My mom has dementia, she doesn’t want to admit it. My husband and I are moving closer and our teen son is angry, calling us selfish. Am I?

jkassd, much love and hugs- i was shocked at the uproar your post created. Hoping that asking members for advice hasn’t made your sit any worse but doubting. Do you have people that you know in person such as neighbors, friends, co-workers, face-to-face support groups and school counselors that know your family well? to ask for advice. More love and hugs to you and your family.

Children are rarely born angry - if it’s a pattern where your son’s needs, values or feelings consistently plot points for “hard love” or “life lessons” - the Long view on the relationship with your son likely to have life long impact. Sounds as if he may be your only child, making his friends if he is close - all the more important. Reading these comments - surprised not many addressing the heart of your question. The true cost to your immediate family and your own (only?) child. If you are close to your son you would feel fully the truth of the nature of his friendships & know his friends, likely well. If childhood friends, children form bonds similar to that of siblings. My own family also grappling with dementia - mom & alzheimers, dad. There are no words for how grateful I am for my child hood friends, that I am far closer to than my siblings who were deeply damaged by my mother’s narcissistic caretakimg & cruelty. (Martyr - entitled - bully) - not saying that is your case, but do think suggestions here to stay put and allow your child to live his best childhood, are 100% on point. There are so many ways you can support your family. In the long view, it will model prioritizing family first, to your immediate family. Your son’s feelings, voice & needs are your top priority in equal steady balance with your own, and your relationship with your husband, kind enough to go if you insist. You can always love him for that gift and return that favor, by putting your husband and son first.

Momheal1,

I get what you're saying. Believe me I do. People have differences in opinion. We all do. When someone asks for honesty that is what they should get from others. Honesty isn't always what a person wants to hear. It often doesn't come in gentle poetic language either, but it's always best to be truthful.
I described the poster being a martyr. I did that because I was brought up by the greatest martyr second only to Jesus Christ Himself.

My mother.

Now my mom is a person who never drew a breath that didn't have an ulterior motive of some kind with it. Having this kind of parent has taught me to recognize one very easily. Her language alone in the post pretty much verifies that. That kind of post isn't someone looking for support who can benefit from other people's experiences. "Am I Being Selfish?" is not a question that needs asking because a person's conscience answers them. It's more likely a person with a narcissistic personality who knows they're wrong but wants others to validate their selfishness and justify their actions.

There are other ways to help your siblings rather than moving closer:
Be the respite care person for your siblings. Be there for 2 weeks or a month, so they can get time off. To your Mom, you can call it a visit or vacation. Learn everything you can from your siblings about her needs, but then stay with her if she has room, so that you really know what's going on. 48 hours is what I'm told in my support group, to really know. I understand wanting to teach your son about caring for family. You are doing so with the counseling, smart move.

Just some ideas. You have to do what's best for you. I'm sorry, but I side a bit with your son. Since he's in HS he can probably be OK without both parents present in the home for a couple of weeks? There could be a lot of challenges of which I'm unaware.

Instead of moving your family, take a week of your time several times a year and give your extended family some respite care..
I am blessed that my family lives local and can all give time to care for our elderly mother.
It has been a difficult couple of years but it has taught our children that our elderly should not be discarded, but honored.
Mom was independent until 18 months ago and now is in hospice care. Praying for a peaceful passing.

How can you compromise? Dementia gets worse & believe me she won’t be able to be managed at home for very long. My 94 year old mother had dementia. It’s a nightmare. You don’t want to sign up for this. Instead, I advise you & sibs to get her into a facility. Son will be leaving friends & have to get adjusted to new school. Not really fair to him. Your mother will become very abusive. Do you want to subject yourself & your family to the ugliness that is guaranteed to occur? I wouldn’t. She will abuse you in front of your son. Make smart decisions..learn from my experience. In fact, look for a facility near you & move her there. Hugs 🤗

Does nobody else think some of the responses on this thread are taking it too far? They concern me and are quite saddening.

