How to cope with anger brewing inside me?

Leanne, you have not completed your profile and I have not looked to check other posts you may have made.

Burnout is a real concern to caregivers. It may be time to look into options for additional support. Can you parent pay for help? Do you live with them or do they live with you?

Are they eligible for paid aid? Through Veterans Affairs, State or Provincial services? If in the US, can you get help through Medicaid?

Now to hormones, if you are perimenopausal or have gone through menopause (12 months after your last period), you may be helped by HRT. I know for me it has been a godsend. Please do not neglect your own health while providing care to another.

after a few calls, I was able to locate a support group for caregivers that meets weekly on Zoom. We’ve only met once so far but I was so happy about the people and the subjects we covered, I was so relieved.

I'm not sure it's realistic to blame 'hormones' on being angry for the burden of caring for an elder with incontinence issues, and being solely responsible for it, w/o help from your siblings.

My mother took on the burden of taking her mother (with no care needs) into our home for 25 years, although she blamed it on my father who insisted it was her 'obligation' to do so after her husband died young. My mother's anger and resentment over the situation ruined HER life, my fathers life, my grandmother's life and my childhood. All for feelings of 'obligation' that weren't necessary. Everyone would have been 100% better off had my grandmother been sent to live in her own apartment or off to Skilled Nursing, which is what eventually happened after she was shipped off to another daughter's home and the daughter said NO WAY. Off to Skilled Nursing she went, and she did fine there. Problem solved.

Look into placement for your loved one before you get SO burned out that there is no recuperation from it. Why put yourself through such a thing? You can 'love' your loved one and STILL have him or her placed into a good care management residence and become a visitor instead of a caregiver. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Good luck!

Dear "LeanneR,"

Caregiving takes a toll on all of us so please know you're not alone. We all have our moments. Even if some of it is hormonal, you still have to deal with it. Also, we feel the resentment of watching others whether it be siblings which I don't have as I'm the only child but, it can be extended family living the high life. We often feel like it's not fair and it isn't. Life in general is full of unfairness but, we still feel angst about it.

The best thing I can suggest is learning a physical way of channeling that anger so you can get it out (stuffing it, is never good) in a productive way. We each have what works for us. Sometimes it may be getting into your car and just scream, sometimes it's a good run, other times I've wanted to get a punching bag and give it and me a good workout. Or if talking is more your thing and you have a good friend that is willing to listen, share it with them.

I hope you can find something that will work for "you!"

You may be coming to a point where your human limitations cannot go on no matter how well intentioned or no matter how much you love. Right now these are, as you describe them, fluctuating feelings, but things will not get better and there may be a limit to your ability to sacrifice your own life in this manner. I would be open were I you to journaling and exploring your feelings. I am so sorry it is so tough right now. I could not do 24/7 care for a single day; I knew that all my life, and would not have attempted it. I cannot imagine how you do it. I wish you the very best.

You cope by making sure that you are also taking care of yourself. That means getting away on a regular basis, so you can do some fun things that you enjoy. Doesn't have to be anything fancy, I'm talking about going for a walk, going shopping, or out lunch or supper with friends, just something to give you the much needed breaks you need. You might have to hire some outside help to come in to stay with the person you're caring for(using their money of course)so you can get away, and that's ok. It must be done, if you're to continue on this journey. You are suffering from caregiver burnout, and it happens to those who don't also make themselves a priority too. So please try doing some little things for yourself. You might be surprised how much better you feel if you do. And if for some reason that doesn't work, then it's probably time to be looking for the appropriate facility to place your loved one in. God bless you.

LeanneR, I do know how you feel cuz I'm in the same situation with my Alz. incontinent mom.

The anger and resentment feelings are hard to deal with, and I don't have any good answer.

However, I can tell you a small trick that I use to avoid the pee/poop smell. I pray perfume generously in the air as I enter the bathroom. It's a cheap perfume that I got from dollar store but it is strong enough to overshadow the bad smell enough that my nose can't detect it. I also turn on the vent and keep the door open.

I also spray the toilet and the seat with rubbing alcohol to sanitize and deodorize. It works very well.

Ugh, who wouldn't be tired of the smell of pee and cleaning up poop?? Yuck. It's my line in the sand. When mom can't use the bathroom appropriately, I'm DONE. It is just not in me to deal with such things. A couple years ago, she was sick and was having accidents and I was literally crying. I begged my husband to help me. He handled it. I am beyond lucky.

But IF this were a regular thing, there is no way I would lean on him to handle it. That would be grossly unfair to him.

