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Both of my parents are only 60 years old. However, my mom recently had a stroke and also fell and broke her hip, while my dad is suffering from severe congestive heart failure. They are basically unable to take care of day to day activities by themselves. I am only 25 years old with just 2 years of work experience out of college. My brother, who is 23, has already taken a year off of school to help take care of our parents. I am taking the summer off to move back to Florida from New Hampshire to help so my brother can finish school, however I am worried that this will turn into a much more long term commitment. I also feel obligated to take care of my parents, because they gave up their lives to take care of their parents. Everyone tells me that it is the right thing to do, but it is scary to think that at only 25 years old, I am giving up my entire life before it seemingly even starts. I do not have my own family to lean on for support, just my brother. I love my parents very much and want the very best for them. I was wondering if anyone out there was in a similar situation and had any advice!

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at your age i think you have forever to make up lost workplace experience. the decision rests with you as to whether its something you want to do . it sounds fortunate that you have a brother willing to help because caregiving is best done with teamwork . if your parents can cover the living expenses and possibly compensate you for lost wages ( pay your bills ) the caregiving could end up being one of the most rewarding excercises in self growth youll ever experience . life experience blows away booklearning every time as character building goes . imo
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Your parents are only age 60. There's still At Least another 25 years for them. You will be age 50. I do not foresee your brother hanging by helping you the next 25 years. If he finds a special person in his life, marries her, and have children - I do not see him putting his parents first in his life. That means you will end up caring for both of them by yourself. By the time they pass away, and you have done your daughterly duty, you will be age 50. With No Job experience. What's the likelihood of anyone hiring someone at that age with no work experience? Most likely you would fit in with health care since you would have practical experience. Again - most likely minimum wage. How will you survive Your old age? You won't have any social security or retirement funds to survive on?

If you feel you must be there for them because they did that for their parents, then by all means move back home or an apartment near their home. Find a part-time job because I promise you - this will be Your Sanity from the demands of caregiving. It's very important that their money is theirs and your money is yours. Do Not mix it up. Keep all receipts for when you use their money for bills, grocery or other shopping, etc....

I was age 23 when my mom got diagnosed with dementia. Due to my religious obligation (not the same religion with my family), I reluctantly stayed home to help dad with mom. I literally cried because i did not want to do it. That was 25 years ago. My mom just passed away last year. Dad is bedridden from a Mild stroke but he refused to do therapy to become normal.

In the years that I have stayed here, my father believes that it is My Duty to take care of them. I should Not go out with friends because I have Sick Parents at home. I should Not laugh on the phone with my friends/other family. If I find laughter with visiting relatives, he cruelly gets mad at me and embarrasses me in front of them. You see, because I stayed here all these years, he believes he owns me - a slave to Them. My job was and is my sanity. What my father tries to do is break my spirit. I refuse. My job, the people I meet, who tells me that I'm beautiful, or very pretty or a happy smile - these clients - builds me up where father had tried to tear me down.

So, Skibird, I wish for you to hop around this site. Read what other caregivers are facing daily. Go in with Open Eyes and be aware of what you are going to face. Come back if you have questions, and someone will help you with the answers. {{hugs}}
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Ski; I'm wondering if your parents' poor health has anything to do with their years of caregiving? Do they have the financial resources to hire help, or to go into a care center? Is the fact that they don't have resouces due to their taking care of their parents? This seems like it could be a vicious cycle. Help them get care but maintain bounderies and make a life for yourself.
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No. If you choose to do this, you will not have any money to retire on, you will not have a life, you will never find a wife, you will never have your own family, etc.

You say that you feel obligated because your parents gave up their lives to care for their parents. Really? They got married, had and raised two sons. One or both of them probably had a job and I guess that they have helped you and your brother pay for college.
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Bookluvr gave a wonderful answer - please listen to her! There's nothing wrong with moving near your parents to help them out. But you must keep your own life going and not become a slave to theirs. I'm 63 and can say there's no way I'd want my child to give up everything they had just started to build to take care of me. That's selfish beyond belief in my opinion.

Get your own job and place to live. Be there emotionally for them, help them organize outside help, but don't become the sole provider of assistance. There are ways they can get help from others - private pay if they have money, Medicaid if they don't. You don't have to give up your life in total service to them. It's not fair to you!
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Here's my 2 cents...

