Follow
Share

I have noticed every time he calls she moves to another room or the bathroom to talk to him. Today for a strange reason it’s like someone told me to listen in.
I have been taking care of her since she had her lung cancer surgery. I went through hell with this surgery because she had internal bleeding and almost died.
I have done anything to make her feel comfortable.
Now that she feels a little better, she acts like nothing happened.
She has this habit of cooking lots of food and give it to others my brothers or..
I guess my brother was asking how she makes a dish. And immediately she told him I will shop for it and make it myself but “this one” (referring to me) complains about the smell.


Taking care of her throughout her different surgeries, breast cancer, colon cancer, hysterectomy and the last one lung cancer surgery and being referred to as THIS ONE it’s pretty hurtful to me.


By the way this dish is made with sheep’s feet and head and it’s disgusting. The smell is worst. And it needs to cook all night. My bedroom is upstairs and imagine having all that smell travel to the second floor.


She then continued saying who cares it’s not her house I will cook it. I don’t know what my brother told her but she said : And she thinks she is the one taking care of me.

When I heard that it was like someone dropped a bucket of cold water on me.
I have never felt so betrayed in my whole life.
She was talking to him as if I was her enemy.
I have told her time and time again if you’re not happy with me being here just say the word. Don’t talk behind my back and pretend you are the caring parent.
Every time I have confronted her on this she manipulated the situation and at the end she will play the victim.
I am so close to walking out. I can’t believe I cared for her so much and my siblings never done anything to lift a finger ever and I am the bad person and they are the good one.
I am so hurt by this.

Find Care & Housing
1 2 3 4
I am sorry that your mom is not more appreciative of what you have done for her.

It sounds like it is time to go live your best life and let her figure out what the truth really is.
Helpful Answer (22)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
Report
BurntCaregiver Dec 16, 2020
You're right. Arguing or fighting with someone from time to time is one thing. That happens when more than one person lives in a home together. It's unbearable when you live somewhere and are reminded daily that it's not your house and you get treated with less respect then a bag of garbage outside in the trash can. She should go and move out of that house quick. The elderly mom wants a servant that she can also abuse and complain about to others. No one deserves that. Too many middle-aged women are living that life these days. Myself included.
(14)
Report
This would be a step too far or me. As Real said, go live your best life and leave these two together. And the thought of that cooking smell of sheep sounds nauseating.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to Bridger46164
Report
Needhelp2021 Dec 15, 2020
Imagine the smell lingering all night long when you are tying to sleep and you wake up with that smell. It is awful. I just don’t understand going through all that to eat it in a few min. No food no matter how tasty is worth all that.
(8)
Report
As to the smell, I got a giggle, because my first husband's Mom used to cook something, a polish dish, that involved cow stomach. When it was being cooked it smelled to me like chickens being plucked after being beheaded and dumped in hot water when I was a kid. Every time she made the dish it sent me reeling into the bathroom to vomit. What a memory! So to saw--I sympathize!
NOW, it does sound to me that Mom takes you for granted. I think this may have been the case for some time?
I wonder, do you live with your Mom or does she live with you. If the former is the case, you living with her, it will be easier to move on now. To tell her you are happy you could be there for her surgery, and wish her continued healing, but now must get on with your own life. If she lives with you? That will be difficult, and might involve the hard decision to tell her that she must now move to her own studio perhaps nearby, with her son, or whatever other arrangement might work in future.
I think this isn't a matter of one overheard conversation that hurt you; at least I hope not. Because people usually don't mean half what they say when they are gossiping on the phone, and would be ashamed to say such things to someone's face. Only you can decide if this is a momentary hurt that comes of exhaustion, and that you are certain of her love and appreciation OR that you truly are not appreciated, and it is time to move on. I wish you the best of luck and hope you will tell us what you decide and how things work for you.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report
Needhelp2021 Dec 15, 2020
You are right. This is not the first time . Throughout the years she always favored them over me. And the irony is that they don’t care for her. They treat her like garbage and she runs to them to be abused by them. She was asking me to get his clothes so she could wash and dry and fold for him. And our washer dryer are on the first floor she could not Carry it down. When I asked her how are you going to carry it down?? Guess what she says????
You do it she says.
(6)
Report
See 1 more reply
Mama Mia! Sounds like Capuzzelle to me. Blech. By any chance, is your mother an old Italian woman?
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report
BurntCaregiver Dec 15, 2020
OMG! Capuzzelle. I haven't heard or smelled that in years since my grandmother died. That is a horror. An assault on all the senses. I thought she might have been talking about her mom cooking a haggis.
(1)
Report
See 2 more replies
If you let yourself become a doormat, don't complain when people walk all over you.

