How has caregiving changed your approach to aging?

I will not take flu/pneumonia shots, high blood pressure or cholesterol pills. I also do not do mammograms. Yes, I have insurance. I’ve learned that cancer (although a horrible, painful death) is not the worst way to die.

Sorry to be so grim & negative!!!

"Who will cut your toenails?" Great question!

I'm going to ask this over dinner tonight.

I suppose if you can't do it yourself - like everything else (shopping, cleaning, home maintence, driver to appointments etc) it's either family, friends or paid people/professionals. (Although would have to be a VERY good friend for toenails!!!)

I read an article that was "Who will cut your toenails?"
Being old and able to still go to the bathroom and fend for myself, I posed this question to my adult children. It started an interesting conversation. Immediately, they all answered, "I'll do it myself." I laughed. The optimism of youth.
If you are housebound, have a difficult time showering and keeping up with daily hygiene how are you going to "cut your toenails?"
There are so many frustrating issues that everyone will face inevitably. The questions about money and wills are the most insulting. The elderly are not the lottery, nor does anyone deserve anything. Spend every cent you have on taking care of you.
Plan for your latter years. Hubby may not be there. It's a travesty we do not have death with dignity laws in all states.
You can go your whole life and never think you and another sibling will be arguing over who Mother's caregiver will be. Money sheds a whole new movie.
Being a caregiver is one of the most difficult jobs in the world. Never let money be a thought. It changes people. Saddest thing I have ever seen a family go through. Meanwhile, a lot of children are at the lawyers office trying to get POA or a will signed. Karma takes care of all of us. We get what we give. If you feel cheated, then you thought about cheating. No easy way. Nursing homes, assisted living or with a relative, the elderly know they have overstayed their welcome as soon as they have a need. Bless you all.

Aging so long as you don't end up with Alzhimers or deminitia you will do fine will living. But if the brain stealing desiese sneeks in, try to remember where you hide your medication or gun so you can do away with yourself faster than slower. I only say this because a friend of mine has plans of taking her own life if any mind stealing desiese sneeks in. I remind her if that happens I know her she will not remember where she put anything to help her leave this world in her own way in her own time. God loves you and is watching out for you.

I'm hoping that I'll be at the beach watching a beautiful sunset, sipping on beverage of choice, tying in to a big vat of fudge when my lights finally go out.

I no longer fear the tragic "early death", say before age 60 or so. To die of a sudden heart attack, to die quickly in an accident, to collapse suddenly at Trader Joe's after completing your grocery shopping as one of my dad's friends did a few months ago, no longer seems like a tragedy to me. There are worse things.

I used to think of growing old with my husband. We'd travel around the country and see places we'd never seen. We'd have time to visit old friends and we'd enjoy our grandchildren. My husband had a hemorrhagic stroke 5 years ago. He was already deteriorating mentally, but it was very slowly, so I thought we'd still have time together.

As you can guess, things changed drastically in the past 5 years. I am still taking care of him and he continues to deteriorate slowly. About twice a year he is in the hospital and was diagnosed with COPD (emphysema) last year after 2 bouts of pneumonia and two respiratory arrests. One respiratory arrest occurred in the hospital after I took him there when he had a seizure in the vehicle the other arrest happened in the vehicle while I was taking him to the ER for another seizure.

My husband (74 yr) has urinary incontinence, walks with a walker, and cannot remember our grandchildren and often doesn't know me...we've been married 44 years. He requires assistance remembering what to do for personal care...brushing teeth, changing pads, taking a shower, etc. It is devastating to watch a strong capable man deteriorate and become so dependent. I no longer have dreams of things I'd like to do in retirement; I get up each day and talk myself into going into the bedroom to see if he is still breathing. I hate the thought of losing him and I fear the prospect of him deteriorating further. Fortunately, he is fairly happy when he is awake; I talk to him although he doesn't always know what I'm talking about. So, I am very grateful that he isn't angry or abusive....he did go through a period of those behaviors after the stroke, but is much more docile now.

