I heard my mother gossip about me to my brother and it really hurts. Advice?

Dear 2021 - I know exactly what you mean because my mother did the same to me when I gave up my life, my much-needed income, my home to take care of her. Please read about narcissistic mothers to see if other signs match. If they do, you need to change your focus to you. Your mother will never change and it will get worse and it will affect your mental and physical health. My mother's abuse has destroyed me. Wishing you all the best.

dear needhelp :),

hug!!
i hope things are improving.

you wrote:
”I can’t believe I cared for her so much and my siblings never done anything to lift a finger ever and I am the bad person and they are the good one.”

——
it’s verrry common.
:(

especially mean mother talking badly about sweet daughter.

if you were a man, she wouldn’t treat you like this.

you’re a woman.
you’re younger.

she’s jealous.

——
mean people feel good when they make other people feel bad.

——
please protect yourself.
make yourself less available.

the abuse never stops. it gets worse.

the abuse will steal your time, energy, motivation…

it’s hard to lead a blossoming life, with mean people dragging you down.

hug!!!

I don’t like the sound of this!I was adopted as a baby by my parents and have been nearly broken by them. It started with them gossiping to my brother overseas who is their biological son. Now they have changed their Will and given everything to him despite me being the Caregiver.I feel sad and betrayed.

December question.

I feel your pain. Hope things are better for you now. I emailed this thread to myself as a reminder that I am not alone in this horrible situation.

Needhelp2021, don't tell your mom. She will do something to make you stay.

When you are walking out the door is when you should tell her.

I moved 450 miles from my toxic family and I can recommend it. Close enough to help, if I so choose, yet far enough to not get sucked into all their drama.

Merry Holidays and know that this will get better when you enforce your boundaries and move out.

You can do it!

Woke up to storm and water damage this morning and a very sick cat. After an urgent trip to the vets, through floodwater and queues of christmas eve traffic, we got home to nurse the cat and clean up the house. Mother was absent until she was sure the work was done, before appearing, to tell me her gentleman friend had written to her but had decided not to make her a proposal as she'd already refused him. I think she was initially bemused rather than upset, as she doesn't want to marry or live with him in case she ends up having to care for him. No concern about our poorly cat, the damage to the house or the amount of housework I had to get through today. Then the sulking started because he'd not come running after her as she'd expected. And the scapegoat was the target - me of course. I spent the afternoon preparing foods for tomorrow, occasionally weeping and hoping things will be better next year, whilst just focusing on getting through the next few days. I wanted some good news and kindness for a change, and was really moved by the plight of the several thousand truckers stranded in their lorries in the UK at the moment. Volunteers have been organising food for them as they will likely be spending Christmas in their lorries. I made a donation to one of the volunteer organisations, as however low I am feeling now, those truckers have it far worse, and the kindness and compassion of the volunteers is humbling. Signing off for Christmas, I'd like to thank the many friends on this Forum who have been so helpful and supportive this year. Best wishes to all, and I hope you stay safe and well this Christmas. Xxx

Thank you Piper and NeedHelp2021. Sadly I don't feel any sense of freedom. I just feel there is more bad behaviour coming. I feel my mother has her claws into me and it will take ages for me to be free and for the wounds to heal. What a terrible way to feel about your own mother. I can't imagine a relationship like this with my son.

Thanks Piper. I am an only child so have no siblings to share this with. The burden is all mine. Move out date is around 2 weeks. Can't come soon enough. Meanwhile she is happy to consume all the Christmas foods and drinks I've planned, bought and prepared, without considering the effort and time this takes. There will be no thanks or recognition for this. It is sad to say this no longer bothers or upsets me, despite it being so dysfunctional. There is just no emotion at all there, from her, and now not from me either.

