Should we tell our very conservative parents, both showing early signs of dementia, & in poor health that our oldest son has come out trans?

My niece came out as a lesbian at a family gathering about a year and a half ago. My mother was present. She is hard of hearing, 91 at that time, and missed most of the conversation. When I explained it to her later she understood and had no reaction whatsoever. This is her granddaughter, and that relationship doesn't change with who she is dating. That is the point you need to make to your parents, after your son says whatever he choses to say about himself. How he dresses, who he dates, his intimacies, make no difference in the relationship he has with his family. If he has reassignment surgery it will become an issue but not until then. (FYI if he is considering that, look at the suicide rates for post-surgical trans and try to talk him out of it.)

The telling is not yours to do. Honor you sons wishes and don’t tell them, as for not being able to invite him to functions at your home because your parents are moving in, that’s hogwash. In a sense it is his home also, if your parents are stepping into dementia there will come a time when they aren’t going to remember him at all so meeting her will be someone new, who they won’t remember later. I guess what I am trying to say is don’t make a huge deal of it. When your son comes for functions don’t make a big deal out of him transitioning, just introduce her by the name she has chosen. Have a talk with him to see if this is something that will be comfortable for him.

To what end? In the first place, as much as you love your parents, the fact that they’re both having signs of dementia is a huge red flag in deciding to care for them yourself in your home. From a safety standpoint for them and a mental health standpoint for you. I’m not a professional in this field, but I had a mom (rest her soul) who needed 24 hour care - just for the sake of bathroom trips in the middle of the night, which often resulted in fall events until her memory care center installed mats by her bed that alerted them to come to her room and assist her to the restroom.
Another reason is because they sometimes wander off. (And could stray from your home if you’re not there). Or could do what my mom would do before she moved there and set her TV dinner for 60 minutes instead of 6 minutes and 3 times the fire department had to come out. The disease progressed rapidly. For so many reasons including your son’s inability to feel comfortable in his own home, don’t have them live with you if you can avoid it. And if anyone should tell them about his lifestyle, it should be him when he is ready, if ever. He shouldn’t be unwelcomed in his own home and scoffed at by those that should love him unconditionally. I know it’s easier said than done, but I say find an assisted living a mile away from you and visit them everyday if you must, but let your son be allowed to come home.

I am taken aback and saddened by many of the responses here. Many are so quick to judge, label and name call your parents. You have expressed what you believe to be their views and they have become the "enemy!" And, sadly, they have not even been given the opportunity to be a part of this. This is a very disturbing trend in our society. We are so quick to "accept" some but to condemn others. Without ALL parties even being able to express themselves.
That being said, please slow down. You have a lot to consider.
I admire you for being willing to accept your parents into your home. With a well thought plan, this can be very beneficial for ALL generations. I personally know of many families who have gone this route and it works. Are there snags along the way? Of course. Aren't there snags when two people marry and move in together? When children come along? But, with the desire to live peaceably, these snags become the strength of the relationships.
Your child will decide which path to take. Perhaps at this juncture, it is easier to say no, I won't be visiting, because it is difficult to be around family. As the comfort comes with settling into a new gender, so will the ability to be comfortable with those who knew the old gender. Acceptance needs to be shared on both sides of this.
The most important aspect of this, for me is, learn to accept each other. You can only do this by allowing every person to have their beliefs and know you may differ. That's the way we are made! This doesn't need to cause divisiveness. Love the person doesn't mean, everything about them. You love your parents, but you may not love everything about them. You love your child as well, but you may not have loved everything, especially if there was teen rebellion along the way!
I close in sharing a situation I am personally close to. Friends share a home with his 97 yr old mother and their grown son. Three generations. Yes, g-mother is "very conservative." A couple of years ago, a great-granddaughter (mom is not one under this roof) entered a relationship with a trans gender. It was a shock to many family members. But they all shared their feelings, loving each other through it. With time, all 4 generations have a good relationship. G-g-mother has visited the home of her g-g-daughter and is very happy to be with her and her mate. Everyone is allowed to have their own feelings. They don't need to embrace others "lifestyle" as their own. They love and accept.
Please be kind to each other. Set your boundaries, but do so with love.

So he likes to dress as a woman. Maybe he can tone it down a bit when he sees his grandparents. Not saying to hide his preference but to also be considerate of them. They are used to seeing him in slacks and shirts and plenty of women wear those. If he needs to come out to them, then he bears that responsibility not you. My daughter is bi-curious but doesn't share a bunch with me since I believe whatever you do in the bedroom is between you, your spouse, and God.

