Should we tell our very conservative parents, both showing early signs of dementia, & in poor health that our oldest son has come out trans?

Tell us why you think it's a good idea to move your parents in with you, especially if it means that you can't invite your son into your home?

Aren't your priorities to care for and have a relationship with your children? Don't your parents have a care plan for their old age?

They have had a lifetime to plan for their old age? Why do they think that YOU are the plan?

Do. Not. Exclude. Your. Son.

Never.

If your parents freak out at the sight of your son, they don’t need to be living with you.

I agree with BarbBrooklyn. Why move people into your home when your own son will no longer be welcome there as a result?????????? THAT is the sad part, to me, that you'd be willing to sacrifice having your son spend holidays with you in lieu of pacifying in laws or parents belief systems instead? Love should prevail over everything, meaning they either accept their grandson AS IS or they move elsewhere. And that means nobody is tortured over his decisions as well, meaning no ongoing discussions on the subject are welcome.

I have so many thoughts and questions regarding your post.

If you don’t mind answering...

When you say your son is transgender- do you mean the traditional definition of - he was born male but feels “mis-assigned” and identifies as a woman?

Has he told you if his intentions are to transition to female? Is planning sex reassignment in the future?

Are you prepared to accept his identity as female, thus referring to your child as a daughter rather than a son? Is it his wish that you do so?

How old is your son?

I ask these questions as I think how you accept his transgender is critical to how you might expect his grandparents to accept it. But, above all - I think it’s important to know and consider what your sons expectations and wishes are.

Because -
I have a lot of friends - as well as a stepdaughter- who are LGBTQ+. Probably more than I do “straight”.
I feel safe and certain in saying that no matter what they might initially say - “I don’t care what ____ thinks” that they do in fact, care. And, what’s more - they long for the support and unconditional love of their family. Especially, their parents.

Something to consider when thinking about moving your parents in and therefore moving your now daughter out via exclusion rather than inclusion on holidays and family events. Even if she says it’s okay - that it doesn’t matter. Cause, trust me - it does.

If both parents move in with you, your son being trans will be the LEAST of anybody’s problems. If both your parents move in with you, get ready for daily stess of caregiving and constant bickering and constant demanding of not one, but BOTH your parents. I hope your marriage will survive both parents living with you day in and day out with no escape.

Again, shame on all unkind and rude people. i am 86, very opinionated and a very committed born again believer in Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord. I would never accost anyone whether in my home or anywhere and try to force my bliefs upon him or her. i would never criticize someone who would choose to dress inappropriately. I would ignore such things and treat therm with polite loving kindness always. They should treat me the same way. It would be very bigoted and unkind for me to attack anyone verbally or otherwise for their beliefs. I am not a bigot. I treat everyone equally. LGBT people who are willing to accept lovingly everyone just as I do are also not bigots. Only those who treat people of a different lifestyle rudely are bigots.

I third the opinion of Barb and Lealonnie.
This is your much loved son. It is absolutely ADMIRABLE that he wishes to cause them no harm, but there isn't a reason in the world he should not be welcome in his/your home for a holiday. Your son gets my hero badge of the day.
Getting old is no excuse for being intolerant. Yes, we become set in our ways, but that doesn't make it OK. Never "co" intolerance and ignorance, no matter what age or mentation carries it into your life.

I just want to tell you that my MIL, who suffered from dementia, WELCOMED her grandchild who came out as trans when she was 79. She was not a liberal person by ANY stretch of the imagination. But this was her grandchild. Your parents might surprise you.

No, you should let your child have this conversation with your parents, should it arise. [As I too am not sure whether we're talking about son to daughter or vice versa, and what stage the transition has reached, I'll try to avoid genders]

You set your parents an example by demonstrating that your child remains your child and remains the person s/he always was, and you do that by continuing your relationship without alteration, include holiday invitations.

If you want your parents to take this change in their stride, you won't assist that by treating them as though they will die of shock on hearing the news.

In my experience, people who are highly opinionated about such matters in theory often find that their feelings are very different when they encounter the same matter in the particular. For one thing, they are forced to examine their opinions in relation to someone they actually know something about and don't want to dismiss. They may still react negatively. That is something which, again, they and your child must sort out between them. It's not your responsibility or your right to tell anyone involved what to think; although you are of course free to lay down ground rules in your home about what is and is not acceptable treatment of any person living or staying in it. How did this child get on with your parents before? - were they close?

I remember well my sister's dread of my father's "discovering" that my nephew is gay. My father died before Lovely Nephew was old enough to have significant others so the issue was never aired; but I had two thoughts that I kept to myself. 1. That it was blindingly obvious that LN was gay and I didn't believe it could have escaped our dad's notice. 2. That she ought to have known that mouthy as he was on all sorts of socio-political questions, it was all talk, and when it came to any individual he invariably took them as he found them. If LN had been born ten years earlier and had entered into a [then] civil partnership, his grandfather would have gone to the ceremony. I'd have put money it.

So. Don't melodramatise the situation and don't shut it out of your home. You love *all* of these people, don't forget, but it's not for you to referee their relationships with one another.

Tell your parents. Your son should not have to hide who he is around anyone, especially his grandparents. If they don't accept him, they should not be in your home. Your son is your first priority, and in this crazy, mixed-up, hateful world he needs all the support he can get.