How has caregiving changed your approach to aging?

Oh yeah. Have I ever. We have discussed this before, but I don't think we can discuss enough. Thanks for bringing it up.

metoo111, I know for myself, any time my primary doctor writes up an order for this x-ray or that x-ray, another medical test, try this medicine, etc. I need to stop and think, do I REALLY need this? This is becoming overkill [no pun intended].

I had cancer a decade ago, and the treatment didn't give me a good quality of life while on the treatment for 4 years. To this day, one of the side effects is haunt me. Thus, if something new develops, so be it, I don't want to risk more side effects, and pills for those side effects, and more pills to help with the pills helping the first set of side effect... hope you can follow that :P

I rather have quality of life then quantity.

But I do realize, if I had children I may think totally different by wanting to see their various milestones.

I vacillate between which of my 3 children I would like to be near to (but definitely not with). They are spread out all over the country. My husband is 6 years older than me. He is sure he is going first. At times he makes me want to go first. We didn't get a LTC policy because we have seen how difficult they can be in the case of my mother. But she has been divorced for many years,does not live a healthy lifestyle and I am her only child. She bought her policy years ago when they were not so extreme in the ways they can be now. That's about as far as we have gotten. We have provided for our children. If our assets are sold we should be able to age in a decent manner.

I’m living each day knowing they are numbered. No tolerance for anything other than genuine good people. Family or not. Not including my 81 year old mother with dementia as one of those people. She couldn’t help getting dementia. I’m referring to x friends that drained me, or family that are alcoholics, I have my hands full with a mother living with me with moderate dementia. No time for any more drama

Yeah, I don't tolerate mental abuse from my siblings anymore. I was so wrapped up in my mom for so long that I let all that slide. Not anymore. I call them on it. I'm sure they wonder what happened to their little sis but I don't really care. I used to worry so much that if I said anything I'd be perceived as a bitch. I truly don't care anymore. Life is too short to allow people to make you feel bad about yourself. We teach people how to treat us. They better start learning cause I would rather cut them out of my life entirely than tolerate their abuse.

Plus, I don't blindly listen to any Doctor I visit anymore. They throw pills at every problem and I use to take them without considering the alternative. No longer.
For instance, just last week my doc prescribed Lyrica to treat withdrawal from a antidepressant I was taking. I had a very scary experience with it and thought I was having a stroke. I have since read that there are interactions with it and Effexor which I am weaning myself off of. I still have Effexor in my system obviously so the doc and pharmacist should have caught that. I took the Lyrica back to the pharmacist and told them they could keep it. I should have said they should shove it but the lady working there didn't deserve my wrath so I let it go.

I agree Frequent Flyer. I would rather die on my terms.

Yes, at 63 I am disabled myself and on a host of medications. My life has changed
dramatically over the past few years, and I am relatively young. I do not intend to suffer endlessly and without point. I have no children and never married. There is no one who will care about me or take care of me as I care for my mother. She is 91 and want to keep myself well enough to care for her and be there for her in her last years, but after that If I become so ill that I am suffering without quality of life or dignity, then I will take matters into my own hands. I have enough insulin to open up a pharmacy. For now I do not feel this way, but I am prepared to do what I have to do when I get too old and too ill to have quality of life.

I avoid doctors and carefully research medications before taking.

I wash my hands for a longer period of time and try to politely slide away when I hear someone coughing,

i eat better, work out more and try to engage in mentally stimulating activities to keep my mind sharp.

I see greater beauty in flowers, a good slice of cake, sunsets, laughter and spending time with people I love.

I feel now now that my time is shorter (than I used to feel) and I want to spend it happier.

I avoid spending time time with people obsessed with money or things. There is too much greed and selfishness in our world.

I donate my time and money generously and take the time to meet (and help) people when I can.

I revised my will. I vow to get better organized.

I would prefer a quick death (while sharp), but want a natural death and realize m, accordingly, that I don’t get to choose.

Getting old takes a lot of courage.

What a beautiful answer! You inspire me...especially to really enjoy a piece of cake!

