Should we tell our very conservative parents, both showing early signs of dementia, & in poor health that our oldest son has come out trans?

Tell us why you think it's a good idea to move your parents in with you, especially if it means that you can't invite your son into your home?

Aren't your priorities to care for and have a relationship with your children? Don't your parents have a care plan for their old age?

They have had a lifetime to plan for their old age? Why do they think that YOU are the plan?

I agree with BarbBrooklyn. Why move people into your home when your own son will no longer be welcome there as a result?????????? THAT is the sad part, to me, that you'd be willing to sacrifice having your son spend holidays with you in lieu of pacifying in laws or parents belief systems instead? Love should prevail over everything, meaning they either accept their grandson AS IS or they move elsewhere. And that means nobody is tortured over his decisions as well, meaning no ongoing discussions on the subject are welcome.

I third the opinion of Barb and Lealonnie.
This is your much loved son. It is absolutely ADMIRABLE that he wishes to cause them no harm, but there isn't a reason in the world he should not be welcome in his/your home for a holiday. Your son gets my hero badge of the day.
Getting old is no excuse for being intolerant. Yes, we become set in our ways, but that doesn't make it OK. Never "co" intolerance and ignorance, no matter what age or mentation carries it into your life.

I just want to tell you that my MIL, who suffered from dementia, WELCOMED her grandchild who came out as trans when she was 79. She was not a liberal person by ANY stretch of the imagination. But this was her grandchild. Your parents might surprise you.

Does your son want you to tell them? Or does he wish to tell them himself? I'm asking because we are in a somewhat similar situation. My son has not told my "old world" mother -- yet -- but does not want me to break it to her, either. It is his information to tell, when he is ready to tell it. Just make sure he's on board with it.

Don’t move your parents in with you!!! It is up to your son if he wasn’t to tell them or not. It’s not up to you. We went through this with my mother. My niece is transgender and SHE told my mother. My mother was fine with it. My own son is gay, but he has chosen NOT to tell her. My niece was never close to my mother but my son is very close to her and he just thought it was best if he didn’t tell her. She doesn’t live with me either. She lives alone. If your parents are unable to live by themselves, please have them go into a facility.

I have so many thoughts and questions regarding your post.

If you don’t mind answering...

When you say your son is transgender- do you mean the traditional definition of - he was born male but feels “mis-assigned” and identifies as a woman?

Has he told you if his intentions are to transition to female? Is planning sex reassignment in the future?

Are you prepared to accept his identity as female, thus referring to your child as a daughter rather than a son? Is it his wish that you do so?

How old is your son?

I ask these questions as I think how you accept his transgender is critical to how you might expect his grandparents to accept it. But, above all - I think it’s important to know and consider what your sons expectations and wishes are.

Because -
I have a lot of friends - as well as a stepdaughter- who are LGBTQ+. Probably more than I do “straight”.
I feel safe and certain in saying that no matter what they might initially say - “I don’t care what ____ thinks” that they do in fact, care. And, what’s more - they long for the support and unconditional love of their family. Especially, their parents.

Something to consider when thinking about moving your parents in and therefore moving your now daughter out via exclusion rather than inclusion on holidays and family events. Even if she says it’s okay - that it doesn’t matter. Cause, trust me - it does.

I would put your son first as it should be! You son sounds like a sweet man, so sad. I was close friends with a Christian family and wondered why their son was not welcomed in their home, it was not the mother, but the fathers doings. He had nothing to do with him. I felt so bad, the son was a really nice person. Can you imagine how your son feels being excluded from the family. I would rethink about your parents moving in and give your son the support he needs from his mother. Wishing you the best.

My brothers daughter is gay, I was told by my brother when she turned 17. I was not surprised because I suspected it at an early age. My whole family accepted it, did not change our relationship with her. My mother was told and welcomed her into our home with no problem. She used to visit frequently and we did not treat her any different. I think she was surprised with the acceptance as we are a very conservative family.

For those highly opinionated against LGBTQ, what better way to effect change than when it's a family member. Your son's wishes may change and his decision to see or not see his grandparents should be honored. I applaud your acceptance as parents. Wouldn't it be great if you set the example. The cognitive dissonance may or may not be part of the adjustment process.

Wishing courage to your entire family.