I could post this here or on the narcissistic mother thread, either would be relevant. Mother goes to try out a supported living facility in the new year, as I have posted about previously. I've been through the rage, anger and abuse over the past 8 weeks while we've been organising this, with me doing all the work and planning. Today she received a phone call from a nice gentleman friend she fell out with in February after lashing out at him when his TV broke during stormy weather (not his fault obviously). I knew she had written to him last week after he sent a Christmas card. I was sure also that she had spun him a sob story about being "thrown out on the street" rather than the true situation of a fibromyalgia diagnosis for me, and her increasing care needs. So it came as no surprise to hear her tell him that I wanted her out of the house, presenting herself as the victim while he again proposed marriage as if he is some knight in shining armour come to rescue her. She has never wanted to marry him but has enjoyed using him to drive her places, until the lockdown which made him of no use to her, so she just said "I can't marry you" although she really means she doesn't want to. After the phone call she came rushing in, delighted in just knowing that he is prepared to run around after her again. I called her out over: what she had told him in order to get this kind of response, whether she had told him about my diagnosis (she hadn't), I asked her how he and his family were and how they had coped during this "covid" year, and it was clear she hadn't asked as it's just not important to her. I also cautioned her not to give him false hope of marriage in the future by stringing him along. I write this as an example of covert narcissism. The rewriting of truths, the creation of the villain/scapegoat (me), the triangulation, the lies to your face, the lack of empathy or compassion for my health issues, the lack of gratitude for 10 years of caregiving and the lack of feeling for her friend. Sadly none of this comes as a surprise to me - it is all what I already knew about her. My objectives are to get her into the new facility and seriously consider going no contact.

Same thing happened to me. She moved in with me at the age of 86 when I got my divorce. I had 2 children living with me. She insisted on cooking, but when I got home there would be a burnt pot on the stove. I started to worry about her burning my house down! After a few years her mood changed drastically. She would constantly yell at my children. They started to resent her. Neither my brother or sister would help. My sister constantly complained about how I treated her. I never told anyone in the family that I washed her clothes, gave her a bath (because she insisted to get in the tub), but then was unable to get her out. I had to have my son get grandma out of the tub. By the way, the first year she lived with me I paid for everything! Second year I asked for 1/4 of the rent. Then the third year I asked if she could contribute to the food. Her reply was "What for a cup of water and a crust of bread"! She went on a food strike!!! My nieces would come over with food and mark her name on the container. She wanted to move to an independent living center. The family agreed, except for me. I knew she would never survive on her own. Sure enough, because she was so stubborn in taking a bath, that she had to stay in the bath tub overnight! My brother looked in on her and found her. That didn't stop her from continuing on with her baths however. A few times the paramedics were called to get her out of the tub. She lasted 3 months on her own. I know had she stayed with me she would have lived a lot longer. No one considers the feelings of the caregiver. I guess the quote "No good deed goes unpunished" is true. Merry Christmas!!

I’m going through the same problem now with everyone else being wonderful while getting no gratitude for my around the clock work. But God sees and hears it all. My actions of caring speaks louder than words. Know that God is aware of your work.

Oh, honey, I can empathize!! I had the same experience. I stayed 5 years, working like you have, with two sisters never lifting a finger. I realized my mom was doing the same behavior, talking to the absent older sister (the golden child). I left within 2 months and have never regretted it--I gave the 2 sibs 2 months notice, and now it's gotten worse (as I understand via 'moles', as they won't communicate with me). I have worked through it, 2 years later, and am at complete peace with how it ended for me. I hope you will come to peace with yourself as well. I had GREAT therapist who helped me greatly, and am happy to share some of her wisdom.

Please have patience with her. You are taking care of her because of what's in your heart. Let her say what she wants as she may not be able to help it. Tell her you just cant stand the smell of that dish and it makes you sick to your stomach.
Try not to confront her with anything especially if she has any dementia....it will only hurt her.
At some point when she is no longer around....you will be wishing to hear her voice say anything.....anything at all even if it is to refer to you as..."this one."
Don't walk out on her. You are definately not the bad person. You are the Good One.
Just keep going by whats in your heart and why you wanted to help her in the first place. You will never have another mother. You should be very proud of what you are doing. I am very proud of you.

my mom also had breast and colon cancer, and I helped her. I was in High School for her colon cancer, and I was an adult living out pf state when she had breast cancer, (and went down to Florida to help for a few weeks), but my dad was alive and helped her in both instances. About 9 yrs, after he died, she developed Alzheimer's. This once nice woman told me to "Drop dead and go someplace warm," over nothing. The 20th time she told me this, I told her I better bring sunscreen and a hat. I knew it was the Alzheimer's talking. I even wrote a book about my husband and I taking care of her: "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." She also thought that we moved in with her, rather than the other way around. Maybe in your case too she is sick, rather than just insulting.

