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My husband and I, after a year of separation, got back together. He works 7 days a week until dark and now he says he's thinking over moving home with his mom to be her caregiver. She requires a lot of things done. I'm disabled due to many health problems myself . I'm just confused on this. She has too many assets to get help.

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What is your question? Because I have a few:

How is your husband going to 'care for his mother' if he works 7 days a week?

Where is there TIME for your husband to be an elder's caregiver?

Where does that leave YOU in the scheme of things? Living alone after 'getting back together?'

If she has 'too many assets' financially, then she can afford to pay for help HERSELF. That's the purpose of having money; to use it in old age to pay for help. Not to rely on the government to step in and pay for what we ourselves can afford.

Do you rely on your husband to take care of you since you are 'disabled due to a lot of health problems'? If so, where does that leave you?

If your husband wants to get back together with you after a year of separation and then says he is thinking over moving in with his mother to be her caregiver, then it begs the question does he REALLY want to get back together with you?

Sit down and have a real heart-to-heart talk with the man.

Best of luck!
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Tell him not to do it I regret becoming my mother’s caregiver Your time and home are never your own again My husband and I have no privacy and we have to plan our vacations around finding care for her If I had it to do over again I would not do it
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LoveScrabble Jun 2022
I'm right there with you, Ckmary. Sometimes I wonder if my mother will out live me. Very stressful.
(12)
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I think that the second honeymoon may be over. Your husband sounds exceptionally unrealistic. I wish you well, but you may be headed back into separation of living spaces and finances.
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Well...I guess you know where you stand on his priority list.
I just can't see how any of this is right.
I can't even think of anything nice to say about this.
Cut your losses and when he moves out contact a lawyer and see what the lawyer says. (wait until he moves out and moves into his mothers house. It might be considered abandonment, gives you a better case in the divorce proceedings)
**ok, call me cynical**
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Lol. You're welcome
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My SO stayed with his mom when she and his dad had their first major declines. He was getting paid to do this then.

He realized that he needed to get a real job, and that once he did it would be literally him having only time to come home for a shower, if that. And the day caregiver would take over any days off. The latter had already started happening.

We would literally have no time to see each other.

You might be ok with a trial period if you are adl independent and he the breadwinner. I’d say two weeks should be plenty for him to figure out he’d rather be home with you.
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Marriage counselling.
Your husband would benefit from working out what he actually wants to do.

Is he in this marriage or not?

Helping Mother and working those hours sounds more like a wishful thinking plan to me. Also a bit like having a reason to 'run away'.

I hope you have other more supportive people around you. If not, maybe explore some counselling on your own. See what supports & services exist & start building a pathway to your own new future.
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If he insists on it, run like hell.

Beware the mommy's boys. There's a reason Norman Bates was single.
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sibling1966 Jun 2022
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Sorry Zippy Dee. The Norman Bates comment made me laugh.
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What with his mother, his marriage and his double-full-time job that takes all the daylight hours your husband seems to lead a dog's life. I should think he's just as confused as you are, wouldn't you? The poor man can't know if he's coming or going.

What caused the separation?

What did you both agree on when you were reconciled?

Do you both still want the marriage to work? If the answer to that is a strong yes, then help him sort out a better plan for his mother than reliance on caregiving from a son who, with the best will in the world, just can't do the job.
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BurntCaregiver Jun 2022
Country,