Walk out and live your life.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to ZippyZee
Report
Needhelp2021 Dec 15, 2020
I totally agree with you.
(8)
Report
See 1 more reply
Your profiile says she lives with you. If so, does she have a home of her own? If so, time for here to return. And I'd tell her why. First she seems to be able to care for herself now. Second you overheard her conversation with brother and it hurt to find out that all the stuff you have done for her is not appreciated. So, time for her to leave.

If you are living with her the above applies but you say time for you to leave. And tell her if she needs anything she is to call your brother/s.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report
BurntCaregiver Dec 15, 2020
That's right. Call the brother.
(6)
Report
See 2 more replies
If you can move out you should. What your mom said about you to your brother was wrong, but you're wrong too for eavesdropping on what was obviously a private conversation between her and your brother. Believe me I completely understand what it's like to have a situation totally manipulated and twisted around to make you look like a terrible person while the other party plays the victim card. That's called Gaslighting and my guess is your mom didn't start doing this to you recently. She's likely been doing it to you your entire life. Everyone here totally understands your situation because many of us are either currently living in such a way or have in the past and none here will judge you.
My own living situation is very like yours. I am not only my elderly mother's caregiver in her house, but I am also responsible for everything around here too. All the chores both indoors and out. All the shopping, cooking, cleaning, doctor's appointments, phone work, and everything else under the sun. Not only that but I'm also her scratching post for when she wants to fight, complain, or lash out about something. Then I'm expected to be grateful for such abuse because I have a bed to sleep in and a roof over my head. I think that the very same is expected from you too. Not only from your mom but from everyone else as well. I truly hope that if you're able to move out of her house that you do. And, by the way I think I would vomit on the floor if I had to smell a haggis cooking all night long. That's nasty.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to BurntCaregiver
Report
Needhelp2021 Dec 16, 2020
I have tried haggis when I was in Scotland. it was bad but this is worse.
I have seen Latinos eat it something similar to this.
(2)
Report
See 2 more replies
From one NeedHelp to another,

I went through this all of the time with my mom! I had three brothers.

They won’t change. Do whatever is right for you. I finally did. I stopped being my mom’s caregiver.

Now, my brother and wife #4 have my mom in their house!

I am so sorry that life is so miserable with your mom.

I would go sit outside on my patio when my mom was speaking to my brothers. I took a well deserved coffee break! I was not willing to listen to the crap anymore.

Maybe you can tell your mom that she can cook all night with your brother and then they can share all of the sheep’s feet that they can eat together!
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
Report
Needhelp2021 Dec 16, 2020
I did tell her that today. I told her I am not going to be here for much longer and she can cook for the whole neighborhood once I am gone. I told her sleeping on the street or in a tent is much better than staying with her and put up with her and her son’s drama. I also asked her why can’t you be honest for once and tell this to my face ? If me being here bothers you so much why are you not honest? Why talk behind my back?
You know when someone is talking behind your back on the phone. She would go to the bathroom or go outside and she normally doesn’t do that with others. Only when he calls. It is so obvious.
(10)
Report
Oh my gosh, I totally grossed out when my mom cooked liver and onions for my dad.

So disgusting!

NH2021,

Your mom doesn’t like being confronted. If she is confronted she will lie or tell only a portion of the truth. She will NEVER reveal what she does. They NEVER do!

She likes to dish it out, but can’t take it!

Do whatever is right for you! She hasn’t taken your feelings into consideration so you shouldn’t worry about hers.

Anyone that tells you to take the high road hasn’t walked in your shoes. Don’t hesitate to tell them to SWAP PLACES with YOU!

You are entitled and justified to your feelings. No one else knows what you are going through or have been through.