No. The telling is for your son to do or not to do. I agree with others that you should always side by your son. Do not abandon him or betray him. I also agree that opinionated people will mouth off about this or that but when it comes to their own family, most will be very accepting. Most not all. If my parents did not accept my child as they are, I would say “well, there’s the door.” My mother has been, in the past, very vocally against gay marriage. But when her gay cousin got married, she went to the ceremony and signed the marriage certificate because she loved her cousin. Just love each other.

Given what you've indicated about your parents, why on earth would you tell them about your son? I think you should let your son's words speak for the situation -- his feelings are the most important here, don't you agree?

I would never be able to tell my child they could not visit me or come home for the holidays.  If you aren't your son's safe haven of unconditional love...who is?

You know your parents and if you think that they can't handle the conversation, then don't initiate it.  When your son visits, If your parents ask questions, answer them.  You don't need to get too far into the weeds with it, but answer them truthfully.

It's not only the holidays if they will be living with you. You may not be able to invite your child to your house at all. How would you and your child feel about introducing hir with hir new name and identity as a different person? You don't have to go into details about the relationship.

I completely agree with Jamesj, DrBenshir and othes with similar advice. It's your family, you love them all and you should continue to do so without compromise.

No, don’t confuse them any more than they already are with their dementia. Your son can just continue to come to visit and they may ‘think something is a little different but just make something up and explain to your son that they are not well now and elderly and don’t make a big deal out of it. If your son is mature, he will go along with it for his grandparents and be sweet about it. You all will not have them around long so why get into complicated subjects with them. They struggle enough. Your son has a plan and solution for his happiness and a long life to live. They probably won’t think much about it because they are in survival mode. Let it slide by them. I am sure your son can handle that if he just smiles and rolls with it for “grands”. 😊

So basically, you are putting your parents before your own child! You cannot invite your son for holidays? Wow!! You are allowing 2 demented, bigoted people to run your life. If I was your son, I'd never want to visit you again. Then perhaps you are looking for an excuse not to have him home?

There are some biiig issues here, and I'm not even talking about acceptance and tolerance of gender decisions. One of the biggest is dementia. Are you sure about moving two people with poor health and dementia into your home? Do you not like sleeping, showering, reading, watching television, or listening to silence? Do you miss raising infants? Imagine raising infant twins. I hope you have professional help, either aides or a therapist you can visit. Even if your parents don't freak out completely at your son's news the first time they hear it, they might the second or third or fourth. My mother became very liberal late in her life, but as her Alzheimer's progressed she sounded more like her mean and frankly rather racist mother every day. It was scary to watch. Are you sure you can handle losing your son AND losing any respect you have for your parents too? If you both absolutely insist on becoming 24-hour-a-day nurses to two people ( it will take 2, plus money to live on) don't tell them. Soon you can introduce your son as someone else anyway, and yourselves, repeatedly.

I agree with everyone here. Son's grandparents should not be told at this stage of dementia which sounds like it is early stage. Grandson should remember all the nice times he had with grandparents since toddler stage, if in fact he did. He will miss that. And yes, many women never wear dresses these days, pants more comfortable, tees are more comfortable. Grandparents don't need to know every detail of your son's life. Doesn't have to wear makeup for a few hours won't hurt, I rarely wear it at my advanced age, but many times my husband liked me without. So a few hours. Let him enjoy his grandparents, advise him to tone it down a little for the time he is with them. To me, God made us the way we are, who are we to judge His work? Your son is His work.

My mother moved in with us 3 years ago. At 86 she's from the generation that tends to be bigoted and opinionated and throughout my life she was (in private, she'd never be so impolite in public....). My daughter's partner (and caregiver) moved in the year before. My daughter is nonbinary and her partner is transgender. They live in the basement bedroom. We weren't certain how my mom would react, but for the most part (other than a few incidents of confusion on her part) she's been perfectly fine with it (and "S" hasn't transitioned so half the time you'd never notice). We had a conversation about it (a few actually, but she has dementia), answered my mom's questions, and that was pretty much that. I love my mother, but I would never allow her to dictate my child's life or mine. No one can force your parents to accept your son being transgender, but it's important they understand that they don't get to make the rules in your house and re expected to respect your rules, your family, your child.

Personally I don't understand the need to announce anything. Do those who are not LGBT announce this? Any other personal issues announced? What is the purpose?