You know what so often happens when a grown man's elerly "loved one" needs care.
The caregiving gets put on his woman. If he doesn't have one, he gets one.
The OP needs to have a straight and plain talk with her husband about what he really wants.
Is the reconciliation because his mother needs caregiving services or because he truly wants his marriage back?
Don't think this didn't cross my own mind briefly when I reconciled with my ex-husband. His parents are elderly. He has numerous elderly relatives also. He's a soft heart and always wants to help everyone.
We had a serious talk. We will also have a legal contract made by a lawyer stating that we will not move any family members into our home in order to be caregivers. Also, that neither one of us will relocate and move into a relative's home to provide caregiving.
We're not heartless, but we've put strict limits on what level of caregiving we are willing to help with should family be in need and for how long.
There is also a clause about babysitting and childcare, and also the "taking in" of my freeloader relatives because there's always someone who needs a place to stay. Our house is not available.
We will place our elderly family in care. We will direct family members towards social services for assistance and you find childcare. We're not paying for any of it or doing it ourselves.
My soon to be former ex-husband has seen what being a caregiving slave has done to me and we're not having it ever again.
The OP should ask her husband for a contract like what I'm having with mine. If he still wants to reconcile and save his marriage it will be for the right reasons.
(4)
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Let him do it. He will find that caring for Mom can't be done with his schedule. You do nothing for her or he won't see how hard it is.
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Countrymouse Jun 2022
I don't think the OP does do anything for the MIL, does she?
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It reads to me as though your husband is thinking that getting back together wasn’t a good idea. Moving to mother’s place is a polite way of saying ‘I’m out of here’. What actual care he does is up to him when he gets there. The 'excuse' may also make it easier to change his mind back again - blame it on caring for mother.
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sibling1966 Jun 2022
Yea it reads that way to me also. It sounds like even if he goes to look after his mother as an excuse, will he want to return to his wife if and when the mother passes or it gets to much. Maybe he never intended to make the marriage work second time around after all. This being the case, I hope she has the good sense to get in with her own life.
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My husband moved back home with mum after his first marriage ended in divorce and looked after her for ten years. She had a lot of medical problems physically but she didn’t have dementia. When I met him, she and I didn’t get on at first, it was pretty tough trying to juggle a relationship while he cared for her but in the end, things were much better. My husband is an only child, so he had no one to help him, and he managed very well. She passed in 2013 and we got married in 2017.
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deosgood Jun 2022
Your husband picked a good wife
(8)
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Don't
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Working 7 days weekly? What kind of job does he work? Your husband has no time to help anyone and needs to work something out to better care for himself, first.
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He needs to stay home with his wife and let mommies assets take care of her own ass.
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Tonia722020 Jun 2022
The day may come when you need help and someone will say YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR OWN A*S what a gross thing to say.
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How is he going to take care of her if he works 7days and until dark? You cant do it... She needs to sell some of them assets and help needs to be hired in 7 days until dark until he gets home. That's the question you need to be asking your husband.
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If she needs help at night, then she’s gonna need help during the day as well and he’ll be working. It seems like he needs to arrange an in-home assessment to determine what kind of support is needed. She may or may not be safe to be home alone at any time. Lack of finances tend to be the reason why people aren’t able to get the help they need. If she has plenty then that’s a huge win and they should take advantage of those resources. I do think the timing of a move back with mom right after you and he reunited is worth having a level with me conversation.
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I think that's so wonderful that he wants to help his MOTHER
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Seekingtruth123 Jun 2022
That depends why he wants to help I would say.
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I think that is great that he wants to help his mother, but it's not him who will be doing the helping if he is gone 7 days a week until dark. It will be you. How convenient that you are back in the home....

Have a very open conversation with your husband. Her assets are going to have to be liquidated to pay for her care.
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Don't do it!!!
I wish I had never taken on this responsibility! And it's tough to get out of without being an a$$.
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She only has too many assets for FREE help. She can get help by paying for it.

How does your husband plan to be his mother's caretaker if he works 7 days a week? If he means you are BOTH moving into his mother's house so YOU can do the care taking, say "NO."

If your husband assumes you are conveniently available to help facilitate his plan, you need to make it clear you are not.
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This is a no win situation.

You mention in your profile that "we" moved your own mother into a nursing home because you could not give her the care that she needed. Now your husband is considering moving to live with his mother to be her caregiver immediately following your reconciliation. He works 7 days a week until dark (though you don't say if that means he works full time, I think a lot of us are assuming that means he works a lot of hours, it doesn't explicitly HAVE to mean that - he could also go in later in the day or work different hours) regardless of his schedule he is clearly away from home a good number of hours daily.

You don't mention what your own disability is. BUT you have been separated from your husband for a year so I'm going to make a leap that you can take care of yourself physically, but maybe just not work and receive disability?

And you mention that she 'has too many assets to get help'. What has she tried to this point? Is your husband simply trying to facilitate her care so that she won't have to spend her own funds to go into an Assisted Living Facility or Skilled Nursing Facility? What kinds of needs does she actually have? Why does he need to move into her home? Does she need full time care? If so how will he continue to work and care for her?

I think there must be more at play here than just your MIL. Was this something that was on the radar before your reconciliation? Or did this just suddenly become a "thing" once you reconciled? Was this his idea or hers?

I think the two of you need to have a heart to heart about the future and really come to terms with what is going to happen. These types of caregiver arrangements can go on for a very long time. People go into them thinking they are a short term solution and they can last for years. He is likely not being realistic or using this as a gap fill and if this was on the radar BEFORE you reconciled, he didn't take you into consideration when he made the decision, and now he needs to rethink with you as part of the equation.

Needless to say, this doesn't work for everyone. And he can't be very much help to her if he's never there. You don't really even mention if he intends to take YOU with him when he moves. I think when I first read your post I assumed you meant that the two of you would go, but now I'm not so sure that is even his intent. Would you be moving or just him? If you are intending to make your marriage work, how can you even do that if he works 7 days a week and isn't even living in the same house and spends the rest of his free time taking care of his mother?
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Sounds like a bad idea to me! :(
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As a mother of 3 sons, if any one of them offer to be my carer when I get older (I'm not young by any means now) it's a "thank you for offering, how lovely of you but no thank you" .
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If he's thinking of moving in with her. Sounds like he wants out of the relationship. You didn't word it as, he's thinking of caretaking for her. You worded it as he is moving in with her.

He works 7 days a week until dark. Sounds like he has no time for anyone. Work is his mistress. Look up workaholics. It is a way to avoid intimacy. They are always busy and can't do anything.

