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My Mother died 5 years ago after a long illness that drained both me and my father of a certain amount of emotional strength. 3 years ago my 75-year old father took up with a 61-year-old, penniless woman he met at his yacht-club bar (after going thru 3 - that I know of - similar women at same bar), and has since began & developed a twisted, sexually-based, emotionally sadomasochistic relationship with her that has this past month spiraled into the depths. It would be almost funny if it wasn't so serious. I have cried myself to sleep almost every night since then from my remote motel room (I work on the road). My dying mother promised me (an only child) a good deal of inheritance that they both worked to build as an estate -- we are/were all hard-working engineer-types. Over the 3 years I have stood by (in and around my various stints on the road) and watched this conniving woman take mortar and brick out of this promise, one by one. I kept my mouth shut and even endured her zingers to my face about my career and roadie lifestyle (behind his back, naturally) for these 3 years -- I watched the new expensive car, the endless expensive meals out (I do not exaggerate, often with her friends and family included on his tab), the European vacation, the apartment of her own because she couldn't afford the rent (actually, her roommate also probably didn't like the drinking/sex nights), and now the inevitable -- the she couldn't afford the rent anymore on her place and moved in with him. She now complains her back hurts from her nursery-school job ( = her health is poor from excessive eating & drinking) and I know quitting her job and spending both his & Mom's SS (then marriage) is next.

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I have 2 different thoughts:

1. You can go to court to and have your Dad legally declared incompetent.

2. It's Dad's money not your inheritance..He can spend it as he wants on who he wants...
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Sounds like dad had a rough last 5 years as well and knows that at his age, he may not have much left. Maybe he dcided to put the petal to the metal and live large for a bit]. If he went through 3 such ladies, it sounds like he was looking for this, he is no innnocent. Also, he is with her for 3 years, so this is a relationship, not a passing indiscretion.
Sorry, you do not get a vote in whom dad sees, or how he spends his money. He has the right to spend it. Whatever is left over will be your inheritance, unless he sees fit to provide for someone else instead.
Deathbed promises are emotional, caring and loving, but not legally binding.
Think fondly of your mother and be grateful dad is happy and has a life and is not sucking the air out of yours by wanting constant attention.
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From what I read your dad is spending money on what he enjoys, has a s*x life again and is having a blast. You don't want him to enjoy his last years at the expense of your inheritance?

Back off, let the girlfriend care for him when he's sick, keep in touch and enjoy him when you visit. Your husband should be your main priority. If this continues you will probably lose him to someone who's prepared to be home, not always on the road, and isn't obsessed with an inheritance. Only you can decide where your priorities lie.
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At 61, my father married a woman ten years younger, wife #3. Both my sisters were highly suspicious. They married. My sisters both moved far away. #3 had expensive taste, liked to spend Friday night at the country club, gave too much money to her own kids, liked furs and diamonds and got them.
My father was deliriously happy, wife #3 was a twin for Grace Kelly, with grace and charm that turned every man's head when she entered the room. For twenty five years she made sure that 3 meals a day were promptly on time, the shirts were ironed, his underwear was spotless and his coffee was hot. She was not a good nurse, too squeamish, not fond of grandchildren racing around, but she was intelligent and articulate. They would argue. She would win.
At age 83 my father dropped dead. I pulled out his Will. She was terrified, and I told her "It's all yours. You get everything." As it should be.
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Thank you, yes folks out there. I did need to do this, because I would LIKE to finally get off the road (am tired of it), use the trust money to help me settle down into that all-elusive thing in my profession: a perm job. THEN I can relax and also do a better, more reliable 2nd job of helping him, with or without her.
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Coyote.
First of all give your self a big hug from all of us.
Take several very deep breaths and go from there.
Every persons back ground is readily available now on the internet. Now I am not jn agreement with this information being public BUT in your case I would start digging and find out everything you can about this person.It is just possible there is something legal you can do. At the very least it will give you something practical to do rather than sitting home fretting. Other than that I don't think there is a *&%#*+: you can do. Unfortunately dad knows exactly what he has done. He just does not know how to get out of the mess.
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I see your question is still being tackled. I talked to my mother who is 90 and still I relatively clear headed- she gave the most simplest of answer. Take your dad out to lunch if you can or an afternoon with just the two of you and ask him how he is doing and show your genuine care about his life. Start off by keeping it simple and non-invasive. Stroke the ego and let him know that all you want is happiness- and when I say stroke the ego I simply mean that people need to feel as if they are truly being cared about. . Then express your concern over his well being. And there's nothing wrong with bringing up the trust fund money that was set aside for you. Just let him know that you need it for whatever reason and see if he would be willing to give it to you. She said if you do it this way it will let you in his life and he will trust you and he will feel your support of course depending on your over rall relationship. You want to build bridges right now and not walls
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It is obvious that you are challenged by this woman and her influence on your Dad. Your comments show you are greatly concerned about the money and I"m sure you must also be concerned about your Dad's emotional and physical well being. Is your Dad happy with this woman? Does he have some of his spark back in his life? Does she take care of him in any way besides sex? It's hard to imagine that someone we don't like, could make someone we love happy. I hope you can see beyond the money he is spending on her and wish him the best in that relationship. As for your trust fund, it sounds like your dad is willing to give it to you.. so you'll have what your mother intended. Good luck to you...
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Coyote I don't get why everyone has their dander up about your concern for your dad. A part of it is about your inheritance but I also feel like there's a lot of love there for your dad and an understandable concern that dad is being taken advantage of by his new girlfriend. If the girlfriend contributed financially to the arrangement or didn't want to spend an unusual amount of dad's money, I doubt you would be as concerned. I'd feel the same way you do if that happened to my mom or dad after their spouse died. And if your dad has declining cognitive function, all the more reason to be concerned. I hope you can get your trust fund money so that at least that part is settled. Good luck with your dad and keep us posted. You'll get a sympathetic ear from me.
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Coyote,
As a fellow engineer I know you are or should be making more than $70k a year, you are 53, so you must be experienced. I assume you are Civil, I am EE, working in tech sales instead. Focus on your career, your earning potential is way above what you are spending your energy on. Let go, let dad have his girl, even if you do not care for her. Focus on your relationship with your husband, focus on your career. I have no idea what your rights, to this trust are, if you must pursue that do so at the expense of what is left of your relationship with your father....all for less than a year's engineering salary.

Allow yourself to let go of this, it is eating away at you....move on. Be happy.
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