Support means encouragement and comfort.

Never take your pain and use it on someone else. Share wisely - do not share to just be cruel and judge another person.

I really am taken back that nobody seems to think someone in troubled times and who was looking for help could come back here a week later and see this and really be beaten down by some of these vile things said. It is not okay to think you can lash out on another person and be cruel.

It’s not a good idea to move your son during the prime of his teenage years in high school where most of his friends and memories are being formed. Your immediate family comes first and that means your children and husband. It’s best to make other arrangements for your mom until your son is 18 and on his own and can make decisions for himself. Then you can move closer to your mon.
Why can’t you have your mom move in with you or maybe move her closer. Don’t disrupt your son’s life right now. You will regret it.

I changed schools/moved to another state half way through my junior year of HS. It wasn't as bad as you think. I was able to stay in touch with my close friends and even go to visit. This was long before cell phones were invented! We had to write letters and pay for long distance calls. Am I still close with HS friends? Only 2. I guess I lost all the years of homecomings and other reunion type events, but are they really that important?

Your son is angry about a lot of things. He may even have a metabolic disorder or inherited behavior disorder. He may just have a bad case of being a teenager. Does he have "problem" friends? Trust yourself to do what is best for your kids, which may not be what they want.

First priority is you. If you are feeling OK and functional, you can make many things work. Until then everything could turn into a crushing burden.

Marriage is rough when one partner feels the need to punish the other. What will this move cost you in terms of safety, security, and financial stability? Will you "owe" him for his support? Are the kids better off with him at a distance? Are you? Assume the kids know how he treats you and try to hide how he treats them. What do things look like now?

You sound like your head is on the right way but you are stressed and insecure. Get any and all help that you can before making a final decision.

Finally, if you have been reading this forum, you realize that being a caregiver for an elderly parent just gets harder with time. You will need to make long-term plans for Mom or your kids won't have you when they need you - you will be too involved with taking care of their grandmother.

May Gd bless you and help you through your travails.

I commend you on wanting to help out your siblings, thats awesome! In my situation, im the sibling doing the caregiving, and i wish my brother would step in more...he has two teenage boys in high school, but i understand their need for continuity and a sense of community, so i would never want them to leave their life! Occassionally my brother visits for 2 nights, but its 24/7 for me, mom has vascular dementia and has had multiple strokes, she's 87 and dad is 91. I decided to use my brother as a sounding board and a complaint center since he can't be here, it isnt perfect but it helps..siblings at least can understand family dynamics while friends really cant...
I think your last sentence illuminates your feelings clearly..."he's such an angry guy anyway".
Sadly, it seems like hes right, you are more concerned about how the rest of family feels rather than your kid. Teenage years are so difficult anyway, moving adds so much more stress to his world. The reality is, you are unlikely to teach him the value of family, at this late juncture but rather you may add more seperation to your relationship with your son.....he will have left the house sooner than you think, years you will never get back, cherish him...
If possible, get mom to move in with you, or closer, so you can help her daily; or stay for 2 weeks with her intermittently ...
.this will be more likely to teach your son, "family" values..
Sadly, with dementia, you will lose your mom; however, your son needs you now, and in the future..
Such difficulties this life poses for us...good luck to you in a very difficult situation....so many of them are no-win, and this is one of those...

As others have said, there are many ways to help your siblings.

In my experience, 8 hours away is still very far. How do you plan to be there to care for your mom? In what capacity? How often? For how many hours at a time?

I fear the relaity of this move is to uproot your son and still won't provide your mom the support you know she needs without forming a clear plan for what you will be doing from 8 hours away that you can't do now.

As an educator, I feel I should add that the comparison of your experience moving as a freshman in high school to your son's current situation is not in tune with the stress and strain students have felt for three interrupted school years due to COVID. If ever there was a time to work for your son's stability, it is now.