I have to children 23 & 26...Both are college graduates. My husband and I are very proud of their accomplishments and raised them to be independent.

There is no way I would want them to take care if us..

Who is "everyone" that tells you it is the right thing to do? It can't be your own piers? I assume it's other older family who don't want to take own the responsibility themselves..

Call your local Elder Affairs, talk with their doctors. You need to find either home care or placement for them. That's the right thing to do. Not give up your life..If you feel you need to be near them then do so, but get a job in FLA. Continue your education whatever, but put your life first. That's what any parent should want for their children..
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If you give up your life you WILL resent them. Very sad their health is poor, this early in life, you should nt be the one to pay the tab for that at the expense of dedicating your life entire to them. I am not suggesting you walk away. I suggest you look into whatever you can for resources, placement would be best, if they qualify. Live and work closeby, visit often. If in a facility someone else does the custodial part of caregiving, you can drop by often with cheer and love and just be the daughter.
You are young, learn that compromise is crucial in any relationship and in a successful life. Throwing yourself on the sword for this problem will only create 3 people in misery.
I was your age when I chose a major I was not crazy about, because it had high earning and employment potential. My priorities were to be paid well and be able to find a job close to my dad. I hated my first job, but it paid for my masters, I passed up promotions that required transfers, and found other opportunities. I and launched a successful career I have enjoyed and am grateful for. When my dad really needed me later in life, I was able to respond tenfold from a position of love and strength and financial security.

Allow yourself to grow, learn to compromise, always look to strengthen your position in life.

Best of luck to you.

L
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Read everything above 2 or 3 times and then make the decision to build your own life. I cannot imagine the parent that would want their young adult children to sacrifice their own future to stay home and be a caregiver. You can live close by, visit, advocate for them but 24/7 give up your life and watch the world pass you by...NO WAY!

Contact their doctor and request in-home services evaluation. There are lots of options out there, it just takes time to get it all together.

You and your brother sound like kiddos to be very proud of under any circumstance. Best of luck to you both!
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Your parents' choice to give up their lives to care for their parents doesn't put you under any obligation to care for them. Neither does the opinion of the people who are telling you that it's the right thing to do.
I was your age and recently out of college when my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer so I understand what you are going through. I worked full-time while taking care of her with the help of my father and private nurses and I don't regret it one bit. However, my situation was different from yours in that my mother was terminally ill and my care-giving lasted for eighteen months. Yours may last for decades.
I strongly suggest you and your brother explore all the options available before making a decision. I can't imagine any parents who would insist on their child doing what you're considering doing, just because they did it, or because "people" expect it of you.
Do you really want to be fifty years old, with no employment experience, no savings and all alone (because full-time caregivers don't tend to have much time for a glittering social life?) The people who are telling you now that you owe it to your parents to devote yourself to caring for them will either have died by then or lost interest.
Seriously, I don't think you should do it.
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I have been taking care of my Mother for two years without any support from my sisters. The only support I get is from my brother you may find that other siblings is more concerned about there house and money rather then the health of your parents. That is what I have encountered don't expect them to visit for long I have one sibling that lives across the street and only comes over 1 every two week and that is only to find out what is goint on. Get help at least 4 hours a day or else you will go crazy staying in the house everyday. I had to give up all socializing and working due to the fact my mother has several health issures and can't be alone at all. Also don't expect any credit from family members exspecially then ones that have financial interest. It is a big commitment believe me I have been living it for about 2.5 years but if the savings is low there is always a program called a reverse morgage where you can take money out the house to pay for health care workers. God Bless and I hope things work out.
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You've gotten some sound advice - I have one thing to say about the people who think this is the right thing to do. Many of us have had the peanut gallery second guessing and criticizing. But these people don't help you - the burden is fully upon you. Your decisions impact your life and your brother's, not the extended family and your parents' friends. So you make the best decision for you and your family based on what you can do, what you know.
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I am 60. Your folks aren't even eligible to collect life Soc. Sec., yet. Are they on disability? That might be the first step. What is their plan?

No, you should not take on this responsibility. My daughter is 25 and I wouldn't even allow it.

