Follow
Share

My husband and I, after a year of separation, got back together. He works 7 days a week until dark and now he says he's thinking over moving home with his mom to be her caregiver. She requires a lot of things done. I'm disabled due to many health problems myself . I'm just confused on this. She has too many assets to get help.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
This ‘ex’ makes me think of the old song that goes:
“Nice work if you can get it, and you can get it if you lie”.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

He wants to be called an angel and a hero for becoming her caregiver because he has NO IDEA what is involved with caregiving.
Does he understand medical jargon? Does he understand the state policies regarding Medicare, Medicaid, Palliative and Hospice Care, Power of Attorney for health and finance are 2 different things?
If you are equally in need of a caregiver then why not blend the household together, so that her assets can pay for private care for the 2 of you.
Does he do any housework at your home? Does he make meals and clean up after cooking? or are you just eating convenience unhealthy package food?
However, he has not been taking care of you will only multiple if he moves in with his mother.

Contact your State's senior services to see if they can assist with an assessment of the level of care she needs as well as yourself.
Don't assume that she has too many assets because the levels of financial need are modified annually and on a sliding scale.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Is he taking care of Mom or her money? If she has assets his goal may be to preserve them, especially if he is the only child. Are you OK with this? It is basically a postponement of your marriage, until he can either retire or Mom dies. Does his mom even want him there? What are your needs? Do you need him as a caregiver or a partner? If he is working, and you are officially/legally reconciled, he is responsible for you or for hiring assistance for you. Is he willing to do this? Husband may be well intended and not very bright, but it sounds more like he has a plan and you aren't in on it. He needs to enlighten you, and you may have some hard decisions to make.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

The only way this would work is if you and your husband want live separate lives. He will not be able to be her caregiver and have any time to devote to a relationship, especially working long hours to begin with. With his work schedule, he won't be able to provide her care and he won't be a partner for you.

The bigger question is why would he want to be her caregiver? If she has assets, she needs to hire help. If he insists on helping with and continues to have his commitments, walk away.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

How is this arrangement even feasible? And after separation, I am guessing there was some issues between two of you?
Adding another person to the mix at the best circumstances is not ideal, in your situation with husband working 7 days and you are disabled, it is recipe for disaster or divorce.
It looks to me he should hire somebody to help you even with chores, without adding Mom.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

How does he intend to change her diapers?
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

if you are not in agreement i say no. You will be separated again. If you agree, your MIL should use her many assets to hire someone to come in the home to take care of her needs including cooking. Any additions needed to your home ( chair lift, bathroom updates, etc.) should be cover by your MIL.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Coincidentally he reconciled when he’s thinking about in home care for his mother? And coincidentally, he’s too busy to provide the care? And coincidentally, he didn’t mention hiring full-time help? But coincidentally, you’ll be there ….

Sure sounds like a lot of coincidence.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
lealonnie1 Jun 2022
Well said! I do not believe in 'coincidences' at all, let's just hope the OP doesn't either!
(3)
Report
If he works 7 days a week..then how the heck is he gonna be a caregiver for his mother? This is a full time job in itself. I believe he has a plan to make YOU her caregiver. He is absolutely out of his mind. He needs to at minimum hire a lady caregiver to help his mother. Does she live nearby? Does your MIL walk? Can she let in caregiver to her house 🏡 ? What is extent of care she needs? She needs a Nursing Assessment.
Your husband is creating a disaster. Nothing good will come from it. If you have health problems too, it’s YOU he should be doing things for first. Hugs 🤗
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

The elephant in the room that no-one has mentioned: This ‘reconciliation’ is just an arrangement where ‘husband’ doesn’t have much to do with you except free sex when he feels like dropping in.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
BurntCaregiver Jun 2022
Or maybe free caregiving services for his mother.
(1)
Report
God Bless him!!! What a wonderful man. So many people are selfish and only think of themselves. He truly understands the meaning of family and being there for them when needed.