You don’t owe anyone else an explanation for your actions either. So don’t be concerned about pushback from your mom, your brother or anyone else!
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
Report
Needhelp2021 Dec 16, 2020
Liver and onion is like peanut butter and jelly compared to this😁.
This is vile and disgusting. Sheep’s eye and head and smell is just awful.
The cooking process is so long 9 or 10 hours. It’s not like they cook it in an hour and it’s over. It lingers through the night and the next day.
Oh my God you are so right. Do you know my mom by any chance?? 😄 because you described her perfectly. She did deny it and lies looking into my eyes.
(5)
Report
See 8 more replies
How long has she cooked this stuff? Did you have to smell this dish cooking all of your life?

Geeeez, did you eat it growing up? I don’t eat anything I don’t like. I would have starved! LOL

My word, I just looked up Haggis. 🤮 Yuck!

I am Scottish and Irish on my father’s side of the family but I could NEVER eat that!
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
Report
Needhelp2021 Dec 16, 2020
No, when I was growing up the biggest thing she made was spaghetti. She didn’t care about cooking.Now that she is older she turned into Julia Child.
She has made it in the past but she knows how I hate it and hate the smell, she doesn’t care.
(5)
Report
See 2 more replies
There's an old Southern saying that you can eat any part of the pig except the Oink.

I bet certain European cultures say the same thing about sheep. I don't mind haggis, black pudding, and head cheese and such, it's pretty good. But being stuck in house where it's cooking for 10+ hours sounds awful.

I don't have any religious dietary restrictions, so when I lived in Korea and traveled east and southeast Asia, my policy was try whatever I was given, and if I liked it, I liked it; and not to question what it was.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to ZippyZee
Report

I completely understand how those comments from your mom to your sibling stings. It’s especially a slap in the face when you are the one doing all the heavy lifting with little or no appreciation or help and then a sibling finally calls not only are they treated like saints but the subtle undeserved lies/digs from your mom aren’t refuted.

I just went through something similar with mine, but the ones I am most angry with are my siblings. They KNOW my mother and can barely stand to be around her, they know she lies. But instead of redirecting and sticking up for me, knowing full well all I do, they appease her and that make things worse for me. It validates her garbage attitude.

What I’m trying to say is this is on your brother too. He should know better. He should have stopped your mother’s insults and remind her all that you do! I don’t mean in an arguing kind of way, rather polite and matter of fact.

As far as I’m concerned NOT sticking up for you is him throwing you under the bus. His silence is no excuse.

I’ll be honest when my mom passes, I’m washing my hands of my self-serving do nothing siblings.
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to ExhaustedPiper
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Dec 16, 2020
It’s not just a slap in the face. It’s a kick in the gut.

It’s awful, but it’s a reality check that tells what that individual’s true character is.

With my siblings they were always selfish and self righteous.
(8)
Report
See 6 more replies
I’m sorry for your experience. No one deserves this. But when people show you who they are, believe them. I hope you’ll move on to a more positive place, in every way, very soon
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to Daughterof1930
Report

OMG!!! This is exactly how I feel!! I'm very sorry you are going through this....My mother does not have cancer,...just high blood pressure, cholesterol, etc...Long story short. I went through a horrible divorce and moved to my Mom's house thinking it would be a fresh start and be a win-win for all and she wouldn't be alone, this was 15 years AGO! (5 years prior, my brother who was living with her and had some issues was diagnosed with lung cancer and passed. I helped them out then and he said to me "You know, Mom can never live alone". Well, my two sisters have gone about their merry way...."Mom's fine"...knowing I am now financially stuck, nothing panned out for me the way I hoped and they have offered JACK.
Insult to injury, just two years ago and before, they went from she can live with me and even "she can live on her own" (what???)..don't worry....go on about your life to she's getting old now. Well, excuse me, she was when I got here or acted like it! Incidentally, of our conversations/issues over the years have been about Mom.

My apologies, I should have added this to my preface but, here it is anyway. (BTW she is 84.5 years old). Shortly, after I had moved in she sprained her ankle (laid up for 6 weeks) after that, she had a "global transient disorder episode" . That kinda set the tone for "things to come".

