I have noticed every time he calls she moves to another room or the bathroom to talk to him. Today for a strange reason it’s like someone told me to listen in.
I have been taking care of her since she had her lung cancer surgery. I went through hell with this surgery because she had internal bleeding and almost died.
I have done anything to make her feel comfortable.
Now that she feels a little better, she acts like nothing happened.
She has this habit of cooking lots of food and give it to others my brothers or..
I guess my brother was asking how she makes a dish. And immediately she told him I will shop for it and make it myself but “this one” (referring to me) complains about the smell.

Taking care of her throughout her different surgeries, breast cancer, colon cancer, hysterectomy and the last one lung cancer surgery and being referred to as THIS ONE it’s pretty hurtful to me.

By the way this dish is made with sheep’s feet and head and it’s disgusting. The smell is worst. And it needs to cook all night. My bedroom is upstairs and imagine having all that smell travel to the second floor.

She then continued saying who cares it’s not her house I will cook it. I don’t know what my brother told her but she said : And she thinks she is the one taking care of me.

When I heard that it was like someone dropped a bucket of cold water on me.
I have never felt so betrayed in my whole life.
She was talking to him as if I was her enemy.
I have told her time and time again if you’re not happy with me being here just say the word. Don’t talk behind my back and pretend you are the caring parent.
Every time I have confronted her on this she manipulated the situation and at the end she will play the victim.
I am so close to walking out. I can’t believe I cared for her so much and my siblings never done anything to lift a finger ever and I am the bad person and they are the good one.
I am so hurt by this.

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I am sorry that your mom is not more appreciative of what you have done for her.

It sounds like it is time to go live your best life and let her figure out what the truth really is.
Helpful Answer (22)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
BurntCaregiver Dec 16, 2020
You're right. Arguing or fighting with someone from time to time is one thing. That happens when more than one person lives in a home together. It's unbearable when you live somewhere and are reminded daily that it's not your house and you get treated with less respect then a bag of garbage outside in the trash can. She should go and move out of that house quick. The elderly mom wants a servant that she can also abuse and complain about to others. No one deserves that. Too many middle-aged women are living that life these days. Myself included.
When I went to my parent’s home and walked in the living room and was greeted with, “There’s laundry downstairs that needs to be finished”, not hello or any other form of greeting, and other family members were sitting on the sofa, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was the servant and everyone else was a guest. I walked out and let them know by telephone that they could ask other members of the family to help with household chores. I have been taking a break ever since. It sounds to me as if you need to do the same.
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Reply to Stilltired
Kittybee Dec 18, 2020
I don't live with my mom--and I knew from the start that I never could. She lives with YB and is content enough, but she has asked me MANY times if she could move in with me. She doesn't particularly like me, so I don't know why she'd ask this!

I have heard her say some really awful things behind my back and to my face. But if I say something to one of the sibs for support, they don't really 'get it'.

I had cancer last year and she did not reach out to me ONCE in the year I was treating. When I started to grow some hair back, I went to see her, thinking maybe she'd care--all she said was "you used to be so pretty'. And then, "Well, when do they think this will come back?" (the cancer, not my hair).

She's not toxic, she's just got her favorites and I am not one. Just staying away from her as much as I can has been the only thing that has kept me sane.

She's 90 and will probably live many more years. I need to self preserve--and it's not 'natural' to me, so it's been hard.
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Reply to Midkid58
NeedHelpWithMom Dec 16, 2020

I have told you about my MIL dying from non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. She fought hard and she was in remission for five years.

I loved my MIL. She was a lovely woman who raised wonderful sons.

She was an only child. You’d think her mom would have cherished her. The opposite was true. Her mom was hateful!

My grandmother in law used to say that my sweet MIL was lying about her cancer so she could get attention!

Who in the world could be jealous of someone with cancer? She was! Isn’t that sad and pathetic?
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If you let yourself become a doormat, don't complain when people walk all over you.

Walk out and live your life.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to ZippyZee
Needhelp2021 Dec 15, 2020
I totally agree with you.
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Look up gas lighting. It sounds like this is what Mum is doing when you confront her and she manipulates the situation.

Why have you not moved out? Your mother is not going to change, so you need to change your situation. Next time Mum needs help, she can hire someone to provide it.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to Tothill
Needhelp2021 Dec 16, 2020
I have had this happen in the past and every time when I want move she start to apologize but after a few days or weeks it’s the same all over again.
Today she called me and says I am sorry I was wrong but this time it’s not like other times.
I heard it with my own ears what she thinks of me. She is only apologizing because she realized she still needs me.

I don’t want stay with someone that doesn’t love me specially a parent.
As much as it hurts me I have to accept that she only wants me because she doesn’t have other choices.
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I completely understand how those comments from your mom to your sibling stings. It’s especially a slap in the face when you are the one doing all the heavy lifting with little or no appreciation or help and then a sibling finally calls not only are they treated like saints but the subtle undeserved lies/digs from your mom aren’t refuted.

I just went through something similar with mine, but the ones I am most angry with are my siblings. They KNOW my mother and can barely stand to be around her, they know she lies. But instead of redirecting and sticking up for me, knowing full well all I do, they appease her and that make things worse for me. It validates her garbage attitude.

What I’m trying to say is this is on your brother too. He should know better. He should have stopped your mother’s insults and remind her all that you do! I don’t mean in an arguing kind of way, rather polite and matter of fact.

As far as I’m concerned NOT sticking up for you is him throwing you under the bus. His silence is no excuse.

I’ll be honest when my mom passes, I’m washing my hands of my self-serving do nothing siblings.
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to ExhaustedPiper
NeedHelpWithMom Dec 16, 2020
It’s not just a slap in the face. It’s a kick in the gut.

It’s awful, but it’s a reality check that tells what that individual’s true character is.

With my siblings they were always selfish and self righteous.
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I’m sorry for your experience. No one deserves this. But when people show you who they are, believe them. I hope you’ll move on to a more positive place, in every way, very soon
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to Daughterof1930

I know how you feel. When I found out that my mother was talking behind my back I felt a betrayal that I never felt before. You feel stupid because you did so much for them and then you find out they are bad mouthing you. Treat you as if you should be grateful to just be in their presence. It hurts deeply!

If you can move out and don't look back!

Had I found this forum before I moved in with my own backstabbing mother perhaps, I would have saved myself much pain and tears.

Save yourself because no else will or can. You have gotten some great advice and if I was you, I would take it.

Don't waste your love or caring on someone who doesn't love or care for you. Just maybe someone wanted you to know the truth and told you to listen to your mom on the phone!

Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to Shell38314
Needhelp2021 Dec 16, 2020
Thank you so much for your and everyone’s support here. I did get some great advice from here.
I feel so stupid for crying when she was in the hospital and for the effort I put in.
I feel I have been lied to and deceived.
You think they are your parent and they love you but you find out it’s not true.
She called me today saying she is sorry but I know she is not. She is just saying this because she realizes she still needs me.
I don’t want a parent who doesn’t want me for me rather than she is changing her tune because she wants to use me.
No amount of I am sorry is going to change the betrayal I feel.
I am looking into moving out as soon as I can. I Think I want to move away as far as I can. I don’t want her to call me and don’t want to see her. Today I thought about staying in a motel so I didn’t have to be here.
How long after you found out did you move out?

Thank you all for your support. Sometimes strangers are kinder than relatives.
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This would be a step too far or me. As Real said, go live your best life and leave these two together. And the thought of that cooking smell of sheep sounds nauseating.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to Bridger46164
Needhelp2021 Dec 15, 2020
Imagine the smell lingering all night long when you are tying to sleep and you wake up with that smell. It is awful. I just don’t understand going through all that to eat it in a few min. No food no matter how tasty is worth all that.
Dear "Needhelp2021,"

I'm glad you do tell your mom about your awareness of what's been said and done behind your back BUT, you will never convince her that she's in the wrong or get her to "see the light." It's unfortunate, but so very true which you can see by the fact that she manipulates (gaslights) the situation and continues to play the victim. Why? Because it works for her, always has and always will.

The other factor is when it comes to siblings, in most families there is always sibling rivalry going on to some degree - some worse than others. Because of that they will want to strive to be the favored one, the good one. When that happens, then one or more of the other siblings and who are the caregiver(s) are the ones left holding the bag and taking on the role of the bad guy which has been placed upon them.

Rest assured you are not the only one this happens to and you will hear other posters share the same sentiments in their own situations.

Setting limits, boundaries or letting someone else take over is about the only alternative but, you have to hold firm and stay strong. If you give in again just "once" - she'll know she has you back on the hook!

I wish you the best and I know and understand how deeply this has hurt and affected not just you but how you go about caregiving for her and interacting with her.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to NobodyGetsIt
Needhelp2021 Dec 16, 2020
To: nobodygetsit
You are absolutely right. They are alike.
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