Anyway, you do NOT have to just chill out and accept this. You can choose to but there is no "have to". If you choose to, try things like deep breathing (not when you're near the scene of the crime, of course).

Have you tried things like limiting liquids past a certain time of night, say 6 PM. Make sure no meds are diuretics that they get at night. Do they sleep through the night and it's all those hours of pee? Maybe not realistic but maybe a diaper change at some point in the middle-ish?

What kind of poop accidents? In the diaper? On the floor? Depending on the situation, could be different advice.

If accidents are happening during the day, maybe planned trips to the bathroom would help cut down on this?

I do not think this is hormonal. Sure, you might be able to handle this better at some moments than others, but I think that's normal. It's a difficult situation that most would find challenging. Give yourself credit for dealing with it AT ALL!

Please do your best to not be bothered by your sisters not knowing what's going on or being part of it. Those feelings, while very common and understandable, do nothing to help you. They are free to make their choice to not be involved and you need to find a way to honor that. Have they been invited to do more and declined?

If this is from dementia, I would seriously consider finding somewhere for her to live as it is unlikely to improve. Or get more help at home so you can have a break and maybe miss out on a diaper change or two while you do something for you to. help recharge your depleted batteries.

Leanne; How do you come to be your mother's sole caregiver?

I would be angry and resentful as well; I think that you are having a normal reaction to your living situation.

I don't think YOU have to change; I think the situation has to change.

Thank you, I’ll look into them.

Hello, I am in the same boat, but grandma is not at the level of your love one. She uses bed side toilet and diapers, but she can use the restroom. She is declining in health though. My siblings don’t help and the one who could help moved to another state. Yes I was all of the above and I too am going through mood swings because of peri menopause. It’s horrible. However I turned to God and pray. I added a few supplements magnesium which helps with stress. Nothing helped more than my prayer life. Forgiveness and letting go of any expectations from my siblings. I became free to love them right in their decisions and freed me from stress. It’s not fair, but in life ever is. Sometimes we are tested in our faith and this I feel is one. Do we run and let defeat win or do we give our problems to God and stand strong? If you are a Bible reader you will see that God is strongest in our weakness. I have never been so weak as I am as a caregiver. Allowing Him to show his strength through you and me is a miracle in itself because I have seen my own transformation. Turning back to my grandmother. It is still difficult doing 100% care for someone even when they appreciate it. I always said if she needed me I would be here. I am here but never thought in a billion years she would need this level of care which is beyond the visions I saw. Yet God who strengthen us all to be in the role of caring for someone is a gift. To make us stronger and even more believer. This is more care than caring for all 4 of my children, yet he says you can do it through me. Grab my hand I will show you how. Each time I feel weak I run to my prayer room. I promise you if you are into a spiritual life you will let the Lord meet you and help you in your role. He can even show us when it’s time to transfer the care to a facility. Along with the advice you have been given strength will come.

I get it! Yup...even with mom in a memory care I have times I feel angry that I deal with all the financial {I am POA} , all the shopping, the majority of zooms, organizing Christmas and her birthday so she feels loved, the dealing with staff etc. This is one year and it feels like 10yrs! I have tried online mental counseling..some days..now many days...I feel ok...sometimes I need to withdraw from it for a full day and do just me! This is a life sentence...no way around it..I gave in and accept this is my retirement...acceptance has helped.

Take it all to Jesus.
It may sound corny but it is true.
Everything we have been through, He has been through.
I cannot count the number of times I had no one to turn to but Jesus. Then, I realized I did not need to turn anywhere else anyways because He was all I needed. Joseph a son of Jehovah.
Now, not only will He sooth your anger but will lead you where you can get the proper help. Most times with me, it has been in unusual places in unusual ways.
I speak from decades of service unto Him all over the world in many extremely difficult situations.

Here are some things that help me deal with helping dad. The below help me to keep things manageable. Prior to my dad I cared for mom.
1-Buy disposable gloves
2- If getting to the bathroom is hard. Get a bedside commode and place bed side commode liners in them. Walmart and Amazon sell them. I found these to be the best quality. Medline - MDS89664LINER Commode Liners 
3-My dad now just stands and uses a urinal to pee. Then I dump and rinse. We have two and change out daily. The one not in use I place 2 denture tabs in overnight to clean. He still has accidental pees in the depends, but having a urinal handy has helped.
4-Get a diaper pale to use during the day, Place a grocery store plastic bag in it. Put soiled depends I have found Tena for men to be the best for dad. For my mom Sams club depends worked great. For dad Tena has been the best for absorbency and leaks
5-Put a lined trash can in the garage, put all soiled disposable items in here. Bagged diaper pale items, disposable pads etc
6- Get some washable and disposable bed pads. Oxyclean does wonders for the washable pads
7- Adult wipes from Sam’s club are great for wipe downs after accidents
8- Desitin, this is a must. Put some between the bottom cheeks, On upper inside of legs and around personal parts to avoid bed/depend rash sores. Dad and I are past the embarrassment stage. The personal parts we do every 3 day unless he has a break out, the daily. The back side cheek area I coat morning and night.
9-For bowel issues dad uses Senna-S, if needed Metamucil in his coffee or juice. We have found the Senna-S plus the Metamucil which his doctor recommended for his chronic constipation has been a great solution, after we did one fleet treatment to get the packed poop out. The Metamucil is a as needed. The senna-S daily.