Anyway, I am starting to ramble and not giving the necessary details for the big picture. But, one thing you mentioned hits home. I over heard this when I first moved back...In regards to my ex..." He just dumped her off...what am I supposed to do with her?" Like she 's the big cheese. She maybe financially stable but...she is not emotionally stable at all, and a master manipulator to boot! One of her favorites is "nobody asked you to"?
She has always been insistent that she live and die in her home! Guess what, she has had 15 years of that and my sisters have enjoyed the luxury of knowing Mom is not alone (I don't think they care but, I resent them not feeling the stress of it!! - guilt free/ in denial of reality! ). All at my expense and if I had put my foot down and not have felt sorry for her and worried about myself and my future for once in my life, they would all be living a VERY DIFFERENT LIFE!

I am just soooo over it!!! ( I am the youngest and my brother was in the middle...I feel my sisters are big bullies! of the worst kind) - and guaranteed they would not be pulling this crap if my brother was alive!) I take solace in knowing one day I will make sure to verbalize this to ensure they don't get relief or (forgiveness from me) for not doing a thing for so so long, as well as knock them off their pretentiousness and delusion.
Thanks for letting me vent! I swear I am doing everything to try and stay positive! Dr. Joe Despenza can only do so much...."be greater than your environment" is easier said than done sometimes, but, GOD knows I'm trying!
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Nosiblingscare
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Dec 16, 2020
No matter what it takes, LEAVE! You deserve peace of mind.

Forget your mom and siblings. Start living for yourself.

They are living in a delusional world. Create your own world for your own sanity.
(10)
Report
Sorry to read this post. Sadly it’s that same old story we’ve read and/or posted about many times before. The physical reactions you describe are shock and horror that someone you have looked after could say such cruel and untrue things about you. I’ve had this too, and it made me feel sick, horrified, confused. You talk about walking out, but I’m not sure from your post if it is your home or if you are living in your mother’s home? Playing the victim when confronted is a classic plot to deflect the heat when this kind of behaviour is called out. I totally understand your hurt and think that yes, it would be better to put some distance between the two of you as she is taking you for granted as well as abusing you. You certainly deserve better than to live in such a toxic environment.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to Chriscat83
Report

Dear "Needhelp2021,"

I'm glad you do tell your mom about your awareness of what's been said and done behind your back BUT, you will never convince her that she's in the wrong or get her to "see the light." It's unfortunate, but so very true which you can see by the fact that she manipulates (gaslights) the situation and continues to play the victim. Why? Because it works for her, always has and always will.

The other factor is when it comes to siblings, in most families there is always sibling rivalry going on to some degree - some worse than others. Because of that they will want to strive to be the favored one, the good one. When that happens, then one or more of the other siblings and who are the caregiver(s) are the ones left holding the bag and taking on the role of the bad guy which has been placed upon them.

Rest assured you are not the only one this happens to and you will hear other posters share the same sentiments in their own situations.

Setting limits, boundaries or letting someone else take over is about the only alternative but, you have to hold firm and stay strong. If you give in again just "once" - she'll know she has you back on the hook!

I wish you the best and I know and understand how deeply this has hurt and affected not just you but how you go about caregiving for her and interacting with her.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to NobodyGetsIt
Report
Needhelp2021 Dec 16, 2020
To: nobodygetsit
You are absolutely right. They are alike.
(1)
Report
See 4 more replies
I don't live with my mom--and I knew from the start that I never could. She lives with YB and is content enough, but she has asked me MANY times if she could move in with me. She doesn't particularly like me, so I don't know why she'd ask this!

I have heard her say some really awful things behind my back and to my face. But if I say something to one of the sibs for support, they don't really 'get it'.

I had cancer last year and she did not reach out to me ONCE in the year I was treating. When I started to grow some hair back, I went to see her, thinking maybe she'd care--all she said was "you used to be so pretty'. And then, "Well, when do they think this will come back?" (the cancer, not my hair).

She's not toxic, she's just got her favorites and I am not one. Just staying away from her as much as I can has been the only thing that has kept me sane.

She's 90 and will probably live many more years. I need to self preserve--and it's not 'natural' to me, so it's been hard.
Helpful Answer (15)
Reply to Midkid58
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Dec 16, 2020
Mid,

I have told you about my MIL dying from non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. She fought hard and she was in remission for five years.

I loved my MIL. She was a lovely woman who raised wonderful sons.