Your IMMEDIATE family comes first. It's difficult to put your parents aside for the sake of your son but that is what has to be done. DON"T MOVE YET ! when he graduates ( turns 18 ) then he can have a life of his own. God Bless you and your family

Have you checked with your siblings? Do they feel you don’t help enough?

If they are okay perhaps there is some other way to help from a distance. Meal delivery service, maybe an agency that provides housekeeping or elder care services. You could pay for these as your way of helping out (if you are in the financial position to do so).

Then you will have time to work with your son’s school situation. Maybe college or employment will relocate him then you won’t be moving him from his comfort zone.

Good luck.

Wow! My heart goes out to you!

Would it be possible for you to travel to your mom's area once a month for a long weekend and take over her care so your sister and brother can have regular breaks? Or, can you pay for once-a-week assistance for a few hours? A lot of times, the primary caretaker doesn't really want someone else to take over, even for a few days a week. It can be disrupting to have "too many chiefs" involved in the process. Ask them what they want and tell them what you are able to do. Your son matters, too, and is at a critical period in his life. If your siblings have children, they should understand.

Involve him in some way in her care, too. Give him a regular task so he can participate. Ask him what ideas he has to assist the family with the problem and don't criticize him if you don't agree with his answer. Be adaptable. This is new for him and it would be a difficult adjustment for him at this age. Do involve him in her care. Even if its just sending a card or letter once a week or making a phone call of encouragement, involve him in this family task. Things are changing for him, too.

It seems like you need some support, too. Tell your son (gently) how much this situation hurts you and how difficult you are finding it to lose your mother. Even though she's still here physically, she's no longer able to parent you or grandparent your children. It hurts! Your son needs to hear that. Its not only a matter of caring for her physically but caring for you as well. You need to participate in her care and to make a connection with her throughout her last days. Try to help your son understand those feelings. Tell him you are looking for solutions that will give you the opportunity to show love to him and love to your mother. It doesn't have to be an either/or situation.

If given a choice, (it seems you have a choice) I would allow my child to finish his 3 years of high school. After that, do what is best for you. I moved my 2 kids in 9th and 11th grade (for a different reason) and my 44 year old son still tells me how unsettling it was for him. Your mom is in good hands but your son needs to stay in his "safe" place with your support.

I have to agree with what others have said - don't move your son now. Figure out a different care plan for your mom. I have a son with ADD/ODD, anxiety, mood issues. Live 3 hours from my parents and dad suffered from dementia for many years (passed 2 years ago). Have 2 siblings that live closer. My siblings totally understood that my first priority was MY family. They did not resent me NOT being there more hands-on. It would never have considered moving my son at that age. I was able to contribute to my father's care in other ways. I made regular trips to visit by myself and coordinated home health care remotely. My son's health and well-being and my relationship with him was/is primary. I am sorry you are struggling. NONE of this is easy! Sending you peace and strength.

I saw one poster say what I am thinking. You have a toxic marriage and you are looking for a way out. You will need a place to live with your 4 kids and moving by your family under the guise of 'helping' is a win-win in your eyes.

There are so many red flags with this plan. Your family is not going to have time to help you get through your divorce because they are already busy dealing with your parents and they will expect you to pitch in. If you think you are stressed now, wait until you get there. Totally uprooted with at least one very angry child, no form of support, no place of your own to live, and now the responsibility of elderly parents. And as I pointed out before....will you be allowed to move 8 hours away? My ex did not want me moving more than 2 counties away so he could have visitation.

Your son is crying out to you that he feels invisible to you and that his feelings/opinions do not matter. Please listen to him. My father made me feel like my feelings and opinions did not matter ever. Everyone else was more important to him. I grew up resenting him. After my mom passed he expected me to 'take care of him' and I did (with boundaries of steel) but I resented every last second of it because of how I was treated as a kid. I was only important to him when he needed me and no one else was around. My father was not abusive, just really inconsiderate and self centered. It still left a lasting mark.