Taking care of my husband is my life...I have no idea what I will do when he is gone. Furthermore, I'm totally afraid of my own aging. I don't want to become dependent like my husband....I can't imagine my son or his wife taking care of me and I hope they don't have to.

I appreciate reading everyone's comments...I do believe in an eternal life....I just don't like the journey to arrive there.

My husband & I have pre-planned. He used his in Dec., 2010. My plot is beside him, but I will not be "laid to rest" there. I have changed my plans; I have chosen cremation. A very quiet, subdued, 1 hour visitation, by invitation only, closed casket. I have chosen my daughter & my brother, who is now my caregiver, to push the button to start the cremation process. My obit., which I've written myself, will be posted two weeks after my death. I will be using my pre-planned, but there will be a few thousand left, because of the choices I've made. My brother will be the benefactor of these funds. I've talked with them, & the mortuary, everything is in place; all they need to do is make one phone call. I've tried to make it as easy as possible on both of them. As a caregiver myself,(50 plus years) I've watched families go into "greed" mode - happens more than you'd believe - literally fighting at the service, or graveside over what they perceive to "be theirs." It turns my stomach, but they see nothing wrong in what they do or say over their loved one's body. Sometimes, I wish that dead body would raise up and tell all of them to go straight to hell.!! If it's not given, they will literally steal it, because it's now "their" property. For me, I have already distributed everything I had in the world, including my home. Gave it to my brother, and I now live with him. My daughter suggested this, but she knows she will always have a home there, if needed. I'm looking forward to my new journey, to seeing my husband, & 3 grandchildren in heaven. I can see him waiting, hands reaching for mine. Oh, what a glorious time is waiting for me. Death, to me, is a time to celebrate one's life, to remember the good times, laughter, the joy of knowing your loved one will have no more pain, worries, no heartaches. If tears are shed, make them tears of happy.

I don't approach aging. It approaches me.

It has made me realize how important my parents are to me and to appreciate what I have in the moment. I understand what is to come, so I am trying to make sure I experience what I have.

Lots of mention of assisted (or not assisted) suicide on this thread. Understandably there are those opposed for moral/religious reasons.
Thought this was an interesting take;

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2014/06/23/323330486/how-a-womans-plan-to-kill-herself-helped-her-family-grieve

(hope it's okay to post a link)

Though there are some here who have very specific written instructions, and have planned or prepared well, I'm surprised at how many are just "vowing" not to be a burden to children or not to live past the time that their mental capacity is diminished. Does everyone really not recognize that those with dementia don't know their mental capacity is diminished (and getting worse)?
The LO's we're all caring for now also swore they'd never be a burden, but they don't know they are a burden, probably because family members don't tell them AND because they have dementia and things just don't make sense anymore.
To someone who has been lost to dementia or Alzheimer's everything is frightening, change is frightening, and they've got a white-knuckled grip on life. Letting go isn't really even in the cards when you reach that point.

Tiger,
I’m sorry about your mother’s passing. May she Rest In Peace.
It is difficult to watch and go through someone dying. I’m glad her suffering (and yours) is over.
Hugs 🤗

I won't leave anything to others for deciding on what I want. I will make my wishes loud, clear and in writing, well before I need it.

All POAs are in order, estate is locked up in a trust. DNRs are filled out. Both children have copies of everything. Originals are in safe deposit box along with list of accounts and passwords. Children are also on the safe deposit box with us. They know where to find the key. All vehicle titles and other important documents are also in there. Cremation is prepaid. After moving MIL in with us and cleaning out her house it was a treasure hunt to find all of her important documents, many hidden in strange places, some in her desk, stuck in her drop ceiling, stashed in old purses and coat pockets, did not want to put my kids thru this. Also have a life insurance policy that will help pay for in home caregiving or assisted living. What isn't used is left for the estate. Don't want to put my kids thru the stress of being a caregiver. I think I've aged 20 years in the past 2 I've been taking care of MIL. Don't want that for my children or grandchildren, hence preplanning and decluttering. Keep, pitch, donate. (Take donate and drop off asap so you're not tempted to pick thru it again) surprising how much crap one accumulates over th he years that you really don't need.