She was an only child. You’d think her mom would have cherished her. The opposite was true. Her mom was hateful!

My grandmother in law used to say that my sweet MIL was lying about her cancer so she could get attention!

Who in the world could be jealous of someone with cancer? She was! Isn’t that sad and pathetic?
(13)
Report
See 1 more reply
Look up gas lighting. It sounds like this is what Mum is doing when you confront her and she manipulates the situation.

Why have you not moved out? Your mother is not going to change, so you need to change your situation. Next time Mum needs help, she can hire someone to provide it.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to Tothill
Report
Needhelp2021 Dec 16, 2020
I have had this happen in the past and every time when I want move she start to apologize but after a few days or weeks it’s the same all over again.
Today she called me and says I am sorry I was wrong but this time it’s not like other times.
I heard it with my own ears what she thinks of me. She is only apologizing because she realized she still needs me.

I don’t want stay with someone that doesn’t love me specially a parent.
As much as it hurts me I have to accept that she only wants me because she doesn’t have other choices.
(11)
Report
See 7 more replies
Needhelp
I know how you feel. When I found out that my mother was talking behind my back I felt a betrayal that I never felt before. You feel stupid because you did so much for them and then you find out they are bad mouthing you. Treat you as if you should be grateful to just be in their presence. It hurts deeply!

If you can move out and don't look back!

Had I found this forum before I moved in with my own backstabbing mother perhaps, I would have saved myself much pain and tears.

Save yourself because no else will or can. You have gotten some great advice and if I was you, I would take it.

Don't waste your love or caring on someone who doesn't love or care for you. Just maybe someone wanted you to know the truth and told you to listen to your mom on the phone!

Hugs!!!
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to Shell38314
Report
Needhelp2021 Dec 16, 2020
Thank you so much for your and everyone’s support here. I did get some great advice from here.
I feel so stupid for crying when she was in the hospital and for the effort I put in.
I feel I have been lied to and deceived.
You think they are your parent and they love you but you find out it’s not true.
She called me today saying she is sorry but I know she is not. She is just saying this because she realizes she still needs me.
I don’t want a parent who doesn’t want me for me rather than she is changing her tune because she wants to use me.
No amount of I am sorry is going to change the betrayal I feel.
I am looking into moving out as soon as I can. I Think I want to move away as far as I can. I don’t want her to call me and don’t want to see her. Today I thought about staying in a motel so I didn’t have to be here.
How long after you found out did you move out?

Thank you all for your support. Sometimes strangers are kinder than relatives.
(9)
Report
See 1 more reply
Read about narcissism. This is your mother. There is not a thing you can do about it, but decide to stay and take it (((( she will NEVER change )))) or leave and take your sanity with you. Seriously, I encourage you to really think about leaving.

My mother always talked about others behind their backs. One day I realized, she probably talks about me, too. But the manipulation over many years is in-grained and I am now taking care of my mother for the last 3 1/2 years, and most of the time we get along. But this year has really taken a toll on us and I realize at some point I probably will not be able to do this and will have to have mom go to assisted living. In the meantime, it is one day at a time, sometimes an hour or a few moments at a time. But I have promised myself that when that moment comes, I will do my best to not feel guilty because I have done the best I can in our relationship over the last 65+ years.

Oh and I forgot to say, she came to my home to live, and she has never forgiven me for taking her from " her home " in another town a few hours away. And had I chosen to live in her home, it would always be "her home". So it wouldn't have worked in her home and it sure doesn't work well in my home. I have heard about her having to give up "her home" very, very frequently. There's so much more, but .... guess I'll write a book one day.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Myownlife
Report
Needhelp2021 Dec 16, 2020
You are so right. I know she will never change.
It is all about her and her needs.
(6)
Report
I believe she has narcissistic personality disorder
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Sarah3
Report

Sorry that you are in the middle of this situation, but you have now heard "her truth."

Does your mother still need you to care for her?

Seems your mother feels it is not a problem to speak ill of you to others. You are hurt because you care and you have sacrificed time for her care. At the least, she should respect you. She doesn't.

