent's "conservative" beliefs are religious based and they hold their pastor in high regard, then it may be time to ask for pastoral care.

As you implied, most holiday traditions are to gather family to remember or celebrate. A little word play, but at the root of conservative is conserve. One could argue that conserving family unity is conservative.

I knew many trans people back in the 1970's. It is a very hard path to live full time. There are some men who live as a man and at other times as a trans woman. I hope your son doesn't do anything surgical at a young age. I think it is fine to experiment when young but in the past many trans people had very unhappy lives often ending in suicide. My personal opinion is to experiment in a playful manner. I would have him see them as the young man they knew and maybe other visits he could be introduced as his new self with his new name. Would they see who this person is or was? Whatever their reaction should not matter too much to him. It might be educational for him. Trans people risk bad reactions at any time.

Being a very conservative parent, my oldest son, now in his late 30's, invited me out to lunch on my birthday to lay the news on me that he was gay and paired up with a guy about 10 years older than me. Both of my parents were already deceased but I had three children under 10 with my current wife. He wanted to tell his half brothers the news. I told him my wife and I get to tell them about his lifestyle when we deem they are old enough to handle the situation. We told the two oldest when they were in their late teens, we have one who just entered her teens, and we choose to wait a couple of more years to fill her in on the info shared with her older brothers.

I told my oldest he could visit our home as long as he and his friend were not showing intimate affection for each other they could visit. A few years ago at Christmas time we met my oldest and his friend for dinner, not one minute after they arrived they started with the honey this and that making our youngest who was 9 at the time wonder what was going on with the honey this and that. She'd forgotten all about it by the time we got home. Later I called my oldest and told him, he lost my confidence and respect for his behavior in front of such a small child with special needs. We still talk on the phone but I've told him I can no longer travel and if he came to visit again, he'd have to come to our house alone. He is an alcoholic and abuses several of the more exotic drugs, yes I love him but I have to look out for my youngest who is 26 years younger than he is. My wife and I will judge when she will be told about his lifestyle.
I was diagnosed with early onset ALZ four years ago, and I am declining. Many readers won't like my position, but my wife and I devoutly practice our faith. We all must do what is best for our family, We are responsible for our family, nobody else's. I wish you all the best.