He can look into additional help caring for his mother. There are in home programs where you can have care givers to assist with her needs. If she needs financial help, there are programs that will help pay for those needs. We have a program here called IRIS that allows them to choose their own caregivers (including family). Family is usually the best way to go, because they love the one they are caring for and will make sure they get what they need.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
MargaretMcKen Jun 2022
On the other hand, this ‘wonderful man’ might be a gold brick.
(1)
Report
See 5 more replies
Let's start with the popular misconception that people have in believing that someone has 'too many assets to get help'. That is not true. A person may have too many assets to get help for free.
That's not the same thing.
I would strongly suggest that you encourage your husband into NOT moving back home to become his mother's caregiver because here is what will happen.
You and your hubs are back together (Mazel Tov to you both on the reconciliation). Your husband works seven days a week as you say.
YOU will be the one who becomes his mother's caregiver.
This forum is a good place to get put in touch with homecare options. Your MIL will have to pay for caregiving services out of her own income and assets. That is what it is for.
Do both your husband and yourself a favor and look into homecare for your MIL.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

This is a very disgusting disturbing and insensitive thing to say.

Your husband wants to take care of his parent.

That is his mother.


You just don't like her, and perhaps think that your Husband needs to cater to you because you're disabled.


How about you get a caregiver for yourself??

How about you just don't get back together with your husband.

Did you get back with him because he was taking care of you?


Also, stop trying to live in your mil
household and finances. Just because she has doesn't mean that she can afford care.


If she could afford it, she's probably not comfortable with the idea of strangers coming, plus there are a lot of paid caregivers that are abusive, and negligent..some who sit on their phones all day and not doing anything..some who harm..even kill etc ...


Have a heart....that isn't solely focused on your needs only.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
BurntCaregiver Jun 2022
How about when a person marries their spouse comes before mom or dad.
This is what marriage means.
Take it from someone who's been there. The husband may have every intention of becoming his mother's caregiver.
The reality is that if there's a woman around (a wife, sister, or daughter) that person will become the de facto caregiver.
This is usually what ends up happening in these situations.
(15)
Report
See 6 more replies
Wow! Sounds like there is allot going on here. But one of the things that comes to mind that has not been mentioned here is:
He works 7 days a week, at LEAST 10 hrs a day (so he's telling you this). I know of no trade that works these hours, not even owners of companies or salesmen. Anyway, work 7 days a week, at LEAST 10 hrs a day or his mother's assets. What would you do? Also, if he's not able to care for you with your health issues, how is he to take care of his mom with hers? Just saying
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Well this is a field with land mines. I definitely need more information such as:
What kind of work does your husband do 7 days until dark? When does he plan to have time to be her caregiver? What type of care does she require( transport to med. appt, shopping, cooking, cleaning, sit to stand transport, bathing, feeding, etc)?
How long have you two been back "together" and when did he decide to move in with Mom? Did he ask you to move in with Mom or is he the one moving, and if so, just where does that leave you in terms of a relationship (and BTW.... if he suggests moving her into your home............. don't do it!! you will definitely be the prime caregiver with no place to go)?
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Does he want you to move into his mother's home, too? That doesn't sound like an optimal plan. Also, if you're disabled and she needs looking after and he works all day, every day...how is that going to work? Doesn't seem like he's thought his through.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Tell him to watch the movie Psycho and all episodes of Bates Motel because she will turn him into "Norman Bates" before he knows what hit him. I'm not even kidding.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

If he's thinking of moving in with her, sounds like he wants out of the relationship. You worded it as he is thinking of moving in with her. Not he wants US to move in with her. Or what do WE do about this situation. Big difference.

He works 7 days a week until dark. Sounds like he has no time for anyone. Work is his mistress. Look up why people are workaholics. It is a way to avoid intimacy, low self esteem, anxiety, and as an accomplishment. Normal people dont live to work. They are always busy and can't do anything, gotta go. Good excuse not to deal with anything.