I suggest it is time to start moving into a more independent life from each other. You deserve better treatment; go find it with people who nurture you.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Taarna
Report
Needhelp2021 Dec 17, 2020
Hi,
Thank you so much for your support.
She is better or at least she thinks she is.
She had 3 different cancers in the past and the last one was lung cancer. How long this is going to last ? I don’t know and I don’t want to stick around to find out. When she becomes ill and needs you she is a totally different person, but as soon as she feels a little better it’s over. She becomes the same selfish person.

I appreciate all your help
(6)
Report
NeedHelp2021, I think I understand so much more about you, your Mom and your relationship from responses to others below. I honestly would suggest that you get some professional help. Your Mom likely has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder and that is never going to change; is very unlikely to change. Right now you are enabling her in that by being there and doing her bidding, and by being played in all the traditional ways. You are going to have to learn now to advocate for yourself and for your own life. I am so relieved that you live with her, not she with you. This is going to make it easier to make your own life and move out and move on when you choose to.
Remember, the choice is yours. If you stay, eventually you must accept that you have chosen to do so despite having great insight into what is happening here. It will take great COURAGE and not a little help from a professional to move out of the habitual ways of acting and reacting which is "Mom is bad, I get hurt, Mom apologizes, I feel guilty and stay............repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
You will know you are well and surely healed the day you can look at your Mom with compassion and forgiveness and understand that she is a flawed human being giving as much love as she is capable of living. That is her burden in this life; not yours. We have two chances at family. The one we are born to and the one we create out of our own loves moving forward, our own goodness, our own chosen loved ones. It is truly your choice. This is not in your Mom's hands. It is in your hands. Please get help however you are able. Hard work, but you will be so glad and so proud of yourself in every step forward to unwind yourself from this web you and your Mom create together daily.
My very best to you. You are clearly smart and intuitive; I know you can do this when you decide you want to. This isn't an act of cruelty or revenge upon your poor Mom whose deficits you cannot change. This is an act of self love, and you will have all the more love to give to Mom and to others you choose to love in future.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report
Needhelp2021 Dec 17, 2020
Hi

I am not sure if she lived in my house she would even do the things she does.
She does these things because it’s her place. But she knows once I leave there are things that I did and she can not do.
Trust me her apology this time didn’t mean anything to me. I know it’s all fake and she doesn’t mean it.
And truly this time is not like other times.
I can not lie to myself any longer.
She showed who she is. We have not spoken to each other today and I left the house in the morning. If she really was sorry she would at least make an effort. Not that would make any difference in my decision.
Its time for me to start living for myself and stop living for her.
(16)
Report
See 1 more reply
Needhelp 2021, this response is to try to help you feel just a little bit better. Your mother is a pain in the neck, all the nasty things are true. There are a lot of people like that, as well as people who talk about EVERYONE behind their back – you can’t trust a word they say. There may be a little bit of love along with the nastiness, some good memories from the past, but that doesn’t help at the time when you hear the badmouthing. I heard my father bad-mouthing me, my husband and my children, when he was staying with us on a visit. He was phoning someone on the other side of the world, on OUR phone, back in the old days when international calls cost a fortune. We had a cockroach plague at the time, and that morning he had caught some outside, then put the squashed roaches on our breakfast plates.

The only thing is that the worst of the pain fades. You don’t need to make it the absolute end of your relationship. We asked my father to leave (this may surprise you), and I’m sure it will help you to leave too. You don’t need a final fight with her or your brother, just go. Stay out of contact for 6 months. Don’t ever go back to live with her, but you will probably find that you can visit without much pain. If you can wait for that, it will probably mean that you can live the rest of your life with less painful memories. I hope so, for your sake!
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to MargaretMcKen
Report
JoAnn29 Dec 18, 2020
Well said. Margaret, was your father eventually found to have a Dementia? Or he was just a nasty person?
(2)
Report
"Sometimes strangers are kinder than relatives."

As the saying goes, you can pick your nose, you can pick your seat, but you can't pick your family. However, you CAN choose not to deal with them, at least once you are an adult! You've come to that crossroad in your life, choose the one that will restore your sanity! You KNOW which one is the right road to choose.

"When she becomes ill and needs you she is a totally different person, but as soon as she feels a little better it’s over. She becomes the same selfish person."

