Wondering about giving up my job at 25 to take care of my sick parents. Any advice?

They are still very young to be so unhealthy. I don't want to assume they've made bad health choices to be suffering like this but if that's the case stop the madness and learn from this to choose a healthy lifestyle. If they haven't then I hope they can get better. I would recommend they watch the documentary "fat,sick and nearly dead." It could be life changing for them and you.
I'm nearing their age and I'd rather see my kids and grandkids thrive in their lives than give it all up to help me. Please call frequently, visi when you can, pray without ceasing, and let them work it out .

Skibird, it's been a year since your wrote the original post.... if you are still on-line here, what did you finally do?

I do understand you love them and want to be there for them. It is a huge dilemma, more difficult because they are not yet 65 and most likely do not qualify for invaluable senior's benefits from government programs or other.

I suggest they move to assisted living quarters , what one may call a senior's lodge, but there are lodges that are 55+. Assisted living places have round the clock medical care on hand, ensure their meds are taken at the right times, make sure they get exercise, ensure they are eating 3 squares a day of nutritious food and bring a doctor to them on a regular basis. Some places have a resident doctor.
The clients' units can be one, two, or three rooms and some come with kitchenettes.

Set a goal and research it determinedly. Don't let yourself get discouraged. Keep
looking and calling, asking for referrals or suggestion on where you can get the help.
It will take a while to mold a plan for them, maybe 2 or 3 months unless you hit upon a solution earlier on. After all is said and done, you will be relieved at how well everything turned out and you can go on with your own life, of course visiting often.

Don't do it!!

I just read over Minipati's things and noticed he/she lives in CA. The traditions talked about were from years ago. Women in the developed countries work outside the home now and are very important in the economies of countries such as China and Japan. There are new elder laws in place now. True, there are countries in Asia and the mideast that consider women to be more lowly than animals, but I don't think we should model anything on what these countries do.

Carla, or China's "one child policy rule" which began in 1980 and has backfired terribly because now there are 100 million more single young males than single young females....

As that one child got older, that one adult child was left with having to provide support for his/her two parents and four grandparents without any help from siblings.... since there are no aunts or uncles, there would also be no cousins to help that one grown child out.

At least the policy has been changed recently where if one aging parent is an only child, then that grown child can have two children.

cmagnum - I wondered the same thing about minipati. But I also had other issues with using the Asian traditions as the standard to measure everybody else. As minipati described, the adult child who gives up their career to take care of the parents will in turn be supported by the adult children who do continue their careers. The whole family is in it together. I just can't imagine that happening here, as a general rule. Here, the caregiver is in it alone. The remaining siblings often feel no obligation to help with the parent, and certainly can't be relied upon to take care of the caregiving sibling if he or she becomes indigent.

We don't live in a culture where the family or community are paramount and individual desires are subordinated to the greater good. We live in a society where each person is expected to take care of himself or herself. So if we accept the caregiving role, we do so knowing that nobody is going to bail us out if we give up our income, our savings, our health benefits, whatever. That makes a huge difference.

Then too, of course, the fact that another culture, or specifically an Asian culture, follows a given practice is not necessarily an endorsement of said practice. Footbinding, anyone?

Minipati,

I find it interesting that someone who cares for their father, living at independent living is so quick to tell others that they are being selfish or should quit their careers.

What have you given up?

Need to follow and post something later.

If ski is still around, hopefully she is not, I would like to hear what was decided. Hopefully, Ski, you are living YOUR life!

Just FYI, the original post is more than a year old.

Skibird, I'm wondering what you decided to do. Reading these posts, I found myself wondering if your parents ' poor health at such an early age was caused by their caring for their elderly parents without the training to do so. Not to mention that caring full time for ONE person requires three shifts of caregivers.

I suggest you give up your career and take care of your aging parents. In Asia, this is what we all do. This is not even a discussion. I am amazed that many people are so selfish to put their own economic consideration before taking care of parents. Your brother and you should both help, but even if he were to get married, his wife should be there to help take care of his parents and their young children. In Asia, this is quite normal. Your situation is not even out of the ordinary, and it is more the norm than it is not. If you went to China, Japan, Korea, Thailand and you asked this question, everyone will tell you it is a no brainer that you should take care of your parents. Your reduced marketability in the job market may mean you will never get a job in management as you will have to divide your time to help. I will give you actual scenarios where I know of an Asian family that faced your situation, so that you could learn from this.