Let him move in with his mom. He won't have time for her either.
You don't have a husband but an soon to be ex room mate who just came home for a meal, shower and sleep.

If he's moving out, to be with her, you'll never see him. Let him go.
Doesn't sound like you had much of him anyway. You had crumbs.
Hell find out its not so fun. All his time will be taken up with her needs. He'll move in, then be crying on your shoulder its too much. Don't fall into that trap. I wouldn't answer the phone once he's gone.
Did he say my mom needs more help, what can WE do? What can be done, let's brain storm? No he announced he's moving in with her. He's already made a decision. He didnt include you. Just made up his mind. I don't think you can compete with a mom with aging needs. Your lower than #1 job needs, #2 her needs, #3 his needs. Your #4 on the list. Do you like being #4? Your needs didn't figure into the equation.
Let him go. He didn't bother to include you in the plan. Therefore he's not thinking of you. I'd pack his things and have them at the door. I wouldn't give him the opportunity to come and go at leisure, and move out at convenience, which could drag on and on, and back and forth and expect cuddle, meals and a warm bed on occassion when he's bored. He never asked you, consulted you about anything. He made up his mind. At least by your post.
He doesn't care about your feelings, if he never consulted you. He's not worth the crumbs he can give you. Which will soon be an occasional phone call. He's already married to his job. I wouldn't let him get situated over there and come back when he feels like it. For a hot meal and a shoulder to lean on. Once he's gone I'd have him stay gone. If he didn't consult you about the move, he doesn't care for your opinion. What is that saying- people show you who they really are. Believe them.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Sounds like he didn’t use the words separation..hugs to you
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

If he's thinking of moving in with her, sounds like he wants out of the relationship. You worded it as he is thinking of moving in with her. Not he wants US to move in with her. Or what do WE do about this situation. Big difference.

He works 7 days a week until dark. Sounds like he has no time for anyone. Work is his mistress. Look up why people are workaholics. It is a way to avoid intimacy, and low self esteem. They are always busy and can't do anything, gotta go.

Let him move in with his mom. He won't have time for her either.
You don't have a husband but an room mate who just came home for a meal, shower and sleep.

If he's moving out, to be with her, you'll never see him. Let him go.
Doesn't sound like you had much of him anyway. You had crumbs.
Hell find out its not so fun. All his time will be taken up with her needs. He'll move in, then be crying on your shoulder its too much. Don't fall into that trap. I wouldn't answer the phone.
Did he say my mom needs more help, what can WE do? What can be done, let's brain storm. No he announced he's moving in with her. He's already made a decision. He include you. Just made up his mind. I don't think you can compete with a mom with aging needs. Your lower than #1 job needs, #2 her needs, #3 his needs. Your #4 on the list. Do you like being #4? Your needs didn't figure into the equation.
Let him go. He didn't bother to include you in the plan. Therefore he's not thinking of you. I'd pack his things and have them at the door. I wouldn't give him the opportunity to come and go at leisure, and move out at convenience, which could drag on and on, and back and forth and expect cuddle, meals and a warm bed on occassion when hes bored. He never asked you, consulted you about anything. He made up his mind. At least by your post.
He doesn't care about your feelings, if he never consulted you. He's not worth the crumbs he can give you. He's already married to his job. I wouldn't let him get situated over there and come back when he feels like it. Once he's gone I'd have him stay gone.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

If she requires a night person, who is doing for her during the day?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

If he's thinking of moving in with her. Sounds like he wants out of the relationship. You didn't word it as, he's thinking of caretaking for her. You worded it as he is moving in with her.

He works 7 days a week until dark. Sounds like he has no time for anyone. Work is his mistress. Look up workaholics. It is a way to avoid intimacy. They are always busy and can't do anything.