Yes, and it reinforces something I had forgotten about. 35 years ago, my husband had leukemia & the treatments were brutal. His quality of life was about 3 good days per month. After the 1st (& only) bone marrow treatment (it was a pilot program at the time), he decided enough is enough. He wasn’t going to get better or cured, so he wanted his remaining days to be as best as they could. He wasn’t very religious, yet still said “it’s God’s will”.

After seeing what my mom (dementia), brother (lung cancer), & FIL (lung cancer) experienced, I have made it VERY clear to my family my desire of quality over quantity. FIL did that by refusing certain “suggestions” from his doctors & he passed after experiencing uncomfortableness instead of the flat-out agony my brother experienced. His family doesn’t realize what a gift he gave them; I hope they do over time.

It has certainly made Hubby & I discuss it. We have discussed letting our kids have their own lives. Not expecting our kids to move in with us, or to demand we move in with them, not to ask for cash to support our lifestyle & to take the necessary steps if we lose our insight & can't live safely on our own.

I DO NOT want to be like my Mum who keeps trying to cancel the respite care that gives Dad 3 hrs break (from his 24/7 caregiving). She also suggests I quit my job to care for her & my sister. (Do you want your Grandkids to starve? Is my usual answer).

And NOT like my stster, who lives 'independantly' ie alone but requires 20+ hours of care for ADLs, transport, shopping, outings + medication, appointment & financial management etc from family.

They need what they need, I just don't agree with their expectations that 1-2 family members can provide it all.

I want to be like my Auntie, Moved herself to a lovely village. L1 independant, L2 assisted, L3 nursing care, L4 memory care. She's L1 but says she'll just move up as needed. Practical.

I agree with everyone's answer. I am in pain all the time from chemo I took in my 40's and 50's. I had a child at home then and I had to do what I had to do. Now my current husband has Alzheimer's. He is a good man and I will do what I need to do to help him. BUT, if my health gets too bad I am out of here. I will not go from doctor to doctor looking to be young and pain free again. It isn't going to happen.

As long as I can be useful, I will stay, but if I can help it at all, I will not be a burden to my kids. My two children have their own load and burdens to carry. If at all possible I will not add to it.

I a going to be 85 later on this month. It is interesting how I can see my body gradually shutting down. I have to take Vitamin D and B12 because my body doesn't absorb it any more like it used to. My husband who is outside usually 4 hours a day, has to take Vitamin D also because his body doesn't absorb it either. Kind of interesting when you look at it that way.

Never gave it much thought until mom with dementia gets more demanding and difficult with each passing week. I come home every Saturday in a foul mood and need a drink to steady myself and to take a breathe. Those that do this full time.....I can’t even imagine how you get through this with a sound mind and resilient spirit. Every week I start with a positive attitude and after 30 minutes I start feeling claustrophobic and bite my tongue for the next four hours. I swear I will NEVER do this to my children. If my body starts to outlive my mind, I want no part of it. There is no reasoning, no compromise, just a constant barrage of demands, whining, arguing and the very worse attitudes imaginable. If I can’t be happy and enjoy my loved ones along with finding joy with every small thing.....I don’t want to be here. Life is precious, to be appreciated, not to be a drudgery to ourselves and others. Not for me.

I am still young, but realize that if I don't start taking better care of myself than I will not have a good quality of life as I get older as I will more than likely develop issues from eating bad and being sedentary. I am working on getting back to eating much better, working out with weights and some cardio like I used to. I advised my mom many years ago who's now 80 the importance of keeping your muscles up. She never listened even after I bought her some weights and gave her a plan that she could do. She recently spent only 1 week in the hospital because of a bowel impaction and ended up not even having enough strength to lift her head off the pillow. Before she went in the hospital her mobility was not that good and even something like a bag of potatoes was too heavy for her. It's now been 3 weeks and we don't know when she's coming out of the rehab center but she has made progress thank the Lord. Long story short, I already told my family that if I get down and out and I am not going to get better, just put me out like a horse. Lol Seriously, I told them no intervention, no treatments, no hospitals, etc. and leave it in the Lord's hands for when He takes me home. I don't have much of a life now. If I am going to take away my family's life just to breathe air, then it's time for me to go. This place is only temporary anyway! :)
As a side note, I am so glad I found this site. It has really helped me as I continue to help out with my mom. My heart goes out to all of you here.