My suggestion to you is to lose the abusive ex and create your own life where you are now. Once you are in a good place, see what type of help you can offer your siblings. I really think your move was more about being around people who would support you against your ex and in that respect it was unfair to your son. I had terrible guilt about my divorce and the effect on my kids. They were only toddlers. I kept them in the same daycare which was alot more work for me, just so they wouldn't have to suffer for the lousy choices their father made. Your first responsibility is for the well being of your children.

Seems it would be wiser to deal with the toxic marriage - not try to run away from it. After all, you can talk to siblings and see what support they could use in caring for your parents. They might actually prefer it if you did not move there.

Teenagers only think about themselves. Even if you don’t move, your son will expect you to cater to his needs first, and not caring about the rest of the family. Your parents are lucky to have you, and you should do what you believe is best. You are the adult. Your son will be in for a lifetime of disappointment if he doesn’t learn to adjust.
Many years ago I had a chance to move 4 hours away to my parents’ home after they had passed. My 14-year-old daughter was very angry and threatened to run away, so I didn’t move. Within three years she was married and starting her own family, while I was still in my home. I was not able to get the family home back, but within 10 years I did move to that area. Your son will soon be out on his own and your parents may no longer be around. Whether or not he stays angry will be his choice. He may need some professional help with that. Don’t allow him to blame you and make you feel guilty. Teaching him that families care for one another will be the important thing.
My family moved a lot due to employment. I attended 14 different schools. It was harder on me when I was in my teens, but the family came first.  I still believe in that.

jkassd: Imho, your son is your priority.

Maybe it would be less disruptive to move MOM closer to YOU. I totally understand why your son feels this way. Sophomore year is hard enough but to start in a new place will be very hard on him and leaving all his friends at this age is devastating. This is your child. Your mom has had her childhood… just my personal opinion but I think moving mom is the better choice

There are so many angles to look at this. Moving a child in their sophomore year of high school is not a good idea. They have established relationships with friends at that time. What about moving your parents closer to you? Your son may never forgive you for doing this to him. You may never forgive yourself if you don't help your parents. Difficult situation. in terms of teaching children lessons, we teach them what they are going to absorb during the formative years which I believe is about two or three until about six or seven years old. Teenagers are selfish.
Perhaps there is another way of dealing with your parent's situation until your son graduates high school? Have you explored the options of getting help for your dad in the home so that he gets a break from your mom? Have you explored putting them both into assisted-living? What does your father think you should do? Is he open or needing of help with your mom?

My female 1st cousin, Amy, was in nearly the same situation as you: Horrible marriage; 2 teenage boys in HS; Mom who lived 5 hours away suffering debilitating post-stroke aftermath.

Amy naively believed the kids would want to move to Grandma's small town 5 hours away, and the husband would be willing to relocate whether or not the marriage survived. They did not. Nor was her husband willing to relocate. A bitter divorce ensued. Court made now ex-husband primary custodian, giving Amy just two weekend visits per month which she had to drive back to the kids hometown to have.

Amy regrets it, she's horribly depressed, feels guilty for what she's done to her boys, misses them terribly, and realizes now how selfish she was, and even realizes she was not such a good wife for her husband.

Jkassd, my advice is to stay where you are. I know marriage is tough, and the hardest thing we'll ever do. Been there. I've been divorced a few times. But you know what's harder than a tough marriage? -- Getting divorced with young children. I have just one. You have four. Especially with what you're proposing for your children, you'll be in for an extremely bitter and expensive contested divorce, which you will lose. At a minimum, your eldest will resent and not forgive you. He has legal influence at his age, and will want to stay with Dad. He'll be a huge influence on his younger siblings too. The court will see that the new situation, 8 hours from home, sharing a home with their dementia grandparent, will be less beneficial for them than staying put with Dad. The divorce lawyers will consume your marital assets. My ex and I have spent a combined $1.2 Million on divorce attorneys' fees so far. The fees never stop and will continue until your youngest is out of high school. You'll always be taking each other back to court for one reason or another.

That's not the way to go.