Not just selfish, she is USING you. Perhaps it was okay when she was truly ill and needing a lot of help, but now - if she can cook that foul smelling crap, her bed is downstairs, can do laundry, etc, she can fend for herself. If not, she can either try to get your brothers into the fold or hire someone else to abuse. Doubtful brothers will buckle.

"Trust me her apology this time didn’t mean anything to me. I know it’s all fake and she doesn’t mean it.
And truly this time is not like other times.
I can not lie to myself any longer."

MAINTAIN that conviction and follow through! You've been sucked into that game Bugs Bunny would play in Looney Tunes - I dare you to cross that line! She pulls something on you, you try to stand your ground or put her on report, aka draw that line, she becomes contrite, apologizes, walks around on egg shells, then it all slides back into the "normal" that was by stepping over the line. So, you end up continually drawing a new line. It is just too easy for people like your mother to manipulate us, esp those of us who ARE caring people. Push the limit, back off, appear to change, but it is all a charade. If we keep drawing new lines, it will never stop. Make this the last line, only YOU cross it, into a brave new world without your mother!

"She showed who she is. We have not spoken to each other today and I left the house in the morning. If she really was sorry she would at least make an effort. Not that would make any difference in my decision."

Given her track record that you have reported, she may up her game to entice you to stay. Don't buy it. She tries to plead and apologize, you are suddenly deaf. Don't listen, don't react, don't respond, just walk away.

"Its time for me to start living for myself and stop living for her."

Yes. YES!!! Personally I would just make my plans, in private, and follow through. I wouldn't discuss ANY plans with her or anyone else. Hopefully you have employment or some kind of income. Find a place you like and/or can afford. Is any of the furniture yours, such as a bed? Are you attached to any of these? If not, find some you can afford, or thrift shop to find items to tide you over and leave it all behind. Pack up everything you want into your car, announce THAT day you are leaving, and move out. If it won't all fit, pack what you can and take it to the new place, then repeat until you have everything you want/need.
No warning. No time for her to plan HER games. No argument, no false pleading, nothing. I'm leaving and go. You can even leave a list on the table of companies in the area that hire out care-givers, cleaners, etc. But ZERO discussion. Plan the move and implement it.

This is one of those times where it has to be a quick and clean break. If your plan doesn't include any relationship in the future, I would find out if you can get your phone # changed. IF you are receiving any of your own bills at her home, get a PO Box and change all the addresses to that while you are prepping for the move!

New year, new place to live, new YOU! Please do let us know how you are doing and what progress you've made! We like to hear success stories too!!!
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to disgustedtoo
Report
Needhelp2021 Dec 18, 2020
Oh my God

She calls to apologize yesterday and right now I saw she had thrown away 2 of her pictures that I had framed and put on the wall in the trash can.
I can’t wait to be out of here.
(9)
Report
Does your mother still know it's you or does she think you're a hired 'caregiver'? Is your brother in agreement that you are doing your best? Because it might be the case that you need a loooong respite away (or her). Bring her to his house as you are finding that 'she needs him' and now no need to talk on the phone because she could talk to him personally'. Who does the shopping?
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to TiaChichi
Report

If your brother does not stick up for you and set your mother straight, save yourself from any more pain.

This is on your brother also.

You are not being mean to walk away - if your mother is forming an alliance with your brother, she will be happy with whatever care she gets from him. Staying will only cause you to suffer. It’s okay to let someone else take over caregiving since they have setup an unhealthy dynamic.

Take care of you ~ you deserve it.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to Susanora
Report

Take a 2 week vacation without ANY contact with her and see how she does without you help.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to garylee
Report

Leave. Now.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to SFdaughter
Report

I am and was very much aware of this type of behaviors. My advice after caring for my mom 2years/7 months is this: don’t be passive aggressive confront your brother and mom in a calm way because upsetting yourself and trying to have a conversation doesn’t serve you. And as far as the cooking goes, have your brother take mom to his house to cook his favorite meal that isn’t so pleasant smelling and consider it a win win because it will be an outing for mom.
Cheryl
Philadelphia
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to BeStillandKnow
Report
MargaretMcKen Dec 18, 2020
I cook the smelly things in a slow cooker on an electric ring outside on the verandah. The smelly things stay outside (my pet peeve is dog food), and in summer the heat stays outside too.
(3)
Report
See 2 more replies
1 2 3 4
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter