How to cope with anger brewing inside me?

I totally understand where you're coming from. Everyone else here does too. You've definitely got caregiver burnout. Now it's time for things to change.
You cannot be the one and only caregiver anymore. Now there has to be outside help brought in, or the person you're caring for needs to be placed in a care facility/nursing home.
Your sisters are getting the luxury of living away from it, but don't assume they aren't aware of what's going on. Many times in families one sibling is becomes the caregiver because it's convenient for everyone involved. Of course not for the person who gets designated. The siblings will often not inquire too much because they don't want to take any of it on themselves.
You are living in a high-risk situation for elder abuse. Your sisters need to be made aware of this and that you need help. Let them know this or you will be forced to drop the elder off at the ER and they then become a ward of the state. So, if your sisters are looking forward to any kind of inheritance at some point they can kiss it good-bye. If it comes to this for you, the state takes it all.

If you don't want to do this any longer, you don't have to.  It is ok to say my mom or dad needs 24/7 care and I can't physically do it anymore.  You don't have to accept the "short straw" just because you live closer than your sisters do.  To manage the care of someone is HUGE and getting angry about it is perfectly normal.  My own anger didn't subside until I moved mom into assisted living and then it felt manageable to me and not taking every minute of my time and energy.  There is still plenty to do for her, but I am able to have my own life. 

I would schedule a zoom with your sisters and explain that you're tired, you're angry and it's time to look for a long term care facility.  They can then do one of two things...offer to take on the responsibility themselves or they can come into town and help you look for a LTC facility and assist with all the paperwork involved.

What made me feel better about making the decision for my mom was flipping the situation.  I would never expect my own daughter to give up her life and work herself to death so that I wouldn't have to go to a facility.  I wouldn't want her hating to come into her own home because she dreaded having to bathe me, feed me, change me,...whatever.  I could never be that selfish.  If I was unable to make decisions for myself, I would want her to help me find a safe clean place to go that was close by so she could visit and check in on me.

Don't feel guilty.  Make healthy decisions for you and your parent.

Take care.

Anger is a warning sign that something outside of your control is beginning to harm you. Now you have to fight or flee - only you and the situation can choose for you. You have every right to feel anger (I sure would). I don't think that you should have to deal with the constant frustration and anger for which there seems to be no solution. If no one will help you can you get a caretaker? And if that doesn't work, you will have to place her in a facility. Do not let someone else's situation destroy YOUR life.

You have every right to feel angry, frustrated, resentful, etc. I wish I knew how to let go of it all, too. My mother died in NOV 2018 and my father in May 2020 and I'm still angry and unable to get over the fact that all the responsibility for them was dumped in my lap 15 years ago when they followed me to where I was living in Florida. Both were toxic, difficult individuals in their own ways. My retirement years and my health were ruined. Traveling/vacations were put on hold as their neediness was a full time job. My 2 younger brothers got off scot-free by living 1100 miles away. I didn't expect any hands on help of course due to distance, but neither ever helped out one penny towards their care or living expenses for 5 years in Independent Living apartment (yes, I asked). Worst of all was the total lack of moral support for all the times I was overwhelmed with worry and stress. Out of sight, out of mind. They were well aware that I am on full disability for PTSD and I should never have been put in this position. I never had kids and I would never be able to change a diaper or wipe anyone's butt. At least I made it clear to my parents years ago that living with me would never be an option. When they went to AL in July 2018, I thought my life would get easier but they still expected me to do everything. They never got the concept of AL. Had to start saying no. "No I can't drive you to the doctor/pharmacy/grocery store. They provide transportation. I can hardly lift and fit your walker in my car. If you fall, I can't lift you." They insisted I bring groceries even though the facility had a wonderful restaurant style dining room, 3 meals a day. I know the food was good, I ate several meals with them there. All they did was complain about everything, they hated everything. They each bitched about the other to me constantly. Then, the wrong parent died first, leaving me to deal with a sociopathic narcissist, who told everyone lies for attention or sympathy. He treated my mom like crap for 64 years and his verbal/emotional abuse is what killed her. Every time I visited him, I got the added bonus of being screamed and sworn at in TWO languages. I went from very low contact to no contact in January before the pandemic lockdowns. Couldn't take it anymore, couldn't stand to be in the same room with him. Had to block his number from leaving me voicemails with his demands. Whatever he needed was relayed by staff members and I'd drop it off at the front lobby. It was a nightmare that wouldn't end until I finally got 'the call.' No guilt or grief, just relief. He was a miserable, disordered, hateful human being. Off my PTSD meds for 2 years now thanks to damn liver disease. So, yeah, still angry and I just don't know how to get over it. Once his estate is settled, I'll be done with my siblings too.

Ok, a lot of these answers deal with handling the mess, but not many are addressing your question of how to deal with the anger.

You need to prepare a list of your frustrations and concerns, what is really bothering you. Another list of all the tasks you are doing, or feel you have to do. Then make a list of things someone else can/could do instead of you.

The next step depends on what kind of relationship you have with your sisters. Schedule a meeting and present them with the list. Tell them how you are feeling and ask them what they are willing to do to help YOU. You need help and you have to figure out how to get it.

If that's not feasible, or you don’t trust that your sisters will help, than you need to get some outside help. This might range from therapy for you, to aids to help with your parent, to finding a care facility to place them. Do you have a religious affiliation that you can reach out to for advice? A local Agency on Aging?

Ask yourself what would happen if you got sick or had a breakdown, who cares for Dad then? I realize it is difficult right now to accept an outsider into your home but it might be the best solution right now. I hope you are able to get the vaccine you yourself and your parent, contact your doctor ASAP.

Good luck, and keep in touch. You found this forum so it's a good start.

My 2 sisters live in different states, so I’m struggling to care for my mom alone. It feels as if they are kicked back, enjoying life, while I struggle. But God sees and knows all. Don’t worry. One day, the tables will be turned. Hang in there. Hire additional aides and ask family to pitch in to pay for what they can’t do for your mom.

Imho, I, too, was tired of wiping up the bathroom floor and toilet seat while having had to live out of state and in with my mother to care for her in her home. But you must remember - this, too, will end. I know that it isn't a comforting thought, but it's the truth. Prayers sent.

I feel your pain and frustration. My brother lives out of the country so he's no help. He doesn't even call regularly to check in on mom or me. When we do hear from him he offers no real support or acknowledgement of all I'm doing for OUR 98yo mother. When I tell him he goes mute. No comment. Being a caregiver has changed me and not for the better. I never thought it would be soooo hard. I know my husband and adult children have seen the change in me. I still work fulltime. In a sense, my workplace has become my happy place. My husband cannot help much bc she wants no male help when it comes to toileting and hygiene which is a huge part of caregiving. My grace and compassion has run out. My nerves are shot! Mom was in respite care for about 6 weeks and it was heavenly and a welcomed break. However, my 6 weeks of rest was zapped in 1 day of her being back home. I knew I couldn't continue to use my work breaks and lunch hour to care for my mom during the day anymore and everyday. It was just too stressful. I had to have some outside help. I now have an aide come 5/days a week for 6.0 hours a day to help Mom while I am at work. I am grateful for this but it still leaves me with the evening and night shift and weekends. It doesn't get easier. I'm resentful because when Mom was in her sixties, she was retired and had a life of her own and enjoyed many activities to do as she pleased. I don't have that luxury or spontaneity. We have no privacy. I'm stuck because she cannot be left alone. She can't walk anymore and needs to be transfered alot. I'm so tired and it isn't getting easier. I have no real answer for you. I know walks, meeting with friends, exercising, getting away for awhile, getting some outside help are all good ideas and help for the moment but the fact remains your loved one is still there when you return and its back to the same old same old. My other friends are tired of hearing my woes and complaints so I stopped talking to them about it. I do so appreciate this forum because people here understand. They are living it or have lived it. I can vent here. Lots of good learning here too. Hugs to all the caregivers!

IS it almost time for the assisted living for your loved one? Channel your anger into productive research as to how nice one assisted living facility is over the other? Start with the food-- is it Sysco (?)-- in which every 6 months the management replaces the cook because there are only so many ways to fix the same stuff over and over-- would you want to live somewhere where the food was tiresome? There are other food providers-- like Gordons (YUM-YUM!) -- so do you homework now or wish you had. Look for places with great entertainment directors who love to show their love for the folks living in the facility-- example--- a Really Great Director-- #1 enlisted the help of a sweet red-haired obviously comically-inclined who would saunter over to the ladies camped out in overstuffed chairs in the lobby and tell them jokes off her tablet with a straight face until they all died laughing-=- sorry poor wording but you get my point-- QUALITY ! is important ! One place every year brought in ever so small D Shetland Ponies dressed up in costumes ! And had an outdoor courtyard that doubled as a garden planted by the residents ! Also had a babypool out there that was filled with ducklings -- until they flew away... but it was great !
EVENTUALLY you are gonna need a break, a permanent one-- or you will go nuts and regret any stuff you say or do. Do your HOMEWORK, soldier !
NOW, soldier !

While I didn't do the actual care for my mother, the anger building up with my brothers was really impacting me. They were not just less than helpful, they were often hurtful (verbally AND physically!) Hormones had nothing to do with it, as I am well past that point!

In my case, I started an email to each one, set it aside and came back now and then to add or edit. Eventually I just left them in the draft folder. I got out most of what I needed to say. I realized sending these would NOT make a difference as they wouldn't recognize or accept anything I had to say and it would likely result in flak back. So, they sit in that folder to this day. I just learned to ignore them and do what needed to be done for mom.

Your case is a little different only in that it doesn't sound like your sisters are interfering, but they also aren't helping much. I would imagine it's difficult to deal with personal care for any man who isn't a husband or son, but for a dad! I really don't think I could have done what you do for my mother. It isn't the reason I chose MC, as there were MANY reasons I couldn't do it (and those 2 clowns wouldn't have been the right way to go!) For those who say they changed our diapers, it isn't anywhere NEAR the same! Some who provide care for parents have never had their own kids, so they don't even have that experience, though it still isn't the same!

I do hope you have access to some of his assets/income so you can hire some help. You DO need ME time. Doing that 24/7 is not doable by one person. Whenever possible, do find time to get out or away from the care, even if it's a half hour for that bike ride! The physical energy for that should help burn off some of the anger. Learn to recognize when that anger is building up and take a breather (obviously not mid-brief change....), even if it's just to step outside or into another room, take some deep breaths, relax your body.

Sympathies to you and all others going through this!

I know how you feel. I am dealing with a similar situation but it has not come to incontinence yet. If it does, it will be time for a nursing home. My husband and I work and still have our own lives to live. We can't do this forever, especially when more care is required. Helping with every meal and showers and meds and dressing is enough to wear us out! We recently put a toilet near the bed for my mother-in-law. If she gets any worse, we can't give her the proper care she needs. We are busy working. She has fallen once already. It is very stressful. We don't have any help because no other siblings and with Covid we don't want workers in the house. If I were you, I would forget about expecting help from your sisters. They can't tolerate it. And that's okay. Not everybody is cut out for it. It robs you of your life. It may be time to place your dad in a care facility. Do it for both of you!

I would be sick and furious too. I am, after all, just a simple human being. Some people are fit to be caretakers and others are not. Just as not everyone can be a scientist or an engineer. I don't know the physical/mental condition or age of the patient or what your life is like. Are you married? Working? Family? All those factors need to be considered and choices made accordingly. It sounds to me as if her needs could use a caretaker or aides in an assisted living or nursing home. I do NOT think YOU should have to take on this duty until the patient passes because it will overwhelm you and eventually destroy you. Think long and hard.

I ended up with cancer because I took on my mother’s care and we never had a good relationship to begin with. The stress was unbearable and the outcome for me was cancer after about 5 yrs of caring for my mother. Both my sisters died, so I was the only one left. If I had to do it over again, I would have suggested that we both think about her future care for about 6 months and then decide on what’s best. My mother is still here. She will be 95 yrs old and she is on hospice now, but I still have to do some things. It will be 9 yrs total that I have had to be her caretaker - all while treating for NHL. Be very careful about what you choose when taking on this responsibility. It is all consuming......

You need to do what you need to do to save yourself. Period.
Enlist your sisters to help out financially so you can hire caregivers.
The anger will continue to affect you in every way.
FIRST, you need to know you deserve a quality life.
SECOND, get professional support to work through your feelings.
THIRD, get professional help to learn what your options are in terms of placing your loved one in a care facility. Even if you decide not to do that, you will know what your options are.

I guess I usually start my replies with 'how much available income' because that is such a huge factor. How much income/assets does she have? Would it afford you someone coming in each morning to get the day started - diaper change, bathing? If so, start using it for that. Perhaps not having to wake up to being on 24/7 duty would not start your day on a bad note.

If your sisters have no idea of what you're going through, why don't they know. You cannot assume that those on the outside know what you need if you don't tell them. Ask. Can they start coming for a couple months at a time? Can they help pay for in home assistance for a set number of days per month? WHAT can they do to help you ease the burden? They may say you're on your own OR they may offer to help in some way. Ask, don't assume and don't sit back and wait for them to ask you. Have a conference call as soon as possible.

If you get no offer of help, then you need to tell them both what your Plan B is: putting her in a facility or keeping her in your home and continuing as is.

Its refreshing to see post asking for help from Jesus in one of the worst times one can go through. A week without Jesus makes one weak. I would concentrate on getting help then go from there, even taking the steps of getting help will alleviate the anger. Remember it won’t last forever.

Create your exit plan.

My Mam is able to walk but demands help all the time. But if I go out on my walk , sometimes I come back and find a dirty knife with butter on it in the drawer, so she is well able to get around if she wants. I'm learning now , I need to look after my mental health so if it gets to a stage where, like you, Mam has to be changed etc , m just Not going to do it. God love you because I know dactyl how you are feeling.

I am in the same predicament as you. I took my Mam in to my home from hospital and I look after her 24/7. My sisters who all live away were supposed to come over for three months each in during the year and take their turn but one came for six weeks and that was that. I have taken up painting and I go out for a walk every day with my two dogs but I still do feel very Angry and used. My Mam wants No one else around her only me and if when my Adult kids call or my friend she puts on a smile but I know she hates them calling. She won't read, walk etc and just sits watching tv from 12 am until 1pm in the night.

It is really normal to dislike that side of caring. Who enjoys the cleaning up of accidents etc. and it isn't just (or really that) either. The sad thing about looking after the old is that everyone knows that it won't get any better. It isn't like looking after babies and toddlers who get more independent as they grow and have other very many compensatory joys!
Our elderly relatives are generally ungrateful and understandably fed up.
It sounds like you are not sharing enough - not the burden or your feelings about it. Maybe time to get some respite? Can anyone step in? Ask your relatives to do it and try being assertive about it - they won't want you to abandon ship because you can't cope any more. If they can't step in, maybe they can fund help.
Good luck! x

I feel the same way. My sister never helped. When my mom drank and made a mess of everything during covid I thought I would die. 5 times to the emergency room or hospital stays. No housekeeper nor caregiver to help her because of covid. We moved in to help save her and 45 days later she kicked us out. She us grieving from my dad passing in 2019. We had no thanksgiving or Christmas because she simply couldn’t handle it and she didn’t care who she hurt. It’s so very hard and exhausting for my husband and I. Her Christmas tree I put up in December is still up! She’s 74 only. Lord help us all with being caregivers. We handled the whole yard and neighbors do her garbage. All she has to do is take her dog for a walk and get the mail. My mother. I love her but she has tired us both out.

We all have to do what we can as caregivers. However, I have always known I would draw a line if it came to elimination issues. I cannot and will not deal with it. If that point comes with my mother she will either go into a nursing home or pay for an aide.

Would you be able to meet and talk with your sisters. I can’t imagine they would want you in this type of situation. Maybe it’s time to make a change.

Best of luck to you. You need a break.

Get more helpers: family members (sisters can take over while you get a vacation), friends, members of faith community, and paid help (home health aides, sitters, respite in a residential facility). If there is an added expense, it should come from the finances of the person you care for or as the "share of the burden" that your sisters provide. Just be aware that you can not make another person pay for your loved one's care - no sending surprise bills.

Take time for yourself. Caregivers are notorious for giving and giving and giving and neglecting themselves. You need time away to recharge your batteries: 7-9 hours of sleep daily, 3 regular meals, time for your health needs (go see your doctor about those hormones), and to enjoy life with friends and activities.

Can you step away a little? Hire some part time help. Its exhausting and never ends.
Not just the nastiness and filth but the constant repeating and mindless questions, demands over and over.
They all need to be on a regular schedule like babies everyday but my mom refuses.
She has no interests or hobbies other than sleeping, eating or constantly complaining. Her wish is to be entertained but when family is able to visit she demands they only come when she has slept half the day.
Her poor doctor gets the same questions at her monthly check ins.

"Well after my mom died 7 years ago my dad sold his house and purchased a 5th wheel, did a little traveling, but made my home town his base, I guess he chose me. In all actuality I am the one who’s most able to care for him. He recently moved in with us, his health is declining and he can no longer take care of himself."

I'm not understanding at all why you can't change your situation and why you have to take care of him. He has the power to choose who is going to be his caregiver? WHY?

I've never liked the "put up, shut up, offer it up" kind of advice that people love to give caregivers. (Not saying it's only offered here.)

I feel your pain. I have my husband to help, but I find it so hard not to get angry with my mother. I know she can't help it - her dementia is getting worse all the time, but it's relentless. The only thing she can do without help is eat, and even then she falls asleep before finishing the meal. I don't know if your mother has dementia but it sounds like it from what you are saying.
What helps me is to make sure I take time out to do things for myself and having a schedule to work to.
In the morning, I put her on the loo, change the pad and brush her teeth.
I do my gym/yoga session while she is having breakfast.
An hour after breakfast, I put her on the loo so that she can do her business while I have my breakfast. It's important to not wait for them to say they need the toilet. Most days, there are no accidents when I do this. Then I clean her up and put her to bed.
She gets her lunch at around 1 when I change the pad again and put her to sit in the sitting room so she can interact with whoever is watching TV.
At 5pm I put her on the loo again. Change the pad
8pm the same
10pm is change and bedtime.
So yes, when things happen outside of the schedule, I get angry, but I keep telling myself it's not her fault and try my best to calm down. The anger just makes us sick.