I plan on traveling as much as I can while I can. When I can’t travel anymore I’m going to get a dog to keep me company and give me something to think about. I’m going to try to keep from arguing with and fighting with my kids. I’m going to try to be happy and active for as long as I can. What my dad is doing is not a life worth living.

Well... After going through the Hell of the final two years of my Mom's "Golden Years" - rehab centers, hospitals/surgeries, nursing homes - I am frankly terrified... I will be 70 in a few months... All I can say is that is there is any possible way for me to prevent it - and I mean this seriously, and don't want to hear about "religious convictions" - I will not end up in a nursing home, memory or not, being diapered, toileted/butt wiped, eating horrid food, and at the mercy of CNA's who might - or might not - care or be good at their job. (Don't get me wrong - I could never do their job, and bless them for being able to, but if I can help it I don't plan to be in a position to avail myself of their skills...). I'm not terrified of dying - I'm terrified of being forced to live beyond what really living means to me...

I didn't feel old until maybe last year. Realize I need to combat it with more exercise, but I'm stuck in a rut right now. Also wish I could meet a companion or mate, but I don't feel attractive anymore. My own hangups about aging I guess. For me, loneliness is the worst thing about aging, (& I never knew how irrelevant I would feel as a senior

I am a different person that I was 20 years ago I never understood that death can be kind .....to watch someone grasp ahold of every little peice of the sheer will to live ,only to suffer in pain longer ,gasping for air ,
not able to move without assistance, or not lift a cup to their own mouth,forgetting how to swallow ,the loss of dignity. Im a different person today ,I know in my heart that our bodys break down just like an old car,but our spirit lives on so Yes death can be kind..






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Being a caregiver, I see death almost every day. Some client's beg to die, others fight to the end. I know that one day, I will die -and I pray I have the dignity to do that gracefully. Being a caregiver, I'm sometimes the only one with them. Watching that is painful, but it's made me realize I'm not here forever, no matter how much time you think you have. At bedtime, my client & I pray, I kiss her cheek, & I tell her; "play with the moonbeams, dance with the stars, safe journey." I've learned that GOD does not give us our loved one's, - he LOANS them to us. But when he calls that loan due, he will gather our treasure that's only on LOAN, and he will take us home. Death is one reality none of us can avoid.

I'm Debby, age 65. My mother passed away in 2017 at the age of 87. She did live with me for 3 years until I could no longer provide care due to needing knee replacement surgery.

Realizing the type of care often required for an elderly individual, I have a long-term care plan. I intend to remain in my 2 bedroom condo instead of moving into an assisted living. The long-term care plan gives you the option of home care.

I also watched my mother wither away and tried to keep her spirits up. While she was able, I'd take her out for meals and provided a scooter for her to feel as though she had some independence. But eventually she became bedridden and spent the last few years as a patient in a nursing home which greatly distressed her.

I can only hope my remaining time towards the end of life is not a long downward spiral into becoming bedridden.

I just pray I can be kind to those that are there to help me.

This question had my attention so much that I spent close to the full time talking about it with my therapist.
Something he shared with me:
What we say we want when we are younger thinking about being older, is not the same as what we want once we become that age. The human soul, mind, body, brain, etc. has a HUGE desire to stay alive. It is not something you can do about it. An example of this is being a young adult and listening to one's parents lecture about credit rating, what insurance to buy, or maybe how a particular person might not be the best match based on something they notice. At that age you PROMISE, you SWEAR, you YELL and SCREAM to anyone who will listen that you will NEVER say any of these things to your own children. Yet.....fast forward 25 years and you find yourself doing, saying, etc. the EXACT things you promised you would NEVER say or do. We do not have the ability to know circumstances, thoughts and feelings of us decades later. When we are young we have youth, fitness, great memory, etc. When we are at the end of our lives we have wisdom of 80 or 90 years of life on earth. The cycle of life is different for everyone. I can only ask everyone on here to communicate, love, share, give hope, and so many other things we have to offer today as we do our best to plan for our futures.