Keep saying "I couldn't possibly do that. No." If they can get into assisted living, that would help. But, it is costly.
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How are you going to get paid? You need health insurance and living expenses and vacations and your own food and car, etc.
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Thank you for all of the thoughts. It is nice to hear others say it is OK for me to go ahead and have my own life. It is definitely my extended family and parent's friends who think I should give it all up to stay in Florida. I work seasonally leading guided trips and education programs in the mountains, and teach alpine skiing in the winter, so I literally would have to find a new career path if I were to move to Florida, which I think is what made me the most sad...because I LOVE my job. Right now I think I will just take this summer off and help my parents explore more options. I really appreciate all of your advice!
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I'm going to convey a few words I wish someone had told me 25 years ago. You and your brother are stepping up to the plate, the rest will be going on with their lives. They may not even drop off a casserole, much less sit with someone who can't be left alone so the other can get a haircut. So ignore their criticisms, don't get wordy with explanations that they can try to pick apart, just let them know that your family will make decisions that are best for the 4 of you. My new mantra is when you don't have skin in the game, you don't get to call any plays. Good luck, kiddo.
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What Linda22 said.

If I may, I'd suggest you put a firm date on your return to the Northeast. Otherwise, taking the summer off just might turn into taking the fall off, too, and then the winter... Time has a way of slipping by, and a temporary arrangement can easily become permanent.
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I agree with Linda22. Many people say to me what a wonderful thing you are doing caring for your father, bla, bla bla...... Not one volunteer even to help out with ANYTHING! It may be the noble thing to do but not the right thing to do for you. I echo everyone's thought about what this step would mean for your life. Please explore all options available for your parents. You want the best care for them which most likely is not you.
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I agree with everyone else, I am older then you ( late 30's) never really worked, been jobless and have been taking care of my grandfather part-time, which is now full time. My dad is also dying ( at this point worse then my grandfather) and I am starting to care for him as well. I also have two kids , and my grandfather/father do not live under the same roof as your parents. And I still need a job!

My point is that as I agree that we should help our parents/ family , we should also help ourselves in order to help them. ( Im learning that from here!) I am burning out already...your so young,go when you can, but keep what you love ( jobs are hard to come by and esp if you love what your doing). You can see what financial help your parents qualify for caregivers, and other programs.

Good luck :)
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Skibird920, here's something to think about.... what if your parents had no children? What would they be doing to care for themselves?

Whenever my parents say to me "what would we do without you?", I usually reply, "you'd be doing what I will have to do when I get your age, hire someone".

I have no children, and if I did, I would find a way to care for myself without bothering them.
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This is a hard situation you aRe in. You are obviously a very caring person. I lived with my parents and helped my dad with my mom for 10 years and now he is 87. I am 57 and my parents would never have wanted or allowed me to give up my life at 25 to care for them. I have kept my full time job, with good benefits, retirement and summers off. My situation is win:win. With all the services our Country has to provide shelter and food, it isn't your responsibility to be a caretaker. Your job is to be independent and responsible for your life, and to love your parents, forgive them and be grateful. Good things will follow for all of you if you have faith. Your greatest earning and education is now. In Silicon. Valley, you are too old for a good job at 40. At 60, your parents might live another 30 years. If possible, move back to be near them when you finish school. Pray,pray, pray for guidance and have no regrets at whatever your decision is. Be responsible for the choices you make. Get support for you and use your time now to get them set up for services, care, etc for the rest of their life. Good luck. You found much good advise, the decision is up to you.
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Consider having your parents move near you in New Hampshire rather than you move to Florida, especially since you love your job and have made a life for yourself there. This option gives you the opportunity to keep the life you love and help your parents too.

I am a Caregiver Coordinator with Aging Services. Please call your local Area Agency on Aging in New Hampshire for options as far as in-home care, senior housing (not necessarily long-term care facilities), and other social services and activities available for your parents. Like this forum, it's always good to gather as much information as possible before making such a life-changing decision.