Situation 1: First scenario is of a Singaporean-Canadian family. The grandmother is 85 years old living in Singapore. The father gave up his career in Canada to take care of his aging parents. The father is 64 years old and his new Vietnamese wife is 34 years old. The father and his new wife were taking care of grandmother initially without asking his son for help as he had to establish his career in the film industry as a set decorator until he was able to gain union membership. The father and wife wanted to be spelled off as taking care of elderly is a full time job. Initially, the couple owned a cleaning company but could not manage to work the contracts as taking care of his mother took full time as she has Alzheimer's. The son works making $100k a year being single in Canada. Initially, he decided to let his father and his new wife reduce the number of contracts they needed to work so that they could spend more time taking care of grandmother. (Just to add the son is the breadwinner of the family here) The father and his wife told him that since he does not have to work 12 months of the year if he doesn't want to, and can work shows that go for 6 months if he wanted to, that he only work half the year making $50,000 or so which is more than enough for a single person, and spend the other 6 months in Singapore. The son will continue to make this sacrifice until grandmother passes away. He cannot stay for the whole time because the father and his wife makes less income with their cleaning business than the son does as a set decorator.

Scenario 2: Japanese Canadian family giving up their previous careers to take care of aging father and grandparents. In this scenario, the son worked in the Alberta oil sands making $95k per year. While the oil sands job can be seasonal, his position required him to be fully committed to continue working there. He was not able to just work whenever he felt like the person in the first scenario. He had to actually give up his job to move back to Kyoto. There, he had to take a job as an English teacher making $30,000 year, making not even a third of what he used to (of course, he only had to also work less hours than he used to in Alberta working only part time) so that he could take care of his family. In Japan, the aging population is so bad that in some districts, the waitlist to place them in an old folks home is so great that if they have surviving children it is impossible. Unlike in Canada or the USA, in Japan, the country expects the children to be financially responsible to take care of their aging parents. Of course teaching English for $30,000 a year is not going to be enough to feed all four of them, so they decided to make the most of their homebound situation. I think you could actually use this situation yourself. They decided to start up an AirB&B business. Now it is not a quick easy money situation, and it did not make them rich by any means. It gave them another $25,000 a year to get by. It did not replace the son's previous wage in Alberta even with both sources of income combined. The family of 4 is lucky if they could get half. But what it did do was enable him to take care of his grandparents and his father who need him at home by using the home to generate him income. What you can do is while you take care of your parents at the age of 25, you run a bed and breakfast at your place so you make that your job. It won't replace what you made working but it will at least cushion the blow. Another thing you can do with your brother is mechanical turk where you do a task and get paid whenever you are free. For those who have only pockets of free time this is a good thing to do.

But please do NOT let your parents down over $$$. Taking care of your parents is never about venture capital. If money were first priority we would all be better off not having kids and working two full time jobs and pay off our homes in fraction of the time. But then what is life? We don't all do this because family is more important than money. We work to live, not live to work. You may see some families working two full time jobs being cheap but the reality is they do this to work as a family. In some families where there are more siblings than two, one will stay home to take care of the home, while the other siblings will all pool in their money and support the parents. As in the case of the Singaporean set decorator, he had no siblings. Had he had siblings who let say worked a job at Starbucks or some retail job, he told me that he would have sent them to Singapore, and sent over the money to support their brother or sister. If the brother or sister became too old to establish a career as a result of looking after the family, in this case, he would have sent financial aid recognizing he made the sacrifice and could not get a job past minimum wage. When I learned about this, I learned to not judge people just because they might be working at Starbucks at the age of 45. They might have done the right thing.

Isabella49, oh my gosh, your parents sound almost exactly like my parents [92 and 96] who are both becoming quite frail but refuse to see that is happening to themselves... still living in their own big home.... and that darn heat, I can't stay more then 10 minutes, it's like walking into a giant hot flash.... and they refuse to go a local retirement community which is like a 5-start resort.... and NO strangers are allowed in their house, like what is up with that???

I found my mistake was catering to them starting 5 years ago, and now I am trying to back off and trying to tell my parents I am getting too old to help them out, I can barely take care of myself. But since I am still working at 68, they think I can still do everything.... but at work I sit at a desk in front of a computer, I am not doing physical labor, stuff my parents need help with. I tell you, work is my sanity, so don't retire unless you absolutely have to.