The Biographer, I also joke around with my son. I would never up and do something without his knowledge. I do not believe my demise would do him any more harm than watching me become someone he never knew. My mother has become mean, sarcastic, tells me she hates me and that I'm stupid, says other even more horrible things to me, believes I am trying to kill her and on and on. This is how I'm going to remember my mother. Not doing that to my kid.

Foxxmolder, sorry you experienced the pain of a loved one's suicide. That is not this. And there is no grand lesson in taking care of someone like I'm doing, other than don't ever take it on in the first place. Just keeping it real.

Remember this moment: Maine Governor Janet Mills has just signed the Maine Death with Dignity Act into law!
With the Governor’s signature, Maine became the 9th jurisdiction to allow people with a terminal illness to die the way they want: without suffering, in peace, and with dignity. Nearly 70 million Americans now live in a state with an assisted dying option.

I look at aging as a way of getting better. I stay active as a way to keep from being dependent on anybody. If you can prevent yourself from getting really, really sick, please do so. Otherwise you may not have anyone to care for you when you're older. That's how I view aging.

I wasn't caregiver for my mother - my sister was -- and at the time of Mama's respiratory distress in the throes of her initial hepatic coma, she and I were the only ones at the hospital. When the nurse appeared and insisted that a breathing tube be installed, I looked at my sister (who had medical POA) and reminded her that Mama had stated many times that she wanted nothing to do with extraordinary lifesaving measures -- yet under pressure from the nurse, my sister caved. Mama emerged from her coma after experiencing a near-death vision, and chastised my siblings for not letting her go. And she lived 7 more years wheelchair-bound and depending on someone else for her every need. To boot, the medication keeping her liver enzymes in check caused constant diarrhea. Needless to say, her life quality was poor, and it was very sad to witness.

These days I am caregiver to my 82-year-old husband, 8 years my senior, who suffers from dementia is losing mobility due to almost complete inactivity, and is becoming more and more reclusive daily. I have made certain that he and I both have in place living wills, medical powers of attorney, and a printed state form that reinforces our no-extraordinary-measures wishes. While I remain completely active and capable, I know there are no guarantees, and this whole process is indeed taking its mental toll on me. While I don't feel either of us should resort to suicide, I do very strongly believe that Mother Nature is far more reliable than medical practitioners who strive to prolong life at any cost.

I never considered it until I had to begin watching my dad deal with dementia. Now my plan is to not grow old. I am actively looking for something to shorten my life and am putting my eggs in the basket of assisted suicide. Real suicide is also an option if it gets to that point. I will not go through this.

It is not about us but G-d (of Israel) our Creator. He is the giver of life, not us. Of course we all ask questions as you brought up, but it is perspective. You were blessed your mother was of sound mind, BUT even if she wasn't G-d is at work, probably more then, than any other time in her life. He is preparing her and us for what is to come. That is eternal life with Him.....I took care of mom 7 years. She passed away then brought back with first responders, fell often, had 100 percent blockage in the end. I fought for her and I am being blessed now as she is with our Creator. You did right! Be blessed!

Yes it has. I thought I would ask for help now before I end up really hurting myself. because I'm fast becoming unable to cook and clean. Have appealed for help but am denied assistance. They act like if you can still do your shopping, you can't possibly need help with cleaning or cooking - not to mention the heavier chores I can no longer do outside. What do you do when you have no one to help and no one listens, including the doctor?