Good luck!
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DON'T DO IT!!! Like someone has said on a previous post/similar topic (I am paraphrasing here), "Children are not an insurance policy for old age." PLEASE DON'T sacrifice your life which is what you will be doing.
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Don't do it.
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Oh please, please think carefully before you do this. There are MANY good reasons already stated why you should not do this, but consider this - because you are a dedicated, loving and responsible daughter does not mean you are the best person to be their full time caregivers. That is NO reflection on your talents, wishes, desires or love for your parents, it simply means that care giving isn't the right thing for everyone. From what I see above, you will always remain active and involved in the care of your folks, but I fail to see how that giving up your job, career and very future will benefit ANY of you. Take it from a daughter (and only child) and social worker (22 yrs experience in elder care) - we aren't always the best caregivers for our parents. For anyone's sake. God bless you, your heart is loving and servant no doubt. It may be emotionally harder for you in some ways not to give up your life and care for them full time, but it is the most loving decision to enlist the right people to be care givers for them. Again, this is NOT a reflection on you - it's just fact!
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Please don't do it! You are giving up your own future and if your parents are in their right minds they would not ask you to do it and would refuse to even allow you to offer it! If they are asking for you to give up everything to care for them it's likely because they are so absorbed in their own health problems that they cannot think logically about what they're asking. The frail elderly often become very toddler-like in their focus on themselves. They still love their family, but can't think past their own needs.

25 is a critical age in getting on a good path with your career.

Don't fall prey to that nonsense about "we took care of our parents in the olden days." Ridiculous!! First of all, plenty of families chose nursing homes for their relatives (they were a lot less expensive back then because very little medical intervention was expected) and the families who did take care of their elderly relatives at home had a middle-aged, non-working woman available to care for them (and even then, most - like my grandmother - would tell you that it was a bad situation that they wouldn't recommend to anyone). How many 'stay-at-home moms' of grown children are there today??
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I am 56 and have only been taking care of my 85 year old parents for one year and I'm exhausted. Get as much outside help as possible and love them, but don't give up your one and only life.
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I believe that littletonway (above) gave you an excellent answer. First of all, many people a lot older than your mom have had strokes and, with proper professional (medical) therapy, can recover to full functionality--or close to it. As for the hip, I am 69 years old and had a full hip replacement surgery 14 days ago. I was walking that same afternoon--walked a lot more the next day without assistance--went home on the next day and sent shopping for groceries driving. I also care for my 94 year old mother. This is a HARD HARD task. There are no "vacations." For two years my life has been highly restricted. I have to be "on deck" for her breakfast, lunch and dinner. I cannot understand why you would even consider leaving your job and your future behind you. Not only that, but unless your parents are wildly wealthy, how would you handle expenses (yours and theirs). I think the BEST option for you AND for your parents is for them to have professional care. If the doctor cannot offer you help or resources, then call your local social services agency or senior center in your area...and start asking for help for them. Simply tell them you cannot take on this job. If they have a lot of money, then the state or whomever helps them will be charging their estate. Once the money runs out they will be put on medicaid. A reverse mortgage, under the right circumstances, might also be of help. As for your brother, he was great to jump in and help--But now it is time for BOTH of you to work together to set up a professional arrangement for mom and dad. Keep in mind a lot of religious groups operate wonderful institutions...the Lutherans, Episcopalians, Jews, Catholics, Presbyterians, 7th Day Adventists (and others) are well known and highly regarded in this area of their ministries. Good luck, dear...but even me--at 69--would not want my 48 year old daughter to drop her life for me. I did not bring her to the world to be my caregiver. Overseeing a temporary or long-term illness is best left to the pros. Live your life and be happy, both of you... (I cannot believe your parents would WANT you to give up your life for an undetermined future.)
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I agree with all of the above - you are way to young to do this and you do deserve to have a life of your own while still assisting - see I said assisting with her parents. There are other options depending on their financial situation. Get with a elder care attorney or advocate, not just a regular attorney. We did it and it was worth it. Spend a little and save your parents a lot in the end.
My Dad has scrimped and saved for years and one illness almost took it all away. I am 53 and while I do a lot - you cannot do it all !!!
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I have to try to put myself in your parents shoes. I have two sons who are college grads. I would never ask them to put their life on hold to care for me. As a parent, we want to see our child succeed and spread their wings. I never want them to resent me for anything. I admire your brother for doing a year. Call their doctor, look into assisted living, call senior services at their health dept for advice. There is a lot you can do long distance if relocating right now isn't possible. Get going and their advocate, not their 24/7 caregiver
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My wife did move home to take care of her parents her father passed away within a few short years. her mother is still living and needs 24 hour care, and has my wife believing that it is her of to take care of her. My wife has very little t for retirement because she has spent the last 20 plus tears taking care of her mom. we should help take care of our parents but when it becomes a harm to your health other avenues should be looked into.
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