Let him move in with his mom. He won't have time for her either.
You don't have a husband but an room mate who just came home to eat and sleep.
If he's moving out, to be with her, you'll never see him. Let him go.
Doesn't sound like you had much of him anyway. You had crumbs.
Hell find out its not so fun. All his time will be taken up with her needs.
Did he say my mom needs more help, what can WE do? No he announced he's moving in with her. He's already made a decision. He didnt even include you. Just made up his mind. I don't think you can compete with a mom with aging needs.
Let him go. He didn't bother to include you in the plan. Therefore he's not thinking of you. I'd pack his things and have them at the door. I wouldn't give him the opportunity to come and go at leisure and move out at convenience. He never asked you, consulted you about anything.
He doesn't care about your feelings at all if he never consulted you. He's not worth the crumbs he can give you. He's already married to his job.
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If she requires a night person, who is doing for her during the day?
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If he's thinking of moving in with her, sounds like he wants out of the relationship. You worded it as he is thinking of moving in with her. Not he wants US to move in with her. Or what do WE do about this situation. Big difference.

He works 7 days a week until dark. Sounds like he has no time for anyone. Work is his mistress. Look up why people are workaholics. It is a way to avoid intimacy, and low self esteem. They are always busy and can't do anything, gotta go.

Let him move in with his mom. He won't have time for her either.
You don't have a husband but an room mate who just came home for a meal, shower and sleep.

If he's moving out, to be with her, you'll never see him. Let him go.
Doesn't sound like you had much of him anyway. You had crumbs.
Hell find out its not so fun. All his time will be taken up with her needs. He'll move in, then be crying on your shoulder its too much. Don't fall into that trap. I wouldn't answer the phone.
Did he say my mom needs more help, what can WE do? What can be done, let's brain storm. No he announced he's moving in with her. He's already made a decision. He include you. Just made up his mind. I don't think you can compete with a mom with aging needs. Your lower than #1 job needs, #2 her needs, #3 his needs. Your #4 on the list. Do you like being #4? Your needs didn't figure into the equation.
Let him go. He didn't bother to include you in the plan. Therefore he's not thinking of you. I'd pack his things and have them at the door. I wouldn't give him the opportunity to come and go at leisure, and move out at convenience, which could drag on and on, and back and forth and expect cuddle, meals and a warm bed on occassion when hes bored. He never asked you, consulted you about anything. He made up his mind. At least by your post.
He doesn't care about your feelings, if he never consulted you. He's not worth the crumbs he can give you. He's already married to his job. I wouldn't let him get situated over there and come back when he feels like it. Once he's gone I'd have him stay gone.
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Sounds like he didn’t use the words separation..hugs to you
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If he's thinking of moving in with her, sounds like he wants out of the relationship. You worded it as he is thinking of moving in with her. Not he wants US to move in with her. Or what do WE do about this situation. Big difference.

He works 7 days a week until dark. Sounds like he has no time for anyone. Work is his mistress. Look up why people are workaholics. It is a way to avoid intimacy, low self esteem, anxiety, and as an accomplishment. Normal people dont live to work. They are always busy and can't do anything, gotta go. Good excuse not to deal with anything.

Let him move in with his mom. He won't have time for her either.
You don't have a husband but an soon to be ex room mate who just came home for a meal, shower and sleep.

If he's moving out, to be with her, you'll never see him. Let him go.
Doesn't sound like you had much of him anyway. You had crumbs.
Hell find out its not so fun. All his time will be taken up with her needs. He'll move in, then be crying on your shoulder its too much. Don't fall into that trap. I wouldn't answer the phone once he's gone.
Did he say my mom needs more help, what can WE do? What can be done, let's brain storm? No he announced he's moving in with her. He's already made a decision. He didnt include you. Just made up his mind. I don't think you can compete with a mom with aging needs. Your lower than #1 job needs, #2 her needs, #3 his needs. Your #4 on the list. Do you like being #4? Your needs didn't figure into the equation.
Let him go. He didn't bother to include you in the plan. Therefore he's not thinking of you. I'd pack his things and have them at the door. I wouldn't give him the opportunity to come and go at leisure, and move out at convenience, which could drag on and on, and back and forth and expect cuddle, meals and a warm bed on occassion when he's bored. He never asked you, consulted you about anything. He made up his mind. At least by your post.
He doesn't care about your feelings, if he never consulted you. He's not worth the crumbs he can give you. Which will soon be an occasional phone call. He's already married to his job. I wouldn't let him get situated over there and come back when he feels like it. For a hot meal and a shoulder to lean on. Once he's gone I'd have him stay gone. If he didn't consult you about the move, he doesn't care for your opinion. What is that saying- people show you who they really are. Believe them.
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Tell him to watch the movie Psycho and all episodes of Bates Motel because she will turn him into "Norman Bates" before he knows what hit him. I'm not even kidding.
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