Here are some things that help me deal with helping dad. The below help me to keep things manageable. Prior to my dad I cared for mom.
1-Buy disposable gloves
2- If getting to the bathroom is hard. Get a bedside commode and place bed side commode liners in them. Walmart and Amazon sell them. I found these to be the best quality. Medline - MDS89664LINER Commode Liners 
3-My dad now just stands and uses a urinal to pee. Then I dump and rinse. We have two and change out daily. The one not in use I place 2 denture tabs in overnight to clean. He still has accidental pees in the depends, but having a urinal handy has helped.
4-Get a diaper pale to use during the day, Place a grocery store plastic bag in it. Put soiled depends I have found Tena for men to be the best for dad. For my mom Sams club depends worked great. For dad Tena has been the best for absorbency and leaks
5-Put a lined trash can in the garage, put all soiled disposable items in here. Bagged diaper pale items, disposable pads etc
6- Get some washable and disposable bed pads. Oxyclean does wonders for the washable pads
7- Adult wipes from Sam’s club are great for wipe downs after accidents
8- Desitin, this is a must. Put some between the bottom cheeks, On upper inside of legs and around personal parts to avoid bed/depend rash sores. Dad and I are past the embarrassment stage. The personal parts we do every 3 day unless he has a break out, the daily. The back side cheek area I coat morning and night.
9-For bowel issues dad uses Senna-S, if needed Metamucil in his coffee or juice. We have found the Senna-S plus the Metamucil which his doctor recommended for his chronic constipation has been a great solution, after we did one fleet treatment to get the packed poop out. The Metamucil is a as needed. The senna-S daily.

I hope some of the above help. Once covid is over get some occasional adult care helpers. I had helpers with mom until 4 months before she passed. Dad started needing help 3 months before mom passed after taking to bed for 3 days with a fever.
I plan to get helpers again after covid for some breaks. Make sure to find some alone time daily. There are times after I help dad up the lift and to bed I go downstairs and find comfort sitting in moms chair.

Take it all to Jesus.
It may sound corny but it is true.
Everything we have been through, He has been through.
I cannot count the number of times I had no one to turn to but Jesus. Then, I realized I did not need to turn anywhere else anyways because He was all I needed. Joseph a son of Jehovah.
Now, not only will He sooth your anger but will lead you where you can get the proper help. Most times with me, it has been in unusual places in unusual ways.
I speak from decades of service unto Him all over the world in many extremely difficult situations.

I get it! Yup...even with mom in a memory care I have times I feel angry that I deal with all the financial {I am POA} , all the shopping, the majority of zooms, organizing Christmas and her birthday so she feels loved, the dealing with staff etc. This is one year and it feels like 10yrs! I have tried online mental counseling..some days..now many days...I feel ok...sometimes I need to withdraw from it for a full day and do just me! This is a life sentence...no way around it..I gave in and accept this is my retirement...acceptance has helped.

Hello, I am in the same boat, but grandma is not at the level of your love one. She uses bed side toilet and diapers, but she can use the restroom. She is declining in health though. My siblings don’t help and the one who could help moved to another state. Yes I was all of the above and I too am going through mood swings because of peri menopause. It’s horrible. However I turned to God and pray. I added a few supplements magnesium which helps with stress. Nothing helped more than my prayer life. Forgiveness and letting go of any expectations from my siblings. I became free to love them right in their decisions and freed me from stress. It’s not fair, but in life ever is. Sometimes we are tested in our faith and this I feel is one. Do we run and let defeat win or do we give our problems to God and stand strong? If you are a Bible reader you will see that God is strongest in our weakness. I have never been so weak as I am as a caregiver. Allowing Him to show his strength through you and me is a miracle in itself because I have seen my own transformation. Turning back to my grandmother. It is still difficult doing 100% care for someone even when they appreciate it. I always said if she needed me I would be here. I am here but never thought in a billion years she would need this level of care which is beyond the visions I saw. Yet God who strengthen us all to be in the role of caring for someone is a gift. To make us stronger and even more believer. This is more care than caring for all 4 of my children, yet he says you can do it through me. Grab my hand I will show you how. Each time I feel weak I run to my prayer room. I promise you if you are into a spiritual life you will let the Lord meet you and help you in your role. He can even show us when it’s time to transfer the care to a facility. Along with the advice you have been given strength will come.