I don't know why our parents have such a hard time with us trying to get them home care. My mom is 96 and dad is 91. They live by themselves, but they are getting to frail to be by themselves. Both my sister and I are married and are in our 60s and have our own ails here and there. I am still working and will be retiring in another year, but in the meantime I can only go and help them out on the weekends, my sister takes care of them during the week. It was suggested to us that someone needs to stay with them in the evenings, but my parents suffer from the cold and their temperature is set to 80, in the winter and summer, so it is really hard to stay there and dad is up all nights walking the house and turning the lights on. I have to get up at 5:00 in the mornings and need to get my sleep. We have suggested get professional help to stay with them in the evenings, or a couple of hours during the day, an hour a day just to make breakfast for them, anything, but they refuse. They don't want any strangers in their house. So it is up to my sister and I to try to help them as much as possible.

My wife did move home to take care of her parents her father passed away within a few short years. her mother is still living and needs 24 hour care, and has my wife believing that it is her of to take care of her. My wife has very little t for retirement because she has spent the last 20 plus tears taking care of her mom. we should help take care of our parents but when it becomes a harm to your health other avenues should be looked into.

I have to try to put myself in your parents shoes. I have two sons who are college grads. I would never ask them to put their life on hold to care for me. As a parent, we want to see our child succeed and spread their wings. I never want them to resent me for anything. I admire your brother for doing a year. Call their doctor, look into assisted living, call senior services at their health dept for advice. There is a lot you can do long distance if relocating right now isn't possible. Get going and their advocate, not their 24/7 caregiver

I agree with all of the above - you are way to young to do this and you do deserve to have a life of your own while still assisting - see I said assisting with her parents. There are other options depending on their financial situation. Get with a elder care attorney or advocate, not just a regular attorney. We did it and it was worth it. Spend a little and save your parents a lot in the end.
My Dad has scrimped and saved for years and one illness almost took it all away. I am 53 and while I do a lot - you cannot do it all !!!

I believe that littletonway (above) gave you an excellent answer. First of all, many people a lot older than your mom have had strokes and, with proper professional (medical) therapy, can recover to full functionality--or close to it. As for the hip, I am 69 years old and had a full hip replacement surgery 14 days ago. I was walking that same afternoon--walked a lot more the next day without assistance--went home on the next day and sent shopping for groceries driving. I also care for my 94 year old mother. This is a HARD HARD task. There are no "vacations." For two years my life has been highly restricted. I have to be "on deck" for her breakfast, lunch and dinner. I cannot understand why you would even consider leaving your job and your future behind you. Not only that, but unless your parents are wildly wealthy, how would you handle expenses (yours and theirs). I think the BEST option for you AND for your parents is for them to have professional care. If the doctor cannot offer you help or resources, then call your local social services agency or senior center in your area...and start asking for help for them. Simply tell them you cannot take on this job. If they have a lot of money, then the state or whomever helps them will be charging their estate. Once the money runs out they will be put on medicaid. A reverse mortgage, under the right circumstances, might also be of help. As for your brother, he was great to jump in and help--But now it is time for BOTH of you to work together to set up a professional arrangement for mom and dad. Keep in mind a lot of religious groups operate wonderful institutions...the Lutherans, Episcopalians, Jews, Catholics, Presbyterians, 7th Day Adventists (and others) are well known and highly regarded in this area of their ministries. Good luck, dear...but even me--at 69--would not want my 48 year old daughter to drop her life for me. I did not bring her to the world to be my caregiver. Overseeing a temporary or long-term illness is best left to the pros. Live your life and be happy, both of you... (I cannot believe your parents would WANT you to give up your life for an undetermined future.)

I am 56 and have only been taking care of my 85 year old parents for one year and I'm exhausted. Get as much outside help as possible and love them, but don't give up your one and only life.

Please don't do it! You are giving up your own future and if your parents are in their right minds they would not ask you to do it and would refuse to even allow you to offer it! If they are asking for you to give up everything to care for them it's likely because they are so absorbed in their own health problems that they cannot think logically about what they're asking. The frail elderly often become very toddler-like in their focus on themselves. They still love their family, but can't think past their own needs.

25 is a critical age in getting on a good path with your career.