I hope some of the above help. Once covid is over get some occasional adult care helpers. I had helpers with mom until 4 months before she passed. Dad started needing help 3 months before mom passed after taking to bed for 3 days with a fever.
I plan to get helpers again after covid for some breaks. Make sure to find some alone time daily. There are times after I help dad up the lift and to bed I go downstairs and find comfort sitting in moms chair.

I feel your pain. I have my husband to help, but I find it so hard not to get angry with my mother. I know she can't help it - her dementia is getting worse all the time, but it's relentless. The only thing she can do without help is eat, and even then she falls asleep before finishing the meal. I don't know if your mother has dementia but it sounds like it from what you are saying.
What helps me is to make sure I take time out to do things for myself and having a schedule to work to.
In the morning, I put her on the loo, change the pad and brush her teeth.
I do my gym/yoga session while she is having breakfast.
An hour after breakfast, I put her on the loo so that she can do her business while I have my breakfast. It's important to not wait for them to say they need the toilet. Most days, there are no accidents when I do this. Then I clean her up and put her to bed.
She gets her lunch at around 1 when I change the pad again and put her to sit in the sitting room so she can interact with whoever is watching TV.
At 5pm I put her on the loo again. Change the pad
8pm the same
10pm is change and bedtime.
So yes, when things happen outside of the schedule, I get angry, but I keep telling myself it's not her fault and try my best to calm down. The anger just makes us sick.

"Well after my mom died 7 years ago my dad sold his house and purchased a 5th wheel, did a little traveling, but made my home town his base, I guess he chose me. In all actuality I am the one who’s most able to care for him. He recently moved in with us, his health is declining and he can no longer take care of himself."

I'm not understanding at all why you can't change your situation and why you have to take care of him. He has the power to choose who is going to be his caregiver? WHY?

I've never liked the "put up, shut up, offer it up" kind of advice that people love to give caregivers. (Not saying it's only offered here.)

Can you step away a little? Hire some part time help. Its exhausting and never ends.
Not just the nastiness and filth but the constant repeating and mindless questions, demands over and over.
They all need to be on a regular schedule like babies everyday but my mom refuses.
She has no interests or hobbies other than sleeping, eating or constantly complaining. Her wish is to be entertained but when family is able to visit she demands they only come when she has slept half the day.
Her poor doctor gets the same questions at her monthly check ins.

Get more helpers: family members (sisters can take over while you get a vacation), friends, members of faith community, and paid help (home health aides, sitters, respite in a residential facility). If there is an added expense, it should come from the finances of the person you care for or as the "share of the burden" that your sisters provide. Just be aware that you can not make another person pay for your loved one's care - no sending surprise bills.

Take time for yourself. Caregivers are notorious for giving and giving and giving and neglecting themselves. You need time away to recharge your batteries: 7-9 hours of sleep daily, 3 regular meals, time for your health needs (go see your doctor about those hormones), and to enjoy life with friends and activities.

We all have to do what we can as caregivers. However, I have always known I would draw a line if it came to elimination issues. I cannot and will not deal with it. If that point comes with my mother she will either go into a nursing home or pay for an aide.

Would you be able to meet and talk with your sisters. I can’t imagine they would want you in this type of situation. Maybe it’s time to make a change.

Best of luck to you. You need a break.

I feel the same way. My sister never helped. When my mom drank and made a mess of everything during covid I thought I would die. 5 times to the emergency room or hospital stays. No housekeeper nor caregiver to help her because of covid. We moved in to help save her and 45 days later she kicked us out. She us grieving from my dad passing in 2019. We had no thanksgiving or Christmas because she simply couldn’t handle it and she didn’t care who she hurt. It’s so very hard and exhausting for my husband and I. Her Christmas tree I put up in December is still up! She’s 74 only. Lord help us all with being caregivers. We handled the whole yard and neighbors do her garbage. All she has to do is take her dog for a walk and get the mail. My mother. I love her but she has tired us both out.