I agree with many others that your shouldn't be shutting your child out of your life because the trans *might* upset the parents. Given statistics, conditions and ages, you child is likely to be around a lot longer than the parents - maintain a GOOD relationship with this child and that means including them in your life NOW as well as in the future after the parents have passed on.

I also agree with the others in that caring for one person with many needs can be very difficult, challenging and sometimes disastrous - make that 2 people with many needs, my sympathy to you in advance!!!

Should you choose to still take them in, all the best to you, but this is YOUR child we are talking about. If said child were wildly liberal, would that be a problem with these ultra conservative parents? If said child took on a profession that was objectionable to the parents, would that be a problem? If said child were participating in all the protests, would that be a problem with the parents? If the child took up some other religion that was anathema to the parents' religion, would that be an issue? Honestly this is really no different. It isn't ANYONE'S business what someone else is doing in and with their life. They are a person, just like the rest of us and should be treated with respect no matter what .

Sure, the child's visible look may change, but if the parents don't ask, why stir the pot? There really isn't a NEED to tell them anything. If your child WANTS to tell them, so be it, that is your child's business. Again, I don't see the point in "announcing" it to them or anyone, really. One doesn't need to hide it, but one doesn't need to flaunt it either. It is what it is and doesn't need to be plastered everywhere. It is a personal issue.

BUT, that child should still be welcome in YOUR home, no matter what the parents think or say. IF they are told and/or figure it out and make a stink, you need to correct them - they are living in YOUR house under YOUR rules. They don't like it, they can stay in their room or MOVE. It is YOUR home, YOUR child, YOUR call.

Shame on anyone mean enough and unkind enough to call someone bigoted if they disagree with you on moral issues. I do not cal "trans people nor any "LGBT people bigoted; not unless they try to force me to believe as they do. We should all try to be kind, loving , and forgiving and especially so in families. Those who do not believe LGBT ideas are right ahould not be insulted for their beliefs,.LGBT people also should not be insulted as long as they do not try to force others to believe as they do.People are bigoted only if they treat rudely and or insult those who disagree with them.We should all love and accept each other and never ever try to rudelt insidt they agree with us on anything especially moral issues. i will always treat everyone politely and kindly especially family members. They should treat me the same way. i would never ever try to force anyone to believe as i do. I would never insult them if they politely disagree with me. i would also never insult anyone who begins to dres s inappropriately for their gender. I would ignore such things unlessrudely accosted and asked to state my beliefs. we should all strive with all our might to live peacefully and lovingly if at all allowed to do so. May God have mercy!

Again, shame on all unkind and rude people. i am 86, very opinionated and a very committed born again believer in Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord. I would never accost anyone whether in my home or anywhere and try to force my bliefs upon him or her. i would never criticize someone who would choose to dress inappropriately. I would ignore such things and treat therm with polite loving kindness always. They should treat me the same way. It would be very bigoted and unkind for me to attack anyone verbally or otherwise for their beliefs. I am not a bigot. I treat everyone equally. LGBT people who are willing to accept lovingly everyone just as I do are also not bigots. Only those who treat people of a different lifestyle rudely are bigots.

I think your parents should be told.

They may surprise you.

Parents are stringer than you think.

They might even have an idea about their Grandson already.

If they don't want to continue seeing their Grandson then that's their loss and your Grandson's.

Tell them as it's better coming from you then hearing about it from strangers.

I failed to address the even much more important issue here because I was so heartbroken over the insults and meanness. Most times, bringing demented peopl of any age into one"s home to try to be their caregiver is a big mistake. There are rare exceptions. I have seen one very happy amicable arrangement with a loving family bringing elderlty demented grandparents into their home. However, usually, this kind of arrangement turns out badly. It is usually best to seek out carefully very excellent seniorhousing nd or assisted liveing in a facility near your home so you can visit at least weekly.Caring for demented loved ones of any age in your home does notusually turn out well.There are wonderful rare exceptions. However, be careful about deciding to take on permanently such a heavy responsibility.

You already know their mindset on this and other issues. Your son is understanding . . . up to a point. Talk with him again: Your parents have health issues and he knows how they feel about the issue (probably more about not understanding the issue never being around gay or trans people). If he doesn't want to cause unnecessary emotional or mental harm, is there a way he can see them up to the end as the man they knew. To say he is okay with never seeing them again also means he will be cutting himself off from you. Perhaps there is a happy middle ground that can be met. Hard subject and with them moving in, it will be really tough for you and for him because of their past comments.