Don't fall prey to that nonsense about "we took care of our parents in the olden days." Ridiculous!! First of all, plenty of families chose nursing homes for their relatives (they were a lot less expensive back then because very little medical intervention was expected) and the families who did take care of their elderly relatives at home had a middle-aged, non-working woman available to care for them (and even then, most - like my grandmother - would tell you that it was a bad situation that they wouldn't recommend to anyone). How many 'stay-at-home moms' of grown children are there today??

Oh please, please think carefully before you do this. There are MANY good reasons already stated why you should not do this, but consider this - because you are a dedicated, loving and responsible daughter does not mean you are the best person to be their full time caregivers. That is NO reflection on your talents, wishes, desires or love for your parents, it simply means that care giving isn't the right thing for everyone. From what I see above, you will always remain active and involved in the care of your folks, but I fail to see how that giving up your job, career and very future will benefit ANY of you. Take it from a daughter (and only child) and social worker (22 yrs experience in elder care) - we aren't always the best caregivers for our parents. For anyone's sake. God bless you, your heart is loving and servant no doubt. It may be emotionally harder for you in some ways not to give up your life and care for them full time, but it is the most loving decision to enlist the right people to be care givers for them. Again, this is NOT a reflection on you - it's just fact!

Don't do it.

DON'T DO IT!!! Like someone has said on a previous post/similar topic (I am paraphrasing here), "Children are not an insurance policy for old age." PLEASE DON'T sacrifice your life which is what you will be doing.

Consider having your parents move near you in New Hampshire rather than you move to Florida, especially since you love your job and have made a life for yourself there. This option gives you the opportunity to keep the life you love and help your parents too.

I am a Caregiver Coordinator with Aging Services. Please call your local Area Agency on Aging in New Hampshire for options as far as in-home care, senior housing (not necessarily long-term care facilities), and other social services and activities available for your parents. Like this forum, it's always good to gather as much information as possible before making such a life-changing decision.

Good luck!

This is a hard situation you aRe in. You are obviously a very caring person. I lived with my parents and helped my dad with my mom for 10 years and now he is 87. I am 57 and my parents would never have wanted or allowed me to give up my life at 25 to care for them. I have kept my full time job, with good benefits, retirement and summers off. My situation is win:win. With all the services our Country has to provide shelter and food, it isn't your responsibility to be a caretaker. Your job is to be independent and responsible for your life, and to love your parents, forgive them and be grateful. Good things will follow for all of you if you have faith. Your greatest earning and education is now. In Silicon. Valley, you are too old for a good job at 40. At 60, your parents might live another 30 years. If possible, move back to be near them when you finish school. Pray,pray, pray for guidance and have no regrets at whatever your decision is. Be responsible for the choices you make. Get support for you and use your time now to get them set up for services, care, etc for the rest of their life. Good luck. You found much good advise, the decision is up to you.

Skibird920, here's something to think about.... what if your parents had no children? What would they be doing to care for themselves?

Whenever my parents say to me "what would we do without you?", I usually reply, "you'd be doing what I will have to do when I get your age, hire someone".

I have no children, and if I did, I would find a way to care for myself without bothering them.

I agree with everyone else, I am older then you ( late 30's) never really worked, been jobless and have been taking care of my grandfather part-time, which is now full time. My dad is also dying ( at this point worse then my grandfather) and I am starting to care for him as well. I also have two kids , and my grandfather/father do not live under the same roof as your parents. And I still need a job!

My point is that as I agree that we should help our parents/ family , we should also help ourselves in order to help them. ( Im learning that from here!) I am burning out already...your so young,go when you can, but keep what you love ( jobs are hard to come by and esp if you love what your doing). You can see what financial help your parents qualify for caregivers, and other programs.

Good luck :)

I agree with Linda22. Many people say to me what a wonderful thing you are doing caring for your father, bla, bla bla...... Not one volunteer even to help out with ANYTHING! It may be the noble thing to do but not the right thing to do for you. I echo everyone's thought about what this step would mean for your life. Please explore all options available for your parents. You want the best care for them which most likely is not you.

What Linda22 said.

If I may, I'd suggest you put a firm date on your return to the Northeast. Otherwise, taking the summer off just might turn into taking the fall off, too, and then the winter... Time has a way of slipping by, and a temporary arrangement can easily become permanent.