It is really normal to dislike that side of caring. Who enjoys the cleaning up of accidents etc. and it isn't just (or really that) either. The sad thing about looking after the old is that everyone knows that it won't get any better. It isn't like looking after babies and toddlers who get more independent as they grow and have other very many compensatory joys!
Our elderly relatives are generally ungrateful and understandably fed up.
It sounds like you are not sharing enough - not the burden or your feelings about it. Maybe time to get some respite? Can anyone step in? Ask your relatives to do it and try being assertive about it - they won't want you to abandon ship because you can't cope any more. If they can't step in, maybe they can fund help.
Good luck! x

I am in the same predicament as you. I took my Mam in to my home from hospital and I look after her 24/7. My sisters who all live away were supposed to come over for three months each in during the year and take their turn but one came for six weeks and that was that. I have taken up painting and I go out for a walk every day with my two dogs but I still do feel very Angry and used. My Mam wants No one else around her only me and if when my Adult kids call or my friend she puts on a smile but I know she hates them calling. She won't read, walk etc and just sits watching tv from 12 am until 1pm in the night.

My Mam is able to walk but demands help all the time. But if I go out on my walk , sometimes I come back and find a dirty knife with butter on it in the drawer, so she is well able to get around if she wants. I'm learning now , I need to look after my mental health so if it gets to a stage where, like you, Mam has to be changed etc , m just Not going to do it. God love you because I know dactyl how you are feeling.

Create your exit plan.

Its refreshing to see post asking for help from Jesus in one of the worst times one can go through. A week without Jesus makes one weak. I would concentrate on getting help then go from there, even taking the steps of getting help will alleviate the anger. Remember it won’t last forever.

I guess I usually start my replies with 'how much available income' because that is such a huge factor. How much income/assets does she have? Would it afford you someone coming in each morning to get the day started - diaper change, bathing? If so, start using it for that. Perhaps not having to wake up to being on 24/7 duty would not start your day on a bad note.

If your sisters have no idea of what you're going through, why don't they know. You cannot assume that those on the outside know what you need if you don't tell them. Ask. Can they start coming for a couple months at a time? Can they help pay for in home assistance for a set number of days per month? WHAT can they do to help you ease the burden? They may say you're on your own OR they may offer to help in some way. Ask, don't assume and don't sit back and wait for them to ask you. Have a conference call as soon as possible.

If you get no offer of help, then you need to tell them both what your Plan B is: putting her in a facility or keeping her in your home and continuing as is.

You need to do what you need to do to save yourself. Period.
Enlist your sisters to help out financially so you can hire caregivers.
The anger will continue to affect you in every way.
FIRST, you need to know you deserve a quality life.
SECOND, get professional support to work through your feelings.
THIRD, get professional help to learn what your options are in terms of placing your loved one in a care facility. Even if you decide not to do that, you will know what your options are.

I ended up with cancer because I took on my mother’s care and we never had a good relationship to begin with. The stress was unbearable and the outcome for me was cancer after about 5 yrs of caring for my mother. Both my sisters died, so I was the only one left. If I had to do it over again, I would have suggested that we both think about her future care for about 6 months and then decide on what’s best. My mother is still here. She will be 95 yrs old and she is on hospice now, but I still have to do some things. It will be 9 yrs total that I have had to be her caretaker - all while treating for NHL. Be very careful about what you choose when taking on this responsibility. It is all consuming......

I would be sick and furious too. I am, after all, just a simple human being. Some people are fit to be caretakers and others are not. Just as not everyone can be a scientist or an engineer. I don't know the physical/mental condition or age of the patient or what your life is like. Are you married? Working? Family? All those factors need to be considered and choices made accordingly. It sounds to me as if her needs could use a caretaker or aides in an assisted living or nursing home. I do NOT think YOU should have to take on this duty until the patient passes because it will overwhelm you and eventually destroy you. Think long and hard.

I know how you feel. I am dealing with a similar situation but it has not come to incontinence yet. If it does, it will be time for a nursing home. My husband and I work and still have our own lives to live. We can't do this forever, especially when more care is required. Helping with every meal and showers and meds and dressing is enough to wear us out! We recently put a toilet near the bed for my mother-in-law. If she gets any worse, we can't give her the proper care she needs. We are busy working. She has fallen once already. It is very stressful. We don't have any help because no other siblings and with Covid we don't want workers in the house. If I were you, I would forget about expecting help from your sisters. They can't tolerate it. And that's okay. Not everybody is cut out for it. It robs you of your life. It may be time to place your dad in a care facility. Do it for both of you!