Let him move in with his mom. He won't have time for her either.
You don't have a husband but an room mate who just came home to eat and sleep.
If he's moving out, to be with her, you'll never see him. Let him go.
Doesn't sound like you had much of him anyway. You had crumbs.
Hell find out its not so fun. All his time will be taken up with her needs.
Did he say my mom needs more help, what can WE do? No he announced he's moving in with her. He's already made a decision. He didnt even include you. Just made up his mind. I don't think you can compete with a mom with aging needs.
Let him go. He didn't bother to include you in the plan. Therefore he's not thinking of you. I'd pack his things and have them at the door. I wouldn't give him the opportunity to come and go at leisure and move out at convenience. He never asked you, consulted you about anything.
He doesn't care about your feelings at all if he never consulted you. He's not worth the crumbs he can give you. He's already married to his job.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

As a mother of 3 sons, if any one of them offer to be my carer when I get older (I'm not young by any means now) it's a "thank you for offering, how lovely of you but no thank you" .
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

Sounds like a bad idea to me! :(
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

This is a no win situation.

You mention in your profile that "we" moved your own mother into a nursing home because you could not give her the care that she needed. Now your husband is considering moving to live with his mother to be her caregiver immediately following your reconciliation. He works 7 days a week until dark (though you don't say if that means he works full time, I think a lot of us are assuming that means he works a lot of hours, it doesn't explicitly HAVE to mean that - he could also go in later in the day or work different hours) regardless of his schedule he is clearly away from home a good number of hours daily.

You don't mention what your own disability is. BUT you have been separated from your husband for a year so I'm going to make a leap that you can take care of yourself physically, but maybe just not work and receive disability?

And you mention that she 'has too many assets to get help'. What has she tried to this point? Is your husband simply trying to facilitate her care so that she won't have to spend her own funds to go into an Assisted Living Facility or Skilled Nursing Facility? What kinds of needs does she actually have? Why does he need to move into her home? Does she need full time care? If so how will he continue to work and care for her?

I think there must be more at play here than just your MIL. Was this something that was on the radar before your reconciliation? Or did this just suddenly become a "thing" once you reconciled? Was this his idea or hers?

I think the two of you need to have a heart to heart about the future and really come to terms with what is going to happen. These types of caregiver arrangements can go on for a very long time. People go into them thinking they are a short term solution and they can last for years. He is likely not being realistic or using this as a gap fill and if this was on the radar BEFORE you reconciled, he didn't take you into consideration when he made the decision, and now he needs to rethink with you as part of the equation.

Needless to say, this doesn't work for everyone. And he can't be very much help to her if he's never there. You don't really even mention if he intends to take YOU with him when he moves. I think when I first read your post I assumed you meant that the two of you would go, but now I'm not so sure that is even his intent. Would you be moving or just him? If you are intending to make your marriage work, how can you even do that if he works 7 days a week and isn't even living in the same house and spends the rest of his free time taking care of his mother?
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

She only has too many assets for FREE help. She can get help by paying for it.

How does your husband plan to be his mother's caretaker if he works 7 days a week? If he means you are BOTH moving into his mother's house so YOU can do the care taking, say "NO."

If your husband assumes you are conveniently available to help facilitate his plan, you need to make it clear you are not.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

Don't do it!!!
I wish I had never taken on this responsibility! And it's tough to get out of without being an a$$.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

I think that is great that he wants to help his mother, but it's not him who will be doing the helping if he is gone 7 days a week until dark. It will be you. How convenient that you are back in the home....

Have a very open conversation with your husband. Her assets are going to have to be liquidated to pay for her care.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

I think that's so wonderful that he wants to help his MOTHER
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Seekingtruth123 Jun 2022
That depends why he wants to help I would say.
(0)
Report
If she needs help at night, then she’s gonna need help during the day as well and he’ll be working. It seems like he needs to arrange an in-home assessment to determine what kind of support is needed. She may or may not be safe to be home alone at any time. Lack of finances tend to be the reason why people aren’t able to get the help they need. If she has plenty then that’s a huge win and they should take advantage of those resources. I do think the timing of a move back with mom right after you and he reunited is worth having a level with me conversation.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter