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My Mother died 5 years ago after a long illness that drained both me and my father of a certain amount of emotional strength. 3 years ago my 75-year old father took up with a 61-year-old, penniless woman he met at his yacht-club bar (after going thru 3 - that I know of - similar women at same bar), and has since began & developed a twisted, sexually-based, emotionally sadomasochistic relationship with her that has this past month spiraled into the depths. It would be almost funny if it wasn't so serious. I have cried myself to sleep almost every night since then from my remote motel room (I work on the road). My dying mother promised me (an only child) a good deal of inheritance that they both worked to build as an estate -- we are/were all hard-working engineer-types. Over the 3 years I have stood by (in and around my various stints on the road) and watched this conniving woman take mortar and brick out of this promise, one by one. I kept my mouth shut and even endured her zingers to my face about my career and roadie lifestyle (behind his back, naturally) for these 3 years -- I watched the new expensive car, the endless expensive meals out (I do not exaggerate, often with her friends and family included on his tab), the European vacation, the apartment of her own because she couldn't afford the rent (actually, her roommate also probably didn't like the drinking/sex nights), and now the inevitable -- the she couldn't afford the rent anymore on her place and moved in with him. She now complains her back hurts from her nursery-school job ( = her health is poor from excessive eating & drinking) and I know quitting her job and spending both his & Mom's SS (then marriage) is next.

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I have 2 different thoughts:

1. You can go to court to and have your Dad legally declared incompetent.

2. It's Dad's money not your inheritance..He can spend it as he wants on who he wants...
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Sounds like dad had a rough last 5 years as well and knows that at his age, he may not have much left. Maybe he dcided to put the petal to the metal and live large for a bit]. If he went through 3 such ladies, it sounds like he was looking for this, he is no innnocent. Also, he is with her for 3 years, so this is a relationship, not a passing indiscretion.
Sorry, you do not get a vote in whom dad sees, or how he spends his money. He has the right to spend it. Whatever is left over will be your inheritance, unless he sees fit to provide for someone else instead.
Deathbed promises are emotional, caring and loving, but not legally binding.
Think fondly of your mother and be grateful dad is happy and has a life and is not sucking the air out of yours by wanting constant attention.
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On topic, this is the thanks my father gave me for ending one of my contract jobs recently to re-locate back to the "family" home to care for him during his knee-replacement in time for his self-absorbed ski trip. (Then, of course, when healed, off the pain meds and mobile again, encouraged to miraculously find an instant, available, well-paying contract job again and kindly exit left again so he can carry on with his exhaustive antics..) My husband is still mad at me - tired of lifting our things in/out of our tiring old van. This website is a lifesaver; I feel so unimportant and alienated, I recently broke into hives.
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That you don't like this woman won't hold much water with your dad as it's been several years now and he seems to have no intention of ending his relationship. And I have to agree with the others, it's his money to with as he pleases. Of course you don't want someone taking advantage of him but it sounds like he's having a good time and is happy. It's very difficult to protect someone from themselves.
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Thanks, yes. That is why I finally got up the nerve to try and convince him that now is the time to hand over my trust fund (started by my mother a long time ago). He seems bewildered and hurt, but has agreed. I know she will try and distract him from this task, overtly because she despises me, and more subtly because the longer she can distract his addled mind, the better the chance she can concoct a way to get at this trust, this trust my Mom set up for me.
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Thanks everyone -- do keep your tough love coming -- it is motivating me to do what I CAN do for myself, without shame. Then, I can concentrate on caring & communicating with him on an equal level.
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From what I read your dad is spending money on what he enjoys, has a s*x life again and is having a blast. You don't want him to enjoy his last years at the expense of your inheritance?

Back off, let the girlfriend care for him when he's sick, keep in touch and enjoy him when you visit. Your husband should be your main priority. If this continues you will probably lose him to someone who's prepared to be home, not always on the road, and isn't obsessed with an inheritance. Only you can decide where your priorities lie.
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It is obvious that you are challenged by this woman and her influence on your Dad. Your comments show you are greatly concerned about the money and I"m sure you must also be concerned about your Dad's emotional and physical well being. Is your Dad happy with this woman? Does he have some of his spark back in his life? Does she take care of him in any way besides sex? It's hard to imagine that someone we don't like, could make someone we love happy. I hope you can see beyond the money he is spending on her and wish him the best in that relationship. As for your trust fund, it sounds like your dad is willing to give it to you.. so you'll have what your mother intended. Good luck to you...
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Thank you, yes folks out there. I did need to do this, because I would LIKE to finally get off the road (am tired of it), use the trust money to help me settle down into that all-elusive thing in my profession: a perm job. THEN I can relax and also do a better, more reliable 2nd job of helping him, with or without her.
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Just encourage dad to set up a family trust to ensure his wishes for family are fulfilled. If dad is agreeable, this can stop gold digging. If he isn't, well dragging him into a state run incompetency hearing will do more harm than good. New wife will get the poa- you can't accuse someone based on assumption. Good luck
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At 61, my father married a woman ten years younger, wife #3. Both my sisters were highly suspicious. They married. My sisters both moved far away. #3 had expensive taste, liked to spend Friday night at the country club, gave too much money to her own kids, liked furs and diamonds and got them.
My father was deliriously happy, wife #3 was a twin for Grace Kelly, with grace and charm that turned every man's head when she entered the room. For twenty five years she made sure that 3 meals a day were promptly on time, the shirts were ironed, his underwear was spotless and his coffee was hot. She was not a good nurse, too squeamish, not fond of grandchildren racing around, but she was intelligent and articulate. They would argue. She would win.
At age 83 my father dropped dead. I pulled out his Will. She was terrified, and I told her "It's all yours. You get everything." As it should be.
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If Mom set up your trust legally there is probably nothing Ms Bimbo can do to get her hands on that.
Marriage could be next but that may not be in her best interests. if he is running up credit card bills to pay for her every desire she certainly does not want to be responsible for any debt when he's gone.
How do you know about this sadomasochistic relationship and excessive sex.? Has Dad told you? does she drop hints or do you have a very fertile imagination?
Quit crying yourself to sleep and start being realistic.
You have absolutely no right to interfere in your father's life. Does dad enjpy the luxurious food and drink or does he just pay the bill and take a can of Ensure along for himself? How about the European vacation. did he and Mom ever take one or were they too busy saving for the "future" Fat lot of good that did your Mom.
Dad worked hard for his money and it is HIS money so quit being jealous of some one else giving him happiness while he spends it.
Now think about what you are going to do when dad's health fails and the Bimbo is gone. Are you going to sacrifice your life to take care of Dad at the expense of your husband and career. Iif it gives you any comfort Dad is probably about to throw this leech out but it's difficult to get rid of clinging ivy. just be thanful that she can't pull the pregnancy card. it could be far worse so concentrate on your life for the time being.
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Thanks. I've been encouraged to get him to at least give me my mom's trust she left me, then find a probate attorney (which I'm doing), to handle any more ugly stuff that arises do to his deteriorating cognizance and safe decision-making. Stay tuned. Hopefully a lawyer can handle his unsafe antics from here on out.
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Thank you so much for a real hug. Now, like I commented on my other post thread: I know I've gained a certain amount of surprise and unpopularity from my posts, but folks out there should really be surprised about how increasingly common this sort of sick behavior is becoming. Take an older fella, lonely and depressed; he'll only crave, like any drug, more and more of the bad attention the gold digger brings, as all the while she is isolating him from true family & friends!! What a frightening, sad reality it is for me as well! Think about it.
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im picturing an ancient man snorting cocaine off of a kinky old ladys belly. he gets two thumbs up from me. im leaving one of my sons the change jar ( mostly nickles and metric bolts ) and the other one the closet full of used motorcycle carbs. ive been bricking and stoning homes mostly singlehandedly for many years. i was building my first house at the age of 27. the boys need to s**t or get off the pot if they want to prosper.. im going to wacken metal fest and eat mandrex like they were skittles if i ever get up the cash.. suckers !!
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the youngest one told me recently he wants to " inherite " the old 51 chevy truck. how dam convenient for him. he dont want to drag one out of the junk and build it, inheriting one seems so much easier. that pizzes me off. im thinking of blowing all the nickles now.. think ill gunk up the bike carbs too..
to forgive is divine but vengeance is mine..
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Thank you much for the encouragement, Nana2Nanny. Now, to reiterate what Iposted on my other thread: I know I've gained a certain amount of surprise and unpopularity from my posts, but folks out there should really be surprised about how increasingly common this sort of sick behavior is becoming. Take an older fella, lonely and depressed; he'll only crave, like any drug, more and more of the bad attention the gold digger brings, as all the while she is isolating him from true family & friends!! What a frightening, sad reality it is for me as well! Think about it.
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captain, you make me laugh so hard I really DO forget my pizzy problems. Thank god for my mom's trust so now I can stay on the road if I have to (don't really want to but might have to until I can find that elusive 'perm" job). The probate attorney can help me keep an eye on his physical, emotional and yes, financial health while he has a "good time" and not let it get too dire before I don't find out about it.
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Coyote has a valid point. I watched a friend go through pain when her dad hooked up with someone similar. From my vantage point she was just a dumpy little hispanic woman, but boy was she good a hooking an old guy, and also from what I saw pretty evil. My friend was devastated when her dad told her he was divorcing her and a few days later learned he was dead after falling from a ladder outside. Surprise - the grieving girlfriend wasted no time in putting her name on everything - the dates of the transfers were 2 days after he died. She didn't tell any of her family, just pulled up the drawbridge and probably started looking for her next old guy with sex issues. Coyote should buy the most expensive female escort she can find and send him to re-seduce her dad away from that woman. It's not about the money, its about losing the love and closeness of a parent when you can see and they can't.
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Thank you SunnyGal so much!! I needed your encouragement. I feel like framing your comment on the wall in 24-pt. font and looking at it every time I need a boost of self-esteem.
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Coyote I don't get why everyone has their dander up about your concern for your dad. A part of it is about your inheritance but I also feel like there's a lot of love there for your dad and an understandable concern that dad is being taken advantage of by his new girlfriend. If the girlfriend contributed financially to the arrangement or didn't want to spend an unusual amount of dad's money, I doubt you would be as concerned. I'd feel the same way you do if that happened to my mom or dad after their spouse died. And if your dad has declining cognitive function, all the more reason to be concerned. I hope you can get your trust fund money so that at least that part is settled. Good luck with your dad and keep us posted. You'll get a sympathetic ear from me.
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She also stood in the way of me & my husband of giving him the real care he needs. Often he forgets things, naps often, worried about his heart, drinks too much a bit, forgets to take out the trash, and hints that "she" stresses him out, but won't openly admit it; only hints.
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What the &%$!! do I do??
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Coyote.
First of all give your self a big hug from all of us.
Take several very deep breaths and go from there.
Every persons back ground is readily available now on the internet. Now I am not jn agreement with this information being public BUT in your case I would start digging and find out everything you can about this person.It is just possible there is something legal you can do. At the very least it will give you something practical to do rather than sitting home fretting. Other than that I don't think there is a *&%#*+: you can do. Unfortunately dad knows exactly what he has done. He just does not know how to get out of the mess.
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I see your question is still being tackled. I talked to my mother who is 90 and still I relatively clear headed- she gave the most simplest of answer. Take your dad out to lunch if you can or an afternoon with just the two of you and ask him how he is doing and show your genuine care about his life. Start off by keeping it simple and non-invasive. Stroke the ego and let him know that all you want is happiness- and when I say stroke the ego I simply mean that people need to feel as if they are truly being cared about. . Then express your concern over his well being. And there's nothing wrong with bringing up the trust fund money that was set aside for you. Just let him know that you need it for whatever reason and see if he would be willing to give it to you. She said if you do it this way it will let you in his life and he will trust you and he will feel your support of course depending on your over rall relationship. You want to build bridges right now and not walls
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Coyote, in case you haven't gotten the message strongly enough here, there are two threads here; you're concerned about your dad and his mental and physical health; you're concerned about your inheritance. Figure out which is more important and your path will be clearer.
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I see I'm getting mixed reviews again......I only want (by the way meager) trust fund in order to get off the engineering-contractor road and take better care of him.
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I need hugs --- I cried all night again.
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Coyote; I'm confused. how will the meager trust fund allow you to get off the road? Will it allow you to retire? Have you tried the tack of taking Dad out to lunch to have a heart to heart with him? If your mom left YOU the money from her estate, can't the probate lawyer handle that?
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Coyote, do you know how your Dad's will is written? Maybe that will is already set up as you as the sole beneficiary, and you have nothing to worry about.
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