This thread is wonderful. It shows that our world is definitely changing for the better. My much beloved bro, a gay man, died at 85 in May. He saw so many changes in his life, from a time when as a young man he had to hide along with many of his friends or risk injury, to seeing a gay man run in the Democratic primary to be President. He was so glad to have seen that change, and been a part of it. This entire thread with all the support so heartens me. I once had a patient of mine refuse a nurse because of her ethnicity. I ended up crying in the hall. And an old Irish Nurse came up to me and said "Hon, things change one coffin at a time". I never got over that. We are going forward, and I believe with all my heart the arc swings so slowly, but it swings toward justice.

Ask yourself how your parents would respond.  If positively, then you might share the information with them.   But since you indicate they're highly opinionated, I see no value in causing either them or your son heartache.   

Put another way, what would be the purpose of telling them?  How would it affect their lives?   I think between cardiac and stroke issues, they have enough to worry about.

GardenArtist -

“But it is so sad as they will be moving in with us, which means we won’t be able to invite him home for holidays, etc.”

Did you miss this part? That if they do not tell the grandparents - that once they move in the son will no longer be invited into the home again for holidays and the like?
Or shouldn’t that matter?

There is something that I recall about relationships. Not absolutely sure it is correct, but here it is as I understand the concept:
I think it is that your parents have a relationship with their grandson, it is between them, whatever he wants to say to them, whatever he wants to share or not.

You said: " But it is so sad as they will be moving in with us, which means we won’t be able to invite him home for holidays, etc."
Your conclusion is skewed a bit. I understand you are in the middle. But bow out of the middle, and always invite whomever you want to your home. It is your home. Make sure it stays that way.
imo.

Why tell your parents anything? They might not even notice or comprehend the changes. At 87 years old, this will be difficult for them to comprehend, I would never exclude my child because of the parents.... but maybe this won’t even be an issue.

You're a better daughter than me. If I had to choose between my mom - health be damned - and my kids, my kids win every time, hands down.
It's your house. You get to invite whom you want to invite. If your parents balk, they have a choice - they can move out.
But - don't be surprised if they surprise you with an attitude adjustment. It's easy to "disapprove" of LGBTQ people when they're faceless, nameless people. Harder to do so when you find it's someone you love dearly.
It is very sweet of your son to be so concerned about his grandparents. Should they find out and give you grief about his decisions, I would lay it on thick and tell them about his concern for their health. Every once in a while we (the caregivers) can use guilt to get what we want, too!

I agree, I would rethink that move. Its hard enough caring for one person let alone two. And alienating a son in the process? Once you separate from your parents, it very hard living with them again. Those things we excepted in our parents as a child/young person drive us nuts when you have to live with it day in and day out. My Dad was not an easy man to live with. We all loved him but it was me he could push buttons. I swore if Mom went first, I would not be caring for him. My Mom spoiled him and I wasn't about to carry that on. My DH is far from spoiled.

Yes, we have become more tolerant to the LGBT community (I hate what the Q stands for) but there still is prejudice out there. My cousin lives in Cal and there has been some beatings of Gays, which he is one of.

Do. Not. Exclude. Your. Son.

Never.

If your parents freak out at the sight of your son, they don’t need to be living with you.

Your child has an absolute right to the love of his parents. PLEASE don’t abandon your son.

If they are to be told, it is SHE who has absolute rights over the communication. If SHE loves her grandparents and THEY love HER, IT WILL WORK ITSELF OUT.

SHE deserves to enjoy holidays with HER family if SHE wishes, and if Mama and Papa are too offended by her visits, THEY should be dining on trays in their room(s) while the rest of the family enjoys celebrating together.

AND, their physical health is not sufficient as an excuse for creating a gulf in their family, AND- YES, they MAY surprise you all out of love for their GRANDCHILD!!!

There is just so much that upsets me about your concerns. First I hope that your son has transitioned from female to male, not that he WAS a male and now presents as female, otherwise you are refusing to use the appropriate gender references. That leads to my second issue is that he seems to have much more care and concern for his family that you seem to have for him. If it really was a matter of he and his grandparents are not close and he's likely to never see them again then I still think it is wrong to hide but can see why people might think that they can just ignore this. BUT you are willing to give up your son! Now he is in the position of not only making a new life in his new gender but without the love and support of his family! Can you imagine how abandoned he must feel? Are there other family members that will also need to be in on this charade? Is everyone to be kept in the dark? Will you continue to refer to him by his pre-transition name and gender during all family discussions? When/how will he be included in family activities? or are you cutting him off entirely?