Looking at my own aging process, I learned from my mom's experience that senior care facilities are better than being alone or expecting family to take care of our needs. Mom actually did much better after moving into assisted living. She made new friends delighted in the meals that were prepared and served in a lovely dining room and joined in activities. I'm certain that I will be able to do the same. Like others have said "do your homework". Visit facilities and look for the best fit. My mom was on medicaid and my sister and I agreed we wouldn't mind living there. The staff were very kind and loving people. We visited often and at different times of the day and evening. As her health deteriorated, Hospice was brought in and they helped greatly. No regrets for mom living her last days this way.
I wish more people could see this as a positive. If you have any doubts, go and check into alternatives for senior living. It's much better than it was 30 year ago.

I have toured many Independent homes in my area as we are moving my step father and his wife here as it is not working out having them in AZ and my brother & I here. I told my brother that I will move in one of these places when I can no longer function properly. Fortunately, I can afford to place myself in a 5* place with a step up program, when needed to AL or Memory Care. We are placing them in a beautiful home, nice apartment, lots of amenities, they can also afford the monthly fee, they will now start spending down.

Quality over quantity always IMO 🤷🏼‍♀️

I purchased Long Term Care Insurance.
Paying the bill once a year hurts a bit but knowing I can age into my house and stay here until the end is a relief.
I also don't do "stupid" stuff. If I have to change the battery in the smoke detector..or do anything involving a ladder I wait until a friend comes over so if I fall there is someone to call 911 (and prevent the dogs from eating my face while I lie on the floor for 3 days before someone decides to check on me){{insert laughter here}}
I stay active (other than ladders)
I stay involved
I volunteer
I hope I stay healthy but I do plan to do a medically assisted suicide IF I am ever diagnosed with dementia. I am not going to put anyone through what I went through caring for my Husband.
I do look forward to each day and am thankful for what I have. And I greet each day with optimism

@MaryKathleen, that is awesome you are exercising 3x a week!! That's something about your mom's watch.
@Tiger55, I do need to do exactly that- thank you. We all laugh about it at my house, but I realize that my family might feel a bit differently if actually faced with the situation.

I promise to not talk about my bowels and surgeries.

My mom, brother and I watched my dad suffer through chemo, radiation, steroid side effects, etc. in 1979. He was only 48 when he died and it was a long, agonizing death and very hard physically and no emotionally on my Mom, who had to keep working full time. This was before Hospice and did she kept my dad at home until the last week or so. It was then that Mom and I swore we would never put ourselves through that. Fast-forward to 2011. My mom had moved to be near me (brother was AOL since about age 22). I noticed her not feeling well that December and texted my brother that I thought something was wrong. Mom insisted it was a new coffee she bought, giving her stomach aches. We endured about a month of tests after her symptoms became worse and the doctor (also my own doctor) finally sent her for an ultrasound the end of January. Metastatic cancer in the abdomen and spreading. She went right from the hospital to a nursing home where she died about 4 weeks later. Her/my doctor and I both believe she knew she was sick for a long time and chose not to do anything about it. She had a pretty good death...she was never in much pain or discomfort and was fairly lucid to the end. She died one night while I was home sleeping as we did not realize death was imminent that night. Thankfully, my kids, brother and niece were all there with her the evening she died, and she talked with my other niece and nephew on the phone. My mom would have hated going through surgeries, chemo, radiation, etc. She was 79 when she died. I believe I will choose the same route if this happens to me, unless there is a very good chance of beating the cancer.

It definitely has made me a different person. I never used to fear growing old and now I am terrified. With Alzheimer's/Dementia on both sides of my family, I feel like I'm doomed to suffer from it too. Every time I forget something or can't come up with a word I want to say, I'm worried that it is starting. My grandfather had it and I know his maternal grandfather did. His mother died in her 50s of heart disease, so we'll never know if she would have had it. My mother now has it. My dad's sister and brother had it and I suspect Dad may have been starting with it when he died from kidney cancer.

I've told my kids that I flatly refuse to be a burden to them. I will not have them groaning at the 4th visit to the ER in a month, helping clean me up after an "accident," looking for things I misplaced and insist were stolen, trying to persuade me that I have not been kidnapped or transported to another planet, etc.