If you feel guilty about the burden on your brother and sister, chip in by paying out of pocket for a Visiting Angel type person to step in several days per week to give your siblings a break.

Moreover, children NEED to live under the same roof as their biological fathers. If your husband is truly a monster and you believe the kids would be better off without him (this would be rare), I urge you to be very honest with yourself about that, and not let your ill feelings and disrespect toward your husband automatically translate to him being a horrible father too -- "He's a lousy husband -- therefore, he's a lousy human being -- therefore, he's an unfit father." Lot's and lots of women selfishly make this mistake. My ex-wife did. I'm not judging you and your situation. Only you can do that. But do a Google search for "Social and Psychological consequences for children who grow up without their biological fathers". This will open your eyes real wide. The consequences are enormous, undeniable, and affect them adversely for the rest of their lives. Your husband's lawyer knows this too. I'm 53, and the consequences of my own parents' divorce when I was 7 are still having enormous impact on who I am and how my life has unfolded.

I know there's nothing lonelier than a lousy marriage. But for the sake of your kids, try to make it work. And for your sake...I think you're underestimating how devastating to your soul divorce is, and what it's going to be like caring for four young children alone (if against all odds you're awarded full custody, which I don't think you will), while caring for your own mother in the same house slipping deep into dementia/Alzheimer's. My own mother is too, BTW, and she won't admit it, and it's a seriously difficult job taking care of her. WAY harder than I thought it would be.

If you must pull the trigger, put your eldest into a private parochial school in the new town (preferably all-boys). I went to 3 different high schools. The boys' Catholic school was my favorite by far. Easiest transition.

Godspeed!

I moved in 8th grade and it was a very hard time to move. I never really fit into the new school and it was traumatic. All kids are different. some can adjust easily and for some much tougher. You know your son best so listen to your gut.

Is it possible for him to stay with friends? or is it possible to move your mother closer?

I think in this case two things: First of all, given you son is younger than your mother and is situated in his high school, it is critically important that you stay where you are and allow him to finish his school. Forcing him to move could provide problems down the road you can't see yet. Do not do it. DO NOT MOVE. He has to come first. Second, I know you love your mother but she has dementia which will only get worse and the day will come, if not already, where having her very close will have a terrible negative impact on YOU and your son and your family. And the dementia will get worse. I suggest the following options. Find a suitable caretaker for her and visit and check on her. Two find her a place close to you BUT NOT IN YOUR HOME - she has dementia so DO NOT DO THAT - or, third, place her in a facility where she is cared for. Your son comes first, then you, then your mother. Don't screw around with this. Please listen to what I tell you - I am experienced in all of this.

No. This is the perfect opportunity to teach an immature human how to be less selfish themselves. I grew up a military brat. We moved all the time. Were my parents selfish? No. They were supporting our family and this country. Ask him if that's what he intends to do when you are the one that needs help? Grown ups sometimes have to do things they hate to do. That's maturity.

alli have to say is, your parents took care of and raised you; now when they need you it is your turn to return the love and care that they gave you. Your son will adjust; kids will adjust, they will make new friends, and girlfriends in his case. Think about your mother and give her the care she needs. I took care of my mother fro 9 1/2 years my childern adjusted and gew closer to family and their grandmother. You will not regret it when her time comes to go be with the lord you will feel that you have grown even closer to your mother and father, and you will be happy you did.

Having raised four children to adulthood and moving multiple times, I can say with certainty that I wouldn’t move a kid in high school. It’s a cruel time and age to uproot them. And your children take priority until they’re grown

I think you are making a big mistake to have your mother move in with you. She's going to need full time care either in home care or help in a good facility and I mean she will need help with bathing, dressing, and every little task around the clock. Her dementia is likely to worsen over time. I think your remark about your son being such an angry guy is just terrible, and it sounds like he should be getting more emotional support from you than you're giving him. I would NOT move your mother into your home at all. Plus, your son deserves to grow in a healthy environment and have his own life with friends and activities outside of your home.