I wish we could be penpals, because i need someone to relate to. I'm am experiencing the EXACT same thing!

Im glad you are not home with her all day. Tell brother its time for someone else to do the caring. Your burned out and the constant snide remarks/talking about you can cease bc your no longer the caregiver. Now she can talk and complain about someone else.
Good luck

You need to first look after yourself. Your mother is not mentally healthy and she is using you. She sounds narcissistic. You can say what you like to her, she is not going to change nor is she going to ask you to leave as you are doing what she wants.

What do you want for yourself?

My sister was the "good" person too and mother talked about me behind my back yet I was the one who helped her. Do what you have to to protect yourself and have a sane and peaceful existence. Nowhere is it written that you have to put up with this, You matter too

Take care of yourself (((((hugs)))))

She is gaslighting you and taking advantage. You should look into other living arrangements. I'm sorry.

Now you know what's she's been doing for your entire life ...
Typically that type of personality, will slander and insult their children behind their backs.
Usually, that covertly slanderous behavior exists for decades b/4 the target understands what his/her mother has been doing.

No matter the level of care and/or attention that you bestow upon your "mother," she will continue saying bad things about you.

Your brother is awful for not telling you sooner, which means he has been a part of your mother's gossip about you, for your lifetime.
Unfortunately, your "mother,"will never admit nor change her behaviors.

It's NOT you, it's ALL on HER
Now you know.

Maybe for more understanding, think back on your life to all situations where you would enter a room and the entire room hated you often b/4 you knew anyone, which is 100% normal for those raised by psychologically abusive mothers
So sorry, you've experienced that covert deliberate abuse.

You aren’t alone.
Your mother doesn’t have the ability to speak her mind cordially so she talks behind your back.
You speak your mind to her and she cannot handle it.
You can either learn to accept it, and keep your serenity, or she can make other arrangements. You won’t be able to change her.

From your reply it sounds like your mum has issues that may not be related to dementia. My mother had bipolar (very downplayed) prior to the LBD and it definitely complicated everything. You need to put yourself first and work on distancing yourself from the toxicity. Good luck! x

It is so hurtful, really. I have lived with my mom for almost 10 years (gave up my life in Greece and me and my SO are maintaining long distance).

i think it all depends on your family dynamic... I hear my mom talking about me sometimes to my brother and her (one remaining) friend. ☹️

But also, I know she’s frustrated and needs to vent. I have all my friends to unload on and she really only has a couple of people (at 87) and even in the best of situations people get frustrated with each other.

But when the s**t hits the fan she knows I’m the only one stepping up to take care of her. I just let her talk. Sometimes I have to follow up with people to tell my side of things. My friends and family know she’s old and a little out of it and the appreciate me and support me. So I’m super lucky.

I think it’s so very hard when we see people we looked up to change and become suspicious or unbalanced. I think it’s because they are scared and frustrated.

This is just my experience... I know I’m lucky mostly... There are so many of us caregivers dealing with way worse than my situation. God Bless You and hang in there ❤️

Move out. You will never be appreciated and you are sacrificing so much of yourself that it will in the end harm you--your mental health, social life, future earnings and retirement income, and happiness all take a backseat to your Mom's needs. What matters is there is a perception of reality – – their false perception of reality.--that false perception of reality is their truth. You will never be able to show them the real truth. They don't want to hear it and they refuse to hear the truth. Don't allow your family to take you for granted. Nobody deserves that. You are the one who suffers--not them. Your priority is you! You will never be happy in that environment. You have no reason to feel guilty about your mother's care--you've done so much for her already. Set yourself free! Be you! Enjoy life!

It is painful, as I know from sad experience. My mother did the same thing to me. She would tell anyone who would listen how “abused” she was while I did everything but breathe for her. A social worker at her gerontologist’s office told me that it is not unusual for a person with dementia to be abusive to their caretaker while accusing them of the same.