I don't know if his grandparents will or will not learn to accept your son in his new gender. I would hope so. But I certainly don't think that you can have them live with you unless you let them know his gender presentation, and that you fully support his transition and that he will be a full part of the family and that you will not accept or listen to rants or criticisms of his life. I think you need far more help and counseling to help you understand what you are doing to your son that we can provide here. I hope you visit the site PFLAG.org which provides support for parents and families of LGBTQ people. They have local chapters and a form where you might be able to get better insights on what you are actually suggesting.

They haven't moved in yet! There's still time to change the plan. How about near you instead of inside your home? Your son should feel comfortable there and be able to come to visit his parents any time without worry. Caring for our parents is already laden with guilt, regrets and frustrations, and you just might be causing guilt, regrets and frustrations when it comes to your child too. You are all beginning new chapters in life, ALL of you. This is a time EVERYONE needs support, understanding and an acceptance for what each individual's needs are. I feel it would be a sad situation that all 4 of you are starting your new chapters with an emotional deficit (for lack of a better way to put it)...I just mean with emotional support missing, less than could be available, and less than they all deserve.

No, you should let your child have this conversation with your parents, should it arise. [As I too am not sure whether we're talking about son to daughter or vice versa, and what stage the transition has reached, I'll try to avoid genders]

You set your parents an example by demonstrating that your child remains your child and remains the person s/he always was, and you do that by continuing your relationship without alteration, include holiday invitations.

If you want your parents to take this change in their stride, you won't assist that by treating them as though they will die of shock on hearing the news.

In my experience, people who are highly opinionated about such matters in theory often find that their feelings are very different when they encounter the same matter in the particular. For one thing, they are forced to examine their opinions in relation to someone they actually know something about and don't want to dismiss. They may still react negatively. That is something which, again, they and your child must sort out between them. It's not your responsibility or your right to tell anyone involved what to think; although you are of course free to lay down ground rules in your home about what is and is not acceptable treatment of any person living or staying in it. How did this child get on with your parents before? - were they close?

I remember well my sister's dread of my father's "discovering" that my nephew is gay. My father died before Lovely Nephew was old enough to have significant others so the issue was never aired; but I had two thoughts that I kept to myself. 1. That it was blindingly obvious that LN was gay and I didn't believe it could have escaped our dad's notice. 2. That she ought to have known that mouthy as he was on all sorts of socio-political questions, it was all talk, and when it came to any individual he invariably took them as he found them. If LN had been born ten years earlier and had entered into a [then] civil partnership, his grandfather would have gone to the ceremony. I'd have put money it.

So. Don't melodramatise the situation and don't shut it out of your home. You love *all* of these people, don't forget, but it's not for you to referee their relationships with one another.

If both parents move in with you, your son being trans will be the LEAST of anybody’s problems. If both your parents move in with you, get ready for daily stess of caregiving and constant bickering and constant demanding of not one, but BOTH your parents. I hope your marriage will survive both parents living with you day in and day out with no escape.

Tell them in support of your son. Their judgement is their problem.

Just, no.

Instead son should be prepared if grandparents say something inappropriate. Grands will lose their filters and are bound to say anything.

Maybe this is hard for you to accept? Thus, son is no longer welcome in your home with grandparents as the reason?

Maybe you should all have a get together before your parents move in. (You , parents, son, whoever else in the immediate family that needs to be there). All you gotta do is feed everyone and have a nice get together. Son should come as he wishes.

You should not have your parents move in with you if it would result in ostracizing your son. That's one of the sickest things I've ever heard.

Nursing homes/Assisted Living exist for a reason. Children come first.

Your son says that he doesn’t want to cause them harm - but it is your son that is really the one being harmed. He now has to carry that additional shame and cannot be invited home for holidays and family gatherings? Do not ask your son to make this sacrifice. Do not exclude him from your life because of their bigotry.

No.

Let it be..if parents ask question you can address. If your parents are in poor health, your son will not be their focus. Stay close as a family..you will need all their support to care for your parents. Take care of yourself too!!