Wondering about giving up my job at 25 to take care of my sick parents. Any advice?

I'm going to convey a few words I wish someone had told me 25 years ago. You and your brother are stepping up to the plate, the rest will be going on with their lives. They may not even drop off a casserole, much less sit with someone who can't be left alone so the other can get a haircut. So ignore their criticisms, don't get wordy with explanations that they can try to pick apart, just let them know that your family will make decisions that are best for the 4 of you. My new mantra is when you don't have skin in the game, you don't get to call any plays. Good luck, kiddo.

Thank you for all of the thoughts. It is nice to hear others say it is OK for me to go ahead and have my own life. It is definitely my extended family and parent's friends who think I should give it all up to stay in Florida. I work seasonally leading guided trips and education programs in the mountains, and teach alpine skiing in the winter, so I literally would have to find a new career path if I were to move to Florida, which I think is what made me the most sad...because I LOVE my job. Right now I think I will just take this summer off and help my parents explore more options. I really appreciate all of your advice!

How are you going to get paid? You need health insurance and living expenses and vacations and your own food and car, etc.

I am 60. Your folks aren't even eligible to collect life Soc. Sec., yet. Are they on disability? That might be the first step. What is their plan?

No, you should not take on this responsibility. My daughter is 25 and I wouldn't even allow it.

Keep saying "I couldn't possibly do that. No." If they can get into assisted living, that would help. But, it is costly.

You've gotten some sound advice - I have one thing to say about the people who think this is the right thing to do. Many of us have had the peanut gallery second guessing and criticizing. But these people don't help you - the burden is fully upon you. Your decisions impact your life and your brother's, not the extended family and your parents' friends. So you make the best decision for you and your family based on what you can do, what you know.

I have been taking care of my Mother for two years without any support from my sisters. The only support I get is from my brother you may find that other siblings is more concerned about there house and money rather then the health of your parents. That is what I have encountered don't expect them to visit for long I have one sibling that lives across the street and only comes over 1 every two week and that is only to find out what is goint on. Get help at least 4 hours a day or else you will go crazy staying in the house everyday. I had to give up all socializing and working due to the fact my mother has several health issures and can't be alone at all. Also don't expect any credit from family members exspecially then ones that have financial interest. It is a big commitment believe me I have been living it for about 2.5 years but if the savings is low there is always a program called a reverse morgage where you can take money out the house to pay for health care workers. God Bless and I hope things work out.

Your parents' choice to give up their lives to care for their parents doesn't put you under any obligation to care for them. Neither does the opinion of the people who are telling you that it's the right thing to do.
I was your age and recently out of college when my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer so I understand what you are going through. I worked full-time while taking care of her with the help of my father and private nurses and I don't regret it one bit. However, my situation was different from yours in that my mother was terminally ill and my care-giving lasted for eighteen months. Yours may last for decades.
I strongly suggest you and your brother explore all the options available before making a decision. I can't imagine any parents who would insist on their child doing what you're considering doing, just because they did it, or because "people" expect it of you.
Do you really want to be fifty years old, with no employment experience, no savings and all alone (because full-time caregivers don't tend to have much time for a glittering social life?) The people who are telling you now that you owe it to your parents to devote yourself to caring for them will either have died by then or lost interest.
Seriously, I don't think you should do it.

Read everything above 2 or 3 times and then make the decision to build your own life. I cannot imagine the parent that would want their young adult children to sacrifice their own future to stay home and be a caregiver. You can live close by, visit, advocate for them but 24/7 give up your life and watch the world pass you by...NO WAY!

Contact their doctor and request in-home services evaluation. There are lots of options out there, it just takes time to get it all together.

You and your brother sound like kiddos to be very proud of under any circumstance. Best of luck to you both!

If you give up your life you WILL resent them. Very sad their health is poor, this early in life, you should nt be the one to pay the tab for that at the expense of dedicating your life entire to them. I am not suggesting you walk away. I suggest you look into whatever you can for resources, placement would be best, if they qualify. Live and work closeby, visit often. If in a facility someone else does the custodial part of caregiving, you can drop by often with cheer and love and just be the daughter.
You are young, learn that compromise is crucial in any relationship and in a successful life. Throwing yourself on the sword for this problem will only create 3 people in misery.
I was your age when I chose a major I was not crazy about, because it had high earning and employment potential. My priorities were to be paid well and be able to find a job close to my dad. I hated my first job, but it paid for my masters, I passed up promotions that required transfers, and found other opportunities. I and launched a successful career I have enjoyed and am grateful for. When my dad really needed me later in life, I was able to respond tenfold from a position of love and strength and financial security.