Mom is now in memory care (accusing THEM of abuse now) and the people she complained to about me - mostly my siblings and their kids, a sister in law and a cousin - never go to see her or call her. I’m the one who takes her little gifts and homemade treats, pays her bills, does her holiday shopping, etc. I may never get the satisfaction of having her apologize, and my relationship with those relatives may never go back to what it was, but I am able to live with myself knowing I am not a liar or an abusive person. I didn’t sink to her level.

Imho, I did see your update from 5 hours ago with your plans to move out. Best of luck. Prayers sent.

... Your mother is "toxic". Another word for it is "narcissistic." Possibly you grew up under this type of parental behavior? If you did, please consider taking a look at Jonice Webbs CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect). It can greatly help increase emotional vision advancing from dim to distinct. It did for me. I can see clearly now, the rain is gone! The hills are alive with the sound of music, too! In it all would come forward into focus remembering the Old Testament story of Joseph whose brothers threw him in the well to die. Despite the trials and challenges Joseph suffered through, God's plan was still greater than Joseph's emotional and physical traumas. Joseph came out on top, a ruling administrator of Egypt. Joseph resolved his inner turmoil with love's forgiveness. Not the counterfeit-type of forgiveness that overlooks a matter, marching into it again and again -- that leads to unhealthy psychological issues. The genuine forgiveness of love's action provides the freedom to establish healthy boundaries. There's a caution to be aware of in establishing those healthy boundaries: a stark, soul-stripping revelation cradled in personal acceptance that a family relationship is hollow, lacking meaningful substance. And, this realization and acceptance is good. It is joy's re-calibration in how to love these blood-related members. And, sometimes, it is to genuinely love by discontinuing the harmful charade where the elephant in the room has been lovingly exorcised, like Joseph did. Like we can do, too.

Sounds like my mother-in-law. She always talks about me to my oldest son telling him how his dad would get to travel if it weren't for me, blah, blah. Funny thing is, she would never have gotten a single card or present over the years if it weren't for me. Little does she realize that the reason I hate to travel is because her son is so miserable to travel with. He is an only child and we joke that she thinks he was born in a manger and was perfect until he married me.

Honestly, I don't give a rat's butt what she thinks or says. She's as sweet as she can be to my face, but I know what she really thinks. So, I will, of course, see that she is taken care of as she declines in health, etc., and if she only knew, it's a good thing it isn't left up to her son to do anything.

Oh, and BTW, you need to tell your brother to take over her care and get out while you can and live your own life. Don't put up with bullying.

Time to hit the road, as this little glimpse reveals plenty not favorable. If resources permit it, I would gather my things and settle somewhere else. The old adage: “better alone than in bad company” has served me well. The reality of it all is that the title of family has very little to do with the quality of its members, brother against brother, wife against husband, grudges and ill feelings, etc. There are places where you feel part, where love reigns above all else, and then there are even mansions where no one feels welcome, or safe. Mama has a mean streak, likes to stir the pot in negative ways, does not acknowledge efforts performed in her behalf? If she can spread trash then she is in fighting shape, not the nicest of company. Assuming you are indeed the aggrieved party, do not let anyone deter you from the path of righteousness. Being right is only half the battle in these cases, bye bye birdie the other half. Best of everything.

THIS is why we do what we do because the dementia and Alzheimers and what have to makes them into a whole different someone we never knew or would care to know... just remember her as she was when you looked UP to her and forgive her at Christmastime--- as Jesus said so perfectly as HE died on the cross for her sins as well as all of us--- that they know NOT what they do. And they really don't. SO--- surprise her and bring her some really nice flowers and a box of chocolates and make her favorite herb tea. And put a genuine Smile on your face and just be the you -- you really are. And remember the rest of your family could not do this in a million years... pride goeth... and goeth. Be well this Christmas-- remember Baby Jesus-- remember how your grandparents loved you and how kind they were and are. And privately---Give up your ashes for that Beauty ! You'll be surprised... and JOY will fill your heart.