My stepfather died at age 66. He had a massive heart attack while chopping wood and died instantly. I was always comforted by the fact that he went while doing what he loved, where he was happy, and never had to be confined to bed or hooked up to tubes and machines. God willing, when it is my time, I would much rather go like that.

It has changed me because I now see the need to make your care plan in advance of actually needing it. I am learning from the mistake my parents made by thinking all they needed as they aged was to have their Will. They only thought about what happened when they died and never about needing outside assistance with daily living for several years. They always said if they couldn't take care of themselves they would find a boat and just paddle out to sea, but that is not an actual plan and they are exactly where they never wanted to be.

ACaringDaughter, I only tried Acupuncture once. I had an diagnosed spinal fracture. The practitioner didn't understand or believe me about my pain level. The experience was so bad that I just can't bring myself to try it again.

I am wondering when it is appropriate to post our DNR and POLST on the refrigerator (insert smiley face). I think it should be soon.

Yes. My husband and I have discussed this at length and agree that we both value quality over quantity having seen a number of older family members suffer painful drawn out deaths extended (arguably unnecessarily) by medical intervention. For 2 in particular it was against what they would have wanted but had no mechanism to express, the time for doing so having passed some years previously. Towards the end pain relief did very little for either, it was awful.

We've made provision for our older years and have clearly expressed, in written and witnessed form, that neither of us want our lives to be dragged out by medical intervention when we are old. This may sound quite brutal, but I personally would rather have some idea and control over the time I go, because I would like to know my affairs are tidy and not leave that dreadful job for someone else.

It seems that extending life at all costs has become the driving principle, which I personally think is wrong, but I appreciate not everyone shares this view.

Hello:

I have had the privilege and heartbreak of watching and assisting several hundred people with ongoing caregiver needs die over the decades, including my mother. I certainly would rather pass away more quickly. When I can no longer participate in life, I am ready to go. I had a recent client who passed away unexpectedly. He was just about to interview someone to help his wife with caregiving. He was still somewhat vibrant, had children and grandchildren to live for. but I was not sad when I had heard he had died unexpectedly. A long slow decline requiring more and more help, with the burden increasing, requiring a loved- one to oversee the care. Too much for too many. I, too, would rather die earlier than later. The financial and emotional burden and challenges can be heart breaking.

Definitely have a living will with your medical directives. I hear recently that you can also add something that if you cannot feed yourself, not to be fed. This may only be legal in some states. It is also possible to have directives not to be sent to the hospital unless it is a medical emergency or extreme pain. This may apply only at the hospice period or when in skilled nursing care. It's best to consult with a lawyer.

It is dreaded. I always looked younger than I was before all this. I feel I have aged 20 years after going through my mom's demise and now have MIL to deal with and husband's heart condition. If he goes first I am in trouble. Having advance directives is good....if only someone would be there to carry out your wishes.

I am the caregiver for my 88 year old mother . She had a stroke in December 2018. She has been diagnosed with a brain tumor . At that time I thought she was going to pass way any moment . We had her the best care in Houston . She went to rehab to gain strength from the stroke . Her short term memory was literally gone which was a huge concern . I placed her in a memory care facility . She was there for 22 days as i watched her become more and more depressed . She played BINGO and won every game probably because she was the only one alert there . I took her out and brought her to my home . Here she has thrived . She walks without her walker , she reads and does the crossword puzzles . She is up every morning with a smile on her face . ....... so you ask me how I feel about aging ........ it is part of life . It is a part of the circle of life . What I think has made the aging process scary for many of the fact that there are few services for the aging that do not deplete the finances . I think environment and the way seniors are treated is everything . I only hope and pray that I am. ca red for the way that I am caring for my mother .

As caregivers, we all see the nasty side of growing old. I have been caring for my husband who has dementia for 5 yrs. If I ever have dementia and still know what’s going on, I will commit suicide before it is too late. I would not want to burden anyone with this disease.

A cocktail of drugs has kept my mother alive in a nursing home for more than a year. It's sad...for her. I think about her situation all the time -- specifically as it relates to my growing old. I see a counselor to talk these things through. But, if I could change one thing about growing old, I would like to control the time of my death. Period.