Allow yourself to grow, learn to compromise, always look to strengthen your position in life.

Best of luck to you.

L

Here's my 2 cents...

I have to children 23 & 26...Both are college graduates. My husband and I are very proud of their accomplishments and raised them to be independent.

There is no way I would want them to take care if us..

Who is "everyone" that tells you it is the right thing to do? It can't be your own piers? I assume it's other older family who don't want to take own the responsibility themselves..

Call your local Elder Affairs, talk with their doctors. You need to find either home care or placement for them. That's the right thing to do. Not give up your life..If you feel you need to be near them then do so, but get a job in FLA. Continue your education whatever, but put your life first. That's what any parent should want for their children..

Bookluvr gave a wonderful answer - please listen to her! There's nothing wrong with moving near your parents to help them out. But you must keep your own life going and not become a slave to theirs. I'm 63 and can say there's no way I'd want my child to give up everything they had just started to build to take care of me. That's selfish beyond belief in my opinion.

Get your own job and place to live. Be there emotionally for them, help them organize outside help, but don't become the sole provider of assistance. There are ways they can get help from others - private pay if they have money, Medicaid if they don't. You don't have to give up your life in total service to them. It's not fair to you!

No. If you choose to do this, you will not have any money to retire on, you will not have a life, you will never find a wife, you will never have your own family, etc.

You say that you feel obligated because your parents gave up their lives to care for their parents. Really? They got married, had and raised two sons. One or both of them probably had a job and I guess that they have helped you and your brother pay for college.

Ski; I'm wondering if your parents' poor health has anything to do with their years of caregiving? Do they have the financial resources to hire help, or to go into a care center? Is the fact that they don't have resouces due to their taking care of their parents? This seems like it could be a vicious cycle. Help them get care but maintain bounderies and make a life for yourself.

Your parents are only age 60. There's still At Least another 25 years for them. You will be age 50. I do not foresee your brother hanging by helping you the next 25 years. If he finds a special person in his life, marries her, and have children - I do not see him putting his parents first in his life. That means you will end up caring for both of them by yourself. By the time they pass away, and you have done your daughterly duty, you will be age 50. With No Job experience. What's the likelihood of anyone hiring someone at that age with no work experience? Most likely you would fit in with health care since you would have practical experience. Again - most likely minimum wage. How will you survive Your old age? You won't have any social security or retirement funds to survive on?

If you feel you must be there for them because they did that for their parents, then by all means move back home or an apartment near their home. Find a part-time job because I promise you - this will be Your Sanity from the demands of caregiving. It's very important that their money is theirs and your money is yours. Do Not mix it up. Keep all receipts for when you use their money for bills, grocery or other shopping, etc....

I was age 23 when my mom got diagnosed with dementia. Due to my religious obligation (not the same religion with my family), I reluctantly stayed home to help dad with mom. I literally cried because i did not want to do it. That was 25 years ago. My mom just passed away last year. Dad is bedridden from a Mild stroke but he refused to do therapy to become normal.

In the years that I have stayed here, my father believes that it is My Duty to take care of them. I should Not go out with friends because I have Sick Parents at home. I should Not laugh on the phone with my friends/other family. If I find laughter with visiting relatives, he cruelly gets mad at me and embarrasses me in front of them. You see, because I stayed here all these years, he believes he owns me - a slave to Them. My job was and is my sanity. What my father tries to do is break my spirit. I refuse. My job, the people I meet, who tells me that I'm beautiful, or very pretty or a happy smile - these clients - builds me up where father had tried to tear me down.

So, Skibird, I wish for you to hop around this site. Read what other caregivers are facing daily. Go in with Open Eyes and be aware of what you are going to face. Come back if you have questions, and someone will help you with the answers. {{hugs}}

at your age i think you have forever to make up lost workplace experience. the decision rests with you as to whether its something you want to do . it sounds fortunate that you have a brother willing to help because caregiving is best done with teamwork . if your parents can cover the living expenses and possibly compensate you for lost wages ( pay your bills ) the caregiving could end up being one of the most rewarding excercises in self growth youll ever experience . life experience blows away booklearning every time as character building goes . imo