If the parents don't have really bad dementia issues, you might try talking with them about your son. They could surprise you by saying they already knew something. They loved him before and he loved them, they may be ok with it and never say a word to hurt his feelings. Find a way to approach the subject just to see how it goes in regard to their own grandson. There is every chance that past comments they have made are not the way they feel about him.

Tell your parents. Your son should not have to hide who he is around anyone, especially his grandparents. If they don't accept him, they should not be in your home. Your son is your first priority, and in this crazy, mixed-up, hateful world he needs all the support he can get.

Being a very conservative parent, my oldest son, now in his late 30's, invited me out to lunch on my birthday to lay the news on me that he was gay and paired up with a guy about 10 years older than me. Both of my parents were already deceased but I had three children under 10 with my current wife. He wanted to tell his half brothers the news. I told him my wife and I get to tell them about his lifestyle when we deem they are old enough to handle the situation. We told the two oldest when they were in their late teens, we have one who just entered her teens, and we choose to wait a couple of more years to fill her in on the info shared with her older brothers.

I told my oldest he could visit our home as long as he and his friend were not showing intimate affection for each other they could visit. A few years ago at Christmas time we met my oldest and his friend for dinner, not one minute after they arrived they started with the honey this and that making our youngest who was 9 at the time wonder what was going on with the honey this and that. She'd forgotten all about it by the time we got home. Later I called my oldest and told him, he lost my confidence and respect for his behavior in front of such a small child with special needs. We still talk on the phone but I've told him I can no longer travel and if he came to visit again, he'd have to come to our house alone. He is an alcoholic and abuses several of the more exotic drugs, yes I love him but I have to look out for my youngest who is 26 years younger than he is. My wife and I will judge when she will be told about his lifestyle.
I was diagnosed with early onset ALZ four years ago, and I am declining. Many readers won't like my position, but my wife and I devoutly practice our faith. We all must do what is best for our family, We are responsible for our family, nobody else's. I wish you all the best.

I knew many trans people back in the 1970's. It is a very hard path to live full time. There are some men who live as a man and at other times as a trans woman. I hope your son doesn't do anything surgical at a young age. I think it is fine to experiment when young but in the past many trans people had very unhappy lives often ending in suicide. My personal opinion is to experiment in a playful manner. I would have him see them as the young man they knew and maybe other visits he could be introduced as his new self with his new name. Would they see who this person is or was? Whatever their reaction should not matter too much to him. It might be educational for him. Trans people risk bad reactions at any time.

Do your parents have a pastor? If you believe that your parent's "conservative" beliefs are religious based and they hold their pastor in high regard, then it may be time to ask for pastoral care.

As you implied, most holiday traditions are to gather family to remember or celebrate. A little word play, but at the root of conservative is conserve. One could argue that conserving family unity is conservative.

Maybe you should consider putting your parents in an independent living facility or even an assisted living. it would be a much more livable arrangement first being among their own kind and age group and second not being so close to this situation.

There are two problems here.

1. Moving your parents in with you will cause a lot of heartache and problems. If they are so strict and old school, your whole life will change to accommodate them. Plus, it is an error to move parents in, period.

2. How can you even think of moving your parents into your house and making your son stay away?? What are you thinking! Good way to hurt your child. Make him feel unwelcome! Nice move Mom. Unbelievable!

I suggest carving out a genuinely special holiday occasion for the entire family that is accepting of your trans-son, which obviously excludes your parents (if finances are at all available, rent a short-term vacation rental for 3 nights in a nice local/accessible location, for instance [a 'Staycation'].) There is zero reason the folks need ever know of this 'side event'. I hope this isn't too harsh, but your son is just embarking on his life [regardless of their age], and the folks, well, I'd say keep them comfortable, let them know they're secure, they're still a part of YOUR lives, etc. Honestly, what they don't know will not hurt them. First, do no harm--and in this case, that applies to everyone in your family. God bless : )

I've obviously missed something - how does everyone seem to know how old the trans child is?

Well it has been my experience that this news will only distress them. Of all the things they forget this item they will fixate on. Its a need to know basis and they don't need to know. Don't push your son away whatever you decide. Invite him and make him welcome. If you choose to move the parents (would not be a good idea for me) in they may or may not be aware. Insist they treat your son with love and respect or they can live elsewhere.